I'm losing my friend

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I'm writing this while falling apart and I hate myself so much for it. A month ago I met a guy who overtime has ended up being one of my closest friends, I trust and care about him so much. I think a part of it's got to do with both of us having gone through so much trauma and still hurting in a way I've never really met someone go through. I could read through his mind, he didn't keep anything from me, and I felt happy.

Things went downhill when he told me he liked me and we ended up sleeping together, just once and then we told ourselves we wouldn't do that again, jeopardising other friendships and relationships, and we haven't after. Something really bad happened to him a few days ago with one of his ex's of sorts and he didn't really want to talk about it, and kept busy with work.

I had a bad feeling about this because that wasn't us, he told me things he hadn't told a soul and I felt so helpless, I told him that I was there for him and he just switched between being busy and numb to avoiding the topic to avoiding conversation with me, and I overthink a lot. Been crying the last few days and I don't wanna lose him.

He's got a habit of ghosting people without realising it and pushing people away, and I am tired of losing people in my life. I don't wanna lose him and he said it was bound to happen eventually and he's sorry and its not my fault but I don't wanna. I want to fight for us but I want to give him space and not come off as clingy, and now he said he wanted to talk tonight and I was happy but then I said I might see him later this week and he said we could talk then, and I asked what kind of conversation this was, and from the sounds of it he's breaking up our friendship.

He said mutually benificial something because he doesn't wanna hurt me, and I said I was crying and he said that he doesn't want me to because he hates it when I get sad and he can't be there to make me feel better and I told him I can't help it and that the last few days have been hell.

I don't wanna lose him. I can't lose more people and I wanna fight for him but I don't wanna be fighting for someone who's decided on leaving. He likes me still but we don't talk much about it, I don't think its romantically and I would never date him (just not my type).
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happydayys
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#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
Just try your best not to overthink it. If he still wants the friendship he’ll be there, remember everyone processes things so differently and you said he’s going through a tough time at the moment. He might just need time to himself, but come back once he’s worked through whatever he’s struggling with.

You implied you’ve lost people from your life before, so i can totally see why him pulling back would be so destabilising to you, especially since you seem to connect on such a deep emotional level, but I think just keeping it in perspective might be good? Focusing on all the parts of yourself he’s not involved in, and picturing your guys’ friendship 5-10 years from now

Idk if that helps thats just somethings thats worked for me to kinda reduce the panic around people temporarily missing from my life?

Do you have anyone you can talk to irl about this? Sometimes in person conversations are the best to just get all your thoughts out in one go and have someone else be a sounding board for them?
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by happydayys)
Just try your best not to overthink it. If he still wants the friendship he’ll be there, remember everyone processes things so differently and you said he’s going through a tough time at the moment. He might just need time to himself, but come back once he’s worked through whatever he’s struggling with.

You implied you’ve lost people from your life before, so i can totally see why him pulling back would be so destabilising to you, especially since you seem to connect on such a deep emotional level, but I think just keeping it in perspective might be good? Focusing on all the parts of yourself he’s not involved in, and picturing your guys’ friendship 5-10 years from now

Idk if that helps thats just somethings thats worked for me to kinda reduce the panic around people temporarily missing from my life?

Do you have anyone you can talk to irl about this? Sometimes in person conversations are the best to just get all your thoughts out in one go and have someone else be a sounding board for them?
I feel like him and I could still be good friends down the line but he's pulling away kind of. I'm not fully sure what he's doing because he doesn't message me like before, and the things he says about wanting to not be as close friends anymore make me sad and overthink but the moment he knows I'm sad he messages me asking me not to be sad and how he hates it when I'm sad and he's not around to make me feel better. The other night he sent me a message at 3am and it basically said that he wishes that if he could've done life all over again he would try and find me so that he could protect me and make sure all the bad things never happened, and he later sent another one that said that even his mom misses how happy he used to be. I don't really know what to tell him anymore because I want to hold on and stay with him through all this but he doesn't seem to want to sometimes, he seems to think its better for me if he just leaves which isn't true.

I've told one of my friends about all this and he didn't really know what to say either. I told my bf about all this and he wasn't sure either, he said that I should try to hold onto him but at the end of the day if he's pushing me away and avoiding me there's only so much I could do and I guess I just need to accept that but I can't seem to. I've been going through random moments of being really numb and able to talk about it and not shed a single tear, but everything else is just me crying.

