So... fallen for the ex's best friend. Watch

Anonymous #1
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Yep.

And he feels the same.

What the hell do we do?

I'll give you all the basics: I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. I have been good friends with one of his best friends for 2. We did a lot of social stuff together - coffees, dinners, walks, nights out - before this mess came about. It was all good and innocent, back then.
For the past year my boyfriend and I have had some problems, none of them relating to the best friend (let's call him Dan). Last June, and completely to my surprise, feelings started to form for Dan. I have no idea how it all started and I tried to ignore them. I didn't even admit them to myself for a long while.
But after breaking up with my ex the feelings only grew stronger. Two months ago I found out Dan feels the same.
So now we're trying to be mature about this. Talking often but rushing into nothing. We both like each other so much but we don't know what the heck we can do without hurting my ex's feelings. Nothing probably. It's most likely doomed. We're very confused and rather hurt.

Any advice or suggestions would be really good because I'm going absolutely mental about this.
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Anonymous #1
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Edit: I should probably add that I only broke up with my ex 2 months ago.
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smellslikemarmite
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Considering you went out with your boyfriend for 4 years... I think trying it on with his best bud is a bit out of the question after 2 months.
I think all this situation needs is time. But you both need to talk to him, because if you don't and he either guesses or finds out from someone else, it's going to hurt.
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munkie
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It's ultimately going to hurt your ex's feelings if you don't do it properly, but don't you and Dan owe it to yourselves to give it a shot?
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estel
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(Original post by smellslikemarmite)
Considering you went out with your boyfriend for 4 years... I think trying it on with his best bud is a bit out of the question after 2 months.
I think all this situation needs is time. But you both need to talk to him, because if you don't and he either guesses or finds out from someone else, it's going to hurt.
Will it hurt less after a longer time? Sure, it's easy for the ex- to say "You shouldn't be doing this soon" but I'd guess that he'd be pretty hit up over it however long you waited (unless you waited x-years). If you want to be together, go for it; but be prepared that it will hurt your ex, and probably strain his relationship with "Dan". As long as Dan knows this and is fine with it... then gogogo.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by smellslikemarmite)
Considering you went out with your boyfriend for 4 years... I think trying it on with his best bud is a bit out of the question after 2 months.
I think all this situation needs is time. But you both need to talk to him, because if you don't and he either guesses or finds out from someone else, it's going to hurt.
I absolutely agree. Is out of the question really. Especially as my ex still holds feelings for me. But it's really frustrating and both Dan and I are feeling incredibly upset about it, not least because we have betrayed somebody we care a lot about. We know nothing can happen.
Can it ever though?
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Brat
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Well, there's no way you're gonna be able to be with each other without hurting your ex. After 4 years together, you getting with his best friend is gonna literally destroy him, I can imagine.

You can either get with the friend, and total the ex.. Or dismiss the feelings for now, until the breakup isn't so raw.

Depends what you think you will get out of a relationship with his best mate, do you think it's gonna last? etc.
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Guru Sauce
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#8
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I have said this in another thread recently..

If you two get together.. there is nothing wrong with that.. techically.. But in my circle there are unwritten rules.. you never involve yourself with a friend's ex partner..

There are consequences for these actions.. your ex might feel you fancied his friend all along.. even if that is not the case..

I think it depends what you think will come of a possible relationship.. I dont agree with it myself.. but if you think he could be the love of your life that should not stop you.. if it is just a crush.. or a strong crush.. I think you should forget about it..

Ultimately.. the decision is yours..
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Valkyrja
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#9
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I DID THIS!

I can only tell you what I did.....

...we didn't kiss until we told my ex.

My ex then made me the bad guy and refused to be in the same room as me but forgave his best friend, which meant we couldn't go out together for a while.

Went out with best friend for two months, ex never spoken to me again apart from a few very nasty comments made screaming at each other in quite a public and 'classy' argument we had outside a nightclub.
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Valkyrja
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#10
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p.s. the jist of it - your ex will probably never forgive you, but that shouldn't matter if you want to be together so badly and don't mind feeling like a piece of horrible betraying poop!
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Anonymous #1
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To the last couple of posters:

Yes, I think it has the potential to be pretty serious. Very serious in fact. As I said, this has been building up for ages and, at first, nothing sexual was involved. I don't think either I or Dan would ever have taken it this far if we weren't pretty into each other. We have even tried to break contact, but couldn't manage it.

