The Student Room Group

Am I in the wrong? (Boyfriend's Ex is angry with me)

Sigh so..

I met this guy at work. He is 45 and I am 26. After 5 months he has asked me to be his girlfriend and has invited me to go and meet his parents next month.

Predicament...

He still lives with his ex girlfriend. He has made it abundantly clear to her that they are over and he is moving out soon.

Now, my main concern is that he should have bloody moved out before asking me be his girlfriend. But he didn't.

He is currently in the middle of selling his house so he has put it on the market and that could take up to 3 months until someone buys it.

For the past few nights.. his ex has been tormenting me.. calling my phone - insulting me, calling me all kinds of names and telling me that I came in between her and him.

My boyfriend said they have not slept together in 3 years and sleep in separate rooms and only speak when they have to.

His ex is 49 .. she was shouting at me on the phone calling me disrespectful..

He is angry at me because I didn't stand up to her and "defend the relationship". I couldn't fight her because I didn't feel it was my place to get involved considering I told him it was not the right time to start a relationship, at least not until he has MOVED OUT OFFICIALLY.

I am under a lot of stress. His ex even threatened to end my career.

I need help guys... am I in the wrong ?

Thank you 🙏🏾
Daft question: why are you taking any calls from the ex?

And not to worry you, but even if your partner finds a buyer quickly, it could takes 6 months or more to complete the house sale.
Original post by Anonymous
Sigh so..

I met this guy at work. He is 45 and I am 26. After 5 months he has asked me to be his girlfriend and has invited me to go and meet his parents next month.

Predicament...

He still lives with his ex girlfriend. He has made it abundantly clear to her that they are over and he is moving out soon.

Now, my main concern is that he should have bloody moved out before asking me be his girlfriend. But he didn't.

He is currently in the middle of selling his house so he has put it on the market and that could take up to 3 months until someone buys it.

For the past few nights.. his ex has been tormenting me.. calling my phone - insulting me, calling me all kinds of names and telling me that I came in between her and him.

My boyfriend said they have not slept together in 3 years and sleep in separate rooms and only speak when they have to.

His ex is 49 .. she was shouting at me on the phone calling me disrespectful..

He is angry at me because I didn't stand up to her and "defend the relationship". I couldn't fight her because I didn't feel it was my place to get involved considering I told him it was not the right time to start a relationship, at least not until he has MOVED OUT OFFICIALLY.

I am under a lot of stress. His ex even threatened to end my career.

I need help guys... am I in the wrong ?

Thank you 🙏🏾


Report her to the Police and block her calls
Original post by Anonymous
Sigh so..

I met this guy at work. He is 45 and I am 26. After 5 months he has asked me to be his girlfriend and has invited me to go and meet his parents next month.

Predicament...

He still lives with his ex girlfriend. He has made it abundantly clear to her that they are over and he is moving out soon.

Now, my main concern is that he should have bloody moved out before asking me be his girlfriend. But he didn't.

He is currently in the middle of selling his house so he has put it on the market and that could take up to 3 months until someone buys it.

For the past few nights.. his ex has been tormenting me.. calling my phone - insulting me, calling me all kinds of names and telling me that I came in between her and him.

My boyfriend said they have not slept together in 3 years and sleep in separate rooms and only speak when they have to.

His ex is 49 .. she was shouting at me on the phone calling me disrespectful..

He is angry at me because I didn't stand up to her and "defend the relationship". I couldn't fight her because I didn't feel it was my place to get involved considering I told him it was not the right time to start a relationship, at least not until he has MOVED OUT OFFICIALLY.

I am under a lot of stress. His ex even threatened to end my career.

I need help guys... am I in the wrong ?

Thank you 🙏🏾


The first mistake you made was taking a man that still lives with his ex in the first place seriously, they have been living together as "exes" for three years?!!! No wonder the ex feels so entitled to be harassing you. and they are definitely still sleeping together

I can't believe a 45 year old man, needs a 26 year old woman to defend their relationship to his 49 year old "ex".

This just sounds very much childish to me. There is no need to invite such unnecessary drama into your life like this. The woman is clearly never going to leave you alone until you leave her "ex" alone and clearly the man is not worth it.
Either get an app on your phone that allows you to record phone calls on it, or get a Zoom F2 and put her speakerphone when she rings.

Get a recording of her ranting.

Then take appropriate action depending on what she says.

If she's threatening to end your career because you slept with her ex, then that's an illegal threat against you.

A recording or 2 or 3 will go a long way to taking the stress out of this situation.

You can see why he got fed up with her. Possessive, overly emotional woman. Combined with them having no sex for 3 years (possibly because their relationship was effectively over before that).

I think you 100% did the right thing in NOT justifying your relationship to the ex. You owe her nothing. No explanations. No justification. No logical arguments. Nothing. If you had started arguing with her saying stuff like "We're together because we love each other." then it just would have been a pointless waste of time for you.

Him being angry at you over this is a bad sign. I suspect he's feeling stressed by the whole situation and is taking some of that stress out on you. Even when you don't deserve it. Because that's a less noble aspect of human nature.

You are also quite right to wait until he's living separately from her before getting too involved with him.

The visit to his parents should be useful. Watch how he speaks and interacts with them. That will be a good indication of how he will speak and act with you in 2 years time.

At the age of 26 you should have options when it comes to men. This 45 year old man needs to demonstrate that he's worth your time, effort and affection. If he can't do that, get another man. If you're not good at getting men, work on that.
Original post by Admit-One
Daft question: why are you taking any calls from the ex?

