The Student Room Group

Dating a traditional Russian girl

We both are late 20's shes been here a few years.

We had a instant attraction and shes basically what many men would consider "perfect"

Beautiful, sweet and intelligent, has a job.

Here is where the issues I have come in though.

Shes a bit too traditional.

She does all the chores, cooking, cleaning on top of her job and gets upset and has even cried when I have done as little as wash a plate before as she says its her job and its her way of showing love and by doing it its saying she is bad at it. She even insists on making me a packed lunch every day, not talking sandwiches but actual food, she also likes to spend 1-2 hours in evening just cooking.

She tells me to sit on chair and watch sports and drink alcohol, I don't drink and I feel guilty.

She is submissive to point where I may ask for ideas on something to do or somewhere to go as bored and she just smiles and says "you are the man, you decide"

I feel uncomfortable as I am the sort of person who likes feedback (I have mild aspergers) as thats how my brain makes decisions.

Not sure what to do as it sounds like a dream but it is very uncomfortable for me and if I mention I want to help she gets upset.

I know her family is very traditional too, they hate the idea she is dating a non Russian man, her grandparents live in same house as her parents and she was expected to marry there and have her husband live in same house too.

The only things she is set on which is fine is we cannot make love without protection until marriage.
Reply 1
Are you being used by this woman and are you truly happy with your relationship or is this 'lust' talking?
I spat out my tea-
(edited 1 year ago)
How traditional are we talking? Does she grow her own wheat on a former collective farm and play the balalaika?
Original post by Muttly
Are you being used by this woman and are you truly happy with your relationship or is this 'lust' talking?


Not being used, its genuine she just seems to worship me and as great as having someone think I am amazing and want to do everything for me it also makes me feel like I am using her and not doing my bit.

She really is a sweet girl, she acts like someone in a movie and is very gentle and caring with everyone and wants to help everybody and makes me want to hold her and not let go.
Reply 5
She sounds like a nice girl tbh. Maybe try having a serious sit down conversation with her about your expectations going forward in the relationship (e.g. not living w/ her parents) and talking about how your aspergers affects your behaviour/ thoughts. Think about whether your compatible in your relationship and express that to her.
Spending 1-2 hours a day cooking is not THAT weird lol.
It is fine for your gf to want a relationship where she does all the housework and prepares your meals.
As long as the two of you are happy, mutually attracted and compatible together.
She may be keen to copy the tradwife type of relationship that she grew up with and saw her grandparents have.
Where the male partner is the breadwinner and head of the household responsible for making most of the decisions.
While the female partner cooks, cleans, is always agreeable to her partner, ensures a comfortable domestic environment and takes care of the children.
Is your gf religious?
Or from a family that has a long tradition of being church goers and marrying within their church?

Different people often have very different relationship ambitions, lifestyle preferences and standard of living expectations.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty as long as you have offered to help out and she knows that you are willing to give her a hand whenever she needs it.
Maybe tell her how much you appreciate her domestic efforts.
Let her know that you would appreciate suggestions about places to visit or dates to go on.
Consider organising fancy restaurant meals for special occassions or making her surprise gifts of things that you know she likes.
Good luck!
The reason I mention the cooking is we both work and so she comes home and then starts cooking straight away which I feel is a lot to take on.

She is an excellent cook, basically cooks meals like someones grandmother would make and always large portions.

She insists on proper food and not take aways, I am a big guy and she is a curvy girl.

She isn't religious but I think her family are church goers, she told me they didn't like the idea of her dating a man not of their country and culture and wanted to choose someone for her.

I mean I will try and do the dishes after she has already spent a hour or two cooking and she will get upset.

I was raised to see partners as equal and right now it's not.
Original post by Anonymous
The reason I mention the cooking is we both work and so she comes home and then starts cooking straight away which I feel is a lot to take on.

She is an excellent cook, basically cooks meals like someones grandmother would make and always large portions.

She insists on proper food and not take aways, I am a big guy and she is a curvy girl.

