The Student Room Group

How am I ever going to find a girlfriend?

I'm a 19 year old guy whose supposedly good looking but I seem to fail at having a girlfriend, so much so I think people are probably going to speculate on my sexuality. I'm not a virgin but it wasn't good sex, and to top it off the person I lost it to was horrible and falsely accused me of raping her and ruined an otherwise memorable and somewhat pleasant experience.
That was when I was at university and its things like that that made me not regret dropping out, but in the outside world, I'm more alone than ever. I use apps like tinder and I never have any luck. The only girls I match with seem to be - and I don't mean to sound like a horrible person here - but not in my league, physically but more importantly intellectually. I need to be with someone who I can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and there are very few girls on tinder who seem capable of that.
I have no friends, and no real way of making them. I'm probably barely on the spectrum, I most liklely have ADHD too which means I was never diagnosed as autistic until I was 18. I got fired from my job recently for reasons relating to the adhd and autism, and i have a part time job now but its not the kind of job where im going to make life changing relationships and the only reason why i am ther is to get some form of income.
In terms of hobbies, I like the gym and writing, and minecraft. But its awkward enough to talk to girls at the gym, especially when most will think i'm some kind of sex pest or something like that, like thats what most g irls assume guys trying to talk to them in the gym are. And minecraft, I don't even play the game how its supposed to be played. I just make humongously big cities, that's me in an ntushell, never playing the game, the great game of "life" how its supposed to, just making up the rules as I go along just to get by and survive. I think that sums up our community in a simple way. We don't know what the rules are and even if we do know what they are, we struggle to follow them. And unlike most rules, we're not taught them, it's just something we're expected to know for some reason.
I tried volunteering at a parkrun recently but I found the idea of cheering someone on very awkward and I left as soon as the event finished.
It seems like everyone is moving on with their life and has a partner either a long term one or just something more casual and I don't. I had one girlfriend nearly three years ago it will be next year and it was with an emotionally unstable girl a couple years younger than me who was totally toxic and destroyed my remaining confidence. And of course the more recent occurence has also dented my confidence and just made me very bitter in general especially to women who are promiscuous. The dates I have been on have failed and again, my bitterness was worsened when one girl did a "date review" of me, sent it to a national newspaper (tabloids but still) complaining about the way i apparently "treated her". we went to mcdonalds because i asked her if she wanted to and she said yes, and it was like a passing thing, we'd already gone out for drinks like its my first date what do you want me to do, take you to a 5 star hotel?
I'm so lonely and I don't want to appear desperate because I know how unattractive that looks but I'm so fed up of being single and not having anyone who wants me in their life, other than my family where its kind of unrequited, even though sadly it is not for many people out there.
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a 19 year old guy whose supposedly good looking but I seem to fail at having a girlfriend, so much so I think people are probably going to speculate on my sexuality. I'm not a virgin but it wasn't good sex, and to top it off the person I lost it to was horrible and falsely accused me of raping her and ruined an otherwise memorable and somewhat pleasant experience.
That was when I was at university and its things like that that made me not regret dropping out, but in the outside world, I'm more alone than ever. I use apps like tinder and I never have any luck. The only girls I match with seem to be - and I don't mean to sound like a horrible person here - but not in my league, physically but more importantly intellectually. I need to be with someone who I can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and there are very few girls on tinder who seem capable of that.
I have no friends, and no real way of making them. I'm probably barely on the spectrum, I most liklely have ADHD too which means I was never diagnosed as autistic until I was 18. I got fired from my job recently for reasons relating to the adhd and autism, and i have a part time job now but its not the kind of job where im going to make life changing relationships and the only reason why i am ther is to get some form of income.
In terms of hobbies, I like the gym and writing, and minecraft. But its awkward enough to talk to girls at the gym, especially when most will think i'm some kind of sex pest or something like that, like thats what most g irls assume guys trying to talk to them in the gym are. And minecraft, I don't even play the game how its supposed to be played. I just make humongously big cities, that's me in an ntushell, never playing the game, the great game of "life" how its supposed to, just making up the rules as I go along just to get by and survive. I think that sums up our community in a simple way. We don't know what the rules are and even if we do know what they are, we struggle to follow them. And unlike most rules, we're not taught them, it's just something we're expected to know for some reason.
I tried volunteering at a parkrun recently but I found the idea of cheering someone on very awkward and I left as soon as the event finished.
It seems like everyone is moving on with their life and has a partner either a long term one or just something more casual and I don't. I had one girlfriend nearly three years ago it will be next year and it was with an emotionally unstable girl a couple years younger than me who was totally toxic and destroyed my remaining confidence. And of course the more recent occurence has also dented my confidence and just made me very bitter in general especially to women who are promiscuous. The dates I have been on have failed and again, my bitterness was worsened when one girl did a "date review" of me, sent it to a national newspaper (tabloids but still) complaining about the way i apparently "treated her". we went to mcdonalds because i asked her if she wanted to and she said yes, and it was like a passing thing, we'd already gone out for drinks like its my first date what do you want me to do, take you to a 5 star hotel?
I'm so lonely and I don't want to appear desperate because I know how unattractive that looks but I'm so fed up of being single and not having anyone who wants me in their life, other than my family where its kind of unrequited, even though sadly it is not for many people out there.

