Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hi all,

    I kinda need advice regarding a girl. I was in a very intense relationship with somebody for 2 years from 04 to 06. She ended it by saying she doesn't love me anymore, amongst other reasons. I begged her not to go, which in retrospect I regret ofcourse. However, she wanted me to stick around and be friends with her.

    But she wasn't really treating me well, so I left completely. I had no contact with her for over a year. Then suddenly, using google, she finds my new email address and MSN (on a forum) and talks to me, apologizes for the things she said. I told her, I've already forgiven her and that its okay. She essentially talks to me about my feelings and I told her that I still have feelings for her.

    Eventually, she tells me she likes somebody else. This completely threw me off. This was November 07. I told her I can't talk to her and so I 'leave' again (change MSN/email/forum).

    And now, in October 08 (when I moved to England and was hoping to start a new life), she contacted me again (again, she searched somehow) and talks to me. And this time, essentially she tells me, "i've slept with somebody, and he ditched me later on, and you have to make me feel better".

    And I did. Because I genuinely wanted her to feel better. I still have very strong feelings for her - I don't know why I still have them - and this obviously really hurt me.

    This again, made me feel incredibly sad/depressed. For over 6 weeks, I have not been able to think clearly. I can't stop imagining her with him and it obviously hurts. Eventually, she said "I won't open to you, I don't need you anymore".

    I asked her why she came in the first place and she said "because you always understand, you always make me feel better". I asked her why she becomes so cold after the job is done and she replies "because you're too intense, emotionally"

    The reason I'm posting here is, what do I do about this? Was I in the wrong here somewhere?

    I'm sorry if this is too long. Just want some serious advice.

    Thanks for reading.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    i dont think that you are in the wrong as you cant help when you love someone that much and she has obviously used that against you for her own benefit with no concern for your feelings.
    i think that she needs to stop coming to you to sort her problems out...she lost that right when she ended it with you
    you sound like a lovely guy and deserve better

    :suith:
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Yeh the person above is right you do sound lovely. To be honest, I don't think think you should bother talking to her again if she contacts you ignore her. I know it's easier said than done though, hey ho.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    stop lettin her run you.
    srsly.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    You sound really nice but you need to not speak to her again and move on with your life. I don't think you can ever be just friends with her as you have seen over the years.

    You can find a girl who is better for you and will treat you how you deserve! Good luck mate!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You're obviously such a loving person, and you need to find someone to love who will love you back.

    If she's just talking to you to make herself feel better then there's no point in the relationship as she's just being selfish. You haven't done anything wrong, she has. You were just being a really amazing friend, and if she criticised you for that she must be mad!

    Anyway, good luck with everything. Time's a healer, and I'd advise you to try and lose her again, but this time perhaps say to her 'You're hurting me, I don't think we should talk anymore, please respect my wishes.'

    Hope everything goes alright, please don't blame yourself. If you want to talk feel free to message me.

    x
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    You're definitely not in the wrong
    You sound like a lovely guy and she's just using you.
    If she tries to contact you again maybe the best thing is just not to talk to her, that might be really hard because as you say, you genuinely want to help her, but maybe she just doesn't deserve your help.

    *hugs*
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate them.

    I have been trying to cut off contact from her and I hope I eventually will. I find weekdays to be easier because I'm usually busy with Uni., but weekends can be a bit harder because I have hardly anything to do. I only moved to England 6 weeks, so I hardly have friends that I'm comfortable with.

    I also want to add, in fairness to her, that I did get really angry when she told me that she had been with somebody else. Not because I felt she shouldn't do it - its her life, she can do whatever she wants and she was in love with the other guy - but I got mad because as soon as she told me I got a rush of emotions and I knew I had to start the recovery process from scratch again. I asked her to leave me alone and I left.

    After a day, when I felt it wasn't fair to be angry at her and i wanted to talk to her, to make her feel better. I went back. Fast forward 6 weeks, and here I am.

    Just thought I should add this, because of the nature of this thread, you're only getting one-side view.

    Thank you all for reading and commenting. This alone had made me feel better.