I had an interview today for a part time job and he asked my friend how it went instead of asking me, and was glad it went well. He asked if I'd want to meet with him and go for a walk later tonight and I said sure. He told me we couldn't stay in his flat because his friends wouldn't like that (his flatmates also my friends, I'm trying to tell myself its because it might get late and they want to sleep) but it would be an hours walk away from my place.
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happydayys
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#4
Report 1 month ago
#4
It sounds to me like he genuinely really cares about you and obviously wants what’s best for you.

If i was you I’d say definitely go on the walk. If you have to travel an hour it will show him how much the friendship means to you, and the walk will give you a chance to talk about stuff with him in person. Its much easier to work out what’s really going on in person too and if you don’t go on the walk you might not get another chance to see him in person for a while (as you said he’s distancing himself a bit).

Obviously i don’t know him irl so please take this with a pinch of salt, but just as an alternative perspective, as someone who always puts other people before themselves he could be subconsciously distancing himself from you to protect/heal himself, but be consciously believing he’s doing it to protect you? I’ve experienced that before and it might explain why he’s continuing to distance himself despite you communicating that thats not helping you at all.

In the first post you said something traumatic happened with an ex recently and stuff got weird from there? Maybe trying to ask him gently about that whilst on the walk might help you actually understand what’s going on?

I don’t know im rooting for you guys and more than happy to listen x
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by happydayys)
It sounds to me like he genuinely really cares about you and obviously wants what’s best for you.

If i was you I’d say definitely go on the walk. If you have to travel an hour it will show him how much the friendship means to you, and the walk will give you a chance to talk about stuff with him in person. Its much easier to work out what’s really going on in person too and if you don’t go on the walk you might not get another chance to see him in person for a while (as you said he’s distancing himself a bit).

Obviously i don’t know him irl so please take this with a pinch of salt, but just as an alternative perspective, as someone who always puts other people before themselves he could be subconsciously distancing himself from you to protect/heal himself, but be consciously believing he’s doing it to protect you? I’ve experienced that before and it might explain why he’s continuing to distance himself despite you communicating that thats not helping you at all.

In the first post you said something traumatic happened with an ex recently and stuff got weird from there? Maybe trying to ask him gently about that whilst on the walk might help you actually understand what’s going on?

I don’t know im rooting for you guys and more than happy to listen x
I know he cares about me and I know I do really care about him.

I went for the walk, I wouldn't say no to that no matter how sad I'd be. He told me about the bad stuff that had been happening and how I basically reminded him of and looked a lot like the girl who he loved and hurt who the bad stuff had to do with. He told me how it wasn't my fault but a part of him saw her in me, and that just confirms what you said about him distancing himself from me to protect and heal from what happened with her, while trying to justify it as being better for me.

Thank you for listening and all you've said. I told him how important he is to me and how he gives me hope and he keeps self-sabotaging himself because he thinks he doesn't deserve happiness and I guess I refuse to believe that because if he doesn't than its confirming all my insecurities and hate for myself, and I kept trying to tell him how he deserved so much more than all this pain and he just wouldn't accept it. I cried a lot last night and kept wanting to hug him longer because I just wanted to delay the inevitable, hold onto the moment longer, but I'm back to crying in my room now.

He wanted to stay friends but not close friends like now, and I can't do that midway, I can't just go back to being friends who barely know each other or pretending he isn't important to me, and with him persistent on leaving me cause its better for my future, I guess somewhere along the way it meant we'd have to go to being just strangers and that hurt me even more. He said if I messaged he'd reply and wouldn't block me even though I asked him to, I couldn't block him. I told him how lonely I'd feel without him and any of my other friends here, and my separation anxiety acting up and I asked him to decide whether yesterday was goodbye forever, or if we'd stay close through the summer for him to then permanently let go of me after. I guess a part of me wants to convince him over the summer that we could stay close friends and stop him from pushing me away but I guess I know I'm in denial at the same time.
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#6
I know no one cares, I just find it easier writing things out. He left, he decided that was goodbye and in some cathartic way it just happens to be an exact month after the night I met him. And now I'm just crying, hating myself and playing I lost a Friend by FINNEAS and Hold on by Chord Overstreet on repeat. I trusted him and I didn't think he'd leave especially after telling him how much he meant to me and how he kept me grounded and after how he'd been through enough and knew how important it was having someone who genuinely cared stick around. At some point you wonder if the hurt ever does get easier, if after losing pretty much everyone in your life, if it gets easier the next time someone leaves but nope, it hurts just as much and it makes you feel just as sick and used and hollow as every other time.

