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My (Male) Best friend (Female) dillema, feeling quite ****. Watch

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    Basically, I've been close to this girl for about 2 years now, we're pretty much best mates really.
    I went down to visit her at uni this weekend and I'm honestly so happy that shes enjoying herself down there, her flatmates are great, shes loving it. We had some time together which I always love.

    But sadly for a long long time now, I've had feelings for her, I've basically fallen in love with her. Now I know you might say "arrr you'll be fine, just a crush" etc etc but this is totally different. I'm a really cheery guy and I've felt pretty **** about things in the past including last night when I got back from Leeds.

    Basically we had a few nights out, and its clear that shes settling in well. We got drunk and I wandered off to meet a few other mates who are also studying in Leeds. When I returned I found her and her best mate/inseperable flat mate with two guys and they were dancing/kissing etc.
    So I just walked out of the club and went for a smoke and waiting for my mate (Who was staying in Leeds with me) to come out.

    Now I'm not complaining that she found a guy and stuff, shes perfectly entitled to do so, I'm down for the weekend and this is her life.
    What I dont like however, is how completley and utterly **** I felt outside that nightclub. It was the worst feeling ever and it happens quite alot.

    But I cant just never see her again and get over her that way. Like I said shes pretty much my closest mate, we have an unreal time together, but I just wish I could look her in the eyes and not feel so gutted everytime. Plus she doesnt deserve it, she shouldnt have to keep dealing with me going off in huffs everytime she goes off with a bloke. Shes said that I'm more important to her than them (debatable) She just wants me how she likes me, there for her as someone she can trust and have a good time with. I really need to get a grip of this situation.
    My friends say to find a girlfriend or something but I always look at a girl a spend a night with a girl and keep thinking about her. I'm in such a dyer situation here.

    I dont even know what to do! I should not be feeling like this. I think I just need to get it out in the open so thats what I've done. Cheers for reading if anyone does.
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    She's got a right to a boyfriend you selfish turd. You haven't even told her how you feel and you expect her not to jump in to bed with anyone else?

    Men.
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    (Original post by vidachick)
    She's got a right to a boyfriend you selfish turd. You haven't even told her how you feel and you expect her not to jump in to bed with anyone else?

    Men.
    If you read it, I state

    "Now I'm not complaining that she found a guy and stuff, shes perfectly entitled to do so, I'm down for the weekend and this is her life."

    I never said I want her to stop going out for men in nightclubs. This is more focused on the way I feel about the whole situation.

    Plus, I cant tell her, its happened before and the friendship goes down the **** pan. I'd rather have her as a close mate than not at all. But I want to stop the ****** feelings. Thats what I'm talking about here.
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    I'll be straight up with you. Your behaviour is synonymous with that of a doormat (don't take offence, none meant, but it's true). From her POV, you're convenient. If she liked you more than those guys she dates, she'd be dating you - to be honest, no two ways about it. Her saying that just reflects how convenient you are - the fun guy to invite to parties, shoulder to cry on when things go tits up, etc.

    Your impression that you need her is also flawed. 99% of relationships like yours will end when she eventually finds a long term partner and he's not comfortable with you being so close (you're male, therefore a threat) and she no longer needs you anymore. At that point, you will be 10x as miserable as you are now.

    You don't need the friendship. It's easy to find another girl to happily use you as a convenient male friend. She's not stupid, she most likely knows you like her, and that's why it's so convenient. Someone who's infatuated with you and will keep coming back no matter how many times you upset them by dating someone of the opposite sex in front of them, or how many times you act funny and ignore them for a bit - everyone would like an unconditional friend like that. If you like being where you are, there's plenty of girls looking for guys like you to massage their egos unconditionally - don't be fooled into thinking this 'friendship' is special. It sounds one-sided to me, to be honest.

    Anyways, your life, your choices. I've seen hundreds (ok, maybe just 10) of guys like you in EXACTLY the same position. Moaning about how they're not sure what to do, how they feel bad when she kisses a guy in front of them. It invariably ends in the same way. She eventually finds someone more permanent and no longer needs them. The guys always lose out. Once you realise the friendship isn't permanent and isn't as sweet and rosy as you think it is, you realise that if you like her the way you say you do, you should tell her and ask her what she thinks. She'll either go out with you, or things will end. At least there's no pretence and you don't have to wait till you help her find a long term boyfriend before she forgets about you.

    My 2 cents.
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    (Original post by Do Chickens Fly)
    I'll be straight up with you. Your behaviour is synonymous with that of a doormat (don't take offence, none meant, but it's true). From her POV, you're convenient. If she liked you more than those guys she dates, she'd be dating you - to be honest, no two ways about it. Her saying that just reflects how convenient you are - the fun guy to invite to parties, shoulder to cry on when things go tits up, etc.

    Your impression that you need her is also flawed. 99% of relationships like yours will end when she eventually finds a long term partner and he's not comfortable with you being so close (you're male, therefore a threat) and she no longer needs you anymore. At that point, you will be 10x as miserable as you are now.

    You don't need the friendship. It's easy to find another girl to happily use you as a convenient male friend. She's not stupid, she most likely knows you like her, and that's why it's so convenient. Someone who's infatuated with you and will keep coming back no matter how many times you upset them by dating someone of the opposite sex in front of them, or how many times you act funny and ignore them for a bit - everyone would like an unconditional friend like that. If you like being where you are, there's plenty of girls looking for guys like you to massage their egos unconditionally - don't be fooled into thinking this 'friendship' is special. It sounds one-sided to me, to be honest.

    Anyways, your life, your choices. I've seen hundreds (ok, maybe just 10) of guys like you in EXACTLY the same position. Moaning about how they're not sure what to do, how they feel bad when she kisses a guy in front of them. It invariably ends in the same way. She eventually finds someone more permanent and no longer needs them. The guys always lose out. Once you realise the friendship isn't permanent and isn't as sweet and rosy as you think it is, you realise that if you like her the way you say you do, you should tell her and ask her what she thinks. She'll either go out with you, or things will end. At least there's no pretence and you don't have to wait till you help her find a long term boyfriend before she forgets about you.

    My 2 cents.
    Cheers mate, some good, thoughtful, honest, throrough advice.
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    #1

    i'm in the position of your friend. well, even deeper. so i can give a little insight.
    i disagree with "do chickens fly", the guy will not always lose out. he has been my best friend for the longest time, i have brushed off dates because i'd rather just chill with him and avoided boyfriends because i know it can hurt him. maybe we are a slightly unusual case, but he definitely feels the same way as you. he gets jealous, angry & defensive if another guy gets near me and he had a crush on me in the past, he says occasonally he still feels like that these days too. it really just takes time. two years and the feelings are rarely there now.
    i don't really know what advice to give you. but your feelings are completely understandable. have you told her? does she know how you feel about her or her with other guys? maybe getting things out in the open will help, because it definitely eased a lot of tension that was building between me and my best firned.

    really hope it works out okay x
 
 
 
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