    Thank you.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Yes, but it was unfair of her to tell you, afterall you've made it clear you still have feelings for her.

    And I hope you make some close friends soon, I'm sure you will. If you're a little bored at weekends, why not try joining a society, it'll take your mind off things, and you'll meet new people?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Yeah, I plan on joining the photography society. it just depends on when i get off my bum.

    Sometimes it really gets hard to cope with this and it happens quite randomly. Often because I realize she chose somebody over me. And then I find myself dwelling on things and the further I dwell, the more I want to talk to her about things. But I know right now, if I went and talked to her, she would just give me the cold shoulder.

    I don't understand what I did to deserve this, I've always tried to put her before myself and have tried my best to be there for her, whenever I can, whenever I've known she's feeling bad.

    Is talking to her a really bad idea? If so, what should I do to avoid wanting to talk to her?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    If you feel it will give you closure I'd talk to her, but to be honest, I think the more you talk to her, the more you're going to dwell on this.

    The fact that she chose someone else shows how blind she is, as she had someone as lovely as you, and she chose someone else. She seems a little self centred, as she's using you for an ego boost whenever she feels down, despite the fact it's hurting you.

    I hope you can get over this, I know it's hard, but it really is true, time's a healer. And obviously if you put yourself out there, you might meet someone deserving of your love, who meets your affections, and puts your feelings equal to their own. :hugs:
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Ask yourself, whether you still love her, if yes, stay with her again
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by LozengeC)
    If you feel it will give you closure I'd talk to her, but to be honest, I think the more you talk to her, the more you're going to dwell on this.

    The fact that she chose someone else shows how blind she is, as she had someone as lovely as you, and she chose someone else. She seems a little self centred, as she's using you for an ego boost whenever she feels down, despite the fact it's hurting you.

    I hope you can get over this, I know it's hard, but it really is true, time's a healer. And obviously if you put yourself out there, you might meet someone deserving of your love, who meets your affections, and puts your feelings equal to their own. :hugs:
    She hasn't really given me closure, ever. I asked her 2 years ago when she left if she'll ever be back, and she only said "I don't know, maybe". When I left in November 06, I had to convince myself that she's not coming back.

    I asked a few weeks ago, same answer. I asked outright if she loves me, she said no. But once she said "i loved you so much, how can it just stop? I don't know how I feel about you". (this is around 2 months ago). Then she goes and says things like "I don't like the thought of you with somebody else." - while she is with somebody else.

    Which leaves me completely confused. I've been single for over 2 years because I feel so scarred because of this. I feel it would be unfair to the other person if I get involved again.

    You're right, talking to her would make me dwell much more. I just wish I can stop wanting to talk to her.

    Time is truly a healer, in the year that I didn't talk to her, I made tons of progress. I maintained a 97% average in school and I had friends that I went out with at times. But it was all completely wiped because of this. And then she blamed me that I hadn't moved on.

    Do you feel its right of her to blame me? I tried my best to move on. To be honest with you, I myself was taken aback how my emotions resurfaced.

    Ask yourself, whether you still love her, if yes, stay with her again
    If I didn't love her, I doubt I would want her to be genuinely happy. I doubt I would try my best to make her feel better about her situation.

    But its not that simple, I do love her with all my heart, but I also recognize the fact that I need to live my life. I moved to England 6 weeks ago to start a new life, I felt I was given a new chance. And I don't want to ruin this. I would do anything to be with her again, but she just doesn't want me. She just wants a shoulder to cry on.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    No it's not right of her to blame you, she's been stringing you along. I think the main reason she doesn't want you to move on as then she wouldn't have the reassurance of someone fancying her.

    You seem to have made really good progress in that year, well done, I'm sure you can do it again! Uni is meant to be an amazing experience, don't let her ruin it for you.

    I know you love her, but is there a celebrity that you look up to, or perhaps have a crush on? 'Cause if you think of them everytime you think of her, and then you could try gradually work towards taking your mind off her with them, and they could be an outlet? Idk, I found that helped when I was younger, but no so much anymore. And music's also a good thing, maybe if you played something that reminded you of that year when you went out with your friends, and you didn't think about her so much that might also help.

