I hit my partner, am i a bad person???!!!

Watch this thread
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Hi guys,

I’m very embarrassed to make this post but I don’t have money for therapy and NHS have a long waiting list for the free therapy.

So I’m a young woman of Indian ethnicity. I got married over two years ago.

I currently live with my in laws (due to cultural and financial reasons) which has been driving me insane for the past two years. (We don’t have as much privacy as there is roughly 7/8 people living at home and my in laws are also kind of controlling- I have to tell my mother in law exactly where I am going before i go out or she will get mad at me.

Mine and my husbands room is tiny and I can barely fit any of my stuff in the room and it always looks messy even when i’ve cleaned it because there’s so much stuff. This has been a huge change because at my parents house I had quite a big room very spacious and lots of wardrobe space too etc.

Now to the point- yesterday my husband was going out with his friends and I lashed out because the day before he told me he would spend the day with me and basically promised me he would.

I lashed out and I ended up hitting him and scratching him.

I feel really embarrassed of what I have done and ashamed to admit that I’ve done that to him.

I know why I did it though not that there’s an excuse for physical violence ever. But my mental health has deteriorated in the past two years quite significantly. I don’t feel like myself anymore and I have been lied to and betrayed by my partner it feels like.

Before we got married and I moved into his home my partner promised me that if I ever felt uncomfortable at his house that we can just rent a house together and that he’s totally okay with that as he just wants me happy.

There have been many times I have told him I want to move out and get my own place because living there makes me feel uncomfortable and like I have not even started my life with him. Yet when I mention it he gets angry and moody at me and either ignores me or gets frustrated and tells me i’m a drama queen.

He also hid his finances from me and I only realised after I had married him that he was actually in debt. (he’s practically out of it now but it still hurts that this is something that happened to me.)

I guess I love him despite all this but I feel a lot of resentment towards him too because of what he’s put me- is putting me through.

I’m asking for some words of advice any help as I can’t afford therapy at the moment like I’ve said before.

I regret hitting him and I feel guilt stricken and like i’m the worst person in the world. I’m not sure how I can redeem myself and my relationship with him fully.

Btw we are moving out now in around 6 months time but I want to learn how to cope before we move out because I do really want to make things work with my partner.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#2
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#2
bump
0
reply
londonmyst
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
No, you are not a bad person.
But you need to ensure your temper stays under control and is never allowed to turn physically aggressive again.
It sounds like you are living in a very stressful environment and have developed serious anger management issues that you need to address.

It is very unpleasant that your partner misrepresented his financial position to you before you were married and bluffed you with promises to move out of his parental home if you ever wanted to.
Try to build up some savings so that you will be in the strongest possible position in the event that you want to go on holiday on your own for a few weeks or the marriage hits a very bad patch and you decide to end all contact with your in-laws or seek a divorce.
Good luck!
1
reply
Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#4
(Original post by londonmyst)
No, you are not a bad person.
But you need to ensure your temper stays under control and is never allowed to turn physically aggressive again.
It sounds like you are living in a very stressful environment and have developed serious anger management issues that you need to address.

It is very unpleasant that your partner misrepresented his financial position to you before you were married and bluffed you with promises to move out of his parental home if you ever wanted to.
Try to build up some savings so that you will be in the strongest possible position in the event that you want to go on holiday on your own for a few weeks or the marriage hits a very bad patch and you decide to end all contact with your in-laws or seek a divorce.
Good luck!
Thank you for your kind advice.

You are right about living in a stressful environment although that’s not an excuse for how I behaved.

I guess I will need to find ways to manage my anger and that should be my next step now.
1
reply
Muttly
Badges: 17
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#5
Report 1 month ago
#5
I doubt whether anything will change for you in your relationship or your living circumstances. Your 'half hearted' assault is a sign of frustration and a lack of control but you can take constructive action and seek advice to understand your options. If he has no money and has been dishonest about his means you have few options other than to return to your parents home.
It seems you are being led to believe you cannot change your circumstances - and are strictly controlled by relatives. That said you can change anything if you are determined enough to do so.

Counselling on the NHS may take many months to access. There are a couple of charities which offer help and advice and you might wish to reach out to them and make contact. It might help you feel a sense of 'I'm not alone in this' to know there are many other women struggling to have a reasonable and happy life in less than perfect living conditions. Is there a way you can make contact with the below help & support charities via the Internet? (use their chat room) You can erase the site very quickly if you need to to avoid leaving a footprint.

