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Is it ok to live a sheltered life if you are content? Watch

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    Ive always been really quiet and introverted but at 23 Ive still never had a bf, never go out at night and still live with parents. I had an anxiety issue when I was 17 - 20 but nothing serious that I can't overcome with hard work. I do have plans for the future and am generally happy even though a few years ago I was so fed up and crying every night cause of anxiety and feeling crap but I seem to be ok now I just have a part time job (10 minutes walk away from house:rolleyes: ), do an open uni course, walk the dog and go jogging and keep fit in my leisure time. The way I see things now though is that I can get a career and move out any time so I don't see the rush, same with bf's I wouldn't mind the company but its not like Im dying for one. I have plans for the future but like I said I don't see any rush, though am planning on taking driving lessons some time soon. Ive just wasted the last few years sleeping all day and being up all night making songs on guitar and reading.

    Anyway the problem is Im wondering if there really is something wrong with me or if this is just the way I am because I don't know anyone my age who has never had a bf, can enjoy daydreaming and spending all their time alone and who has no friends (then again I have no friends so wouldn't know anyone like this lol) I look on my space and facebook and my old friends seem so sociable and have had babies whereas Im nowhere near that mature stage yet, hate to admit it but I still enjoy climbing trees (when noone is around of course) Another thing is at work etc (I work on a psychiatric ward and funnily enough can really relate to the patients don't know why I think they are really cool.) Im really quiet but everything I say involves humour I love making people laugh yet Im supposed to be shy and quiet etc but if it will make people laugh I'l show myself up.

    K I know you're probably thinking what the hell but is there something wrong with me do you think:confused: I feel really different to everyone else and so immature but should I just carry on being who I am and take things slowly or am I as pathetic as my family say I am?
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    You're not pathetic, just inexperienced.

    But ask yourself truly and honestly, are you really content? Genuinely, because that would involve you not wanting to change, whereas it seems like you want to but don't know how/are afraid. Do you admire your old friends who are so much more social?
    Are you happy to remain a loner? You want a bf, so I presume not.
    In short, are you truly happy and content? If yes, then **** what your family says, be yourself. If not, and it's a hard question to ask, but if not, then you need to make changes (easier said than done, I know).
    It doesn't matter what my opinion is, or what I or anyone else on here says, what only matters is what you believe/think.
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    (Original post by Bubbles*de*Milo)
    You're not pathetic, just inexperienced.

    But ask yourself truly and honestly, are you really content? Genuinely, because that would involve you not wanting to change, whereas it seems like you want to but don't know how/are afraid. Do you admire your old friends who are so much more social?
    Are you happy to remain a loner? You want a bf, so I presume not.
    In short, are you truly happy and content? If yes, then **** what your family says, be yourself. If not, and it's a hard question to ask, but if not, then you need to make changes (easier said than done, I know).
    It doesn't matter what my opinion is, or what I or anyone else on here says, what only matters is what you believe/think.
    I don't really admire my old friends, I just think yea they might be better than me and having a better time than me now but Im going to pull myself together and have a better future (don't know how true that is). Part of me is content but then the other part is constantly worrying about what people will think of me and that Im behind in terms of maturity like my friends have their own mortgage, babies etc even though I don't really want those things, just feel that thats what I should be doing! (and most people would probably agree). I want to change only because of my reputation, which i so low at the moment people know Im anxious and inconfident etc. At the same time Im afraid to change yea and don't even think I could handle being totally independant and having lots of friends. If I truely wanted to change though Id probably not let the fear get in the way.
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    I don't think you're pathetic and would never call you that as it is just making you feel bad about yourself unnecessarily, but I do think you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice by remaining in what is essentially a childlike and dependent state of being. I feel that it is important for your personal growth to live as an adult young woman and work towards independence. You may find that your anxiety is exacerbated by your dependence on your family. Confidence and life experience doesn't knock on the door -it has to be earned and is one of the true joys of adult life.

    It's your life but I really do think it's time for you to grow up! Maybe though my strong reaction is because I just broke up with a 36 year old version of yourself who drove me mad with his immaturity. He and his brother are both in their thirties and still live at home. I met him when he was 34, had never had a girlfriend, had no job. He treated me so cruelly right to the very end and I wish I had not bothered. He had very little ambition, was incredibly tight with money, had no clue about bills or real life. His mother does his cooking, laundry, shopping, bills, even his lunch for the job he now has! After 2 years I couldn't respect a man like that. We broke up because I wanted to move things forward a little bit but he wasn't willing to give up his home comforts and finalised the break up by text while I was teaching abroad.