heyy
dw im sure you're gonna find a great girl when the time comes
dont put yourself down bcs of it
sometimes i feel so unwanted too, and trust me my family doesnt even want me, at least yours does
also who cares if u dont play a game how its 'supposed to be'
i do that all the time
rules are there to be broken
being different isnt bad
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a 19 year old guy whose supposedly good looking but I seem to fail at having a girlfriend, so much so I think people are probably going to speculate on my sexuality. I'm not a virgin but it wasn't good sex, and to top it off the person I lost it to was horrible and falsely accused me of raping her and ruined an otherwise memorable and somewhat pleasant experience.
That was when I was at university and its things like that that made me not regret dropping out, but in the outside world, I'm more alone than ever. I use apps like tinder and I never have any luck. The only girls I match with seem to be - and I don't mean to sound like a horrible person here - but not in my league, physically but more importantly intellectually. I need to be with someone who I can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and there are very few girls on tinder who seem capable of that.
I have no friends, and no real way of making them. I'm probably barely on the spectrum, I most liklely have ADHD too which means I was never diagnosed as autistic until I was 18. I got fired from my job recently for reasons relating to the adhd and autism, and i have a part time job now but its not the kind of job where im going to make life changing relationships and the only reason why i am ther is to get some form of income.
In terms of hobbies, I like the gym and writing, and minecraft. But its awkward enough to talk to girls at the gym, especially when most will think i'm some kind of sex pest or something like that, like thats what most g irls assume guys trying to talk to them in the gym are. And minecraft, I don't even play the game how its supposed to be played. I just make humongously big cities, that's me in an ntushell, never playing the game, the great game of "life" how its supposed to, just making up the rules as I go along just to get by and survive. I think that sums up our community in a simple way. We don't know what the rules are and even if we do know what they are, we struggle to follow them. And unlike most rules, we're not taught them, it's just something we're expected to know for some reason.
I tried volunteering at a parkrun recently but I found the idea of cheering someone on very awkward and I left as soon as the event finished.
It seems like everyone is moving on with their life and has a partner either a long term one or just something more casual and I don't. I had one girlfriend nearly three years ago it will be next year and it was with an emotionally unstable girl a couple years younger than me who was totally toxic and destroyed my remaining confidence. And of course the more recent occurence has also dented my confidence and just made me very bitter in general especially to women who are promiscuous. The dates I have been on have failed and again, my bitterness was worsened when one girl did a "date review" of me, sent it to a national newspaper (tabloids but still) complaining about the way i apparently "treated her". we went to mcdonalds because i asked her if she wanted to and she said yes, and it was like a passing thing, we'd already gone out for drinks like its my first date what do you want me to do, take you to a 5 star hotel?
I'm so lonely and I don't want to appear desperate because I know how unattractive that looks but I'm so fed up of being single and not having anyone who wants me in their life, other than my family where its kind of unrequited, even though sadly it is not for many people out there.

I am 25 and I have never been in a relationship and I have gotten to the stage in my life where I no longer want to be in one anymore.

Focus on yourself, not finding a girlfriend and maybe if you’re lucky you’ll find the right person for you.

All relationships end badly as they will end up in your partner breaking up, dying or getting divorced. I’ve seen people never mentally recover after the demise of an intimate relationship. Something to consider.
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
I am 25 and I have never been in a relationship and I have gotten to the stage in my life where I no longer want to be in one anymore.

Focus on yourself, not finding a girlfriend and maybe if you’re lucky you’ll find the right person for you.

All relationships end badly as they will end up in your partner breaking up, dying or getting divorced. I’ve seen people never mentally recover after the demise of an intimate relationship. Something to consider.

