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Confused about my own personality

Anon because its a touchy subject,

And to be clear straight off I have "mild" aspergers

Am mid 30's

Had traumatic experiences in my life, grew up in actual poverty i.e hand me down clothes, damp house, living on basics a bag of chips to share between 3 people was a once a month treat.

Bullied to point of broken bones at high school, school discrimated against poor kids and ones from council estates saying they are all future criminals (thats a GUIDANCE teacher quote)

Sexually assaulted by another man when I was 16, brothers fiance murdered when I was 21 and as we were a poor family we had to move away as the whispers were around that we are criminals due to that and brother had his kid taken off him by social workers as they claimed until the killer was found he was a "suspect" then the 18 months from that until the real killer was found, charged and sent down was done they said too much time had passed and had kid adopted.

23-28, college, start uni and dropped out, bi polar flatmate 1 who trashed house, then moved and bi polar flatmate 2, then drug dealer neighbour and identity theft meaning credit score destroyed, weight gain, another neighbour who had 24/7 parties as was high all time so destroyed sleep pattern for life.

30-now, Started levelling out but at same time emotions basically gone, I didn't want to leave house, I ate more junk food, I just had no motivation I was neither happy nor sad though I did have a lot of sad feelings I basically was numb and that was why I was emotionless, but I enjoyed things like walks, holidays when I did them and when I did I would be out all day.

Finally got a fantastic job after being out of work since I was 23 a year before covid, and from 30 until then I suddenly got huge attention from younger women especially around 17-21 who thought I was about 25, full on flirting from them and asked out, telling me I am a super nice guy, many were so obessed with me as if I was gods gift, they were ones that say I saw on short term courses, worked in cafes/shops I went in daily and asked about their day, got to know so much about them including what part of town, sometimes even street they lived on, what buses/trains they got to and from work, their hours of work.

Then covid hit and I gained around 7 stone, I aged to point people now think I am in 40's my body language has changed which is likely part of it.

To my actual personality, I have always been contradictory, I both love if not crave company and despise it, I am a lone wolf who hates being alone.

I love having something to do, but hate having to do it as it feels I have no freedom.

I want intimacy but afterwards want to be alone then want it again, then be alone.

To go deeper and reason for so many things like my lack of motivation its like I get a overload of wanting to do thing 1 at same time as thing 2 so my brain stops and I do neither so I feel empty, if I do one of them I either feel bored or that It's ok but I now feel like I am missing out on 2

This is why I never lasted at relationships or jobs or uni (except most recent job as they are a good employer)

And for info the last time I fooled around with someone was 7 years ago, the last time I actually slept with anyone was when I was 21!

I have asked different GP's about therapy and medication but only most recent one has given me meds and that was 3 years ago and for first 6 months I had a little more energy, but never dreamt at night like full on blackout, then I got best dreams I had in years but then had side effects.

I did see a cpn once who arrived 2 hours late, and rushed me out in 5 minutes saying I was "normal" and would be taken off the list, basically she said as I said I won't take my own life I am not a priority.

This was originally meant as purely a personality thread but as I thought I would describe myself it ended up more a mental health one.

But for personality, I am just confused on how everything is contradictory which doesn't help my mental health, and I don't qualify for anything like social work as I am seen as too "normal" to get autism/aspergers support, but not "normal" enough to be normal.
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous


And to be clear straight off I have "mild" aspergers


You either have Asperger's or you do not. I believe recent guidelines may ascribe "levels" to the autism spectrum disorder. But you should not downplay what issues you have.



Bullied to point of broken bones at high school, school discrimated against poor kids and ones from council estates saying they are all future criminals (thats a GUIDANCE teacher quote)


Speak with a therapist about this.


Sexually assaulted by another man when I was 16,


Speak with a therapist about this who specialises in sexual abuse.


brothers fiance murdered when I was 21 and as we were a poor family we had to move away as the whispers were around that we are criminals due to that and brother had his kid taken off him by social workers as they claimed until the killer was found he was a "suspect" then the 18 months from that until the real killer was found, charged and sent down was done they said too much time had passed and had kid adopted.


It seems more likely that he was identified as a suspect by the police and social services acted accordingly. I am not sure if what social services did was legal, but you should have at the time sought legal advice. That does not necessarily have to mean paying for a lawyer, but rather using advice services such as citizens advice etc.

