I don't know if I have some kind of mental illness or if its just my personality. I 22, never had a bf and have had a crap life since I was 17 and started sixth form. At high school I was confident and thought that keeping fit was the main that mattered to me but I worked hard for GCSE's. Ive always been really shy and quiet I barely said a word in any classes and just had a few friends.
At sixth form I found it to be weird it just wasn't an happy environment even though people around me were friendly with each other I just found it pointless, walking all the way there, sitting in lessons then walking all the way back. I got a job and on my furst day during the first 15 minutes realised I hated it, couldn't cope and literally lost consciousness so was sent home. A lecturer said on my report I was withdrawn etc cause I didn't mix with the others I wanted to but just didn't for some reason, I was just quiet. Anyway I went to university but quit because overall it just seemed pointless, Id be going in on 2 hours sleep cause Id been up all night. Ever since Ive been nocturnal being awake at unsocial times and doing nothing. Ive done some voluntary work, got a job 2 years ago but was too scared to go in on the first day so that was that out and now Im working odd weeks here and there at a hospital.
Ive always thought weird things like have always been embarrased to say certain words and things to people and can get over whelmed if someone suddenly laughs in an unusual way. I guess its just part of being shy but also Ive been obsessed with the same person (my Judo instructor who's in his 60's now) since I was 12 When I first started he was really caring and that developed into me secretly fancying him and thinking about him every day all through high school I never fancied any lads my age, just a few school teachers. I still like him but the crush thing is really wearing off. This isn't right though is it (a 12 year old fancying that age)? To fancy someone for like 8 years I didn't even want to be with him just enjoyed his company and still do. Its not as though I don't have a father.
Anyway I can't get out of this rut and even my mum who used to be a psychiatric nurse says shes always thought theres something wrong yet she's never tried to change me, apart from convincing me that lads won't like me the way I dress etc.
Sorry if this is boring but Im just so weird and confused at life. Its like Im never a part of anything everything feels unreal and Im always anxious. I don't want any professional help Ive tried but its just the way I am, if I try and change I will be fighting against my personality, or am I really mental? Im worried I have depression or will develop schizophrenia , I already have all the negative symptoms of it (dropping out of life, sleeping at the wrong times, spending all my time alone etc) then again Ive always been a loner.
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- Thread Starter
- 13-11-2008 03:51
- 13-11-2008 09:04
You're not mental.
Perhaps you are suffering from mild depression, but I wouldn't spend time worrying about that. What matters is that you try to feel better - all this feels really weird at the moment but it'll get better.
Get a job you like, get some friends you like, be who you want to be and don't let anyone tell you you're "mental", coz you're not. You're normal.
- 13-11-2008 09:11
You're just different Don't let uptight people and an uptight environment scare you into thinking you need a label.
- 13-11-2008 09:25
I'd say your a little depressed and could possible have an anxiety disorder because a friend of mine has problems with anxiety and you sound just like her.
- 13-11-2008 09:27
seriously it doesnt sound all that weird to me.
if i could do a lot of that stuff i would, i mean i had depression at a young age and now i have to fight to not go back into my old habbits
seriously dont be worried that you have depression its a just a word...
and im afraid you will have to change the way you do things, its the only way to break it
i mean the nocturnal ness is just a habbit, you have to put pressure on yourself to go in on the first day of work, you remind me so much of myself its werid to write this, i have to be pressured into doing stuff, i get scared of stuff changing, going new places, seeing new people, even phoning someone i dont know on the phone is weird for me.
Im at uni now myself and so often we get taxis to and from places, i will never ring because i dont know the person at the other end of the phone, i get nervous, one of my friends is in different accomodation quite a way away but i wont get a taxi or bus to see him because i dont want to ring for a taxi and i dont want to get a bus on my own especially one i havent got before.
If theres something i dont like or dont think will go well i get the tendency to run.
I dropped out of college in my first year, i went back after but only so as that i didnt look like a failure to my family i mean i never even told my grandparents i dropped out.
And in relation to the Judo instructor, i think you just want someone to be close to, just need a good close friend? I mean i have a tendency to get into stupid painful relationships just because that person showed that they liked me and wanted me at somepoint. I end up spending months unhappy just because im scared of being on my own again after.
Sorry i know you didnt want to hear that maybe you do need to change somethings about yourself, just do whatever makes you happy, its the way i live now, i dont want to go back to where iv been.
But all in all i agree with chaseside"you're just different"
x x x
- 13-11-2008 13:51
Well we can't really judge that well because we don't know everything about you I mean there are probably lots of things going on which you haven't mentioned, from what you have described you just sound like a quiet introvert, not sure if fancying an old man since the age of 12 is normal though, well its obviously not normal but we couldn't say if its ok.