No one in the UK need stay in an unhappy marriage or put up with a lack of trust, debt and aggravation from relatives in daily life. Please talk about your options with someone in confidence. They will give you unbiased and straight forward advice. Whether you take that advice will be your choice but if you are like this now and do nothing how will you be in say ten years time? If the marriage was a mistake then do what you need to do while you are young enough to change that.

https://karmanirvana.org.uk/


Women's Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#6
(Original post by Muttly)
I doubt whether anything will change for you in your relationship or your living circumstances. Your 'half hearted' assault is a sign of frustration and a lack of control but you can take constructive action and seek advice to understand your options. If he has no money and has been dishonest about his means you have few options other than to return to your parents home.
It seems you are being led to believe you cannot change your circumstances - and are strictly controlled by relatives. That said you can change anything if you are determined enough to do so.

Counselling on the NHS may take many months to access. There are a couple of charities which offer help and advice and you might wish to reach out to them and make contact. It might help you feel a sense of 'I'm not alone in this' to know there are many other women struggling to have a reasonable and happy life in less than perfect living conditions. Is there a way you can make contact with the below help & support charities via the Internet? (use their chat room) You can erase the site very quickly if you need to to avoid leaving a footprint.

No one in the UK need stay in an unhappy marriage or put up with a lack of trust, debt and aggravation from relatives in daily life. Please talk about your options with someone in confidence. They will give you unbiased and straight forward advice. Whether you take that advice will be your choice but if you are like this now and do nothing how will you be in say ten years time? If the marriage was a mistake then do what you need to do while you are young enough to change that.

https://karmanirvana.org.uk/


Women's Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Thank you so much for your response.

I understand where you are coming from completely but my issue is that despite control from my relatives for example my parents I love them very deeply. But I don’t have the option of divorce in their eyes as they would not allow me to move back home for leaving my husband. I guess they would take me back eventually but it would take a year or a few years at least for them to accept me again.

I don’t have a big support network either as I have struggled to maintain friendship relationships in the past and this is what frightens me most about trying to take a step other than trying to fix my relationship with him.

I don’t know what it is as my mind is a mess right now and has been a mess for a long time but I still have feelings for my husband although I also dislike him at the same time.

I guess I am so desperate for things to work out between us despite all the lying and deceiving on his side and me hitting him.

I was always taught that I should make my marriage work and that the woman is the one who makes all the sacrifices.

I’m unhappy inside but I know that I will be happier with space from his parents and relatives but i just don’t know how much longer I can live there.

When I married him I wasn’t expecting a lavish lifestyle although I did used to dream of having things but as the years have gone by all I want is my privacy and space nothing else as nothing else matters to me more than that.

I will take a look at the sites and contact the support lines when they are running again on monday.

Thank you a lot for writing a respectful response to me. I expected everyone to go sick at me and call me a psycho on here but maybe I am normal after all. 🙏🏼
0
reply
Dunnig Kruger
Badges: 16
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#7
Report 1 month ago
#7
The whole lot of you mentioned in the opening post are in the wrong. 3 wrongs don't make a right.

Your mum in law is wrong for being so dominating and so controlling.
If she was a party to your husband's financial deception, she was in the wrong for that too.
If she put pressure on him or you to get married, that's another wrong to add to the list.

Your husband was wrong to get in debt and lie about it. The debt is a very mild wrong. These things happen. But with him living with his mum it was dopey of him to live beyond his means. He's also wrong to not fulfill his offer to be with you yesterday. He's also wrong to live with you in that stupid little room for 2 years. Where's the love in that?
Is he the sort of guy that sees you mainly as a domestic servant and baby factory?
He's wrong to get moody and angry with you when you have disagreements.

You're wrong for using violence.
You're also wrong for marrying him in the first place and for staying married to him. Of the 6 key compatabilities - from what you've said - it appears very much that you are incompatible in:
1 approach to money. Earning it, spending it, investing it
2 how you resolve conflict. He just goes off into a a big stroppy mood.
3 geographically you're shakey. He wants to live with mum. You don't. And in 2 years it hasn't been resolved. The promise of a move in 6 months will probably be broken. There will be some feeble excuse that he'll come up with.

Let's see if we can go for the full set of incompatabilities
4 are you sexually incompatible? Do you rarely or never orgasm with him?
5 do you want a different number of children to him?
6 you may not know this yet, but do you have a fundamentally incompatible approach to how you will raise your children?

A key question that we should all get into the habit of asking ourselves is "What else?".
What else could I be doing now? If it's something better, go ahead and do it.

