I am confused about my gender

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Hi, so lately I have been thinking a lot about my gender. It’s very difficult to talk about because I don't know what to say really. Sorry, this is going to be long.
I guess I should start by saying that I am biologically female, whilst that is somewhat okay to me, I feel like there is more and I don’t associate with being female. As a child I was very different to other ‘girls’ and seemed to class myself as a tom boy. But even then, a tom boy has so many meanings. I was very much into train sets and models. I wanted chemistry and construction toys because that is what I liked. I always wore boys’ clothes, i.e., boys’ tracksuits or plain clothing and hated anything pink, girly or dresses. This caused some upset to family members. My father accepted it, and never questioned it but others didn’t.
The whole identities, sexuality thing wasn’t really a thing when I was younger, so its not something I have ever questioned. As I have got older, I kind of phased out of the younger me, but not quite. Now in my 20’s and a student, I have started to feel more myself being quite neutral. I can buy clothes from both the men and women’s section of clothes shops quite freely. I mean my natural go to everyday style is checked shirt, t-shirt (usually nerdy) and jeans, then converse or vans. In the winter I will wear a plain jumper over the top. I also hate having my hair long. That to me is very neutral. But it has caused a stir.
I know that is a bold statement because I know many people in my life who are great female role models, some more feminine than others, but a lot of them have interests which are ‘stereotypically’ male (Obviously times have changed).
To this date, I don’t have any strong feelings towards my gender, yet I do not feel female fully and in some ways I kind of hate it other ways I am okay with it.
I have also suffered a lot of body dysmorphia in my life, and well I disassociate with my physical self a great deal. I have recently been diagnosed with a few health problems but nothing drastic. For me it feels like I very much live in my head and therefore I have no real association with my parts other than for biological reasons. I don’t hate them really, just don’t associate with them.
In recent years, I have changed significantly mainly the whole idea of sex and relationships came into it all. I don’t have any romantic affiliations with women, but I have previously had sex with a woman. I liked it, but I knew I was both sexually and romantically attracted to men more. Now I am in a loving relationship with a man. I kind of see sex quite differently to others, I believe people should be allowed to do whatever to anyone (legally of course) without labelling implications.
I recently started questioning my gender after facing a few battles at home. My dad died a few years ago and he was the ultimate supporter of anything I did. Although he would have said he was quite traditional, the fact that he encouraged a lot of my interests as a kid suggests he was very open to things. My mum has always said to me throughout my life that I should have been a boy. In many ways those words have hurt, its also why I have always kept my bisexuality quiet. This would just be another nail in the coffin. I was always scared of her judgment. Now I have left, I feel different. In many ways things have changed and I feel more included to be myself hence why I am asking for this advice.
I kind of wrote this post because I wanted to ask if anyone has any experiences of battling with their gender like I do. Like I say, I don’t feel any strong correlation between my gender and sex. I don’t feel female but male is too strong for me. I wonder what this is classed as? I also wanted to ask about peoples experiences. Part of me is scared really, confused even. I mean, whatever I am, I do not wish to change my name or have a preferred name. I also kind of don’t feel encouraged to change my pronouns just yet. The pronouns may change, but its because of my job really. I work with a lot of people from an older generation and although I understand they won’t be educated in that way, I get that, others may be rude about it. The fact that I have no strong affiliation with my gender doesn’t seem to get hurt by this either.
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SagaciousSag
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#2
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#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, so lately I have been thinking a lot about my gender. It’s very difficult to talk about because I don't know what to say really. Sorry, this is going to be long.
I guess I should start by saying that I am biologically female, whilst that is somewhat okay to me, I feel like there is more and I don’t associate with being female. As a child I was very different to other ‘girls’ and seemed to class myself as a tom boy. But even then, a tom boy has so many meanings. I was very much into train sets and models. I wanted chemistry and construction toys because that is what I liked. I always wore boys’ clothes, i.e., boys’ tracksuits or plain clothing and hated anything pink, girly or dresses. This caused some upset to family members. My father accepted it, and never questioned it but others didn’t.
The whole identities, sexuality thing wasn’t really a thing when I was younger, so its not something I have ever questioned. As I have got older, I kind of phased out of the younger me, but not quite. Now in my 20’s and a student, I have started to feel more myself being quite neutral. I can buy clothes from both the men and women’s section of clothes shops quite freely. I mean my natural go to everyday style is checked shirt, t-shirt (usually nerdy) and jeans, then converse or vans. In the winter I will wear a plain jumper over the top. I also hate having my hair long. That to me is very neutral. But it has caused a stir.
I know that is a bold statement because I know many people in my life who are great female role models, some more feminine than others, but a lot of them have interests which are ‘stereotypically’ male (Obviously times have changed).
To this date, I don’t have any strong feelings towards my gender, yet I do not feel female fully and in some ways I kind of hate it other ways I am okay with it.
I have also suffered a lot of body dysmorphia in my life, and well I disassociate with my physical self a great deal. I have recently been diagnosed with a few health problems but nothing drastic. For me it feels like I very much live in my head and therefore I have no real association with my parts other than for biological reasons. I don’t hate them really, just don’t associate with them.
