Can't Get Over A Girl

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Doomotron
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#1
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#1
In year 10, I had a crush on a girl and I decided to ask her out. She said no, twice. This was obviously a crush to my self-confidence. In my head I moved on. I said to myself that she didn't like me and never will. This is still the logical opinion I hold. However, emotionally I never really got over her. As cliché as it may be I still get butterflies in my stomach when I'm around her, and I still have a crush on her I guess. Now we've left school I'll probably not see her for a long time, if at all. It's crazy that I still like her, but it's almost like I can't not like her. It's been over four years now - how could I possibly get over my actual girlfriend faster than a crush that didn't lead anywhere?

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if the girl would be a good fit for me. She's nice and caring, and I like how she looks, but I don't know if our personalities mesh as well as I hope they would. I don't like her friends that much. Yet it doesn't help. She has appeared in many of my dreams. One was a fun dream if you know what I mean; in another I told her I loved her; and in a recent one (and one that my counsellor and I really struggled to understand) she announced she had a terminal illness, giving her just three months to live. The latter dream had multiple potential meanings from what we researched, including marriage, fortune for myself, and change in friendships. She is stuck in my head and it's really annoying - any advice?
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Anonymous #1
#2
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#2
Been through it, it’s been 4 years for me too. We don’t speak but yeah it’s just something that will be there. Live your life for now if she turns up she turns up, we have time brother
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Doomotron
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#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Been through it, it’s been 4 years for me too. We don’t speak but yeah it’s just something that will be there. Live your life for now if she turns up she turns up, we have time brother
Thanks for the reply. Is there anything you've tried to get over them? Did they work?
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Zarek
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#4
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This sort of thing is in hindsight wasteful and destructive. The key is to redirect the angst in to looking for someone who is up for it and who treats you well so you have a rewarding relationship
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Doomotron
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#5
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#5
(Original post by Zarek)
This sort of thing is in hindsight wasteful and destructive. The key is to redirect the angst in to looking for someone who is up for it and who treats you well so you have a rewarding relationship
I've never been successful with women. When I said that I got over my last girlfriend faster, I didn't point out she was my only girlfriend. I've tried everything in my current position in life and nobody's interested. If I did meet someone that would help the problem but there are absolutely no guarantees I'll meet someone, even on the other side of turning 20 (I am 18 at the moment).
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Zarek
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(Original post by Doomotron)
I've never been successful with women. When I said that I got over my last girlfriend faster, I didn't point out she was my only girlfriend. I've tried everything in my current position in life and nobody's interested. If I did meet someone that would help the problem but there are absolutely no guarantees I'll meet someone, even on the other side of turning 20 (I am 18 at the moment).
I do agree that it is easier for people that have opportunity falling at their feet. However this is not the norm, most people have to work hard to find a decent partner and become resilient to rejection along the way. Just keep at it and new and better love comes. Also at 18 you have plenty of time
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Doomotron
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#7
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(Original post by Zarek)
I do agree that it is easier for people that have opportunity falling at their feet. However this is not the norm, most people have to work hard to find a decent partner and become resilient to rejection along the way. Just keep at it and new and better love comes. Also at 18 you have plenty of time
I guess... I just don't know how I'd go about it. I'm in a weird position where people say I'm 'cute' (not good looking, but cute) and say I'm fun to be around, but as soon as there's a mention of a relationship it's an instantaneous 'no, not ever'. Even my first girlfriend didn't think I was attractive and was only with me for my personality, which didn't last.
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Muttly
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#8
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The trick is to immerse yourself in life, absolutely and to not even think about 'girlfriend material'

It is really strange - sometimes when you get the 'in love' butterflies, and you are excited, your head is in love, you are giddy, excited and can think of nothing else. Your gf hopefully feels the same way. Then after a few weeks, when she has seen your dirty habits, come down to earth with your smelly feet, your idiosyncratic ways, your messiness, etc etc the excitement starts to wane. You might resent her demands, her friends, the requests for you not to see your own friends so much etc etc and you don't see her in the same goddess state. The penny has tarnished. If after warts and quite a few weeks you still love the very bones of each other you merge into a comfortable relationship for the longer term. If you don't feel this or indeed anything get out of that relationship. It needs two people both feeling the same, and on the same wave length to achieve a long term relationship. You might have many many liaisons and gf contacts. At 1 or 2 you are not even starting out on the find the partner game, try 30 to 50 and somewhere along the line you might find someone who returns your admirations.

You are particularly smitten with your first love because that loved up feeling is etched into your young and impressionable brain memory. You remember the good and not the bad side of events and the relationship.