He said I could always vent to him if there was anything I wanted to talk to him about but then asked me to please try not to. Said it had been great knowing me and that I'm an amazing, kind-hearted person and he's sorry it had to end this way. Its getting sad how people criticise me for caring too much and being too approachable and nice, and then leave and tell me how it makes me a good person. I'm not, I'm a terrible person and there is something inherently wrong with me. At some point you realise that its not the people who leave who are at fault because there's no way so many bad things could happen to one person, and that it's just me.

I miss him already and I feel like shid going through our messages and feeling pathetic and looking at things in my room that remind me of him, from the first happy meal he got me when I was throwing up and crying, and the puzzle we built together and the side of the window he liked leaning over to look outside. Just the ghost of memories.
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happydayys
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#7
Report 1 month ago
#7
I care and genuinely feel invested in your story now.

Honestly im so sorry. Its **** what you’re going through, give yourself as much time as you need to heal from it. Just remember that as horrible as it is it really will hurt a bit less every day and by this time in a few months you’ll be able to think about it without it being so all consumingly painful.

maybe in a few days try doing something else to take your mind off it? I know its so hard to find motivation to do anything when you’re hurting so much though so no pressure. This is just a thought and I obviously have no idea about your financial situation or anything, but have you considered therapy? It might help just to be able to vent to someone who is there just to give you advice and genuinely wants the best for only you.

On a side note, I don’t have to know you any more than just how we’ve been talking for the last few days to be able to tell that you are so far from a ‘terrible person’. To me it sounds like your the kind of person who forms attachments with people quickly, and who is able to emotionally connect with people on a really deep level. It seems that despite the number of people who have left you, you’re still able to give so much of yourself and your emotions to other people even though you know you might get hurt, because you just want to really know and understand someone else, and for them to know and understand you back. Not everyone can do that, and it explains why you might have been hurt more than other people around you, you just give more for people to hurt you with. Higher highs and lower lows, but it shows that you truly care about other people.

im sending so many virtual hugs and will still be here to listen if you want to vent any more
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#8
(Original post by happydayys)
I care and genuinely feel invested in your story now.

Honestly im so sorry. Its **** what you’re going through, give yourself as much time as you need to heal from it. Just remember that as horrible as it is it really will hurt a bit less every day and by this time in a few months you’ll be able to think about it without it being so all consumingly painful.

maybe in a few days try doing something else to take your mind off it? I know its so hard to find motivation to do anything when you’re hurting so much though so no pressure. This is just a thought and I obviously have no idea about your financial situation or anything, but have you considered therapy? It might help just to be able to vent to someone who is there just to give you advice and genuinely wants the best for only you.

On a side note, I don’t have to know you any more than just how we’ve been talking for the last few days to be able to tell that you are so far from a ‘terrible person’. To me it sounds like your the kind of person who forms attachments with people quickly, and who is able to emotionally connect with people on a really deep level. It seems that despite the number of people who have left you, you’re still able to give so much of yourself and your emotions to other people even though you know you might get hurt, because you just want to really know and understand someone else, and for them to know and understand you back. Not everyone can do that, and it explains why you might have been hurt more than other people around you, you just give more for people to hurt you with. Higher highs and lower lows, but it shows that you truly care about other people.

im sending so many virtual hugs and will still be here to listen if you want to vent any more
Thanks for saying all that but I wish it made things better. I've been going back and forth from feeling emotionally drained and numb to just breaking down. I hope it gets better over time, I guess a part of me is holding onto hope from something my bf said (he said that he'd eventually come back to me, he doesn't know when but he'll come back and message me again) but I told him to remind me to not let him back into my life even though I care so so much, I know he'll leave again, he pinky promised me the first time and he still left.

I'm not gonna go into therapy, financial position wouldn't allow it and I don't like the idea of having to pay someone to listen to me, it just makes me feel more pathetic than I already do.

