Gf contacting ex daily?

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
Hi, I am in a lesbian relationship. Me and my gf fell in love while she was in another, long-term relationship for a good 7 years. She broke up with her ex over me and immediately we started a relationship, which is going very well, we have good sex, communication, but sometimes we fight because of slight incompatibilities. Overall, however, I can attest to the fact that she seems very much in love with me, she cares about me and we have so much fun.

Anyway, with her ex they had a strictly platonic relationship as my gf lost sexual attraction to her from the first months of their relationship already (they stopped having sex altogether). However, they still had a very strong, codependent and affectionate bond and continued the relationship until she met and fell in love with me. Then my gf realized that she only saw her ex as a best friend and not as a lover and that she could not continue their 'relationship' .

We don't live together . I thought, based on my gf's confession, that her ex had moved out of their flat (house belongs to my gf only) when they broke up. However, it seems that they still live together (the ex has some financial issues but still) and sleep in the same bed throughout all this time (the house has more than one bedroom). What is more, my gf texts her every day saying that she misses her and twice she told her that she is the love of her life, that she is not in love with me and does not love me and that she can't wait to have experiences with her, like holidays etc and that she wishes she (her ex) was a little kitten so that she could carry her on her all the time (!). Throughout their relationship, my gf would call her ex 'kitten' and she would act like the mom of the kitten, taking care of her. She would act very mother-like towards her ex.

She even makes holiday plans with her and still calls her sweet names, although obviously much less than before. When her ex acts a bit distant in the texts they exchange, my gf asks her 'why aren't you sweet with me'? Please tell me you miss me'. She also says that she can't be emotionally involved with anyone else because she thinks of her all the time and she cries over her. However, when her ex asked her if they could get back together she said no because their relationship was not of a truly 'romantic/sexual' type and my gf needs sex and romantic attraction in her life.

I know all this because I saw messages on her phone when she left it accidentally at home one day. All this has been going on since day one from their break up.

I don't know how to feel. I mean I know she is in love with me, she likes sex with me and I also know that she is not attracted to her ex at all so I know they are not getting physical and that these messages are not suspicious. Her ex still very much wants her mind you. What truly bothers me that she hid from me the fact that they still live together (when she does not sleep at my place) and that she texts her ex that she misses her. I don't mind the daily exchanges but only the content of them. Perhaps she is guilty because she dumped her for me and now the ex is suffering and all these are lies to relieve her conscience but still. I know its a different type of love than ours, mostly of the friendly type but I am wondering if this is normal or she is not 100% into me as I used to think, especially because she said she is not in love with me, even though it seems otherwise. I can't admit what I saw to her, because I feel extremely bad for violating her privacy. Any thoughts? What should I make of this whole thing?

Sorry for my English, not a native speaker.
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Muttly
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#2
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#2
So I would feel like the useful idiot?

Please say out loud - "I'm out if this and I deserve so much more than being used for when it suits?"

Come on - get moving and get out of this relationship. She loves the fact that she knows you haven't got it in you to make the first move and leave her. I sincerely hope you do. She is using you absolutely. Please imagine you are advising your best friend about what she has just told you?

