i have no social skills

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Mystical_psychic
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#1
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#1
I am and have always been a very shy, introverted person, but coming to uni has made me realise just how much i SUCK at social interactions.
I have no clue how to start and then maintain conversations to the point that i now feel like crying as i feel left out, dumb and socially isolated.
My mind is actually BLANK and i have no clue what to say to people.

It makes me incredibly sad nowadays as i have realised the bad extent of this issue. I just went on a tour trip from uni which should have been fun, but cause i'm an idiot, i didn't even have social interactions. People don't come interact with me either and i realised it's because i probably give off very reserved vibes. It makes me hate myself so much.

My friends would just go talk and sit with other people etc and i have no clue how to do the same. I also don't know how to join in someone else's convo, so instead of it being super fun, i was actually quite sad throughout but wont tell anyone this as i don't want to be the morbid one.

What can i do and what ort of therapy/approaches will help me best?
I hate myself so so much and do want to cry as i don't understand why i'm so bad and i just want to be able to approach people. talk and make friends
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hyacinth77
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#2
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#2
(Original post by Mystical_psychic)
I am and have always been a very shy, introverted person, but coming to uni has made me realise just how much i SUCK at social interactions.
I have no clue how to start and then maintain conversations to the point that i now feel like crying as i feel left out, dumb and socially isolated.
My mind is actually BLANK and i have no clue what to say to people.

It makes me incredibly sad nowadays as i have realised the bad extent of this issue. I just went on a tour trip from uni which should have been fun, but cause i'm an idiot, i didn't even have social interactions. People don't come interact with me either and i realised it's because i probably give off very reserved vibes. It makes me hate myself so much.

My friends would just go talk and sit with other people etc and i have no clue how to do the same. I also don't know how to join in someone else's convo, so instead of it being super fun, i was actually quite sad throughout but wont tell anyone this as i don't want to be the morbid one.

What can i do and what ort of therapy/approaches will help me best?
I hate myself so so much and do want to cry as i don't understand why i'm so bad and i just want to be able to approach people. talk and make friends
Unfortunately I'm in a very similar situation to you. I honestly feel very stuck and I fear that I'll be like this for the rest of my life.

Volunteering helped me come out of my shell a bit. I used to volunteer for a charity in one of their shops a few years back, and I'd recommend it because it did help me a bit with my social skills. I still can't hold a conversation to save my life though.

It's hard not to beat yourself up about it but please try to be kinder to yourself. Self-hatred can be an awful thing that can make you just want to avoid going out/interacting with the world at all. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being reserved but if you display certain body language (headphones in, feet turned inwards, looking at the floor etc) then it can easily give off the wrong message.

I hope this helps even just a bit. I wish I could give better advice but that's all I have at the moment.

Wishing you all the best
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slowly_dying
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#3
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#3
same, its probably over for us tbh
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neal95
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#4
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#4
You just have to put yourself out there and get out of your comfort Zone. It’s okay to feel scared sometimes but the situation is usually never as bad as we build it up to be
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Anonymous #1
#5
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#5
(Original post by Mystical_psychic)
I am and have always been a very shy, introverted person, but coming to uni has made me realise just how much i SUCK at social interactions.
I have no clue how to start and then maintain conversations to the point that i now feel like crying as i feel left out, dumb and socially isolated.
My mind is actually BLANK and i have no clue what to say to people.

It makes me incredibly sad nowadays as i have realised the bad extent of this issue. I just went on a tour trip from uni which should have been fun, but cause i'm an idiot, i didn't even have social interactions. People don't come interact with me either and i realised it's because i probably give off very reserved vibes. It makes me hate myself so much.

My friends would just go talk and sit with other people etc and i have no clue how to do the same. I also don't know how to join in someone else's convo, so instead of it being super fun, i was actually quite sad throughout but wont tell anyone this as i don't want to be the morbid one.

What can i do and what ort of therapy/approaches will help me best?
I hate myself so so much and do want to cry as i don't understand why i'm so bad and i just want to be able to approach people. talk and make friends
I get you and I’ve felt the same over the past few years. I’ve recently started working for an agency and it’s all people around my age. I never work with the same person but I’ve made sure I say hello to everyone when they come in. Start simple, just say hi. When you feel comfortable enough ask another question like how are you today? Or have you been here before? Usually you will get a response and then have something to respond to. Even if you then start talking about yourself and experiences. SOMETIMES you will get someone who doesn’t really engage back which I recently found, I met somebody who had NO PERSONALITY haha. Not a bad one, just none. You might speak to someone and get nothing back but that’s okay. You might even find that you’ve started speaking to someone who is really chatty and will carry the conversation for you.