23-28, college, start uni and dropped out, bi polar flatmate 1 who trashed house, then moved and bi polar flatmate 2, then drug dealer neighbour and identity theft meaning credit score destroyed, weight gain, another neighbour who had 24/7 parties as was high all time so destroyed sleep pattern for life.


It comes across that you have found yourself in the "wrong crowds". Whilst the environment with which you are raised plays a role in this, you also have to take some responsibility here.

It is actually quite odd to find yourself in a situation where you have two successive flatmates which have a medical diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It is also not clear what exactly "bipolar flatmate 2" has done wrong to you, so I am not sure why you felt the need to mention them.

Regarding identity theft, it can be extremely damaging, but again, there are advice services to help you sort it out. Did you seek out any advice?

Did you seek out advice from the university? Did you get any support for your mental health issues and any of the issues described above?

30-now, Started levelling out but at same time emotions basically gone, I didn't want to leave house, I ate more junk food, I just had no motivation I was neither happy nor sad though I did have a lot of sad feelings I basically was numb and that was why I was emotionless, but I enjoyed things like walks, holidays when I did them and when I did I would be out all day.


The story you are telling here is unclear. You first said you and your family lived effectively in poverty and in your post you say you had no job for several years and your credit score was destroyed. Yet you have been able to go on holidays and eat junk food, all of which cost money?

Either way, this comes across as depression. Speak to a therapist.


To my actual personality, I have always been contradictory, I both love if not crave company and despise it, I am a lone wolf who hates being alone.

I love having something to do, but hate having to do it as it feels I have no freedom.

I want intimacy but afterwards want to be alone then want it again, then be alone.

To go deeper and reason for so many things like my lack of motivation its like I get a overload of wanting to do thing 1 at same time as thing 2 so my brain stops and I do neither so I feel empty, if I do one of them I either feel bored or that It's ok but I now feel like I am missing out on 2


This all comes across as issues with your autism and you should speak with autistic communities for advice. Speak with a therapist who specialises in autism if possible.

I have asked different GP's about therapy and medication but only most recent one has given me meds and that was 3 years ago and for first 6 months I had a little more energy, but never dreamt at night like full on blackout, then I got best dreams I had in years but then had side effects.

I did see a cpn once who arrived 2 hours late, and rushed me out in 5 minutes saying I was "normal" and would be taken off the list, basically she said as I said I won't take my own life I am not a priority.


You already have a diagnosis of autism and will probably have trauma from your sexual abuse. You should locate therapists on the NHS who specialise in these areas. The wait will probably be long. Meanwhile you can find online communities where you can speak with others who have similar issues and perhaps find a form of relief through those mediums.

But for personality, I am just confused on how everything is contradictory which doesn't help my mental health, and I don't qualify for anything like social work as I am seen as too "normal" to get autism/aspergers support, but not "normal" enough to be normal.


You can still qualify for support, it is just that a number of the autistic services are aimed at people who are unable to take care of themselves on a day to day basis. There will likely be adult talking groups in your area or locate some online such as the subreddit for autism or aspergers.
(edited 1 year ago)
Both bipolar flatmates were violent, not to me but punching holes in walls, or just shouting non stop, smashing plates.

I didn't have a choice in having them it was shared accomodation and landlords didn't care, I later had a flatmate who had 24/7 parties or should I say he gave out loads of spare keys, slept at his partners so was never at the house.

As for my brother, basically the social worker involved and the local services had a reputation, she was religious and kept saying the child was born out of sin and she pushed for the child to be adopted by a Catholic family, not strictly legal, and outright said my family was benefit scum, we originally had weekly visitation which the social work didn't want, one day the child (few months old baby) had sniffles and they used that to say we gave the child a cold therefore were irresponsible carers so had to sit in the social work department supervised.

Then they tried to say as the child was clearly bored with us around they hadn't bonded with us, and their reasoning was until the real killer was found, charged, and sent down my brother could still be a "suspect" it was just excuses and they were in papers after for various complaints how they had broken apart families for similar reasons.

For the holidays, now parents are older we may get say 4 days in a caravan for like £70, sometimes even, I work now and may spent £30 a night in a hotel.

Social workers tell me the only funding they have is for ones that have things like seizures and can't do basic things like wash and bathe themselves or interact with people i.e mute.

A former GP didn't agree with handing out medication, another handed me them straight away but wasn't that good at diagnosing issues.

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