Plenty more lovely fish in the sea.
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1582
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#3
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#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
...it seems that they still live together (the ex has some financial issues but still) and sleep in the same bed throughout all this time (the house has more than one bedroom). What is more, my gf texts her every day saying that she misses her and twice she told her that she is the love of her life, that she is not in love with me and does not love me and that she can't wait to have experiences with her, like holidays etc...
She might use words like "ex" but really it sounds like she's still dating her too. Or at least keeping her on the hook with the impression that she'll return to her after you. Not sure why you even needed to post on here to know the answer to this one because the answer is obvious: leave her.
Last edited by 1582; 1 month ago
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Admit-One
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#4
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#4
Unless you like being taken for a fool, move on.
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Anonymous #1
#5
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Thank you, but she really seems into me and totally repulsed by her ex sexually and romantically. This is what really baffles me.
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Anonymous #1
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I wouldn't categorise it as suspicious because there are not romantic or sexual feelings involved, but still it does not seem right to me, but I don't know why exactly.
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Admit-One
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I wouldn't categorise it as suspicious because there are not romantic or sexual feelings involved, but still it does not seem right to me, but I don't know why exactly.
Your GF hasn't disclosed that she sleeps in a bed with her ex, but you can't put your finger on your finger on why it doesn't seem right?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Admit-One)
Your GF hasn't disclosed that she sleeps in a bed with her ex, but you can't put your finger on your finger on why it doesn't seem right?
They do not sleep together, my gf was almost repulsed by her ex sexually (she has described incidents where she started crying in the middle of sex because she was not attracted to her ex. After that, they stopped having sex for 6 years altogether). This is why I don't worry in a romantic sense, but its the lying by omission (to tell me that they sometimes sleep in the same bed or that they exchange love texts) that irritates me a bit.
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Admit-One
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(Original post by Anonymous)
They do not sleep together, my gf was almost repulsed by her ex sexually (she has described incidents where she started crying in the middle of sex because she was not attracted to her ex. After that, they stopped having sex for 6 years altogether). This is why I don't worry in a romantic sense, but its the lying by omission (to tell me that they sometimes sleep in the same bed or that they exchange love texts) that irritates me a bit.
That's why I said "slept in a bed" and not "sleeping with".

And you need to bear in mind that that's the absolute best case scenario for what's going on. And I'm not sure why you would have confidence in that given how guarded your GF has been about the whole thing.

Irritates you a bit? Incredible.
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Anonymous #1
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Excuse my English, I am not a native speaker and got confused.

I am confident that there is no sex going on, because we met in a forum and there she would write about her ex, that is not attracted to her sexually at all all these years and that she sees her as sister/family but she can't bring herself to break up with her (she had not met me then, so its not that she told me lies to hit on me later). So for the sex and romance part I am 100% sure but it still irritates me that she has not disclosed that she texts her I miss you and I love you.

It's alarming to me in the sense that she maybe wanna keep her ex as an emotional security blanket because she is very much afraid of loneliness ing general and that is definitely not a good thing to do to an ex who still has feelings for you.





(Original post by Admit-One)
That's why I said "slept in a bed" and not "sleeping with".

And you need to bear in mind that that's the absolute best case scenario for what's going on. And I'm not sure why you would have confidence in that given how guarded your GF has been about the whole thing.

Irritates you a bit? Incredible.
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Anonymous #1
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..
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Anonymous #1
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,,
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Admit-One
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#13
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Excuse my English, I am not a native speaker and got confused.

I am confident that there is no sex going on, because we met in a forum and there she would write about her ex, that is not attracted to her sexually at all all these years and that she sees her as sister/family but she can't bring herself to break up with her (she had not met me then, so its not that she told me lies to hit on me later). So for the sex and romance part I am 100% sure but it still irritates me that she has not disclosed that she texts her I miss you and I love you.

It's alarming to me in the sense that she maybe wanna keep her ex as an emotional security blanket because she is very much afraid of loneliness ing general and that is definitely not a good thing to do to an ex who still has feelings for you.
Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are engaged in an entirely non-sexual, platonic relationship.

Well they live together. They choose to sleep in the same bed together, (presumably because they enjoy some level of intimacy). They interact daily. They continue to use pet names for each other.

And that’s just the stuff that you have determined.

So in essence, they haven’t really moved on from having a relationship at all. They’re still very much actively engaged in one. They’re apparently in no rush to change things, and why would they? It suits them down to the ground.

So the question for you is, are you willing to share your GF with this person until they eventually decide that this mutually beneficial living situation isn’t tenable?

Because what you describe as “irritating”, many people would describe as “intolerable”.
Last edited by Admit-One; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #2
#14
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, I am in a lesbian relationship. Me and my gf fell in love while she was in another, long-term relationship for a good 7 years. She broke up with her ex over me and immediately we started a relationship, which is going very well, we have good sex, communication, but sometimes we fight because of slight incompatibilities. Overall, however, I can attest to the fact that she seems very much in love with me, she cares about me and we have so much fun.

Anyway, with her ex they had a strictly platonic relationship as my gf lost sexual attraction to her from the first months of their relationship already (they stopped having sex altogether). However, they still had a very strong, codependent and affectionate bond and continued the relationship until she met and fell in love with me. Then my gf realized that she only saw her ex as a best friend and not as a lover and that she could not continue their 'relationship' .