Overall, I’d say just start with small talk. It shows you’re open and friendly. People use to say I had a ***** face and didn't look friendly until they got speaking to me and found out I really am! You have friends which is good. I have none, but going to work recently and engaging with people had made me feel good. Take one step at a time, we aren’t all the same.

Next time you’re in a room with somebody I want you to simply smile. If you can, say hi too. If it’s a group situation, grab a chair and say “I’ll come and sit with you” people are more open that you think.


Smile don’t cry.
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Max1989
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#6
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#6
You are putting to much pressure on yourself, set yourself small goals like going up to someone and saying hi, having one sentence, a few sentences, joining in on a group conversation, and so on, each time just try and accomplish one small thing, that's your success don't base it off not having a full conversation. Over time you build up the confidence and start to learn, everyone has to start from somewhere. You have to remember conversations require effort they don't naturally happen.

Then I'd probably get counseling to go through why you feel you hate yourself and try and rationalize your thoughts and guide you in being kinder to yourself as someone who's identity is self hatred it isn't a good mindset but with time you can get out of it, I'm just on a long road to that. You just need to accept it isn't easy for you but that doesn't mean you cannot try, yes people may seem to do it easily but you don't and that's okay, you just need to practice until you are happy with yourself, only put in the energy you are willing to put into it but always strive for progress and stay optimistic (which is hard)
Last edited by Max1989; 1 month ago
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Mystical_psychic
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#7
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#7
(Original post by hyacinth77)
Unfortunately I'm in a very similar situation to you. I honestly feel very stuck and I fear that I'll be like this for the rest of my life.

Volunteering helped me come out of my shell a bit. I used to volunteer for a charity in one of their shops a few years back, and I'd recommend it because it did help me a bit with my social skills. I still can't hold a conversation to save my life though.

It's hard not to beat yourself up about it but please try to be kinder to yourself. Self-hatred can be an awful thing that can make you just want to avoid going out/interacting with the world at all. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being reserved but if you display certain body language (headphones in, feet turned inwards, looking at the floor etc) then it can easily give off the wrong message.

I hope this helps even just a bit. I wish I could give better advice but that's all I have at the moment.

Wishing you all the best
sorry you're in the same boat it's honestly horrible since humans r social beings, it is actually some sort of deprivation to be like us. kinda sucks.

I will try volunteer, thank you! Guess that does force you to make small talk but may not make you all of a sudden sociable but it's a start. I try be nicer about it but honestly i feel so sad over it nowadays but before i didn't. I just know and see how much i miss out on now an it's the worst feeling cause no one can solve the problem for you.

Thanks for the help though i hope you manage to evoke your social butterfly someday too!
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Mystical_psychic
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#8
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#8
(Original post by neal95)
You just have to put yourself out there and get out of your comfort Zone. It’s okay to feel scared sometimes but the situation is usually never as bad as we build it up to be
It's easier said than done unfortunately :/
When you're as bad as me, you feel like you are trying but the effort seems lame to anyone else. I have no clue how to even 'put myself out there' as that requires social skill, which is exactly what i entirely lack. I think people in the same situation will understand what i'm saying, but otherwise i see why it's hard to empathise with.
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Mystical_psychic
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
I get you and I’ve felt the same over the past few years. I’ve recently started working for an agency and it’s all people around my age. I never work with the same person but I’ve made sure I say hello to everyone when they come in. Start simple, just say hi. When you feel comfortable enough ask another question like how are you today? Or have you been here before? Usually you will get a response and then have something to respond to. Even if you then start talking about yourself and experiences. SOMETIMES you will get someone who doesn’t really engage back which I recently found, I met somebody who had NO PERSONALITY haha. Not a bad one, just none. You might speak to someone and get nothing back but that’s okay. You might even find that you’ve started speaking to someone who is really chatty and will carry the conversation for you.

Overall, I’d say just start with small talk. It shows you’re open and friendly. People use to say I had a ***** face and didn't look friendly until they got speaking to me and found out I really am! You have friends which is good. I have none, but going to work recently and engaging with people had made me feel good. Take one step at a time, we aren’t all the same.