At the same time I am terrified at the thought of hurting my ex. The thought of him feeling upset makes me feel sick. Part of me still loves him and I'll always care for him deeply. We were great friends before we got together and it's amicable right now. I know I would lose that friendship if Dan and I's relationship came out though. It really doesn't help that my ex wants to get back together too.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Valkyrja)
p.s. the jist of it - your ex will probably never forgive you, but that shouldn't matter if you want to be together so badly and don't mind feeling like a piece of horrible betraying poop!

Argh. But I do care! Yet I do want to be with Dan. Oh, I don't know...

This is so crap.
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Guru Sauce
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#13
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To the OP.. the life you are living now.. and always will be living.. is your life.. remember that.. because you have to put yourself first.. If you do not take care of yourself.. you cannot take care of others!

I think the expression is if the end justifies the means.. if you think this relationship could blossom.. and you could be happy for years.. maybe even the rest of your life.. you have to put that before the feelings of your ex..

It will hurt him.. but life is not free of pain..

As I said.. i do not agree with dating a friend's ex partner.. however.. if you see long term happiness.. that is more important..
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Sun Ra and his Arkestra
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This is almost exactly what happened to me, except I was in the role of Dan and the prior relationship didn't last four years.

Basically, if you take your time and are careful and go about it in the right way, it can all work out great. It has for me. Make sure your ex knows that this is something that happened after you broke up and you're still glad you spent all that time with him, and get Dan to ask permission, you know, man to man, preferably sober, and hopefully everyone will be happy.
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username196545
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Just do it
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Sun Ra and his Arkestra)
This is almost exactly what happened to me, except I was in the role of Dan and the prior relationship didn't last four years.

Basically, if you take your time and are careful and go about it in the right way, it can all work out great. It has for me. Make sure your ex knows that this is something that happened after you broke up and you're still glad you spent all that time with him, and get Dan to ask permission, you know, man to man, preferably sober, and hopefully everyone will be happy.
Ah, interesting. What is your story then? How exactly did you go about it?

And what if my ex tells Dan it isn't ok? I don't think that is even an option at the mo, given how raw the situation is.
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kat2pult
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You can never help the way you feel, of who you fall for. Though I would urge you to give it a good, I would personally would fine it awkward being in such close proximity to an ex...
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Sun Ra and his Arkestra
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ah, interesting. What is your story then? How exactly did you go about it?

And what if my ex tells Dan it isn't ok? I don't think that is even an option at the mo, given how raw the situation is.
I agonised over it for ages, cause I didn't think my friend would say ok, and then what?

We kind of just gradually started acting a bit more coupley in public, spending a lot of time together and whatnot to get every one used to the idea without actually doing him wrong. If he's a good best friend, he'll see your happiness will come before any perceived slight (and if he's reasonable, he'll see there is no slight) and eventually when I did ask him and we got together, everyone was like 'bout bloody time'.

So yeah, keep waiting for things to get less raw, which they will, then go for it. Try not to rub it in his face, either, it was easier for us in a way cause we were all off to separate universitys not long afterwards, although now there is the distance to contend with.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Sun Ra and his Arkestra)
I agonised over it for ages, cause I didn't think my friend would say ok, and then what?

We kind of just gradually started acting a bit more coupley in public, spending a lot of time together and whatnot to get every one used to the idea without actually doing him wrong. If he's a good best friend, he'll see your happiness will come before any perceived slight (and if he's reasonable, he'll see there is no slight) and eventually when I did ask him and we got together, everyone was like 'bout bloody time'.

So yeah, keep waiting for things to get less raw, which they will, then go for it. Try not to rub it in his face, either, it was easier for us in a way cause we were all off to separate universitys not long afterwards, although now there is the distance to contend with.
Hmmm. Can I ask how long your girlfriend went out with her ex? And did he still have any feelings for her?

Argh. I am still agonising over this tonight. I just don't know what on earth to think. I guess it doesn't help that I can't even determine whether or not I still have some feelings for my ex. The confusion. I never thought it was possible to genuinely like two people at once. Which I might.

Any more advice/comments from those who have gone through similar very welcome!
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jamesh_91
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my best friends ex's are a no-go zone
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