A more intense longer term love is to fall in love from being just 'good friends' You both might have such a deep underlying admiration of someone. You love them physically, you love their brain, their thoughts, outlook and approach to life. Then you find out they feel the same way too. Wow. Fireworks. Same brain wave lengths and similar outlook. Winner.

So don't actively look for a gf, that comes across as needy and desperate. Create situations where you let yourself be seen by others, other females but doing the things you love and then sometimes it is just chance that we meet someone. Out there is your soul mate, you just haven't met them yet and when you do it will be effortless and you will no longer think so much about your first love.
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Doomotron
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Muttly)
The trick is to immerse yourself in life, absolutely and to not even think about 'girlfriend material'

It is really strange - sometimes when you get the 'in love' butterflies, and you are excited, your head is in love, you are giddy, excited and can think of nothing else. Your gf hopefully feels the same way. Then after a few weeks, when she has seen your dirty habits, come down to earth with your smelly feet, your idiosyncratic ways, your messiness, etc etc the excitement starts to wane. You might resent her demands, her friends, the requests for you not to see your own friends so much etc etc and you don't see her in the same goddess state. The penny has tarnished. If after warts and quite a few weeks you still love the very bones of each other you merge into a comfortable relationship for the longer term. If you don't feel this or indeed anything get out of that relationship. It needs two people both feeling the same, and on the same wave length to achieve a long term relationship. You might have many many liaisons and gf contacts. At 1 or 2 you are not even starting out on the find the partner game, try 30 to 50 and somewhere along the line you might find someone who returns your admirations.

You are particularly smitten with your first love because that loved up feeling is etched into your young and impressionable brain memory. You remember the good and not the bad side of events and the relationship.

A more intense longer term love is to fall in love from being just 'good friends' You both might have such a deep underlying admiration of someone. You love them physically, you love their brain, their thoughts, outlook and approach to life. Then you find out they feel the same way too. Wow. Fireworks. Same brain wave lengths and similar outlook. Winner.

So don't actively look for a gf, that comes across as needy and desperate. Create situations where you let yourself be seen by others, other females but doing the things you love and then sometimes it is just chance that we meet someone. Out there is your soul mate, you just haven't met them yet and when you do it will be effortless and you will no longer think so much about your first love.
She wasn't actually my girlfriend though. She was a crush who rejected me when I asked her out. I just could never get over her, which is why I'm asking for help.
Last edited by Doomotron; 1 month ago
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Muttly
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#10
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#10
The response is just the same even if it was a crush that rejected you. You are grieving for the loss of something that might have been (and now never will be)

A crush is like a virus getting under your skin. You can't think of anything else. But you have to. This could have been a real life relationship but wasn't.

Is it the rejection that hurts & is it that which gets to you?
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Anonymous #2
#11
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#11
i think this is actually a bit common, or more common than you think and it happens to girls too lol

I think you might be looking at ur crush through a rose-tinted glass, I dont think you can say your in love with her because if you haven't seen her for a few years then I think this is just an infatuation, you see her sort of like shes the perfect person for you, ignoring her flaws and so you cant stop thinking of the version you created of her in your head, not in a rude way, a lot of people do this,

now you must have really liked her when you were younger but if you haven't seen her in so long and dont talk to her now, how do you know you actually like her?

maybe you actually just like the feeling she gave you and maybe you miss that, you said she gives you butterflies, so maybe you are missing that and not actually her,

keep yourself busy without her, make sure you are doing things or else your mind will wander and think of her, I'm trying not to take such a psychological approach to this but maybe you conditioned your memories of her to be associated with feeling happy or when you are bored thinking of her think of her, so you need to break this cycle

It sounds like you like how she looks but it also sounds like you have quite a "surface-level" relationship as you said your personalities dont really mesh, if you wanna take another route you could just try and humanize her by noticing the things you dont like about her so you can reach a point where you can identify why you two arent together and remind yourself of these when you start thinking of her,

id say keep busy, spend time with friends, meet lots of new people and maybe expose yourself to new experiences e.g. talk to some other girls if you feel like it, i think its easier to see it as just conditioned feelings than this girl, you just liked how she made you feel and you miss that and maybe you didn't miss your girlfriend that much because if you two broke up there is probably some sour memories and this is maybe why you forgot about her because you saw the bad things in those memories??

also, butterflies never last in relationships, they make you feel excited but they dont last when you are actually in the relationship, so dating her wont make you feel like that everyday

i hope this helps, im no expert but i know this is sooooo annoying but its not uncommon!!
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Doomotron
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#12
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#12
(Original post by Muttly)
The response is just the same even if it was a crush that rejected you. You are grieving for the loss of something that might have been (and now never will be)

A crush is like a virus getting under your skin. You can't think of anything else. But you have to. This could have been a real life relationship but wasn't.