I hear that line so many times though "focus on yourself"
What does this even mean?
As far as I am aware, I do everything I can for myself.
I try and get a job or look for work. I work out 4-5 times a week, I keep in good shape. I go to therapy. I try everything I can to make myself the best I can, but my life isn't complete because my life now is not life. It's just existence. I have no friends eitehr and its a similar concept, how do I even go about making friends?
Original post by Anonymous
I hear that line so many times though "focus on yourself"
What does this even mean?
As far as I am aware, I do everything I can for myself.
I try and get a job or look for work. I work out 4-5 times a week, I keep in good shape. I go to therapy. I try everything I can to make myself the best I can, but my life isn't complete because my life now is not life. It's just existence. I have no friends eitehr and its a similar concept, how do I even go about making friends?

be yourself?
Original post by Anonymous
I hear that line so many times though "focus on yourself"
What does this even mean?
As far as I am aware, I do everything I can for myself.
I try and get a job or look for work. I work out 4-5 times a week, I keep in good shape. I go to therapy. I try everything I can to make myself the best I can, but my life isn't complete because my life now is not life. It's just existence. I have no friends eitehr and its a similar concept, how do I even go about making friends?

Friends are easier. Find people who have similar interests to you and then get to know them better.

There are few benefits to getting married. Single people have similar life expectancies to that of married individuals. Getting widowed almost always lowers your life expectancy.
(edited 2 years ago)
Reply 6

I'm not sure tbh, I've always found talking to girls is easier though you can still have girls as friends.
But how, how do I find those people?
I'm not into the kind of "clubs" stereotypically associated with autistic people (D&D etc). I'm no geek
Reply 7
Original post by mari_101
be yourself?


What makes you think people would be any more likely to accept me for being myself?
Original post by Anonymous
What makes you think people would be any more likely to accept me for being myself?

i hv no idea love just tryna help thats all
Reply 9
Original post by mari_101
i hv no idea love just tryna help thats all


I know you really mean well and its my bad for putting this on a place like TSR
But autistic people spend their whole lives not being themselves. It's a phenonemon called masking https://autismawarenesscentre.com/what-is-autistic-masking/
Personally, I feel like the best way to find a life-long partner is to continue bettering yourself (it sounds like you're not doing anything wrong there, though I don't know you, so I cannot exactly point out anything that may be detracting/putting girls off) and be patient. You are, after all, only 19. Some don't meet their life partner until much much later in life, so don't lose hope now.

Would you say you're quite a blunt person or do you find people are often taken aback by anything you say? It could be that you've just met a bad bunch so far (and it definitely sounds like it from what you've mentioned), but I won't deny that there are certain things most girls like and there may be something personality-related that puts them off.

Not all girls believe men who talk to them at the gym are creeps, however, I personally think it's the wrong setting regardless. Who goes to the gym to socialise? It's part of someone's self-care ritual and they want to work out, mostly alone, and occasionally with a friend. Meeting people through work, hobbies, or proper social settings (e.g. a bar) may be best. I think you should wait until you get a job you enjoy that is not just there as a source of income.

There are instances where people have used dating apps and been successful, but again, there are lots of disadvantages and some find that the majority of men/girls on there are very similar in motive (and not necessarily in a good way).

Patience, above all, is important. I know it's difficult when you feel lonely, but there will be someone out there. Like I said, you're only 19. Keep doing what you're doing and try to work on your self-confidence in particular. It'll help.
Don’t listen to people telling you to be yourself, because that is clearly not working for you. Your biggest priority is improving social skills and confidence. Girls and people in general do not want a guy that is lonely,damaged emotionally, bitter and depressed, they want a guy who has a large social circle, emotionally intelligent, has lots of experiences and is mature. You need to find more social hobbies that you like doing in real life with other people. Gym is ok but playing sports is better. From what I’m reading you spend a lot of time doing things by yourself which is the last thing you want to be doing. As someone who loved minecraft during his childhood I’m telling you you need to stop playing videogames and focus on pursuing your goals, how do you plan on gaining financial freedom.

Don’t worry about tinder, focus on meeting girls in real life. Girls in the gym are a waste of time as well since they get too much attention. U said ur good looking so no problems there, so focus on improving ur fashion sense. Also maybe find a way to relive all the frustration you have cause it won’t help you
Original post by Anonymous
I hear that line so many times though "focus on yourself"
What does this even mean?
As far as I am aware, I do everything I can for myself.
I try and get a job or look for work. I work out 4-5 times a week, I keep in good shape. I go to therapy. I try everything I can to make myself the best I can, but my life isn't complete because my life now is not life. It's just existence. I have no friends eitehr and its a similar concept, how do I even go about making friends?


