Does my ex deserve to know the truth?

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
I and my ex broke up about 1 year ago, a terrible breakup. He acted like I didn't exist. I was heartbroken but I accepted the relationship was over.
Something I never got over was that I had gotten pregnant during the relationship - I told him and he was terrified about what his family would say (strict Muslims), he even told me he was scared about the possibility of honour killing but he knew abortion was not an option.
The thought of losing him terrified me so I had an abortion but lied and told him I had miscarried.
I've only ever told a few people and I thought I would move on but I'm so haunted by it all. Especially as he has moved on - finding it out and the way he dumped me brings it all back and I'm so destroyed by it all.
I have an urge to tell him like look what I did for you, to protect you and you just left like it was nothing.

I don't know. I just wonder when I will move on from it all.
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Genesiss
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#2
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#2
you want to move on from the breakup, is that correct? why would telling him make you feel better?
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Anonymous #1
#3
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#3
(Original post by Genesiss)
you want to move on from the breakup, is that correct? why would telling him make you feel better?
I don't know. I just feel the overwhelming urge to tell him what he did to me. It sounds stupid I know but I can't move on from it and I feel like the fact he doesn't know the sacrifice I made makes me feel even worse. I can't move on from the fact that I was backed into a corner and did the only thing I felt to protect him and that he just stabbed me in the back.
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sufys
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#4
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#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I and my ex broke up about 1 year ago, a terrible breakup. He acted like I didn't exist. I was heartbroken but I accepted the relationship was over.
Something I never got over was that I had gotten pregnant during the relationship - I told him and he was terrified about what his family would say (strict Muslims), he even told me he was scared about the possibility of honour killing but he knew abortion was not an option.
The thought of losing him terrified me so I had an abortion but lied and told him I had miscarried.
I've only ever told a few people and I thought I would move on but I'm so haunted by it all. Especially as he has moved on - finding it out and the way he dumped me brings it all back and I'm so destroyed by it all.
I have an urge to tell him like look what I did for you, to protect you and you just left like it was nothing.

I don't know. I just wonder when I will move on from it all.
Don't bother telling him.
The two of you aren't compatible, and that's probably why he broke up. It's not going to make a difference that you did that, and as he is from a strict Muslim family he may be disgusted by the fact that you had an abortion.

You should move on yourself, it's been a year.
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Anonymous #1
#5
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(Original post by sufys)
Don't bother telling him.
The two of you aren't compatible, and that's probably why he broke up. It's not going to make a difference that you did that, and as he is from a strict Muslim family he may be disgusted by the fact that you had an abortion.

You should move on yourself, it's been a year.
okay. thanks.
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
I and my ex broke up about 1 year ago, a terrible breakup. He acted like I didn't exist. I was heartbroken but I accepted the relationship was over.
Something I never got over was that I had gotten pregnant during the relationship - I told him and he was terrified about what his family would say (strict Muslims), he even told me he was scared about the possibility of honour killing but he knew abortion was not an option.
The thought of losing him terrified me so I had an abortion but lied and told him I had miscarried.
I've only ever told a few people and I thought I would move on but I'm so haunted by it all. Especially as he has moved on - finding it out and the way he dumped me brings it all back and I'm so destroyed by it all.
I have an urge to tell him like look what I did for you, to protect you and you just left like it was nothing.

I don't know. I just wonder when I will move on from it all.
Am really sorry that you were in such a hurtful situation, I can see how that would lead to you feeling destroyed by it all

I can understand the impetus to want to hurt someone who had hurt you, or to try and make them understand the damage they've done you - I really do! That said: I think often, though, the reactions one would hope for (from him) in such a situation, are unlikely to be the reality. I'm not convinced he would be sufficiently remorseful to the point that you'd be able to move on - especially given his callous behaviour and him dating and impregnating you, even though it's against his family's beliefs (and possibly his own religious beliefs). He most likely knew it would end badly/with you two not being together forever, and perhaps never had any serious intentions towards being with you in the first place. All in all, he doesn't sound like a thoughtful person, so I'm not sure telling him would elicit a helpful response for him from you, towards you moving on.

I think it's important to give yourself plenty of time and not pressurise yourself into feeling any differently anytime soon. A year, in the grand scheme of a whole lifetime, is not that long - particularly when it involves big decisions like an abortion. I'm not sure how old you are but you will almost certainly have future experiences of love and stable relationships that are going places and will result in happiness. In the meantime, please try and be kind to yourself. It's traumatic and always will be - but time is a healer, albeit a slow one. So just allow yourself to feel and process and grieve the lost relationship (and the lost opportunity to be a mother, if you wanted it at the time/now).

