any advice on breaks?

Watch this thread
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
so 2 weeks ago I broke up with my partner and then that night he reached out over email and we turned it into a break where we would stay monogamous to each other. I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him, there was just a clusterF of things happening that day that triggered some abandonment issues and it was a defence mechanism rather than an intended thing.

His last email last week was super enthusiastic and he said he misses me and it was really heartfelt and reassuring. But. It was my birthday the other day and it also happened to be the day I needed to set out my shifts for next week, so I emailed him asking to set a date and location for our chat. I also said what I was hoping to get from it, and asked if he'd be comfortable sharing what he wants. He emailed back with a really brief and distanced sounding email, pretty much the only personal thing was that he used a cutsie nickname and phrase when he said happy birthday. He said he thinks he's in the same position as I am (wanting to work things out and try again), and that he loves me more than anything (this was pretty much the only reassuring part of the email).

I sent back another email matching his brief tone because we are getting space right now and I didn't want to overdo it, and just asked for his new address and what time we were going to meet and that I loved him. He replied a few hours later with my birthday present aka a very cute dog picture, and said that he loves me. No mention of the address or time.

I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into this, getting the dog picture was very sweet and showed that he was thinking about me as he was out with his friends and I know he tends to get quiet when we have serious chats so I'm thinking maybe now we've set a day for it, he's getting anxious and quiet.

I don't know. If anyone has any reassuring words or experience of going through a break with a partner and it all being okay in the end, that would be much appreciated!!
0
reply
SagaciousSag
Badges: 20
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#2
Report 4 weeks ago
#2
Email? Did you block each other or something?
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#3
(Original post by SagaciousSag)
Email? Did you block each other or something?
I blocked him on everything immediately after breaking up with him because I didn't want to message him or be looking at his socials and be hurting myself and possibly him ahaha. We've talked before about how we deal with breakups so he was aware it would happen if we did, but I forgot he had my email
0
reply
SagaciousSag
Badges: 20
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#4
Report 4 weeks ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I blocked him on everything immediately after breaking up with him because I didn't want to message him or be looking at his socials and be hurting myself and possibly him ahaha. We've talked before about how we deal with breakups so he was aware it would happen if we did, but I forgot he had my email
Oh, okay. It really depends on why you're separate. Sometimes, some reflection can put things into perspective and you know how to make the relationship work better. Other times, it just won't. If you're willing to compromise, you both love each other and you both want to make things work, I wouldn't worry about the relationship.
0
reply
Surnia
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#5
Report 4 weeks ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
so 2 weeks ago I broke up with my partner and then that night he reached out over email and we turned it into a break where we would stay monogamous to each other. I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him, there was just a clusterF of things happening that day that triggered some abandonment issues and it was a defence mechanism rather than an intended thing.
So why are you still on a break? And why are you messing around with emails and playing silly games instead of phoning up, arranging to meet and talking it out? If the relationship was strong on both sides, you would have stayed together and worked it out.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#6
(Original post by Surnia)
So why are you still on a break? And why are you messing around with emails and playing silly games instead of phoning up, arranging to meet and talking it out? If the relationship was strong on both sides, you would have stayed together and worked it out.
we're still on a break because we're both really busy this week (for example, I'm working a 13 hour day tomorrow). We've arranged to meet up on Wednesday at his, I just don't know his address because he moved just after we broke up.
0
reply
Surnia
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#7
Report 4 weeks ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
we're still on a break because we're both really busy this week (for example, I'm working a 13 hour day tomorrow). We've arranged to meet up on Wednesday at his, I just don't know his address because he moved just after we broke up.
And what about the previous 2 weeks, or the day you realised you didn't want to break up? You're letting it drag on. What happens the next time there are difficulties in the relationship? How would you cope with living together, finances household chores?
1
reply
Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#8
(Original post by Surnia)
And what about the previous 2 weeks, or the day you realised you didn't want to break up? You're letting it drag on. What happens the next time there are difficulties in the relationship? How would you cope with living together, finances household chores?
we both decided that we needed some time to let our emotions settle down after the breakup so that anything we did wouldn't be a rushed decision, and next weeks just the earliest we could do it with our schedules we've had big difficulties and lived together for a couple of months before and it was fine, part of this time was to let us work on our personal issues separately so that we can hopefully be stronger together
0
reply
Reue
Badges: 20
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#9
Report 4 weeks ago
#9
I have never seen a 'break' end up being anything other than permanent. It sounds like you've agreed to have some space, not an actual break which does not have the monogamous requirement..
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#10
Report 4 weeks ago
#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
so 2 weeks ago I broke up with my partner and then that night he reached out over email and we turned it into a break where we would stay monogamous to each other. I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him, there was just a clusterF of things happening that day that triggered some abandonment issues and it was a defence mechanism rather than an intended thing.