    It's going to be about training yourself not to think of her. I know you don't want it to have come to this, but you can see it's for the best that you move on, as you've tried before. It's just taking those little steps, that lead onto the larger ones.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You're a nice fella. She seems too insecure to cope with someone as emotionally sure of themselves as you are. She has taken advantage of you and you, being generous and kind, let it happen. Don't make the same mistake again. By sleeping with someone else she has ended it between you two. Before then things could have potentially been salvaged somehow, but she proved that she isn't clever enough to see how much of a good thing you are. You can't condone her ignorance, because by association you'd be saying it wasn't obvious just how nice you are compared to her using former partner.


    In short, she deserves to be ignored, and she's brought it on herself. It will be hard, but you will find someone else, who won't mess you around.

    Good luck
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    you do sound like a great guy and tbh there is pretty much nothing wrong with you, she is the insecure one....she might not appreciate the fact that you are a sensitive guy, but many girls really look for a guy like u u probably
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    u probably have strong feelings for her, but u'l get over her in time!

    PS sorry about this...i sort of did smth and the message got posted without it even being finished....gosh silly me! :o:
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    wow... let. it. go. Get her out of your life. She sounds like my ex... Tell her to get lost...
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Nil.Recurring)
    Hi all,

    I kinda need advice regarding a girl. I was in a very intense relationship with somebody for 2 years from 04 to 06. She ended it by saying she doesn't love me anymore, amongst other reasons. I begged her not to go, which in retrospect I regret ofcourse. However, she wanted me to stick around and be friends with her.

    But she wasn't really treating me well, so I left completely. I had no contact with her for over a year. Then suddenly, using google, she finds my new email address and MSN (on a forum) and talks to me, apologizes for the things she said. I told her, I've already forgiven her and that its okay. She essentially talks to me about my feelings and I told her that I still have feelings for her.

    Eventually, she tells me she likes somebody else. This completely threw me off. This was November 07. I told her I can't talk to her and so I 'leave' again (change MSN/email/forum).

    And now, in October 08 (when I moved to England and was hoping to start a new life), she contacted me again (again, she searched somehow) and talks to me. And this time, essentially she tells me, "i've slept with somebody, and he ditched me later on, and you have to make me feel better".

    And I did. Because I genuinely wanted her to feel better. I still have very strong feelings for her - I don't know why I still have them - and this obviously really hurt me.

    This again, made me feel incredibly sad/depressed. For over 6 weeks, I have not been able to think clearly. I can't stop imagining her with him and it obviously hurts. Eventually, she said "I won't open to you, I don't need you anymore".

    I asked her why she came in the first place and she said "because you always understand, you always make me feel better". I asked her why she becomes so cold after the job is done and she replies "because you're too intense, emotionally"

    The reason I'm posting here is, what do I do about this? Was I in the wrong here somewhere?

    I'm sorry if this is too long. Just want some serious advice.

    Thanks for reading.
    How i see it and from her perspective to..is that your too emotional!

    she goes to you for her council lessons..but nothing more!..

    if you want her..then buddy dont get emotionally attached to her, tell her her poblem is her problem not yours. Get on with your life.

    Im dissapointed that a man would get depressed over a woman who he is not with for 6 weeks!!!

    What happened to being a MAN!. if you want her back..then be cocky and funny to her, have banter, flirt with her, but DO not get emotional with her!!!

    it may not make sense that your in the 'right' because your trying to make her feel better...and then she doesnt want to speak to after...seems to show no appreciation.

    Well honestly i think..for her to feel better is to go to her girl friends, but if you think when u make her feel better she will go back out with you..then buddy you got another thing comming.

    it doesnt work like that ..women dont work like that!
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Suri)
    you do sound like a great guy and tbh there is pretty much nothing wrong with you, she is the insecure one....she might not appreciate the fact that you are a sensitive guy, but many girls really look for a guy like u u probably
    lol..hmm.. really? ..emotional and sensitive guys ..irritate the **** out of women.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: November 15, 2008
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Would you like to hibernate through the winter months?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.