Mum against my going on holiday with my dad, am I being unreasonable?

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cakechloe
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#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
Hi,
So for a bit of context, my mum and dad have been split up for a very long time. I live with my mum and I often visit my dad for tea. Recently my dad has asked me if I would like to go on holiday with him and his girlfriend for a couple of days (even inviting my boyfriend), offering to cover our flights and accommodation. I mentioned this to my mum and she's completely against the idea, originally she said it was because I'd have to spend money but with my dad covering flights I wouldn't even need to bring much money anyways. My mum very much dislikes my dad, so I definitely feel like that's got something to do with it, but surely going with another adult is better than me going alone?

I'm 21 and graduating from uni in July so I know what it's like to be independent after living at uni for 3 years, yet I feel like she still doesn't trust me. I know I'm an adult and it shouldn't really matter but I hate to go against my mum :/

Is there any way I could warm her up to the idea? Or is it me that's being unreasonable?

Thank you!
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Anonymous #1
#2
Report 4 weeks ago
#2
I don't think you're being unreasonable, I don't see why you shouldn't go on holiday with your dad if you want to. But I would have a conversation with your mum about it, tell her that you love and value her opinion, and ask again why she's against the holiday. If it's just the money, then tell her what you've said here. If she's still insistent it's just the money then thats that and you can tell her you appreciate the concern but it won't be an issue, it's sorted. I just think there's a chance she has more concerns than the money. It could just be a distaste for her ex that is making her be a bit unreasonable.
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skylark2
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#3
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#3
You're 21. Just tell her you're going.
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Meduse
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#4
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#4
It's possible that she dislikes the idea for several reasons, but I'll suggest one possibility based on personal experience:

Perhaps your mother feels this holiday may make you inclined to prefer your father over her. If she is the parent that is predominantly providing for you, e.g. your most basic (and important) needs, she may believe you'll prefer him because this holiday is recreational. You'll be having lots of fun and if she struggles with money or for whatever reason is unable to do this sort of thing with you, she may feel upset. While I'm sure you're grateful for what she does for you, generally, some children can come to prefer the parents who give them what they want, and not what they need. It's possible that she may be worried about this.

You could have a think about this and decide yourself how likely it is.
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cakechloe
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#5
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#5
(Original post by Meduse)
It's possible that she dislikes the idea for several reasons, but I'll suggest one possibility based on personal experience:

Perhaps your mother feels this holiday may make you inclined to prefer your father over her. If she is the parent that is predominantly providing for you, e.g. your most basic (and important) needs, she may believe you'll prefer him because this holiday is recreational. You'll be having lots of fun and if she struggles with money or for whatever reason is unable to do this sort of thing with you, she may feel upset. While I'm sure you're grateful for what she does for you, generally, some children can come to prefer the parents who give them what they want, and not what they need. It's possible that she may be worried about this.

You could have a think about this and decide yourself how likely it is.
I didn't even think of it like that but that does seem like it could very much be the case. That being said, I hope there's a way I can make her feel less that way because that would not be true at all and she's got nothing to worry about Thank you for the new perspective.
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Meduse
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#6
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#6
(Original post by cakechloe)
I didn't even think of it like that but that does seem like it could very much be the case. That being said, I hope there's a way I can make her feel less that way because that would not be true at all and she's got nothing to worry about Thank you for the new perspective.
Just tell her that you love her and remind her of everything you are grateful for.
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bones-mccoy
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#7
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#7
It's nothing to do with you, her reaction is based on the fact that she dislikes your dad. My ex's previous partner was very much the same with his daughter.
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gblanchflower
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#8
Report 3 weeks ago
#8
I love my Mom, but she can be very insecure and even though she has wanted me and my Sister to have a positive relationship with our father I could easily see her becoming jealous at the thought of us going on a long holiday with him. The fact that your mom harbors a strong dislike for your dad must surely add to her jealousy and insecurity.

It's an irrational moment from her so I can only cautiously agree with the others posting that the best approach is to reassure your mom that you love and are grateful for her, as I don't know if she's the type of person who's easy to talk to in these situations.

It will set a bad precedent for you to refuse your dad's offer on the grounds of your mom's opposition. It'll also rob you of what sounds like a really lovely weekend getaway! Maybe if the trip is a little ways away in the future you can leave it for a while to let her get to grips with the idea? It's a slightly different situation, but when I told my Mom I wanted to travel Europe she was completely against the idea. 'You're either working or studying!'. Fast-forward a few months and she'd softened considerably to the point where she was helping me research routes, book tickets etc. Maybe in a few months your Mom will see how irrational she was.
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Meduse
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#9
Report 3 weeks ago
#9
^^^
This just made me think of another tip. If you can involve her as much as you can in the process, she may not feel so excluded! E.g. asking her to help make sure you've packed everything, suggestions on what else you may need, and then making sure you thank her.

You could even bring her back a little souvenir.
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