Friend has invited another friend to a meal I planned

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Might not seem strange but context.

I am a guy who likes to be by himself, I have mental health problems and I am autistic, its another friends birthday tomorrow who has autism and MH problems too, we both get on with someone else who has asked if they can come. I don't mind as he has helped me in the past.

Theres another person whom I technically can say is a friend though I don't like him much, I tolerate him and he comes to mine most weeks and we order take out but the whole time I look at clock and wish he would leave quickly as hes very socially awkward to point he mocks and insults things I like, is very messy and sometimes I want to talk and he tells me he doesn't want to listen and if I continue he loudly says "I said I don't want to listen" he does have signs of autism himself.

Anyway the friend of the friend has invited this guy to the "meal" tomorrow.

The meal wasn't something big, I was going to use some pork I had sitting in freezer for a long time and was going to boil some potatoes and some mixed veg, it was just a way to catch up with my friend and he gave me a lift a few weeks ago and declined to share petrol costs so I was doing this to pay him back and after the food I thought we could chat for 30 minutes and that would be it and he would go.

It wasn't meant as a big thing, I don't want to cook for 4 people and I have to be up for work at 7.30am the next day and want to spend the evening before by myself and if the meal which was meant to be 6pm tomorrow goes ahead it likely will be 8pm before people leave and I have to clean.

I don't want to say to the person whom I didn't plan on coming no as that will sound cruel, but don't know what to do
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leepic
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#2
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#2
:eek:
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SagaciousSag
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#3
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#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Might not seem strange but context.

I am a guy who likes to be by himself, I have mental health problems and I am autistic, its another friends birthday tomorrow who has autism and MH problems too, we both get on with someone else who has asked if they can come. I don't mind as he has helped me in the past.

Theres another person whom I technically can say is a friend though I don't like him much, I tolerate him and he comes to mine most weeks and we order take out but the whole time I look at clock and wish he would leave quickly as hes very socially awkward to point he mocks and insults things I like, is very messy and sometimes I want to talk and he tells me he doesn't want to listen and if I continue he loudly says "I said I don't want to listen" he does have signs of autism himself.

Anyway the friend of the friend has invited this guy to the "meal" tomorrow.

The meal wasn't something big, I was going to use some pork I had sitting in freezer for a long time and was going to boil some potatoes and some mixed veg, it was just a way to catch up with my friend and he gave me a lift a few weeks ago and declined to share petrol costs so I was doing this to pay him back and after the food I thought we could chat for 30 minutes and that would be it and he would go.

It wasn't meant as a big thing, I don't want to cook for 4 people and I have to be up for work at 7.30am the next day and want to spend the evening before by myself and if the meal which was meant to be 6pm tomorrow goes ahead it likely will be 8pm before people leave and I have to clean.

I don't want to say to the person whom I didn't plan on coming no as that will sound cruel, but don't know what to do
Ask the friend whose birthday it is if they want this guy to come. If your friend says no, tell this person that your friend said no, explain the situation, and say, 'sorry, no hard feelings'.
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londonmyst
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#4
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#4
Tell your friend that you don't like the guy who is very messy and regularly tells you that he doesn't want to listen to you.
That you will not give him a free meal or put up with having him in your home.
Make it very clear how you feel about him so that your friend knows that you are fed up and have decided that you will no longer put up with his behaviour.
Nor let him come around to your home again.
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#5
I have mentioned the the friend with the birthday many times about the one I tolerate and he agrees with everything I say but hes a soft touch and never says no to someone asking a favour or similar.

The friend I tolerate has terrible table manners too, he likes a toke after work or before he comes to mine and doesn't close his mouth correct so I have had to hold back sick sensations before as all I hear is him slobber and slurp as hes hungry (he starves all day before he gets to mine so he can get take away) and he can scoff down a 10 inch pizza in about 2 minutes sometimes less all whilst not closing his mouth right then drink a can of cola.

He is better though, at least most of time now he takes his rubbish into kitchen and put it into bins as I complained that much to him at one point he would have half open pizza boxes on floor, spilled food and beer/soft drinks, crumbs from snacks which was even worse when he lived non local as he would stay for 3-5 days (after saying 1-2 days) and had 2 take aways a day so could have 10 pizza boxes and about 20 beer cans on the ground under his feet.
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StriderHort
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#6
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#6
The short answer is you need to stand up for yourself and stop sending people mixed messages.
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SagaciousSag
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#7
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#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
I have mentioned the the friend with the birthday many times about the one I tolerate and he agrees with everything I say but hes a soft touch and never says no to someone asking a favour or similar.

The friend I tolerate has terrible table manners too, he likes a toke after work or before he comes to mine and doesn't close his mouth correct so I have had to hold back sick sensations before as all I hear is him slobber and slurp as hes hungry (he starves all day before he gets to mine so he can get take away) and he can scoff down a 10 inch pizza in about 2 minutes sometimes less all whilst not closing his mouth right then drink a can of cola.

He is better though, at least most of time now he takes his rubbish into kitchen and put it into bins as I complained that much to him at one point he would have half open pizza boxes on floor, spilled food and beer/soft drinks, crumbs from snacks which was even worse when he lived non local as he would stay for 3-5 days (after saying 1-2 days) and had 2 take aways a day so could have 10 pizza boxes and about 20 beer cans on the ground under his feet.
Stay for 3-5 days with 2 takeaways a day? Out of your pocket, right? This friendship should've ended a long time ago. You're being used for money and hospitality. Don't tolerate. Just say no.
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Anonymous #1
#8
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To be clear I HAVE snapped at the person before and told him I dislike what he is doing but he doesn't understand what I am saying due to his social awkwardness he has even told me in the past that, and that what he says makes sense.

I have even told him to leave in the past as he was annoying me and he has told me that I was the one who was getting upset over nothing.

It's his lack of understanding of how the world works that is stressful, and he doesn't understand other peoples opinion, like if he wants Chinese and everyone else wants pizza he would be unhappy and say in that case they should buy him pizza as it wasn't his choice.

If I have a voucher for buy one get one free at somewhere like Subway he will say he isn't a Subway fan but since I want to go and I have a buy one get one free voucher I pay rather than we go halves.

It's not out of him being a jerk he just doesn't understand and he would get confused if yout old him even irate if you tried explaining and his body langauge changes and you can see his shoulders tensing and he just switches off.
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Anonymous #1
#9
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(Original post by SagaciousSag)
Stay for 3-5 days with 2 takeaways a day? Out of your pocket, right? This friendship should've ended a long time ago. You're being used for money and hospitality. Don't tolerate. Just say no.
No he paid for his own, but again it was his social awkwardness, I would tell him he could do me a favour since I was letting him stay and (at the time) I was unemployed and he went "well benefits pay for this, and you have a spare room so its no hassle for you" not in a nasty way but in a innocent way.

It's more that he doesn't understand that if he wants something and it causes hassle for someone they can be rightfully upset or say no, but if they want/need something and ask him as it stresses him out or takes his time up he says no as its no benefit to him.

Again its all innocence in a way, hes not meaning to be malicious he just lacks social awareness.
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StriderHort
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
But again it was his social awkwardness
In what context exactly?

I would consider myself socially awkward at varying levels... but I understand English, the idea that other people might be annoyed by by my or others actions, I can take 'no' for an answer and have a basic quantity and quality of empathy and sympathy to those around me... the person you describe seems barely able to function around humans in a way that goes beyond awkward and into 'I need serious ongoing support' territory
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