Next time you’re in a room with somebody I want you to simply smile. If you can, say hi too. If it’s a group situation, grab a chair and say “I’ll come and sit with you” people are more open that you think.


Smile don’t cry.
Yeh i do try make small talk, and i actually am a smiley person. I smile at people all the time and do acknowledge and say hi, yet no one seems to blossom a convo with me which makes me hate myself as i always see everyone else chatting and being sociable, but for some reason i'm never a part of it.
I can make small talk sometimes, then don't know how to carry it on so they end up going to someone else. For example, i tried engaging in a convo with some people in my tour group, so i said hey what did u get up to today, to which they answered ofc, then thats it. Idk how to carry on and it makes me feel like something is very wrong. it's a horrible feeling to live with as you do feel isolated and stupid.
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ran-dumb
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Mystical_psychic)
I am and have always been a very shy, introverted person, but coming to uni has made me realise just how much i SUCK at social interactions.
I have no clue how to start and then maintain conversations to the point that i now feel like crying as i feel left out, dumb and socially isolated.
My mind is actually BLANK and i have no clue what to say to people.

It makes me incredibly sad nowadays as i have realised the bad extent of this issue. I just went on a tour trip from uni which should have been fun, but cause i'm an idiot, i didn't even have social interactions. People don't come interact with me either and i realised it's because i probably give off very reserved vibes. It makes me hate myself so much.

My friends would just go talk and sit with other people etc and i have no clue how to do the same. I also don't know how to join in someone else's convo, so instead of it being super fun, i was actually quite sad throughout but wont tell anyone this as i don't want to be the morbid one.

What can i do and what ort of therapy/approaches will help me best?
I hate myself so so much and do want to cry as i don't understand why i'm so bad and i just want to be able to approach people. talk and make friends
I think its all down to practice, if you're not good at interacting it's because you didn't have the right environment to practice those skills, its nothing to do with you. So definitely try to create opportunities to do that, volunteering is a good option and just anything that gives you a good opening to talk to people. If you have trouble figuring out anything to say at all, maybe take examples from other people, see what sorts of things they say. Although I think you'll find they're not some magic one liners you need to learn, but just general stuff you have in the back of your mind as well. A therapist could help with getting past that initial hurdle, or just help you with conversation topics so you don't have to ask a friend directly.
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Mystical_psychic
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Max1989)
You are putting to much pressure on yourself, set yourself small goals like going up to someone and saying hi, having one sentence, a few sentences, joining in on a group conversation, and so on, each time just try and accomplish one small thing, that's your success don't base it off not having a full conversation. Over time you build up the confidence and start to learn, everyone has to start from somewhere. You have to remember conversations require effort they don't naturally happen.

Then I'd probably get counseling to go through why you feel you hate yourself and try and rationalize your thoughts and guide you in being kinder to yourself as someone who's identity is self hatred it isn't a good mindset but with time you can get out of it, I'm just on a long road to that. You just need to accept it isn't easy for you but that doesn't mean you cannot try, yes people may seem to do it easily but you don't and that's okay, you just need to practice until you are happy with yourself, only put in the energy you are willing to put into it but always strive for progress and stay optimistic (which is hard)
I have no idea how to join in someone's convo so end up being left out EVERY time. I know it's stupid but i can't explain it, my mind remains blank and i end up feeling isolated. I can say hi etc but then a convo never forms. I obviously don't give off very confident vibes as no one appraoches me to try talk either which makes me feel worse.
I feel like i need some sort of major therapy or counselling but don't have money to fund it which doesn't help. I'm not sure what kind of therapy i should look into though.
Also, what makes me even sadder is that i feel socially awkward and unable to converse even with people i have known for years. I feel embarrassed because of this and it makes me feel like a bad friend.
I have known my best friend for over 7 years and still feel awkward and don't know what to talk about with her, so i am actually hopeless.
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Mystical_psychic
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#12
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#12
(Original post by ran-dumb)
I think its all down to practice, if you're not good at interacting it's because you didn't have the right environment to practice those skills, its nothing to do with you. So definitely try to create opportunities to do that, volunteering is a good option and just anything that gives you a good opening to talk to people. If you have trouble figuring out anything to say at all, maybe take examples from other people, see what sorts of things they say. Although I think you'll find they're not some magic one liners you need to learn, but just general stuff you have in the back of your mind as well. A therapist could help with getting past that initial hurdle, or just help you with conversation topics so you don't have to ask a friend directly.
yeh i have realised that i need to just speak my mind, but most the times my mind is blank as im very socially awkward, and other times i am actually scared to speak. I see this is actually a problem and irrational too as i know people always say random things and sometimes someone says what i wanted to say but was too scared and embarrassed to say. Idk how to get over this.
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Max1989
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#13
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#13
(Original post by Mystical_psychic)
I have no idea how to join in someone's convo so end up being left out EVERY time. I know it's stupid but i can't explain it, my mind remains blank and i end up feeling isolated. I can say hi etc but then a convo never forms. I obviously don't give off very confident vibes as no one appraoches me to try talk either which makes me feel worse.
I feel like i need some sort of major therapy or counselling but don't have money to fund it which doesn't help. I'm not sure what kind of therapy i should look into though.
Also, what makes me even sadder is that i feel socially awkward and unable to converse even with people i have known for years. I feel embarrassed because of this and it makes me feel like a bad friend.
I have known my best friend for over 7 years and still feel awkward and don't know what to talk about with her, so i am actually hopeless.
Well saying hi is a start!