You've read me pretty well expect there aren't that many highs, my life has been one tragedy after another, and its led me to believe I'm hard to love. Barely holding on. I feel worse cause I know he's going through a lot and I just wish I could fix it, just take away the pain and he won't let me. I keep trying to relive our last night together, and how he bought me one of my favourite drinks from when I was younger, hadn't had it for years and I still love it just as much. He told me it tasted like washing liquid and we laughed about how I like the taste of toothpaste. Thinking about how he loves to play pool and how I technically won our last match together. When he asked me where I wanted us to walk to, I told him the place where we went for our very first walk together.

I guess I knew it was goodbye, the last time we were there it was super early in the morning, and this time it was super late at night, the same view the same spot the same person. I kept trying to convince him, I told him how he gave me hope and he told me I was the strongest person he knew and he wanted to help me, and I told him I couldn't be saved. I cried so much that night, I kept going in for a hug, I didn't want the moment to end. I ended up getting dizzy and I sounded drunk and I kept trying to tell him all the things I hadn't before. Small moments I got insecure and reasons to why I went quiet sometimes, trying to look back on our time together. I remember him holding my hand, fingers intertwining and I told him how I liked my thumb being the lil spoon, and I remember his smile. I remember trying to smile when he walked me to the door and hoping it was convincing. I remember breaking into tears the moment I turned my back and walked away, knowing I'd probably never come by there again and things between him and I wouldn't ever be the same. I remember crying on the bus back, and looking out to the same road we'd take back to my place every time we'd walk together, looking out to the place he used to work at and the stories he'd tell me. Just the ghost of memories.

I was reading our older messages and I saw how I promised him I'd never leave, that he could keep trying to push me away but I wouldn't give up, that he deserved so much more than fleeting relationships. I feel terrible for giving up. I was the one who told him that I'd rather be a stranger than superficial friends, not because I wanted him out of my life but because I knew I'd be spending all my time trying to get things back to how it was. I was looking through all the pictures from the time we spent together, how he didn't like me posting them online after I did it once that I just left them all on my phone, From the time he came over and we got drunk staring into the city lights and then we decided to walk for 2 hours to this pretty spot where you could see the stars but it got to day by that point, but we still stuck around and how I took so many pictures of him without him knowing, to the time I tripped over and hurt my knee from trying to show him a ballerina twirl after I was drunk and sad but he cheered me up getting me McDonalds. And that look, just the look in his eyes the last night I saw him, that one time I couldn't read what was going on in his head, and just standing in the silence and trying to let it seep in.

I miss him. I feel like I'm gonna end up tiring and boring all my friends and my bf talking about him all the time.
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#9
Now I'm thinking about all the things I didn't tell him and the things we wanted to do but didn't get a chance. He told me he knew how to do a Spanish tap dance or some other kind of Spanish dance and I asked him to teach me and he said he would. Never happened. He's ticklish but I'm not. Well I've got two random tickle spots and he always joked about wanting to find them, now he wouldn't know. We'd talk about building a fort with giant pillows in the flat common room, and invite people just to kick them out. Won't be doing that anymore. I went and bought a packet of some of my favourite gummy candies and the first thing that came to mind was the time he went through a packet but left out all my favourites ones from the assortment and gave them to me. I broke down crying on the bus back from town today because it was the same bus I'd take to see him, and I ended up sitting on the same spot I always did. I don't know how you can just cut away someone you care about like that. I still don't understand how he genuinely thought I'd be better off without him in my life.
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Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#10
I'm probably going to stop venting here because it's starting to make me feel pathetic. He's got one of my accounts logged in his phone, and I keep saving things there hoping maybe he'd go through them and know how I feel about the whole situation. I've still got a snap streak with him and part of me knows I should let it die and then there's me holding onto it like its something else I can keep longer. Apparently I've got white knight syndrome or rescuers syndrome, and its why this whole situation has been hurting and affecting me so much since people like me base our own self-worth in our ability to save and fix those suffering around us and subconsciously end up creating close ties with people who are going through a lot, forcing us to care more about them while avoiding our own health and issues, creating a little toxic bubble. I feel terrible for not being able to save him and him not letting me help him through what he's going through. His friend messaged me and told me the last few days have been good on him and he's doing better. In some way that's made it easier, knowing he's doing okay. Avoiding how I'm feeling is getting easier as I distract myself in any way possible. I think I'm going to let that snap streak die. He's going to be back home for the next week and I'm going to be clubbing and drinking my thoughts away
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