Is it the rejection that hurts & is it that which gets to you?
I think I got over the rejection a long time ago. I just think it's the 'what could have been' that is the problem. I might have said this before but it feels like I'm chasing something I can never get.
(Original post by Anonymous)
i think this is actually a bit common, or more common than you think and it happens to girls too lol

I think you might be looking at ur crush through a rose-tinted glass, I dont think you can say your in love with her because if you haven't seen her for a few years then I think this is just an infatuation, you see her sort of like shes the perfect person for you, ignoring her flaws and so you cant stop thinking of the version you created of her in your head, not in a rude way, a lot of people do this,

now you must have really liked her when you were younger but if you haven't seen her in so long and dont talk to her now, how do you know you actually like her?

maybe you actually just like the feeling she gave you and maybe you miss that, you said she gives you butterflies, so maybe you are missing that and not actually her,

keep yourself busy without her, make sure you are doing things or else your mind will wander and think of her, I'm trying not to take such a psychological approach to this but maybe you conditioned your memories of her to be associated with feeling happy or when you are bored thinking of her think of her, so you need to break this cycle

It sounds like you like how she looks but it also sounds like you have quite a "surface-level" relationship as you said your personalities dont really mesh, if you wanna take another route you could just try and humanize her by noticing the things you dont like about her so you can reach a point where you can identify why you two arent together and remind yourself of these when you start thinking of her,

id say keep busy, spend time with friends, meet lots of new people and maybe expose yourself to new experiences e.g. talk to some other girls if you feel like it, i think its easier to see it as just conditioned feelings than this girl, you just liked how she made you feel and you miss that and maybe you didn't miss your girlfriend that much because if you two broke up there is probably some sour memories and this is maybe why you forgot about her because you saw the bad things in those memories??

also, butterflies never last in relationships, they make you feel excited but they dont last when you are actually in the relationship, so dating her wont make you feel like that everyday

i hope this helps, im no expert but i know this is sooooo annoying but its not uncommon!!
It's not like she's disappeared from my life. We finished school together only last month, and we still text each other often. There are things I don't like about her - she's quite changeable; sometimes she'd be chatting to me in class and as soon as her friends would come in she'd leave me and go to them. That was the most annoying one. Unfortunately I only really have one friend who has very little spare time and he has many more friends than I do, so it's pretty much once a week I can see him. For reasons I mentioned before I don't speak to girls because I'm just not someone girls like for a variety of reasons, so I definitely can't try to talk to new girls. I'm pretty stuck in that way - I need to distract myself but all I can really do is me-time which makes me think about it more.

As for my first/only girlfriend, I left her because I didn't feel she was interested, and it felt like it was a one-sided relationship. We didn't really get along, and she didn't even like how I looked. For context, I thought she had a nice body and dressed very nicely (lots of 1970s inspiration which I liked). The break-up was a good break-up and we stayed friends afterwards, that is until a rumour started by one of her friends said I used her for sex, which wasn't true.
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Anonymous #3
#13
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(Original post by Doomotron)
In year 10, I had a crush on a girl and I decided to ask her out. She said no, twice. This was obviously a crush to my self-confidence. In my head I moved on. I said to myself that she didn't like me and never will. This is still the logical opinion I hold. However, emotionally I never really got over her. As cliché as it may be I still get butterflies in my stomach when I'm around her, and I still have a crush on her I guess. Now we've left school I'll probably not see her for a long time, if at all. It's crazy that I still like her, but it's almost like I can't not like her. It's been over four years now - how could I possibly get over my actual girlfriend faster than a crush that didn't lead anywhere?