I wish I could say to you "do X and you'll be fine" or "in Y amount of years, you'll feel much better". There are no firm roadmaps for these kind of things. Keep talking to people you can trust, and maybe seek out counselling or therapy so that you have a space to express your true, raw feelings.

Wishing you all the best :hugs:
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#7
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Am really sorry that you were in such a hurtful situation, I can see how that would lead to you feeling destroyed by it all

I can understand the impetus to want to hurt someone who had hurt you, or to try and make them understand the damage they've done you - I really do! That said: I think often, though, the reactions one would hope for (from him) in such a situation, are unlikely to be the reality. I'm not convinced he would be sufficiently remorseful to the point that you'd be able to move on - especially given his callous behaviour and him dating and impregnating you, even though it's against his family's beliefs (and possibly his own religious beliefs). He most likely knew it would end badly/with you two not being together forever, and perhaps never had any serious intentions towards being with you in the first place. All in all, he doesn't sound like a thoughtful person, so I'm not sure telling him would elicit a helpful response for him from you, towards you moving on.

I think it's important to give yourself plenty of time and not pressurise yourself into feeling any differently anytime soon. A year, in the grand scheme of a whole lifetime, is not that long - particularly when it involves big decisions like an abortion. I'm not sure how old you are but you will almost certainly have future experiences of love and stable relationships that are going places and will result in happiness. In the meantime, please try and be kind to yourself. It's traumatic and always will be - but time is a healer, albeit a slow one. So just allow yourself to feel and process and grieve the lost relationship (and the lost opportunity to be a mother, if you wanted it at the time/now).

I wish I could say to you "do X and you'll be fine" or "in Y amount of years, you'll feel much better". There are no firm roadmaps for these kind of things. Keep talking to people you can trust, and maybe seek out counselling or therapy so that you have a space to express your true, raw feelings.

Wishing you all the best :hugs:
Thank you so much. This was honestly so helpful to read. Your kind words mean the world where I have never been able to tell anyone in real life as our friends run in the same circles.
We were together for nearly 10 years from childhood and I realise now that he never saw me as anything serious as he is now married and I'm just nobody to him.
You're right I was looking for an apology, just something that would make what happened feel like it may have been worth it but probably no reaction will be good enough and I'm willing to bet he would even deny having any involvement with me,


Thank you for your kind words
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sufys
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#8
Report 1 month ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
okay. thanks.
No problem. Apologies, my comment appears to be rather inconsiderate. But overall, you should avoid interacting with him.
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Am really sorry that you were in such a hurtful situation, I can see how that would lead to you feeling destroyed by it all

I can understand the impetus to want to hurt someone who had hurt you, or to try and make them understand the damage they've done you - I really do! That said: I think often, though, the reactions one would hope for (from him) in such a situation, are unlikely to be the reality. I'm not convinced he would be sufficiently remorseful to the point that you'd be able to move on - especially given his callous behaviour and him dating and impregnating you, even though it's against his family's beliefs (and possibly his own religious beliefs). He most likely knew it would end badly/with you two not being together forever, and perhaps never had any serious intentions towards being with you in the first place. All in all, he doesn't sound like a thoughtful person, so I'm not sure telling him would elicit a helpful response for him from you, towards you moving on.

I think it's important to give yourself plenty of time and not pressurise yourself into feeling any differently anytime soon. A year, in the grand scheme of a whole lifetime, is not that long - particularly when it involves big decisions like an abortion. I'm not sure how old you are but you will almost certainly have future experiences of love and stable relationships that are going places and will result in happiness. In the meantime, please try and be kind to yourself. It's traumatic and always will be - but time is a healer, albeit a slow one. So just allow yourself to feel and process and grieve the lost relationship (and the lost opportunity to be a mother, if you wanted it at the time/now).

I wish I could say to you "do X and you'll be fine" or "in Y amount of years, you'll feel much better". There are no firm roadmaps for these kind of things. Keep talking to people you can trust, and maybe seek out counselling or therapy so that you have a space to express your true, raw feelings.