I get what you mean, the "focus on urself" ive heard it so many times from my friends to the point where i feel they just don't get me...
Original post by dasmanamesss
I get what you mean, the "focus on urself" ive heard it so many times from my friends to the point where i feel they just don't get me...


Original post by Anonymous
I'm a 19 year old guy whose supposedly good looking but I seem to fail at having a girlfriend, so much so I think people are probably going to speculate on my sexuality. I'm not a virgin but it wasn't good sex, and to top it off the person I lost it to was horrible and falsely accused me of raping her and ruined an otherwise memorable and somewhat pleasant experience.
That was when I was at university and its things like that that made me not regret dropping out, but in the outside world, I'm more alone than ever. I use apps like tinder and I never have any luck. The only girls I match with seem to be - and I don't mean to sound like a horrible person here - but not in my league, physically but more importantly intellectually. I need to be with someone who I can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and there are very few girls on tinder who seem capable of that.
I have no friends, and no real way of making them. I'm probably barely on the spectrum, I most liklely have ADHD too which means I was never diagnosed as autistic until I was 18. I got fired from my job recently for reasons relating to the adhd and autism, and i have a part time job now but its not the kind of job where im going to make life changing relationships and the only reason why i am ther is to get some form of income.
In terms of hobbies, I like the gym and writing, and minecraft. But its awkward enough to talk to girls at the gym, especially when most will think i'm some kind of sex pest or something like that, like thats what most g irls assume guys trying to talk to them in the gym are. And minecraft, I don't even play the game how its supposed to be played. I just make humongously big cities, that's me in an ntushell, never playing the game, the great game of "life" how its supposed to, just making up the rules as I go along just to get by and survive. I think that sums up our community in a simple way. We don't know what the rules are and even if we do know what they are, we struggle to follow them. And unlike most rules, we're not taught them, it's just something we're expected to know for some reason.
I tried volunteering at a parkrun recently but I found the idea of cheering someone on very awkward and I left as soon as the event finished.
It seems like everyone is moving on with their life and has a partner either a long term one or just something more casual and I don't. I had one girlfriend nearly three years ago it will be next year and it was with an emotionally unstable girl a couple years younger than me who was totally toxic and destroyed my remaining confidence. And of course the more recent occurence has also dented my confidence and just made me very bitter in general especially to women who are promiscuous. The dates I have been on have failed and again, my bitterness was worsened when one girl did a "date review" of me, sent it to a national newspaper (tabloids but still) complaining about the way i apparently "treated her". we went to mcdonalds because i asked her if she wanted to and she said yes, and it was like a passing thing, we'd already gone out for drinks like its my first date what do you want me to do, take you to a 5 star hotel?
I'm so lonely and I don't want to appear desperate because I know how unattractive that looks but I'm so fed up of being single and not having anyone who wants me in their life, other than my family where its kind of unrequited, even though sadly it is not for many people out there.