    He was the most self centred, controlling, immature, irresponsible, unsophisticated man I have ever had the misfortune to be involved with. His brother wasn't much different to be honest - he was incredibly self-absorbed too. You know what was really creepy? The Christmas before he met me, his mum had taken a photo of him and his brother in their pyjamas and dressing gowns sitting on the lounge floor opening their presents! They weren't 10 and 12 years old - they were 31 and 33! It's like they were never alllowed to grow up. But growing up and flying the nest is the right of every offspring, human or animal.

    My ex also had anxiety problems but I believe they were exacerbated by his constant avoiding of life. It's amazing how resilient you become when you have to stand on your own two feet and achieve a home, an income and cope with bills all off your own bat. You need to leave home and spread your wings in order to develop adult confidence. If you don't you are in danger of becoming only half the person you could have been. There is a life and a world outside your parental home. And you can cope with it!

    Personally I would say to you - you're 23, you're still young but not that young, you're way past teenage, it's time to get out of your parents hair and carve out your own life. You're a separate adult, not an extension of them. They've raised you now it's your job to make them and you proud and use the life they gave you all those years ago!

    Develop some goals, what sort of woman do you want to be? What are you good at? Where do you want to live? Great books for confidence building and identifying goals are "The Positive Woman" by Gael Lindenfield, "A Woman In Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson and "How To Get What You Want And Want What You Have" by John Gray. I heard a great quote the other day too which might help - "If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got" Spot on!!

    Please don't end up like my ex - you deserve so much more than that. You can be so much more than that! It's a question of self respect and self confidence. Go for it! Or you'll be 33, 43, 53 and still where you are now! Sure you'll be fine, you'll cope. But you'll never know what else you could have done unless you get out there and try it!

    Clubbing isn't the only way to meet a guy, I met my ex on a speed date. I hate clubbing too nd I only have a few good friend - I prefer quality to quantity where people are concerned! Don't worry about having a gaggle of mates - if you have just one or two good friends who understand you that is all you need. There are plenty of special interest groups to join where you will meet likeminded folk and make friends.

    First though, I think that before you do anything, including thinking about boyfriends, you need to do some personal work. Look at the books I suggested or other similar ones that take your fancy. Think about who you are and what you want from life. Develop some personal goals - work and social. Know who you are and what you want from life as much as possible and then it will be easier to find the best fits for you at work, with friendships and with men.

    Do it at your own pace but I would say working towards independence and developing yourself as a person and as a woman is the way to go honey. It's entirely up to you of course but I believe remaining at home beyond a certain age is unhealthy. Likely why my ex had reached 34, had never had a girlfriend and had zero self confidence when he met me. He was then, as I have said, an incredibly self absorbed and insecure man to have a relationship with. He was almost a non-person. I was stronger than him and he felt overwhelmed by me. But it was only because I was independent and a healthy confident adult woman - he was still living like a teenager. His insecurity meant that he became very controlling and cruel and allowed our 2 year relationship to end by text - he didn't want to see me face to face when I got home. I was only away for 6 weeks. Basically he resented me for having the confidence and the courage to do things he couldn't, like get on the plane and teach in a foreign country for 6 weeks. But he denied himself the opportunity to develop the confidence he resented me for having when he chose to remain with his parents and avoid real life.

    Life is hard and scary when you strike out on your own, but it is tremendously rewarding too, especially personally. Life experience, negative or positive, is priceless.

    Don't rush into anything yet, think about what I and other posters have said, think about what you want and then work towards that.

    As long as you are happy, it doesn't really matter, but I believe there are greater rewards awaiting you outside the safety of your parents home. Best of luck honey xxxxxx
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    Sound pretty on the ball to me. You're doing all the things i want to do. I sit and daydream for hours, listen to music, learn pointless facts, cartwheel, stare at clouds and generally spin on my chair. While all these could just be perceived as mindless procrastination - i enjoy it. I dont have a girlfriend. I dont have too many friends, and sometimes i cant be arsed with people. Doesn't seem as though anythings wrong to you. If your family are calling you pathetic, it doesn't really matter unless you think you are. If you are fine with how you are, then so should other people. And if they're not - who cares. You only get one life. Live it how you want to live it. Nothing wrong with you. Maybe youre a tad psychotic. Buy hey - who isn't x

    P.s If you came on here and asked people. Then surely you think that somethings not right. Do you question the meaning to your life? And do you question whether you're really content? Because if you're content, you shouldn't be on here. You shouldn't be asking the question. Because that's all that matters - Your happiness.

    p.p.s previous poster has some fair points. Just like to say theres no reason WHY you should have to live your house, become independent, or do anything. Its your life. Sure independence and a direction in life could bring great benefits, but they could also bring disastrous consequences, when things dont turn out as you'd had hoped. But.. you'll never know unless you try.