Wishing you all the best :hugs:
PRSOM, this.
Last edited by sufys; 1 month ago
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you so much. This was honestly so helpful to read. Your kind words mean the world where I have never been able to tell anyone in real life as our friends run in the same circles.
We were together for nearly 10 years from childhood and I realise now that he never saw me as anything serious as he is now married and I'm just nobody to him.
You're right I was looking for an apology, just something that would make what happened feel like it may have been worth it but probably no reaction will be good enough and I'm willing to bet he would even deny having any involvement with me,


Thank you for your kind words
Oh wow, 10 years is a long time. No wonder you're in pieces I'm glad you felt able to write it out a bit here: keeping things bottled up is SO hard :sadnod: I do think it's best to avoid opening up any cans of worms that trying to elicit a reaction/response from him would bring. You totally deserve a meaningful apology but he doesn't sound like a considerate person, in all honesty :nope:

Take care and hang on in there. Also forgot to mention in my last post that finding new/engaging with old hobbies, and using creative arts as a form of expression, could be helpful in the short run, just to manage and process the feelings :hugs:
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marple
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
I and my ex broke up about 1 year ago, a terrible breakup. He acted like I didn't exist. I was heartbroken but I accepted the relationship was over.
Something I never got over was that I had gotten pregnant during the relationship - I told him and he was terrified about what his family would say (strict Muslims), he even told me he was scared about the possibility of honour killing but he knew abortion was not an option.
The thought of losing him terrified me so I had an abortion but lied and told him I had miscarried.
I've only ever told a few people and I thought I would move on but I'm so haunted by it all. Especially as he has moved on - finding it out and the way he dumped me brings it all back and I'm so destroyed by it all.
I have an urge to tell him like look what I did for you, to protect you and you just left like it was nothing.

I don't know. I just wonder when I will move on from it all.
Like others here I would suggest you don't tell him, but work at moving on. Go to see you GP - they should be able to suggest reputable counselling to help you move on from the abortion, From an outsiders point of view this is what you need to focus on: you didn't take the decision to have an abortion lightly, but felt pressured into it by his unsupportive attitude.

Frankly you deserve better, and I hope as time moves on you can look back and see what a spineless hypocrite he was - unable to stand up for you and his future. Hopefully in time you will see that he is pretty pathetic, and will pity his wife as no doubt he had told her a completely untrue version of his life and beliefs.. Prioritise yourself, get support from counsellors and move forward to a future with someone who deserves you.

Very best wishes
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Muttly
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#11
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#11
You poor soul. You have been through so much pain, loss and grief and to have had to go through all of that with very little support, plus a break up with your partner is a huge life event. No wonder you feel so bereft and cut adrift. You had no one to turn to when you needed them most.

No wonder you can't move on, you feel so much guilt and emotional pain from having an abortion 'under sufferance' and I expect you keep wondering what might have been if you had not done so?

You have experienced the break up with your partner of ten years which was a huge part of your life. You made a sacrifice which at the time felt like it was all his doing, and his demands which influenced you to abort your child. You are still haunted by this and very few people would understand the sadness and the sense of loss you have experienced.

One thing for sure is that you sound to be so much better off without this selfish man, he is in the past, history. He has shown his true colours and it is hard to believe just how cold and callous some men can be. You deserve so much more and no wonder you feel so awash with emotions.

It may be worth your while trying to access some support from some of the specialist support groups.


Archtrust Helpline - 03456038501
https://www.archtrust.org.uk/afterabortion


Life Charity Helpline: 0808 802 5433
https://lifecharity.org.uk/had-an-abortion
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Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#12
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Oh wow, 10 years is a long time. No wonder you're in pieces I'm glad you felt able to write it out a bit here: keeping things bottled up is SO hard :sadnod: I do think it's best to avoid opening up any cans of worms that trying to elicit a reaction/response from him would bring. You totally deserve a meaningful apology but he doesn't sound like a considerate person, in all honesty :nope:

Take care and hang on in there. Also forgot to mention in my last post that finding new/engaging with old hobbies, and using creative arts as a form of expression, could be helpful in the short run, just to manage and process the feelings :hugs:
Yup, I totally feel like a mug letting myself be used for 10 years by him. The signs were all there all along. That's why I feel even more crap about it all. You're right, speaking to him now when he's married to a perfect traditional woman would be the worst thing and also not what she would deserve to find out what her husband has done in the past.
I will try and keep busy, thank you!
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Anonymous #1
#13
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#13
(Original post by marple)
Like others here I would suggest you don't tell him, but work at moving on. Go to see you GP - they should be able to suggest reputable counselling to help you move on from the abortion, From an outsiders point of view this is what you need to focus on: you didn't take the decision to have an abortion lightly, but felt pressured into it by his unsupportive attitude.

Frankly you deserve better, and I hope as time moves on you can look back and see what a spineless hypocrite he was - unable to stand up for you and his future. Hopefully in time you will see that he is pretty pathetic, and will pity his wife as no doubt he had told her a completely untrue version of his life and beliefs.. Prioritise yourself, get support from counsellors and move forward to a future with someone who deserves you.

Very best wishes
I doubt he told her at all. His family didn't know about me because he was too frightened throughout our relationship. I almost feel bad for him. I will work at moving on, thank you
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Anonymous #1
#14
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#14
(Original post by Muttly)
You poor soul. You have been through so much pain, loss and grief and to have had to go through all of that with very little support, plus a break up with your partner is a huge life event. No wonder you feel so bereft and cut adrift. You had no one to turn to when you needed them most.