In recent years, I have changed significantly mainly the whole idea of sex and relationships came into it all. I don’t have any romantic affiliations with women, but I have previously had sex with a woman. I liked it, but I knew I was both sexually and romantically attracted to men more. Now I am in a loving relationship with a man. I kind of see sex quite differently to others, I believe people should be allowed to do whatever to anyone (legally of course) without labelling implications.
I recently started questioning my gender after facing a few battles at home. My dad died a few years ago and he was the ultimate supporter of anything I did. Although he would have said he was quite traditional, the fact that he encouraged a lot of my interests as a kid suggests he was very open to things. My mum has always said to me throughout my life that I should have been a boy. In many ways those words have hurt, its also why I have always kept my bisexuality quiet. This would just be another nail in the coffin. I was always scared of her judgment. Now I have left, I feel different. In many ways things have changed and I feel more included to be myself hence why I am asking for this advice.
I kind of wrote this post because I wanted to ask if anyone has any experiences of battling with their gender like I do. Like I say, I don’t feel any strong correlation between my gender and sex. I don’t feel female but male is too strong for me. I wonder what this is classed as? I also wanted to ask about peoples experiences. Part of me is scared really, confused even. I mean, whatever I am, I do not wish to change my name or have a preferred name. I also kind of don’t feel encouraged to change my pronouns just yet. The pronouns may change, but its because of my job really. I work with a lot of people from an older generation and although I understand they won’t be educated in that way, I get that, others may be rude about it. The fact that I have no strong affiliation with my gender doesn’t seem to get hurt by this either.
To me, you kind of sound like a demigirl. I don't know you or understand your gender better than you do, so I suggest you do some research and leave before the debate starts. Well done for being open about exploring your gender, by the way.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SagaciousSag)
To me, you kind of sound like a demigirl. I don't know you or understand your gender better than you do, so I suggest you do some research and leave before the debate starts. Well done for being open about exploring your gender, by the way.
Thank you. I don't expect anyone to be a bully and I made it anonymous so no once could trace it back to me. The thing is I kind of feel like I don't like being classed as a woman. At work we were talking about pronouns (it can sometimes be part of my job) and they/ them suddenly sounded so much different to me.
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Anonymous #1
#4
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#4
(Original post by sufys)
You're just a woman who feels different.
But I am not just a woman, I dont believe that gender falls into such basic terms.
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rosy_posy
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#5
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#5
I'm cisgender, but I know that trans and non-binary people go through a lot of gender dysphoria when it comes to their sex organs. You haven't mentioned that, so I feel that in your case your gender expression is mainly what identifies you as being 'different' to your biological sex.
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SagaciousSag
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you. I don't expect anyone to be a bully and I made it anonymous so no once could trace it back to me. The thing is I kind of feel like I don't like being classed as a woman. At work we were talking about pronouns (it can sometimes be part of my job) and they/ them suddenly sounded so much different to me.
You could be on the agender spectrum if you think gender neutral and (to some extent) gendered pronouns aren't for you. You don't have to classify yourself as a woman if you don't like it or don't feel like it's right.
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hungrysalamander
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#7
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Being a tomboy does not make you trans. You don''t need to find extra labels for yourself to be who you are.
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Anonymous #1
#8
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#8
(Original post by SagaciousSag)
You could be on the agender spectrum if you think gender neutral and (to some extent) gendered pronouns aren't for you. You don't have to classify yourself as a woman if you don't like it or don't feel like it's right.
Thank you. I dont have a huge amount of body dismorphia as such, my downstairs area I have no problems with, but my boobs I kind of do mainly because they are more identifiable for me to be a woman. I dont like that.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by hungrysalamander)
Being a tomboy does not make you trans. You don''t need to find extra labels for yourself to be who you are.
I know being a tomboy doesnt make me different, but I did say this is what I was like as a kid. Nowadays I dont feel connected to my gender.
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Anonymous #1
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I didnt realise I would get such hateful opinions, i wanted to ask for experiences.
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sufys
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
But I am not just a woman, I dont believe that gender falls into such basic terms.
Well, you just do not conform to the stereotypes associated with a woman, it doesn't mean that you're not one.
Last edited by sufys; 1 month ago
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KirstinTM
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#12
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#12
Everyone seems to want to rebrand tomboy/not very feminine girls as trans or non binary. Just be who you are, who cares about labels.
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RushingRiver
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#13
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(Original post by sufys)
You're just a woman who feels different.
Not necessarily.
I don’t want this to turn into a gender debate, because you could be right, but it’s important to consider the possibility that the OP isn’t female. I’m not - I’m non binary - and I get told that I’m just a “tomboy” quite a lot, or that I’ll always be a girl because that’s how I was born. It feels genuinely hurtful when people say that, and I feel the disconnection with my birth gender that the OP describes.

