My bf messages a BUNCH of girls and it bothers me

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
Okay this isn’t something I really like to do bc I generally like to respect privacy and I’m ashamed I did, but I went through my bf’s fb messenger since it was just open when I went to use his pc to go onto my fb. Throughout our relationship he’s messaged mainly loads of girls, girls I’m not aware of as his female friends, and they’re all attractive. This is through the course of our 5 year relationship, they’re not him flirting necessarily but I just feel weird that it’s just all attractive girls and it’s all him mostly having these emotional support paragraphs- I’m fine with that if it was something he did with all his friends male and female but it feels like he just speaks to them bc he’s attracted to them.There was one that bothered me where he said to a girl out of the blue a few years ago ‘you're one of the sweetest girls I ever knew’ and ‘you are loved’ which is nice but it just felt like he was saying it bc of some attraction to make her melt or whatever. He also tried to invite a girl up a few years ago i havent even met to game on my PS4 he was borrowing whilst I was away which Pd me off, he mentioned to her that it was mine but still he never told me about her. We also had a break a few years back bc I needed to focus on myself for a couple of weeks, and I found at that time he was messaging all girls- not his friendship group, that he was feeling lonely- feeling like he was trying to get female attention and hopes of a rebound or something. He said recently he wanted to expand his friendship circle, which I greatly encourage for him and mentioned he was doing meet-ups with guy friends, but he didn’t mention to me the recent exclusively attractive girls he DMd in his messenger. Maybe this is just me being paranoid and reading into things too much, and I know I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy like that, plus nothing he said was explicitly flirting and he is generally not the type to be unfaithful and he’s very kind and selfness. But it still bothers me that he messages mostly girls and a lot I don’t even know of it just feels to suspicious man.
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londonmyst
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#2
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#2
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Some guys have more female friends than male friends and like getting lots of attention from females- online & offline.
It is often platonic or based solely upon needing female validation to fuel self-esteem/ego and the interactions never have an explicit sexual element.
If you feel very uncomfortable, insecure or jealous- this is not the right guy or relationship for you.
Good luck!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Some guys have more female friends than male friends and like getting lots of attention from females- online & offline.
It is often platonic or based solely upon needing female validation to fuel self-esteem/ego and the interactions never have an explicit sexual element.
If you feel very uncomfortable, insecure or jealous- this is not the right guy or relationship for you.
Good luck!
Thankyou for this, and I get what you say but it doesn’t agree with me- the part of ego/self esteem I think is s***** and low key pathetic and not cool within the realms of a relationship. That’s rooted in attraction and feeling validated by the preferred sex, I don’t think it’s something acceptable in a relationship. I want to bring this all up with him but he will be pretty mad that I went through his fb and it could be some deal breaker
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xox416
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thankyou for this, and I get what you say but it doesn’t agree with me- the part of ego/self esteem I think is s***** and low key pathetic and not cool within the realms of a relationship. That’s rooted in attraction and feeling validated by the preferred sex, I don’t think it’s something acceptable in a relationship. I want to bring this all up with him but he will be pretty mad that I went through his fb and it could be some deal breaker
Is this a deal breaker for you though.
Hes doing something that makes you feel icky and you're worried about what's a deal breaker for him.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by xox416)
Is this a deal breaker for you though.
Hes doing something that makes you feel icky and you're worried about what's a deal breaker for him.
I’m riddled with confusion bc it goes against my love for him and his care for me. I just want to express my anger and communicate in hopes of setting a boundary, but it’s risky grounds to walk upon
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Chicken.M.
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Women are just better at giving emotional support than men. I think it's pretty common for men to have those conversations with female friends than male friends.

I only have one male friend who I feel comfortable having those conversations with and even then he's the last option I'd pick out of my friends.
Last edited by Chicken.M.; 1 month ago
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Mara1680
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#7
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He's done nothing wrong. You said yourself the messages are not flirty. He made that girl aware of your existence (not pretending he's single etc). Have you considered that maybe he didn't tell you about messaging these girl because he thought you would react exactly the way you did?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Chicken.M.)
Women are just better at giving emotional support than men. I think it's pretty common for men to have those conversations with female friends than male friends.