What else could you be doing now apart from living in the prison cell with the moody drippy husband?
You could, for a start, be living in your own place as an independent adult.
0
reply
londonmyst
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#8
Report 1 month ago
#8
(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
The whole lot of you mentioned in the opening post are in the wrong. 3 wrongs don't make a right.

Your mum in law is wrong for being so dominating and so controlling.
If she was a party to your husband's financial deception, she was in the wrong for that too.
If she put pressure on him or you to get married, that's another wrong to add to the list.

Your husband was wrong to get in debt and lie about it. The debt is a very mild wrong. These things happen. But with him living with his mum it was dopey of him to live beyond his means. He's also wrong to not fulfill his offer to be with you yesterday. He's also wrong to live with you in that stupid little room for 2 years. Where's the love in that?
Is he the sort of guy that sees you mainly as a domestic servant and baby factory?
He's wrong to get moody and angry with you when you have disagreements.

You're wrong for using violence.
You're also wrong for marrying him in the first place and for staying married to him. Of the 6 key compatabilities - from what you've said - it appears very much that you are incompatible in:
1 approach to money. Earning it, spending it, investing it
2 how you resolve conflict. He just goes off into a a big stroppy mood.
3 geographically you're shakey. He wants to live with mum. You don't. And in 2 years it hasn't been resolved. The promise of a move in 6 months will probably be broken. There will be some feeble excuse that he'll come up with.

Let's see if we can go for the full set of incompatabilities
4 are you sexually incompatible? Do you rarely or never orgasm with him?
5 do you want a different number of children to him?
6 you may not know this yet, but do you have a fundamentally incompatible approach to how you will raise your children?

A key question that we should all get into the habit of asking ourselves is "What else?".
What else could I be doing now? If it's something better, go ahead and do it.

What else could you be doing now apart from living in the prison cell with the moody drippy husband?
You could, for a start, be living in your own place as an independent adult.
PRSOM
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#9
(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
The whole lot of you mentioned in the opening post are in the wrong. 3 wrongs don't make a right.

Your mum in law is wrong for being so dominating and so controlling.
If she was a party to your husband's financial deception, she was in the wrong for that too.
If she put pressure on him or you to get married, that's another wrong to add to the list.

Your husband was wrong to get in debt and lie about it. The debt is a very mild wrong. These things happen. But with him living with his mum it was dopey of him to live beyond his means. He's also wrong to not fulfill his offer to be with you yesterday. He's also wrong to live with you in that stupid little room for 2 years. Where's the love in that?
Is he the sort of guy that sees you mainly as a domestic servant and baby factory?
He's wrong to get moody and angry with you when you have disagreements.

You're wrong for using violence.
You're also wrong for marrying him in the first place and for staying married to him. Of the 6 key compatabilities - from what you've said - it appears very much that you are incompatible in:
1 approach to money. Earning it, spending it, investing it
2 how you resolve conflict. He just goes off into a a big stroppy mood.
3 geographically you're shakey. He wants to live with mum. You don't. And in 2 years it hasn't been resolved. The promise of a move in 6 months will probably be broken. There will be some feeble excuse that he'll come up with.

Let's see if we can go for the full set of incompatabilities
4 are you sexually incompatible? Do you rarely or never orgasm with him?
5 do you want a different number of children to him?
6 you may not know this yet, but do you have a fundamentally incompatible approach to how you will raise your children?

A key question that we should all get into the habit of asking ourselves is "What else?".
What else could I be doing now? If it's something better, go ahead and do it.

What else could you be doing now apart from living in the prison cell with the moody drippy husband?
You could, for a start, be living in your own place as an independent adult.
I’m not a domestic servant in the house as in I don’t really do any house chores his mum does them for everyone in the house because she’s always just done them.

Im also not a baby machine because I haven’t had kids with him and not planning to either.

We don’t have sex anymore. We used to but I didn’t like it because of the fact that there was other people in the house and I just felt uncomfortable. I thought something was wrong with me. Then I just realised what it was. I’m not turned on by him anymore because all I see in him is someone that’s hurt me so why should I get physical with someone like that.

My plan at the moment is to give it the 6 months to see if there any change and if not then I’m leaving him for good. I know I might have wasted years with him already but I’m willing to give it another 6 months before I just leave him completely.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest

Do you know what you'll do if you don't get the grades you're hoping for?

Find something else in clearing (8)
32%
Take a gap year (6)
24%
Resit my exams (6)
24%
Look for alternate pathways to the career I want (3)
12%
I don't know yet (1)
4%
Something else (tell us in the thread) (1)
4%

Watched Threads

View All