His last email last week was super enthusiastic and he said he misses me and it was really heartfelt and reassuring. But. It was my birthday the other day and it also happened to be the day I needed to set out my shifts for next week, so I emailed him asking to set a date and location for our chat. I also said what I was hoping to get from it, and asked if he'd be comfortable sharing what he wants. He emailed back with a really brief and distanced sounding email, pretty much the only personal thing was that he used a cutsie nickname and phrase when he said happy birthday. He said he thinks he's in the same position as I am (wanting to work things out and try again), and that he loves me more than anything (this was pretty much the only reassuring part of the email).

I sent back another email matching his brief tone because we are getting space right now and I didn't want to overdo it, and just asked for his new address and what time we were going to meet and that I loved him. He replied a few hours later with my birthday present aka a very cute dog picture, and said that he loves me. No mention of the address or time.

I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into this, getting the dog picture was very sweet and showed that he was thinking about me as he was out with his friends and I know he tends to get quiet when we have serious chats so I'm thinking maybe now we've set a day for it, he's getting anxious and quiet.

I don't know. If anyone has any reassuring words or experience of going through a break with a partner and it all being okay in the end, that would be much appreciated!!
My ex and I went on a break for a few months and I do think it helped us as we both came back knowing what we wanted and that we wanted to be with each other. Distance makes the heart grow fonder lots of the times. Unfortunately we aren't together now, but I do think breaks can work.
0
reply
Surnia
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#11
Report 4 weeks ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
we both decided that we needed some time to let our emotions settle down after the breakup so that anything we did wouldn't be a rushed decision, and next weeks just the earliest we could do it with our schedules we've had big difficulties and lived together for a couple of months before and it was fine, part of this time was to let us work on our personal issues separately so that we can hopefully be stronger together
So you've got to ask why it's different this time. If you were currently living together, would you be working through this together or one of you moving out? You've already gone from break-up to break, so you are rushing decisions and don't seem to know what you want out of this, or in the future.
Last edited by Surnia; 4 weeks ago
0
reply
Dunnig Kruger
Badges: 16
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#12
Report 4 weeks ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
we've had big difficulties and lived together for a couple of months before and it was fine, part of this time was to let us work on our personal issues separately so that we can hopefully be stronger together
You are contradicting yourself. If you had big difficulties then it wasn't fine when you lived together.

Love with strong emotions of attachment aren't enough for a relationship to be worth continuing. You need compatability in a few key areas too. Without that compatability your relationship is doomed to fail.

If you had big difficulties you should be as sure as you can be that they have been resolved before you even think of continuing this relationship.
Meeting up to talk about things is a waste of time. All you'll get is sales spiel from him. Which will be empty words and false promises if the underlying cause of the big difficulties hasn't been resolved.

Please feel free to tell us what all of the big difficulties were. Then from there we can tell you why you should make your split decisive and final. Or tell you what course of action to take to resolve everything. With it being entirely up to you if you follow any advice that you're given.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#13
(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
You are contradicting yourself. If you had big difficulties then it wasn't fine when you lived together.

Love with strong emotions of attachment aren't enough for a relationship to be worth continuing. You need compatability in a few key areas too. Without that compatability your relationship is doomed to fail.

If you had big difficulties you should be as sure as you can be that they have been resolved before you even think of continuing this relationship.
Meeting up to talk about things is a waste of time. All you'll get is sales spiel from him. Which will be empty words and false promises if the underlying cause of the big difficulties hasn't been resolved.

Please feel free to tell us what all of the big difficulties were. Then from there we can tell you why you should make your split decisive and final. Or tell you what course of action to take to resolve everything. With it being entirely up to you if you follow any advice that you're given.
I'm very much a fan of therapy, so I think I'll need him to commit to going back to therapy for us to try again because that's probably going to help some of the problems.

On my part, I can be very passive (like hinting towards things but not outright saying them). I think this stems from not having a massively safe environment growing up, so I grew up associating speaking up about problems/hard things with being shut down/abandoned. I can also say things in a really hurtful way when I'm really anxious because I'll try to explain them but it won't be done well and often comes across as blunt. Both of these things tie in together, and I'm going to therapy to address the anxiety and learn how to cope with it (fun times).