And not to worry you, but even if your partner finds a buyer quickly, it could takes 6 months or more to complete the house sale.


Christ.
We have not slept together. I have known him for 5 months and he's told me he's fallen in love with me.

I love him.. he's practically my best mate but we have not been intimate. He has invited me down to the Cotswolds to meet his parents.

That's about it.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Either get an app on your phone that allows you to record phone calls on it, or get a Zoom F2 and put her speakerphone when she rings.

Get a recording of her ranting.

Then take appropriate action depending on what she says.

If she's threatening to end your career because you slept with her ex, then that's an illegal threat against you.

A recording or 2 or 3 will go a long way to taking the stress out of this situation.

You can see why he got fed up with her. Possessive, overly emotional woman. Combined with them having no sex for 3 years (possibly because their relationship was effectively over before that).

I think you 100% did the right thing in NOT justifying your relationship to the ex. You owe her nothing. No explanations. No justification. No logical arguments. Nothing. If you had started arguing with her saying stuff like "We're together because we love each other." then it just would have been a pointless waste of time for you.

Him being angry at you over this is a bad sign. I suspect he's feeling stressed by the whole situation and is taking some of that stress out on you. Even when you don't deserve it. Because that's a less noble aspect of human nature.

You are also quite right to wait until he's living separately from her before getting too involved with him.

The visit to his parents should be useful. Watch how he speaks and interacts with them. That will be a good indication of how he will speak and act with you in 2 years time.

At the age of 26 you should have options when it comes to men. This 45 year old man needs to demonstrate that he's worth your time, effort and affection. If he can't do that, get another man. If you're not good at getting men, work on that.
I have no problems attracting men.

Its just not the right men. Guys my age just want sex. He came along and treats me like a princess.. well most of the time he does.

But yeah I mean he doesn't think I should give up on things but.. I just need to see how things go.. I suppose.

I mean ... part of me wants to keep my options open as I have only known him 5 months. He needs to move out and won't and it's frustrating me quite frankly...

But he just doesn't want to let me go.

I do love him but.. I am tired. So tired.

His ex keeps taking her anger out on me and I am not sure what to do anymore.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Either get an app on your phone that allows you to record phone calls on it, or get a Zoom F2 and put her speakerphone when she rings.

Get a recording of her ranting.

Then take appropriate action depending on what she says.

If she's threatening to end your career because you slept with her ex, then that's an illegal threat against you.

A recording or 2 or 3 will go a long way to taking the stress out of this situation.

You can see why he got fed up with her. Possessive, overly emotional woman. Combined with them having no sex for 3 years (possibly because their relationship was effectively over before that).

I think you 100% did the right thing in NOT justifying your relationship to the ex. You owe her nothing. No explanations. No justification. No logical arguments. Nothing. If you had started arguing with her saying stuff like "We're together because we love each other." then it just would have been a pointless waste of time for you.

Him being angry at you over this is a bad sign. I suspect he's feeling stressed by the whole situation and is taking some of that stress out on you. Even when you don't deserve it. Because that's a less noble aspect of human nature.

You are also quite right to wait until he's living separately from her before getting too involved with him.

The visit to his parents should be useful. Watch how he speaks and interacts with them. That will be a good indication of how he will speak and act with you in 2 years time.

At the age of 26 you should have options when it comes to men. This 45 year old man needs to demonstrate that he's worth your time, effort and affection. If he can't do that, get another man. If you're not good at getting men, work on that.

PRSOM
I am sorry but this man has been living on planet earth for almost half a century and acts like a toddler.

Here's what you need to do ----------> 🗑️
(edited 1 year ago)
No, you are not in the wrong. :smile:

Dunnig Kruger has given you good advice.
Record some of her calls and make copies of any texts or voicemails that she has sent you then file a police report for her abusive calls & harassment once there have been 3 incidents.

Block her online.
Get a new sim and retire your current number for a few weeks.
Only give the new phone number to your closest friends and other people that you trust, requesting them to keep it private.
I'd also recommend getting a spare phone and number to talk to your bf- if he leaks the number to his troublemaker ex that tells you all that you need to know about him.

His ex is not worth any of your time and is not a problem that you should have to share with him.
He has chosen to continue living in the same property as her, rather than moving out himself or telling her that she must arrange alternative accomodation and leave the property so that it can be sold.
But you do not have to reply to her nonsense.
Nor tolerate her harassment and intimidation attempts.
Leave her to the authorities to sort out.
Good luck!
Original post by londonmyst
No, you are not in the wrong. :smile:

Dunnig Kruger has given you good advice.
Record some of her calls and make copies of any texts or voicemails that she has sent you then file a police report for her abusive calls & harassment once there have been 3 incidents.

Block her online.
Get a new sim and retire your current number for a few weeks.
Only give the new phone number to your closest friends and other people that you trust, requesting them to keep it private.
I'd also recommend getting a spare phone and number to talk to your bf- if he leaks the number to his troublemaker ex that tells you all that you need to know about him.

His ex is not worth any of your time and is not a problem that you should have to share with him.
He has chosen to continue living in the same property as her, rather than moving out himself or telling her that she must arrange alternative accomodation and leave the property so that it can be sold.
But you do not have to reply to her nonsense.
Nor tolerate her harassment and intimidation attempts.
Leave her to the authorities to sort out.
Good luck!

PRSOM

Terrific advice as always.

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