    Another point. Sure this self help business. Its great on paper. But it doesnt always work that way in life. Theres no shame or Naivety in heading down a path without knowing exactly where you're heading.Some people live their whole life and never really learn who they are, nor what they desire from life. But thats not negative, nor is it something to be ashamed of. You dont have to know what you want. You dont have to know anything. But one things for certain. If you want a change, you'll have to dip your toes into the icy pool of uncertainty.

    No one else can do it for you x
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    (Original post by Kingers)

    p.p.s previous poster has some fair points. Just like to say theres no reason WHY you should have to live your house, become independent, or do anything. Its your life. Sure independence and a direction in life could bring great benefits, but they could also bring disastrous consequences, when things dont turn out as you'd had hoped. But.. you'll never know unless you try.
    I do see what you mean Kingers. But I can think of a very good reason for the above. Why should your parents keep you while you while away the hours strumming your guitar, daydreaming and not doing a great deal? What about their life? And disastrous consequences? You mean life?
    I just think it's unhealthy and a tad selfish to expect your parents to foot the bill for your right to live your own life y'know? Or anyone else for that matter. It's just wrong somehow, I can't put my finger on why.
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    I live in rented accomodation payed for off my own back.
    And when i lived with parents i contributed to the rent, and food.
    If your parents dont mind housing her, i dont see the issue. In the end, we're all guna die and whether we achieved independance, made our parents proud, attained all our goals, or failed miserably matters not. We die. The issue is happiness and making the most of your time. Whatever that may mean..
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    Most of my waking hours are spent daydreaming. It's pleasurable.
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    Daydreaming is pleasurable, but can never be as pleasurable as being in the here and now. Your imagined senses aren't as strong or as exciting as your real senses.

    OP, it's fine to live a sheltered life, Bhuddist Monks etc. seem to do it and are the most contented people on the planet, HOWEVER.

    They do not feel anxious or insecure or inconfident.
    It's very likely that those feelings stem from the fact that actually, you aren't content with where you are.

    If you were content, then you wouldn't be posting the question here.

    Have a look at what it is you want in life. Can you achieve those things whilst living a sheltered life?
    Im not saying the answer is no. It might be yes, but you need to think about that before you get into the habit.
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    I know where you're coming from. I'm 21 and have lived a sheltered life till I was about 18, scared and fearful of the unknown i.e. everything. I went to uni andI beganto open up and develop more until I graduated, and what I found out was strange. Everyone I thought was better than me because of their experiences and having graduated and back to living this lifestyle, I feel utterly *****.

    If you do want to make friends/boyfriends, I guess you'll have to accept that they'll have more experience than you. I'm a virgin so there's been a mismatch that boys hate ad it's been very hard to shed the status.
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    I still live with my parents and I guess that I'm a little sheltered. I don't hate it at all but it bugs me that there is more out there. So I've decided to broaden my horizons this year. I'm travelling abroad, alone for the first time. I'm going to do all sorts of things that my mom will disapprove of like sky-diving. I'm moving out next year. It is comfortable to live sheltered, especially when your parents are willing to look after you financially like mine because there is never much to worry about, but it is very exhilarating to break away and take hold of your own life.
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    TBH you sound like a cool person with your interests and personality. Also you sound like you're comfortable with your self like that apart from the anxiety stuff. Definitely not pathetic!

    Socialising and friends and all the other stuff after suffering from anxiety is difficult. You shouldn't be too harsh on yourself because for some people all that comes easily and stuff follows (contacts, jobs, opportunities etc). It used to come easily to me but things got a bit ****** up and anxiety as well as depression followed. I'm still in that rut and making a mess of things now and stuff like relationships, friends, are really difficult for me.

    It's good that you've got plans as well. Stick to them and start putting them into action. Don't let the anxiety talk you out of it and don't let people grind you down (way way easier said than done). Perhaps you could volunteer somewhere (do-it.org), or join a club (meet up.com) in something that interests you to widen your social circle?

    Oh and chances are you probably have got some friends or acquaintances waiting to be friends but haven't really had the chance with the anxiety and all. Text them ask them how they are. I did this and the odd one fobbed me off but one has pretty much turned into my best mate (though I might have proper ****** things up with them - anxiety again! eek).
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    Venus79 can you please get in contact with me - I know this is a long shot - since the post is like soooooo of old - but - fingers crossed! ☺xxxx
 
 
 
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