No wonder you can't move on, you feel so much guilt and emotional pain from having an abortion 'under sufferance' and I expect you keep wondering what might have been if you had not done so?

You have experienced the break up with your partner of ten years which was a huge part of your life. You made a sacrifice which at the time felt like it was all his doing, and his demands which influenced you to abort your child. You are still haunted by this and very few people would understand the sadness and the sense of loss you have experienced.

One thing for sure is that you sound to be so much better off without this selfish man, he is in the past, history. He has shown his true colours and it is hard to believe just how cold and callous some men can be. You deserve so much more and no wonder you feel so awash with emotions.

It may be worth your while trying to access some support from some of the specialist support groups.


Archtrust Helpline - 03456038501
https://www.archtrust.org.uk/afterabortion


Life Charity Helpline: 0808 802 5433
https://lifecharity.org.uk/had-an-abortion
I think about what if, often. I feel I rushed into a decision that would make his life easier and then just buried my head into work to forget about it all. Until, I found out he had moved on to marriage within a year of our break up and then it all came rushing back. I would actively not think about it for the longest time, feeling a sense of loss for the longest time.
Thank you, I think you described it all amazingly...I don't feel many people would understand and the friends I have told focus on the breakup rather than that event in my life.
I've not heard on these charities, but I will think about reaching out. Thank you.
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londonmyst
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#15
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#15
No, he doesn't deserve to know.
Nor receive any more of your time or emotion.
Arguably he never did deserve any of either.

I understand some of how you feel.
I've had a few bad apple exes from a variety of backgrounds.
Remember that you have dodged a bullet and deserve so much better than a selfish jerk ex who wanted a convenient source of sex knowing that he was incompatible with your basic values & ambitions.
Edit your dating dealbreakers to avoid a similar situation ever arising again & immediately weed out all guys that are obviously incompatible with your relationship ambitions and lifestyle preferences.

A few years from now, exes and the ghosts of failed relationships will be water under the bridge.
You will have moved on and be living the happy future life that you have always wanted.
You may be single & focusing on your career or finances or expanding your skillset and having fun making as many happy memories as you can with those that care the most for you.
Alternatively you may have a partner or children and have built a happy future that revolves around your ambitions with them.

I feel sorry for the unfortunate woman who will end up dependent upon him to provide her with stable access to accomodation, affection, food, money, a social life, coparenting support and a reasonably positive domestic environment.
All that she is likely to receive from him is gross mistreatment, broken promises and bitter disappointment.
Luckily that woman won't be you.
Good luck!
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The_Lonely_Goatherd
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#16
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#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
Yup, I totally feel like a mug letting myself be used for 10 years by him. The signs were all there all along. That's why I feel even more crap about it all. You're right, speaking to him now when he's married to a perfect traditional woman would be the worst thing and also not what she would deserve to find out what her husband has done in the past.
I will try and keep busy, thank you!
FWIW, I don't think you're a mug: it's hard to spot the signs when you're in love with someone - particularly if you're from a different ethnic and/or religious background. I'm sure I'll be shot down for stating this - and obviously I'm not sure what your ex's ethnic background is - but my observation of my own culture (South Asian) is that these male 'fool around behind the parents' backs/have my cake and eat it before marrying a clueless traditional wife'-type attitudes are quite prevalent (if not endemic) within certain cultures It's something various ethnic and religious communities need to work on, imho: educating their men on how to think about and treat women :sadnod:

So try not to be too hard on yourself :console:
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Anonymous #1
#17
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#17
(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
FWIW, I don't think you're a mug: it's hard to spot the signs when you're in love with someone - particularly if you're from a different ethnic and/or religious background. I'm sure I'll be shot down for stating this - and obviously I'm not sure what your ex's ethnic background is - but my observation of my own culture (South Asian) is that these male 'fool around behind the parents' backs/have my cake and eat it before marrying a clueless traditional wife'-type attitudes are quite prevalent (if not endemic) within certain cultures It's something various ethnic and religious communities need to work on, imho: educating their men on how to think about and treat women :sadnod:

So try not to be too hard on yourself :console:
He and I are both South Asian. And, yeah I get you and I agree. It’s actually sad because he married someone from back home so it kinda makes it hurt less to be honest like it was more of a formality rather than an actual love marriage.
It sucks that other people have to be hurt by these toxic brown boys lol.
I’m starting to get over it for sure. But certain things just bring the memories back even when I really don’t want them too.
I just want to be able to move on and quick but I realise this is probably going to be a long process
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