She isn't religious but I think her family are church goers, she told me they didn't like the idea of her dating a man not of their country and culture and wanted to choose someone for her.

I mean I will try and do the dishes after she has already spent a hour or two cooking and she will get upset.

I was raised to see partners as equal and right now it's not.

Both of you are equally invested in the relationship. :smile:
She just prefers to be fully responsible for the cooking and housework while you focus on other areas.
Maybe she knows that she is an excellent cook and enjoys doing it.
Try not to take your gf's lifestyle preferences and relationship ambitions personally.

When I was dating, I always did the cooking and preferred to do most of the kitchen & dining area tidying up.
I have some very inconvenient dietary allergies and calorie count.
I enjoy cooking and I'm good at it.
When I was living with the last ex, he gave me a gigantic book of his favourite recipes to learn within hours of me moving in.
I'm english, not traditionalist and don't have any tradwife potential.

A lot of Russian traditionalists are strict members of the orthodox church committed to religious endogamy and Russian nationalism.
Not tolerant of unmarried couples cohabitating or interfaith dating.
It probably wouldn't be possible for an unmarried couple to live together in Russia if the female partner was from a family of orthodox church going Russian traditionalists and the male partner was a foreign citizen with no close ties to Russia who took little interest in any religion.
But none of this matters as long as you are both living in the UK and happy to date or cohabit without any involvement from her family & yours.
Good luck!
This is what happens when you date someone from a strongly patriarchal culture. She will not change, this way of thinking and living has been drilled into her for over 20 years ( just like yours has). You have to decide whether you are comfortable with your relationship being like this forever.
She cried when you washed dishes.

:bird:. Something is off with her.
Original post by xox416
She cried when you washed dishes.

:bird:. Something is off with her.

I've wanted to cry or commit the perfect murder after watching some guys wash the dishes.

One washed expensive china dishes in window cleaning detergent spray and received a treble dose of gbh with intent from his elderly
aunt. :judge:
Another washed up ok then asked his cat to lick them shiny then gave each dish a rub with the feline tail "so they look like they've been in
the dishwasher". :bawling:
Original post by londonmyst
I've wanted to cry or commit the perfect murder after watching some guys wash the dishes.

One washed expensive china dishes in window cleaning detergent spray and received a treble dose of gbh with intent from his elderly
aunt. :judge:
Another washed up ok then asked his cat to lick them shiny then gave each dish a rub with the feline tail "so they look like they've been in
the dishwasher". :bawling:

That seems more reasonable to cry about expensive fine china dishes getting ruined.

We got fine China that has real gold in it..you can't put it in the microwave or dishwasher (apparently) because it can ruin the gold, whooooo gets gold in their plates anyways, not practical my mom would probably cry. But to cry simply because a man washed the dishes lol the girl needs to lighten up.

OP did you ruin her dishes???
(edited 1 year ago)
I agree with the others, it's not like she is doing anything majorly wrong exactly. I simply felt so suffocated reading your post. She is telling you to drink and then you are telling us you don't drink but I get the sense that you are too afraid to be your authentic self with her? Would you say that you two are compatible? Don't be afraid to disagree with her. You need to be a little assertive and say what you feel comfortable with and what you don't. Boundaries and whatever. As usual, this is another TSR relationship post where communication is the one major issue. Talk to her.
(edited 1 year ago)
I am my real self thats why she likes me, its just my real self doesn't like being mothered.

Sure I do hate chores like most people and can put them off so it's nice someone does it but it makes me feel lazy when she does it all for me.

Plus I don't like the idea that she should do it due to her gender, from our past talks (yes we talk a lot, another reason she bonded with me) a big reason she likes me is because I treat her as equal, to her doing everything she does is a choice and shes not forced to do so.

It just feels so strange that she essentially worships me and the ground I walk on, seems very extreme as I know I am flawed.

We do talk as I mention that's why I came here for some discussion on it to get others opinion.

Sorry for late response been a little sickly in the heat last few days.
What's your definition of too traditional?

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