Yeah just need to work on yourself more, there is free counseling services around teh UK, the ones that come to mind are teh NHS and the charity Mind, obviously these have waiting lists associated with them but are free, have you tried any self help things or meditation? Just google self help therapies or something along those lines, the yare based around accepting the way you are thinking and trying to turn the negativity that you are obviously experiencing into a more helpful light, these are free as you do them yourself. Different things work for different people so just try different therapies and see what happens but just because one thing doesn't work doesn't mean something else won't, for instance CBT is completely useless for me however talking therapy and mediation has helped, but there's hundreds of things out there you can try.

Have you talked to your friend about how you feel? It's nothing to be embarrassed about, but the more you reach out teh better it will be and you'll actually find the majority of people want to help you. But you aren't a bad friend, simply a distant one.

I truly do know how it feels to have this defeatist attitude and feeling like you are a failure and hopeless but you aren't, life can and will get better you just need help to guide you down a better path and help you out of the hole that it feels impossible to climb out of. There is no problem with you never think that, there's simply a problem with hwo you think and that can be sculpted and changed.
Last edited by Max1989; 1 month ago
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Mystical_psychic
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Max1989)
Well saying hi is a start!

Yeah just need to work on yourself more, there is free counseling services around teh UK, the ones that come to mind are teh NHS and the charity Mind, obviously these have waiting lists associated with them but are free, have you tried any self help things or meditation? Just google self help therapies or something along those lines, the yare based around accepting the way you are thinking and trying to turn the negativity that you are obviously experiencing into a more helpful light, these are free as you do them yourself. Different things work for different people so just try different therapies and see what happens but just because one thing doesn't work doesn't mean something else won't, for instance CBT is completely useless for me however talking therapy and mediation has helped, but there's hundreds of things out there you can try.

Have you talked to your friend about how you feel? It's nothing to be embarrassed about, but the more you reach out teh better it will be and you'll actually find the majority of people want to help you. But you aren't a bad friend, simply a distant one.

I truly do know how it feels to have this defeatist attitude and feeling like you are a failure and hopeless but you aren't, life can and will get better you just need help to guide you down a better path and help you out of the hole that it feels impossible to climb out of. There is no problem with you never think that, there's simply a problem with hwo you think and that can be sculpted and changed.
thanks i will try look for something useful to help me.
No i haven't told her i feel like that because i feel embarrassed and don't want to say anything really.
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Anonymous #1
#15
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#15
(Original post by Mystical_psychic)
Yeh i do try make small talk, and i actually am a smiley person. I smile at people all the time and do acknowledge and say hi, yet no one seems to blossom a convo with me which makes me hate myself as i always see everyone else chatting and being sociable, but for some reason i'm never a part of it.
I can make small talk sometimes, then don't know how to carry it on so they end up going to someone else. For example, i tried engaging in a convo with some people in my tour group, so i said hey what did u get up to today, to which they answered ofc, then thats it. Idk how to carry on and it makes me feel like something is very wrong. it's a horrible feeling to live with as you do feel isolated and stupid.
I mean, if you’re looking for people to talk to I don’t mind you talking to me. I’m 22 and female. Let me know if you want to chat and I’ll send my snap
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