To the OP - it’s a long and complicated journey sometimes, figuring out who you are. You could be female, you could be a demigirl, agender, any number of things really. Don’t feel pressured to label yourself though! I don’t really (I just use non binary or genderqueer to describe it when other people ask but those are just vague terms). There’s a lot to consider, but one thing that really helped me was trying out living life as a certain gender, to see if I could resolve my discomfort. Maybe you could try something similar? Dress a certain way and see if you like the way people treat you, the pronouns they use, etc.
Good luck, my PMs are open if you need to discuss anything in more detail, I wanted to keep this relatively short but it’s a minefield!
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Anonymous #1
#14
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I created this post to explore my gender its not about being a tom boy, I said that was years ago. Its hard to express words of gender identity when so many stereotypes exist. I
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iL1L
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#15
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#15
(Original post by Anonymous)
I didnt realise I would get such hateful opinions, i wanted to ask for experiences.
I'm sorry people you have been offended by people's comments

I think there is a problem with labelling people as some people might feel the need to identify themselves as a certain label. To me it sounds like you are closer to non-binary but you may not agree. Remember that everyone is different and unique. :hugs:

You have had difficult periods in your life and I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things get better and you can always reach out for support if needed.


I hope this post is somewhat helpful and supportive. You can message me privately if you like
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HorribleHatty
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#16
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You say you don’t feel connected to your gender but does anybody?

Gender as a separate entity from sex is a fairly new concept. Back when I was at uni it was cool to be androgynous and edgy, but still a strong badass woman. Now it feels like we’ve gone backwards where anyone who isn’t pink and sparkly isn’t a woman. Strange to me, but then I’m old.

Anyway. I don’t feel “connected” to my gender. I don’t even know what it would mean to feel connected to it. I wear woman’s clothes, or mens if I prefer the fit/colour. Not skirts or dresses though - don’t like them. I use a man’s wallet instead of a purse, and I can’t walk in high heels so don’t bother. I’m also as gay as the day is long. But this “connected to gender” thing? Nah, I’m not convinced.

Woman is what I am; not who I am. But, like I said, I’m old.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this and you have my sympathy, is it possible that you’re trying to feel a connection which just doesn’t exist for the vast majority of people?
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Mesopotamian.
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#17
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#17
(Original post by Anonymous)
I didnt realise I would get such hateful opinions, i wanted to ask for experiences.
Sorry to hear.

From reading your OP, I think perhaps the gender stereotypes our society has formed over millennia is causing this inner battle?
Personally, there are a lot of things associated with my gender that I do not associate with and I can relate to some of the things in your post regarding your likes and dislikes. However for me, that hasn’t changed my perception of my sex because the way I think about it is that stereotypes are like expectations or trends in society - and I simply don’t want to conform to those. I haven’t ever really given gender much thought because I am what I am and I can express myself as I want so to me, the gender associated with my sex is what I am.

Not sure if that makes any sense?
Last edited by Mesopotamian.; 1 month ago
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Mr Anderson1997
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#18
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#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I didnt realise I would get such hateful opinions, i wanted to ask for experiences.
Gender is a social construct in our days and someone can identify as they wish. But it seems to me that you don't conform to the stereotypes usually associated with girls and women. Even if you are attracted to females it isn't enough to say that you have gender dysphoria. Perhaps you need to speak to your GP and they will probably refer you to a specialist if you feel uneasy about this situation.
Having said that, I don't understand where are these hateful opinions that you said exist in this thread.
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Ferrograd
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#19
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#19
It's ok to be born a female but be what we would call in my day - not so long ago - a "tomboy".
It's quite common and perfectly normal.
If you're really that bothered about it then go and see a therapist, go private and you can find one who specialises in gender/sex issues.
Please don't rush into anything. It may just be a phase, you don't want to do something you'll regret.
People will love you for who you are. Personally, as a guy, I find it more interesting in a girl for them to be interested in something other than the usual feminine associated hobbies like makeup shopping etc, it's boring and unrelatable for me.

You're just a girl who might like different things to other girls and that's perfectly ok, perfectly normal in fact. You can be a girl and like boyish things. You don't need to have a sex change.
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Mr Anderson1997
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#20
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(Original post by Ferrograd)
It's ok to be born a female but be what we would call in my day - not so long ago - a "tomboy".
It's quite common and perfectly normal.
If you're really that bothered about it then go and see a therapist, go private and you can find one who specialises in gender/sex issues.
Please don't rush into anything. It may just be a phase, you don't want to do something you'll regret.
People will love you for who you are. Personally, as a guy, I find it more interesting in a girl for them to be interested in something other than the usual feminine associated hobbies like makeup shopping etc, it's boring and unrelatable for me.

You're just a girl who might like different things to other girls and that's perfectly ok, perfectly normal in fact. You can be a girl and like boyish things. You don't need to have a sex change.
Gender change you mean.
Biological sex cannot be changed.

I pretty much agree with everything else you said in your reply.
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