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My personal statement for College [is it sufficient?] watch

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    Hey guys, this is my personal statement for college; please tell me what you think!

    It's divided into 5 sections:

    1. brief background-

    I'm ****[name]. I currently study at ******[school name]. I have moved to *****[school name] during September 2006; at the start of Year *[year].
    Initially, in my previous school, I was a low achieving pupil with a, generally, poor History.
    However, since joining *****[school name], I have worked myself up, achieving my potential.
    For GCSE I predict myself 7A* 3A. I feel confident with this goal because with commitment, and moderately hard work, I can (hopefully) achieve it.

    2. achievements so far-

    I take pride in all of my achievements but, at the same tim, I try my best to keep humble; furthering my achievements to a higher level. I'm particularly proud of my GCSE Maths & Science module results as I, generally, had achieved one of the highest markes - which is fantastic in such competitive environment ******[school name] pupils create.

    3. Knowledge and skills gained-

    During the past year (start of GCSE courses), I have nurtured an individual outlook of the work; able to interpret things without being affected by others' opinions or methods of propaganda.
    My knowledge of Maths has also significantly improved. I am now able to apply different information and theory to subtle real-life scenarios; hence by taking Further Maths, I would be able to stretch myself further.

    4. challenges faced and what was learned from them

    I have faced various challenges. Some of these challenges were harder to overcome than others.
    A challenge I have recently faced is tight deadlines, where, in the given time, I am expected to produce an exceptional piece of work.
    Adhering to such deadlines was slightly irritating, and, at times, even profoundly tiring; however I was able to meet them - and I'm proud of that! [Drew a smug, smiley face.]

    5. hopes and plans for the future-

    In the future I have two distinctive paths which I, for my degree, will possibly take; either Physics + Mathematics, or English Literature.

    In terms of a career, I aspire to be either a Physicist, Mathematician, OR a Writer.

    P.S. I have recently won the 'Sison Trophy for Practical Science 2008'.
    Thanks! :0
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    . achievements so far-

    I take pride in all of my achievements but, at the same tim, I try my best to keep humble;
    That sounds very pretentious. You really don't need to say that.

    Adhering to such deadlines was slightly irritating, and, at times, even profoundly tiring; however I was able to meet them - and I'm proud of that! [Drew a smug, smiley face.]
    Don't do that. Just please, don't. It'll make a mockery of you, especially the smiley face.


    Whilst you need to show yourself in the best light, being pretentious and saying you are humble isn't a good way of doing that. A lot of it needs rephrasing.
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    [Drew a smug, smiley face.]

    Please no.

    Otherwise its really good!
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    Read it out to yourself, do you sound like a bit of a prick? :P
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    P.S. I have recently won the 'Sison Trophy for Practical Science 2008'.
    Just another thing I picked up on. This says to me "P.S. Look at smarmy clever little me".
    This bit should go in achievements, not just added on at the end.
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    'a, generally, poor history' = no commas needed.
    'tim' = time (?)
    'Adhering to such deadlines was slightly irritating, and, at times, even profoundly tiring' = sounds a little negative, perhaps more about it being a challenge you overcame &c
    'Physics + Mathematics, or English Literature.' = You could make more of this as it shows you have a wide range of interests and abilities.
 
 
 
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