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if the girl would be a good fit for me. She's nice and caring, and I like how she looks, but I don't know if our personalities mesh as well as I hope they would. I don't like her friends that much. Yet it doesn't help. She has appeared in many of my dreams. One was a fun dream if you know what I mean; in another I told her I loved her; and in a recent one (and one that my counsellor and I really struggled to understand) she announced she had a terminal illness, giving her just three months to live. The latter dream had multiple potential meanings from what we researched, including marriage, fortune for myself, and change in friendships. She is stuck in my head and it's really annoying - any advice?
Tell us if you ever find a solution. I've been feeling the same way about a girl on-off for the past few years, even though I hardly see her any more and didn't speak to her much even when I did. Maybe getting into a relationship would take my mind off her, although I haven't had so much as a friendship with a girl, so there's no chance of that happening.
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Doomotron
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
Tell us if you ever find a solution. I've been feeling the same way about a girl on-off for the past few years, even though I hardly see her any more and didn't speak to her much even when I did. Maybe getting into a relationship would take my mind off her, although I haven't had so much as a friendship with a girl, so there's no chance of that happening.
What happened with that? Did you just drift apart?
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rosy_posy
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(Original post by Doomotron)
In year 10, I had a crush on a girl and I decided to ask her out. She said no, twice. This was obviously a crush to my self-confidence. In my head I moved on. I said to myself that she didn't like me and never will. This is still the logical opinion I hold. However, emotionally I never really got over her. As cliché as it may be I still get butterflies in my stomach when I'm around her, and I still have a crush on her I guess. Now we've left school I'll probably not see her for a long time, if at all. It's crazy that I still like her, but it's almost like I can't not like her. It's been over four years now - how could I possibly get over my actual girlfriend faster than a crush that didn't lead anywhere?

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if the girl would be a good fit for me. She's nice and caring, and I like how she looks, but I don't know if our personalities mesh as well as I hope they would. I don't like her friends that much. Yet it doesn't help. She has appeared in many of my dreams. One was a fun dream if you know what I mean; in another I told her I loved her; and in a recent one (and one that my counsellor and I really struggled to understand) she announced she had a terminal illness, giving her just three months to live. The latter dream had multiple potential meanings from what we researched, including marriage, fortune for myself, and change in friendships. She is stuck in my head and it's really annoying - any advice?
I get that people can get hung up on someone from their past, but you need to let go. It doesn't matter if you're compatible or not because she said "no" anyway. Dreams don't really mean anything so don't pay them any mind.
How you can move on is to focus your emotions elsewhere. Your happiness needs to be connected to things like hobbies or friends, not a girl who you wish you went out with.
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Doomotron
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#16
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#16
Something I never found out was why she said no in the first place. I can imagine it was down to my social standing (a bit of a nerd who is seen as boring), or how I look (I'm a bit chubby and my face is bulbous) or my personality, but I never asked her and have been left in the dark because of it.
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Callicious
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#17
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#17
If you want to get over a girl, first you'll need consent.
Then, you'll need a ladder.
After that, some leg muscles.
Then? The will and gusto to go through with it. CLIMB THOSE STEPS
Last edited by Callicious; 1 month ago
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Doomotron
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#18
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#18
(Original post by Callicious)
If you want to get over a girl, first you'll constant.
Then, you'll need a ladder.
After that, some leg muscles.
Then? The will and gusto to go through with it. CLIMB THOSE STEPS
If I imagine this as a motivational metaphor it's quite helpful...
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sufys
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#19
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(Original post by Doomotron)
In year 10, I had a crush on a girl and I decided to ask her out. She said no, twice. This was obviously a crush to my self-confidence. In my head I moved on. I said to myself that she didn't like me and never will. This is still the logical opinion I hold. However, emotionally I never really got over her. As cliché as it may be I still get butterflies in my stomach when I'm around her, and I still have a crush on her I guess. Now we've left school I'll probably not see her for a long time, if at all. It's crazy that I still like her, but it's almost like I can't not like her. It's been over four years now - how could I possibly get over my actual girlfriend faster than a crush that didn't lead anywhere?

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if the girl would be a good fit for me. She's nice and caring, and I like how she looks, but I don't know if our personalities mesh as well as I hope they would. I don't like her friends that much. Yet it doesn't help. She has appeared in many of my dreams. One was a fun dream if you know what I mean; in another I told her I loved her; and in a recent one (and one that my counsellor and I really struggled to understand) she announced she had a terminal illness, giving her just three months to live. The latter dream had multiple potential meanings from what we researched, including marriage, fortune for myself, and change in friendships. She is stuck in my head and it's really annoying - any advice?
You should just try to get over it.
She said no, so whether she's a good fit for you is irrelevant.
Also, dreams mean nothing... forget about them.

As for getting over her...
Whenever you think of her, remind yourself of the negative emotions you've experienced after the rejections.
That should probably help.
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Doomotron
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#20
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#20
(Original post by sufys)
You should just try to get over it.
She said no, so whether she's a good fit for you is irrelevant.
Also, dreams mean nothing... forget about them.

As for getting over her...
Whenever you think of her, remind yourself of the negative emotions you've experienced after the rejections.
That should probably help.
Thinking of the bad bits might help... Thank you.
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