by intellectually, u mean smart right? like book smart and all i mean maybe you just aint looking at the right place?
maybe pm me and we could talk more bout it 😁
Contact an autism support organisation particularly one which help those with autism into work as they can help you with social and communication skills for work but the are also relevant in relationships of all types.in audition with an autism A diagnosis you are entitled to a needs assessment from social service which can include funding of work support training .if employed you also entitled to access to work support which include long term mentoring etc.in Yorkshire area autism plus offeres this type of support but most areas a will have one .with autism you will probably find that those with all forms of neuro diversity will better understand you so support group for these people may be a better place to look for potential relationships
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a 19 year old guy whose supposedly good looking but I seem to fail at having a girlfriend, so much so I think people are probably going to speculate on my sexuality. I'm not a virgin but it wasn't good sex, and to top it off the person I lost it to was horrible and falsely accused me of raping her and ruined an otherwise memorable and somewhat pleasant experience.
That was when I was at university and its things like that that made me not regret dropping out, but in the outside world, I'm more alone than ever. I use apps like tinder and I never have any luck. The only girls I match with seem to be - and I don't mean to sound like a horrible person here - but not in my league, physically but more importantly intellectually. I need to be with someone who I can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and there are very few girls on tinder who seem capable of that.
I have no friends, and no real way of making them. I'm probably barely on the spectrum, I most liklely have ADHD too which means I was never diagnosed as autistic until I was 18. I got fired from my job recently for reasons relating to the adhd and autism, and i have a part time job now but its not the kind of job where im going to make life changing relationships and the only reason why i am ther is to get some form of income.
In terms of hobbies, I like the gym and writing, and minecraft. But its awkward enough to talk to girls at the gym, especially when most will think i'm some kind of sex pest or something like that, like thats what most g irls assume guys trying to talk to them in the gym are. And minecraft, I don't even play the game how its supposed to be played. I just make humongously big cities, that's me in an ntushell, never playing the game, the great game of "life" how its supposed to, just making up the rules as I go along just to get by and survive. I think that sums up our community in a simple way. We don't know what the rules are and even if we do know what they are, we struggle to follow them. And unlike most rules, we're not taught them, it's just something we're expected to know for some reason.
I tried volunteering at a parkrun recently but I found the idea of cheering someone on very awkward and I left as soon as the event finished.
It seems like everyone is moving on with their life and has a partner either a long term one or just something more casual and I don't. I had one girlfriend nearly three years ago it will be next year and it was with an emotionally unstable girl a couple years younger than me who was totally toxic and destroyed my remaining confidence. And of course the more recent occurence has also dented my confidence and just made me very bitter in general especially to women who are promiscuous. The dates I have been on have failed and again, my bitterness was worsened when one girl did a "date review" of me, sent it to a national newspaper (tabloids but still) complaining about the way i apparently "treated her". we went to mcdonalds because i asked her if she wanted to and she said yes, and it was like a passing thing, we'd already gone out for drinks like its my first date what do you want me to do, take you to a 5 star hotel?
I'm so lonely and I don't want to appear desperate because I know how unattractive that looks but I'm so fed up of being single and not having anyone who wants me in their life, other than my family where its kind of unrequited, even though sadly it is not for many people out there.

Aww Thats sad i think you could be hot x
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a 19 year old guy whose supposedly good looking but I seem to fail at having a girlfriend, so much so I think people are probably going to speculate on my sexuality. I'm not a virgin but it wasn't good sex, and to top it off the person I lost it to was horrible and falsely accused me of raping her and ruined an otherwise memorable and somewhat pleasant experience.
That was when I was at university and its things like that that made me not regret dropping out, but in the outside world, I'm more alone than ever. I use apps like tinder and I never have any luck. The only girls I match with seem to be - and I don't mean to sound like a horrible person here - but not in my league, physically but more importantly intellectually. I need to be with someone who I can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and there are very few girls on tinder who seem capable of that.
I have no friends, and no real way of making them. I'm probably barely on the spectrum, I most liklely have ADHD too which means I was never diagnosed as autistic until I was 18. I got fired from my job recently for reasons relating to the adhd and autism, and i have a part time job now but its not the kind of job where im going to make life changing relationships and the only reason why i am ther is to get some form of income.
In terms of hobbies, I like the gym and writing, and minecraft. But its awkward enough to talk to girls at the gym, especially when most will think i'm some kind of sex pest or something like that, like thats what most g irls assume guys trying to talk to them in the gym are. And minecraft, I don't even play the game how its supposed to be played. I just make humongously big cities, that's me in an ntushell, never playing the game, the great game of "life" how its supposed to, just making up the rules as I go along just to get by and survive. I think that sums up our community in a simple way. We don't know what the rules are and even if we do know what they are, we struggle to follow them. And unlike most rules, we're not taught them, it's just something we're expected to know for some reason.
I tried volunteering at a parkrun recently but I found the idea of cheering someone on very awkward and I left as soon as the event finished.
It seems like everyone is moving on with their life and has a partner either a long term one or just something more casual and I don't. I had one girlfriend nearly three years ago it will be next year and it was with an emotionally unstable girl a couple years younger than me who was totally toxic and destroyed my remaining confidence. And of course the more recent occurence has also dented my confidence and just made me very bitter in general especially to women who are promiscuous. The dates I have been on have failed and again, my bitterness was worsened when one girl did a "date review" of me, sent it to a national newspaper (tabloids but still) complaining about the way i apparently "treated her". we went to mcdonalds because i asked her if she wanted to and she said yes, and it was like a passing thing, we'd already gone out for drinks like its my first date what do you want me to do, take you to a 5 star hotel?
I'm so lonely and I don't want to appear desperate because I know how unattractive that looks but I'm so fed up of being single and not having anyone who wants me in their life, other than my family where its kind of unrequited, even though sadly it is not for many people out there.

omfg I can so relate
the desire will never go away

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