19 year old girl and over 30 year old man, is this wrong?

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
Hello,

I am a little bit concerned about a friend of mine that she might be groomed, she is 19 years old. Let's call this 19 year old girl Y and this man who is over 30 years old X.

To add some background context about my friend, unfortunately she has experienced sexual abuse, possibly even rape and harassment when she was young. This 30 year old is an ex drug addict, that's all I know of him. Nothing wrong with both of them, just giving some brief straight to the point background info.

Am I right to be concerned that my friend might be groomed by this over 30 years old man? He is a family friend of hers apparently and they spend a lot of time together, way more than usual as far as I have been told by my friend.

I am concerned about her because I know she is very vulnerable, easily manipulated, also because what she has experienced when she was young and also grooming can happen at any age as far as I am aware.

I hope I make sense!
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SagaciousSag
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#2
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#2
You're right to be worried, because she is vulnerable.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SagaciousSag)
You're right to be worried, because she is vulnerable.
I am just worried in general of her safety and I thought I was wrong to be worried.
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sufys
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hello,

I am a little bit concerned about a friend of mine that she might be groomed, she is 19 years old. Let's call this 19 year old girl Y and this man who is over 30 years old X.

To add some background context about my friend, unfortunately she has experienced sexual abuse, possibly even rape and harassment when she was young. This 30 year old is an ex drug addict, that's all I know of him. Nothing wrong with both of them, just giving some brief straight to the point background info.

Am I right to be concerned that my friend might be groomed by this over 30 years old man? He is a family friend of hers apparently and they spend a lot of time together, way more than usual as far as I have been told by my friend.

I am concerned about her because I know she is very vulnerable, easily manipulated, also because what she has experienced when she was young and also grooming can happen at any age as far as I am aware.

I hope I make sense!
You're right to be concerned.
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Anonymous #1
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What should I do? I don't really know if I am the only friend that knows about this and how I would go about maybe doing something about this?
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Meduse
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(Original post by Anonymous)
What should I do? I don't really know if I am the only friend that knows about this and how I would go about maybe doing something about this?
Unfortunately, as she is a legal adult, you cannot do much. However, given her past trauma, she is statistically more likely to fall into an abusive relationship.

What you want to avoid doing is questioning her and pushing her away. You want to be her network of support and to let her know that you're always there for her. Ask her often how she is doing and take note of any signs, e.g. if she is withdrawing and not spending as much time with you or talking to you, if she seems unhappy or anxious. This could be a sign of something unhealthy going on. Avoid being too pushy. You need to find the tricky balance of asking enough to know how she is, but doing so without seeming invasive.

Do you know if she struggles with her mental health or has ever sought professional help, such as therapy?

Does she appear to be okay, with the little signs you may have to go off?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Meduse)
Unfortunately, as she is a legal adult, you cannot do much. However, given her past trauma, she is statistically more likely to fall into an abusive relationship.

What you want to avoid doing is questioning her and pushing her away. You want to be her network of support and to let her know that you're always there for her. Ask her often how she is doing and take note of any signs, e.g. if she is withdrawing and not spending as much time with you or talking to you, if she seems unhappy or anxious. This could be a sign of something unhealthy going on. Avoid being too pushy. You need to find the tricky balance of asking enough to know how she is, but doing so without seeming invasive.

Do you know if she struggles with her mental health or has ever sought professional help, such as therapy?

Does she appear to be okay, with the little signs you may have to go off?
We actually used to be together for almost 3 years, but she was the one who ended the relationship because of her mental health and I completely agreed with that. We decided to remain friends as the break up was very respectful and not nasty.

She opened up to me about her and she does struggle a lot with mental health. I have tried to be there for her as much as I could, but it wasn't enough and that's okay. We do not speak anymore at all, but I do have a strong feeling there is something wrong with her as there always has been even when she was with me.
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Meduse
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
We actually used to be together for almost 3 years, but she was the one who ended the relationship because of her mental health and I completely agreed with that. We decided to remain friends as the break up was very respectful and not nasty.

She opened up to me about her and she does struggle a lot with mental health. I have tried to be there for her as much as I could, but it wasn't enough and that's okay. We do not speak anymore at all, but I do have a strong feeling there is something wrong with her as there always has been even when she was with me.
You are right to be concerned. Thank you for seeking advice about this.

Is there any way you can try to get back in contact with her, just mentioning that you wanted to see how she's getting on, maybe start a bit of a mundane conversation and then gradually increase contact over time? Also, please encourage her friends to check up on her, but again, not to be too pushy and not to do it everyday unless something seems seriously off.

Did you ever suggest professional help to her whilst you were together, or has she had any in the past that you're aware of?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Meduse)
You are right to be concerned. Thank you for seeking advice about this.

Is there any way you can try to get back in contact with her, just mentioning that you wanted to see how she's getting on, maybe start a bit of a mundane conversation and then gradually increase contact over time? Also, please encourage her friends to check up on her, but again, not to be too pushy and not to do it everyday unless something seems seriously off.

Did you ever suggest professional help to her whilst you were together, or has she had any in the past that you're aware of?
Not a problem, I am glad I am able to talk to someone about this. I am just concerned about her, that's all.

Last time we talked properly was a few months ago...and I am not really sure how to start a conversation without making it seem weird to her that I may want her back, which is 100% not what I want since I have moved on.

I did recommend her, but she hasn't got any professional help as far as I am aware. As of her friends....I have never spoke to them and I don't want too as it would raise suspicion and probably make things worse off....
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Meduse
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#10
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Not a problem, I am glad I am able to talk to someone about this. I am just concerned about her, that's all.