On his part, he can be pretty dismissive of my achievements (like saying how they're not as good as his), and we had a couple of arguments about how often he's high when we hang out. There's nothing wrong with it sometimes, but it was getting to the point where he was very often high on nights we got to hang out, and it came to a head when he chose to get high before we hung out for the first time in a week because of how busy I'd been with exams. And then he showed up reeking of weed a couple of days after that chat, which he said was second hand from his friend smoking but it made me pretty anxious.

There's been an ongoing issue about me having met pretty much none of his friends in all the years we've been dating, but there was a plan for me to meet a significant one last week (which obviously didn't happen, but does show that he's making progress with that).

We both also tend to get quite quiet and push people away when we feel as though there's a chance they'll leave (separate abandonment issues that manifest pretty similarly in this situation). So when I broke up with him, it wasn't something I walked into intending to do, it was we'd started talking about the fact that we weren't doing great and I blurted out an anxious thing badly (moving triggers an abandonment thing for me and I didn't want him in my new flat because I was scared to make memories there if he was going to leave). He asked for space for the weekend, I interpreted this as a soft-start to a breakup and asked if he wanted to end things and he thought that was me being passive and pushed me to breakup with him (like literally said "go on, say it, I know that's what you want").

So tldr: we both need therapy and I've started going since the breakup, but I think he'll need to too.
0
reply
Dunnig Kruger
Badges: 16
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#14
Report 4 weeks ago
#14
Alongside the therapy work on being less of a perfectionist. On taking your life a lot less seriously. On releasing the feelings of fear and anxiety you have in situations where you logically know there is not sufficient cause for your fear. Work on developing the ability to take a zoomed out look at your life when faced with a short term crisis / stress causer.

The development of you as an adult person is more important and more urgent than your relationship with this dope smoking guy. He may be a great guy to have as a friend in a social circle, but as a boyfriend he's not all that. Because he lacks the discipline to keep his head clear at the times when he should be dope free. It also sounds like he's one of those guys that lacks inner self esteem or inner calm. And that he's overly negative about the people close to him. This negativity will make him a difficult person to live with.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#15
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#15
(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
Alongside the therapy work on being less of a perfectionist. On taking your life a lot less seriously. On releasing the feelings of fear and anxiety you have in situations where you logically know there is not sufficient cause for your fear. Work on developing the ability to take a zoomed out look at your life when faced with a short term crisis / stress causer.

The development of you as an adult person is more important and more urgent than your relationship with this dope smoking guy. He may be a great guy to have as a friend in a social circle, but as a boyfriend he's not all that. Because he lacks the discipline to keep his head clear at the times when he should be dope free. It also sounds like he's one of those guys that lacks inner self esteem or inner calm. And that he's overly negative about the people close to him. This negativity will make him a difficult person to live with.
Yeah I definitely need to work on being less of a perfectionist, I've been getting better at it with small things but hopefully I'll get it to a point where my anxiety isn't this bad with bigger things soon!

The majority of the time he's the sweetest person and super supportive (e.g. he supported me applying for a super competitive job that everyone else said I shouldn't bother with and I got it and he was nothing but happy for me), but I agree that he can be quite insecure and feel as though he's competing with people if they achieve the same things he does.

Thank you for your help!!! What would you say the vibe is with this update? We had been planning to watch a tv show together before we went on the break and he emailed me the other day to tell me that he's going to save it for when we have our chat so that we have a nice thing to do together afterwards because he thinks it might be emotionally tiring. I can't decide if this is a good sign for him wanting to continue the relationship, or if he wants to ease us into being friends. He keeps saying that he loves me, which he probably wouldn't say if he wanted to only be friends because love is a big word for him, but other opinions would be nice!
0
reply
YaliaV123
Badges: 21
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#16
Report 3 weeks ago
#16
You should work on your issues before you get into a relationship. You seem to need constant validation and that really isn't fair.
1
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Year 12s - where are you at with making decisions about university?

I’ve chosen my course and my university (19)
32.2%
I’ve chosen my course and shortlisted some universities (22)
37.29%
I’ve chosen my course, but not any universities (2)
3.39%
I’ve chosen my university, but not my course (3)
5.08%
I’ve shortlisted some universities, but not my course (4)
6.78%
I’m starting to consider my university options (7)
11.86%
I haven’t started thinking about university yet (1)
1.69%
I’m not planning on going to university (1)
1.69%

Watched Threads

View All