We don't live together . I thought, based on my gf's confession, that her ex had moved out of their flat (house belongs to my gf only) when they broke up. However, it seems that they still live together (the ex has some financial issues but still) and sleep in the same bed throughout all this time (the house has more than one bedroom). What is more, my gf texts her every day saying that she misses her and twice she told her that she is the love of her life, that she is not in love with me and does not love me and that she can't wait to have experiences with her, like holidays etc and that she wishes she (her ex) was a little kitten so that she could carry her on her all the time (!). Throughout their relationship, my gf would call her ex 'kitten' and she would act like the mom of the kitten, taking care of her. She would act very mother-like towards her ex.

She even makes holiday plans with her and still calls her sweet names, although obviously much less than before. When her ex acts a bit distant in the texts they exchange, my gf asks her 'why aren't you sweet with me'? Please tell me you miss me'. She also says that she can't be emotionally involved with anyone else because she thinks of her all the time and she cries over her. However, when her ex asked her if they could get back together she said no because their relationship was not of a truly 'romantic/sexual' type and my gf needs sex and romantic attraction in her life.

I know all this because I saw messages on her phone when she left it accidentally at home one day. All this has been going on since day one from their break up.

I don't know how to feel. I mean I know she is in love with me, she likes sex with me and I also know that she is not attracted to her ex at all so I know they are not getting physical and that these messages are not suspicious. Her ex still very much wants her mind you. What truly bothers me that she hid from me the fact that they still live together (when she does not sleep at my place) and that she texts her ex that she misses her. I don't mind the daily exchanges but only the content of them. Perhaps she is guilty because she dumped her for me and now the ex is suffering and all these are lies to relieve her conscience but still. I know its a different type of love than ours, mostly of the friendly type but I am wondering if this is normal or she is not 100% into me as I used to think, especially because she said she is not in love with me, even though it seems otherwise. I can't admit what I saw to her, because I feel extremely bad for violating her privacy. Any thoughts? What should I make of this whole thing?

Sorry for my English, not a native speaker.
Oh no , 🚩🚩🚩
She is trying to date u both at once , keeping things from u is very suspicious . U deserve better remember this and please ... Find better
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Anonymous #1
#15
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(Original post by Admit-One)
Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are engaged in an entirely non-sexual, platonic relationship.

Well they live together. They choose to sleep in the same bed together, (presumably because they enjoy some level of intimacy). They interact daily. They continue to use pet names for each other.

And that’s just the stuff that you have determined.

So in essence, they haven’t really moved on from having a relationship at all. They’re still very much actively engaged in one. They’re apparently in no rush to change things, and why would they? It suits them down to the ground.

So the question for you is, are you willing to share your GF with this person until they eventually decide that this mutually beneficial living situation isn’t tenable?

Because what you describe as “irritating”, many people would describe as “intolerable”.
I see your point, but I think my gf has definitely moved on from having a relationship with her, as most of the time she chooses to sleep with me, go out with me, and cancels any plans her ex may suggest to her to be with me. She doesn't love her and unfortunately she neither loves me. But saying that they still have a relationship, no I wouldn't say so. I am mostly concerned that she takes advantage of this poor ex who still loves her to feed on her fear of loneliness but still, it is not proper to me.
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Admit-One
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I see your point, but I think my gf has definitely moved on from having a relationship with her, as most of the time she chooses to sleep with me, go out with me, and cancels any plans her ex may suggest to her to be with me. She doesn't love her and unfortunately she neither loves me. But saying that they still have a relationship, no I wouldn't say so. I am mostly concerned that she takes advantage of this poor ex who still loves her to feed on her fear of loneliness but still, it is not proper to me.
I have no idea how you reconcile “has definitely moved on” with “still sleeps in a bed with them but hasn’t deemed that important enough to tell me about it”.

I’ve shared all the thoughts I can and wish you the best of luck.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Admit-One)I have no idea how you reconcile “has definitely moved on” with “still sleeps in a bed with them but hasn’t deemed that important enough to tell me about it”.

I’ve shared all the thoughts I can and wish you the best of luck.

Thank you, you are right but I am still so blind to see it. But I also have to move on. Thank you so much!
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Anonymous #1
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