Last time we talked properly was a few months ago...and I am not really sure how to start a conversation without making it seem weird to her that I may want her back, which is 100% not what I want since I have moved on.

I did recommend her, but she hasn't got any professional help as far as I am aware. As of her friends....I have never spoke to them and I don't want too as it would raise suspicion and probably make things worse off....
I understand your point. It's a tricky situation.

I think, if it feels okay for you, it is possible to ask how she's doing as a friend, without implying any romantic interest. If she finds it awkward, then she will approach that however she wishes, but at least you will have tried to be another support contact for her.

Ultimately, there's not much you can do here, but I think the most impactful thing you could do is to either talk to her or her friends and just let them know that you're a bit concerned.

If it were me, I wouldn't care about people thinking that I 'may' be interested again, because you know what is motivating you to take action. You're concerned, and rightly so.

It's your call.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Meduse)
I understand your point. It's a tricky situation.

I think, if it feels okay for you, it is possible to ask how she's doing as a friend, without implying any romantic interest. If she finds it awkward, then she will approach that however she wishes, but at least you will have tried to be another support contact for her.

Ultimately, there's not much you can do here, but I think the most impactful thing you could do is to either talk to her or her friends and just let them know that you're a bit concerned.

If it were me, I wouldn't care about people thinking that I 'may' be interested again, because you know what is motivating you to take action. You're concerned, and rightly so.

It's your call.
Thank you for your input and contribution.

You are right, I do not care much about her friends opinion about me, but I do care what actions they might probably take against me. I just don't want to have problems with the police or something in general as that would really affect me.

I am going to give it a few more weeks and try to see what happens. I might contact her mother anonymously as I am not 100% certain she knows about this.
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Meduse
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for your input and contribution.

You are right, I do not care much about her friends opinion about me, but I do care what actions they might probably take against me. I just don't want to have problems with the police or something in general as that would really affect me.

I am going to give it a few more weeks and try to see what happens. I might contact her mother anonymously as I am not 100% certain she knows about this.
I can understand that, but why would the police be involved if you were to contact her friends? If you mean they may just contact the police and believe you to be harassing your ex, it seems you have done nothing wrong and are concerned, so this won't have any adverse consequences unless anything else has happened in the past. All there would be is evidence of your concern. Her friends cannot speak for her. If she felt harassed, surely she'd ask for contact them herself.

Contacting her mother is another good option.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Meduse)
I can understand that, but why would the police be involved if you were to contact her friends? If you mean they may just contact the police and believe you to be harassing your ex, it seems you have done nothing wrong and are concerned, so this won't have any adverse consequences unless anything else has happened in the past. All there would be is evidence of your concern. Her friends cannot speak for her. If she felt harassed, surely she'd ask for contact them herself.

Contacting her mother is another good option.
You are right, but that's what I can see her friends doing which would totally be weird.

I am thinking of contacting her mother and see what she says.
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Meduse
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You are right, but that's what I can see her friends doing which would totally be weird.

I am thinking of contacting her mother and see what she says.
It's up to you, then. If it were me, I wouldn't care about any weirdness/awkwardness if it involved someone's welfare. But it's your right to do what you feel is best.

And that sounds like a good idea.
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Surnia
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What is actually giving you cause for concern? 30yo ex-drug-addict =/= groomer, so where are the genuine red flags, other than her background? What have you seen and heard, other than second-hand information? And because that's all you have, you know if you report it to the police it will involve the other friends as they are the witnesses to, well, something.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
What is actually giving you cause for concern? 30yo ex-drug-addict =/= groomer, so where are the genuine red flags, other than her background? What have you seen and heard, other than second-hand information? And because that's all you have, you know if you report it to the police it will involve the other friends as they are the witnesses to, well, something.
Her background and the fact she is vulnerable ,easily manipulated and past trauma that's all. I haven't heard anything else and that's why I am not jumping to conclusions.

All I have is a concern about her safety, that's all.
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Anonymous #2
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It is legal I guess, morally I know it is a bit weird to be fair, but if you genuinely believe that: get evidence ASAP. She could end up into many awful things. Him being a drug addict can condone things in her but along with that, as her past dictates, it can lead her to misjudge situations and makes her vulnerable as you say, so look out for her. If not take this to the police, because as I have mentioned it is dangerous.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It is legal I guess, morally I know it is a bit weird to be fair, but if you genuinely believe that: get evidence ASAP. She could end up into many awful things. Him being a drug addict can condone things in her but along with that, as her past dictates, it can lead her to misjudge situations and makes her vulnerable as you say, so look out for her. If not take this to the police, because as I have mentioned it is dangerous.
That's what I will try to do. I won't stalk or anything, but I will try to hear from her friends how she is doing and if she is fine etc. Legally is right, you are correct. I also have this feeling that she might be getting herself into trouble, but who knows at the end of the day.

I will try to do whatever I can and see where this leads.
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Benjidude
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That's what I will try to do. I won't stalk or anything, but I will try to hear from her friends how she is doing and if she is fine etc. Legally is right, you are correct. I also have this feeling that she might be getting herself into trouble, but who knows at the end of the day.

I will try to do whatever I can and see where this leads.
Maybe you already answered this, but do you know what her friends think about this guy and the age gap? And are you on good terms with her friends?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
That's what I will try to do. I won't stalk or anything, but I will try to hear from her friends how she is doing and if she is fine etc. Legally is right, you are correct. I also have this feeling that she might be getting herself into trouble, but who knows at the end of the day.

I will try to do whatever I can and see where this leads.
If you can though, do not get too involved either. I know it is hard but trust me, the more you fall into it, you will get yourself in trouble or you will end up hurt. take care tho lovely <3
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