Complicated Situation: Need genuine advice for this.

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
My love life has been incredibly ... questionable.

I am 26 old and have been single for a very very long time. I am a pretty woman, well educated, funny etc,. But I am not attracting the right types of men.

I have been on Hinge since the start of January. I have been on dates with many many guys, none of which seem to be looking for anything .. serious. This has been making me feel .. quite sad/frustrated because I am tired of seeing a guy for 3 - 5 dates for him to just say "Sorry but I just want to have fun, I am not looking for anything serious".

My best mates:
One just got married and is 24.
One got a mortgage and moved into a new house with her boyfriend.
One has gotten a flat with her daughter.
One in a relationship thats been going strong for 5 years +.

Me on the other hand?

Has a 45 year old man, who has just declared that he has fallen in love with me. He is a work colleague. We are very close friends. What I noticed about him is that he treats me like a princess. He calls me every single day and is an absolute man of his word.

However, he is divorced, has a son who is 20 years old a previous marriage of 14 years. He is currently still living with his ex girlfriend which he says is a "companion". I understand that he tells me they have not been intimate in years but it makes me somewhat uncomfortable that he is still living with her and every time he calls me and she enters the room he gets edgy or high strung.

It is like he is scared of her.

But if you guys are just companions, why would she care about what you do and your whereabouts??

I just feel like the man I want is not coming in the right package. I mean he says and does all the right things, he even said he is selling the house he stays in with his ex and part ways with her.. but I feel like something is not adding up.

Would you wait for a lease to be up before leaving a relationship? She is still a big part of his life. I am not even sure he has ever been single.

Things are happening in a strange way for me...

I just want to have a normal love life with a man my age or a little older.

I just seem to attract .. men who just want to have sex or are older, divorced etc.

This bothers me as I dont feel like I am living life like a normal 26 year old.

Guys, HONEST AND SINCERE advice only as I do like this man, but I am not sure if I am doing myself a disservice. Because I am worried I wont find the right guy.

Peace and Love,

Nic
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Dunnig Kruger
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#2
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#2
Mr 45 Year Old. You're right. Things don't add up. Give him a miss.

There's so much that you haven't told us about yourself. Which is understandable. You don't have the time to type out your life story.

There's things you should look at changing / tweaking to get yourself romantic success.
Exactly what they are is impossible to say with any certainty without knowing you better.

Chances are, you should work on your social skills. You should be more active on the online dating. And a lot more active at the real life meeting people.

Chances are there are behaviour patterns caused by inner beliefs or your inner emotions that are holding you back. Putting a glass ceiling on your sex life. Chances are that a few tweaks to the inner you will break you out of your self imposed social prison.
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Anonymous #1
#3
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
Mr 45 Year Old. You're right. Things don't add up. Give him a miss.

There's so much that you haven't told us about yourself. Which is understandable. You don't have the time to type out your life story.

There's things you should look at changing / tweaking to get yourself romantic success.
Exactly what they are is impossible to say with any certainty without knowing you better.

Chances are, you should work on your social skills. You should be more active on the online dating. And a lot more active at the real life meeting people.

Chances are there are behaviour patterns caused by inner beliefs or your inner emotions that are holding you back. Putting a glass ceiling on your sex life. Chances are that a few tweaks to the inner you will break you out of your self imposed social prison.
You are right to a certain extent. I have not expressed much about myself.

However, I am used to men asking to have sex with me on the first date. Once I refuse.. they tend to lose interest or find it pointless to continue trying to pursue. Sigh.

I grew up in a single parent household. My father didn't want me and left my momma when he found out she was pregnant with me. They were married he just married my mother for all the wrong reasons. She definitely makes me feel uncomfortable because my virginity is like my prize in her eyes. I feel like if I find the right guy, then I wont have to be a virgin anymore. I would live my life like a normal woman my age. But I am fearful that he will have sex and leave me. Glass-ceiling.. on my sex life is accurate to a certain extent. But.. how am I supposed to give myself to a man who says he will call me and does not, or he turns cold on me when I express that I am not ready until I am in something committed?

Maybe I have daddy issues. That is why I have attracted this particular man.
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Dunnig Kruger
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Imagine if your mum was dead. And you'd gotten over the grief of her dying.

Would you live your life differently?

If so, you are still trying to live your life too much via the approval of your mum.

Your life will be better when you live your life for you. And you stop living it for the approval of anyone else. Your mum, your friends, society in general etc

For the men asking you for sex on the first date - some of them may well make great boyfriends for you. All you need to do is to respond to their advances with a "We've only just met. Let's get to know each other before deciding if we should jump into bed together."
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
Imagine if your mum was dead. And you'd gotten over the grief of her dying.

Would you live your life differently?

If so, you are still trying to live your life too much via the approval of your mum.

Your life will be better when you live your life for you. And you stop living it for the approval of anyone else. Your mum, your friends, society in general etc

For the men asking you for sex on the first date - some of them may well make great boyfriends for you. All you need to do is to respond to their advances with a "We've only just met. Let's get to know each other before deciding if we should jump into bed together."
And I do. I say that we should get to know each other a little more. I would say at least after 6 dates.. that is a reasonable time but guys just don't want to wait that long.

Not sure if I am the type of woman who will have sex on the first date just to see if he might commit afterwards.

Hopefully you get my drift!

Thanks for your response.. nevertheless
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Dunnig Kruger
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(Original post by Anonymous)
And I do. I say that we should get to know each other a little more. I would say at least after 6 dates.. that is a reasonable time but guys just don't want to wait that long.

Not sure if I am the type of woman who will have sex on the first date just to see if he might commit afterwards.

Hopefully you get my drift!

Thanks for your response.. nevertheless
6 dates is entirely reasonable. Especially if you don't have a lot of experience at picking men to be your romantic partner.

All of my male friends would be totally comfortable and happy to wait 6 to 10 dates. As long as they enjoyed the process of spending time with you and no major compatability issues came up.

It's quite possible that the men on Hinge whose profiles stand out to you are the thirsty, impatient types.
There's also a chance that there's something about you that puts men off from wooing you.
This is one of those areas where I don't know you, nor the men you've been meeting well enough to say what's been happening.

I do know that I've had reports from women that the online dating route resulted in them meeting between 40 and 208 men before they found one worthy to be a boyfriend - depending on the woman and their luck. There's an awful lot of chaff on dating sites.
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Anonymous #2
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#7
Ok. Here is how online dating works. I’d first like to say that it’s not anyones fault. It is just Mother Nature at work and Interacting with the technology.

In online dating, there is a huge mismatch between supply and demand. In that the majority of women go for a minority of men.

This means that those minority of men have a huge pool to choose from and hence either pick the best of the best to settle down with or just date several girls for fun (nothing serious).

The solution is to either find a way to improve yourself significantly (this is very difficult purely due to the steep competition), go for a slightly less attractive guy (understand that can be hard), go for an older guy who doesn’t have drama (again understand it can be hard) or just keep doing what you’re doing and hold out for luck (may or may not work).

Unfortunately it’s the nature of online dating. It’s not great for the vast majority of people. I would agree therefore with others that it’s much better to try and meet people offline through similar hobbies, through friends etc.
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Anonymous #2
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Report 4 weeks ago
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On the 45 year old, I would agree with others. He doesn’t sound like he’s right for you.
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