I only have one male friend who I feel comfortable having those conversations with and even then he's the last option I'd pick out of my friends.
I get that that’s fair, id be more understanding if he confided in girls in his friendship circle but scouting out random girls on his Facebook that are all coincidentally good looking bothers me, especially during our break.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Mara1680)
He's done nothing wrong. You said yourself the messages are not flirty. He made that girl aware of your existence (not pretending he's single etc). Have you considered that maybe he didn't tell you about messaging these girl because he thought you would react exactly the way you did?
I mean apart from the paragraph where he out of the blue said to a girl she’s really sweet and all that, that feels like something motivated by romantic intent.
And idk if he’d not tell me bc of how I’d react, like we’ve been transparent on who we’ve hung out with apart from him now that I find out he’s been selective of who he says he’s hang out with, like I’m aware of some female friends and others I’m not.
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xox416
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#10
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m riddled with confusion bc it goes against my love for him and his care for me. I just want to express my anger and communicate in hopes of setting a boundary, but it’s risky grounds to walk upon
Does he allow you to use his phone?
How'd you get into his phone? If he gave you his password then he's probably not doing something intentionally hurtful to you unless he's bold.
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Anonymous #1
#11
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(Original post by xox416)
Does he allow you to use his phone?
How'd you get into his phone? If he gave you his password then he's probably not doing something intentionally hurtful to you unless he's bold.
This was on his pc, he has given me access to his password on his pc/phone though- maybe you’re right
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Okay this isn’t something I really like to do bc I generally like to respect privacy and I’m ashamed I did, but I went through my bf’s fb messenger since it was just open when I went to use his pc to go onto my fb. Throughout our relationship he’s messaged mainly loads of girls, girls I’m not aware of as his female friends, and they’re all attractive. This is through the course of our 5 year relationship, they’re not him flirting necessarily but I just feel weird that it’s just all attractive girls and it’s all him mostly having these emotional support paragraphs- I’m fine with that if it was something he did with all his friends male and female but it feels like he just speaks to them bc he’s attracted to them.There was one that bothered me where he said to a girl out of the blue a few years ago ‘you're one of the sweetest girls I ever knew’ and ‘you are loved’ which is nice but it just felt like he was saying it bc of some attraction to make her melt or whatever. He also tried to invite a girl up a few years ago i havent even met to game on my PS4 he was borrowing whilst I was away which Pd me off, he mentioned to her that it was mine but still he never told me about her. We also had a break a few years back bc I needed to focus on myself for a couple of weeks, and I found at that time he was messaging all girls- not his friendship group, that he was feeling lonely- feeling like he was trying to get female attention and hopes of a rebound or something. He said recently he wanted to expand his friendship circle, which I greatly encourage for him and mentioned he was doing meet-ups with guy friends, but he didn’t mention to me the recent exclusively attractive girls he DMd in his messenger. Maybe this is just me being paranoid and reading into things too much, and I know I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy like that, plus nothing he said was explicitly flirting and he is generally not the type to be unfaithful and he’s very kind and selfness. But it still bothers me that he messages mostly girls and a lot I don’t even know of it just feels to suspicious man.
Trust your gutt. If it were me I'd bring it up too. It's something that is clearly bothering you and making you anxious, and its worth talking about. Tell him how it makes you feel and see if he stops doing that or at least holds back. It doesn't have to be explicitly flirting for it to mean he's got something going on. If after the conversation is over and there isn't much improvement, then you're just waiting for an unescapable end, holding onto an inevitable end so its better deciding if that's a deal breaker and ending things. I'm sorry you're going through this but it'll be okay
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Trust your gutt. If it were me I'd bring it up too. It's something that is clearly bothering you and making you anxious, and its worth talking about. Tell him how it makes you feel and see if he stops doing that or at least holds back. It doesn't have to be explicitly flirting for it to mean he's got something going on. If after the conversation is over and there isn't much improvement, then you're just waiting for an unescapable end, holding onto an inevitable end so its better deciding if that's a deal breaker and ending things. I'm sorry you're going through this but it'll be okay
Thankyou for your reply it means something
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Trust your gutt. If it were me I'd bring it up too. It's something that is clearly bothering you and making you anxious, and its worth talking about. Tell him how it makes you feel and see if he stops doing that or at least holds back. It doesn't have to be explicitly flirting for it to mean he's got something going on. If after the conversation is over and there isn't much improvement, then you're just waiting for an unescapable end, holding onto an inevitable end so its better deciding if that's a deal breaker and ending things. I'm sorry you're going through this but it'll be okay
I’m just unsure how though, bc that’ll mean confessing that I invaded his privacy and that’ll make him angry and perhaps be a deal breaking situation
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xox416
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#15
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#15
(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m just unsure how though, bc that’ll mean confessing that I invaded his privacy and that’ll make him angry and perhaps be a deal breaking situation
Whyd you look at his messages?
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Anonymous #2
#16
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#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m just unsure how though, bc that’ll mean confessing that I invaded his privacy and that’ll make him angry and perhaps be a deal breaking situation
You're welcome. You did kind of invade his privacy but then again you did find something that genuinely bothers you which you wouldn't have if he didn't tell you (which he didn't and could be just a violation of trust if you've talked about this with him before). If he's angry and refuses to communicate with you about what he's doing and how its making you feel then that is a red flag. Communication is vital for a relationship to grow, cause there will always be arguments and ups and downs but if he doesn't talk about it with you and fix it then it won't go anywhere.

Besides if you finding out about what he's doing is a deal breaker, then maybe think about how him messaging other women that way is starting to feel like a deal breaker to you. It wouldn't affect and bother you this much if it wasn't. Talk to him about it.
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