First, this is mostly just to rant a bit. That said, I'm looking to see if someone has any advice.
The 'myth of Cambridge' has been in my family since my grandmother turned down a BA in Maths eons ago to move to Canada and I have been researching this school since my elementary years so it feels very much like a weird part of my identity. For my undergrad I applied and didn't interview. Okay, that's fair and was probably great for me in the long run as it was a field I didn't end up anywhere near. I was devastated at the time and it took me a year and a half of mild depression to work my way through it and accept my situation, which I was only able to do because I could try again for grad school. Two years ago I applied for a PhD in Chemistry and was offered a spot with King's but didn't get any funding. Hard to swallow, but I could take time to put extra work into my MSc and apply again (again). This cycle, I applied for a PhD in Biotechnology and was not only offered a spot with St John's but the department scored me 29/30 (top three for the programme apparently) and fast tracked my application through two months of bureaucracy in a few hours. I got an offer letter before my portal had even updated to "Degree Committee". And yet, now, after months, I've resigned myself to the fact that, once again, I will be completely left out of the funding allocation. Not a single penny from any source. With international tuition and a middle class background, it looks like I have to give up on ever being a student at this institution. It feels like I'm having to give up a piece of my (admittedly unearned) identity. It would be one thing if the university had determined that I wasn't compatible with the program or that my background was insufficient. But I know and they seem know that I would be able to succeed and so the only thing holding me back is the funding.
The college emailed a few days ago with the accommodation request form and it hit me like a brick to the side of the face that there was no point in filling it out. The part of my brain that plans incessantly has had nothing to do but dwell and pine. I spent the weekend alone in my room on google maps street view 'walking' around the city and back and forth to the department just sad over the loss of what the next 3-4 years could have been. It's getting bad.
So here's the question: does anyone have any advice on how to let go of Cambridge and rationalise this into being a good thing?
I'll be taking a more than fully funded PhD (similar project) at McGill instead and have been named the department's top incoming student and nominated as one of the university's top 5 incoming students. But somehow, even this feels like a sorry consolation.