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Is this childhood trauma?

Hey everyone. I don't know where or how to start this question. I'm a young adult. During my teenage years, I went through some rough stuff. I'd say I had okay childhood. Everything was okay until I turned 11 or 12. Around that age, I remember my father drinking too much. He would get drunk often, especially when we would go to our family's friends' houses. He was awful when he would get drunk. I remember him not wanting to not go home, my mum would have to tell him it was late and time to go home and it would anger him. He often wouldn't let her drive home. He would drive home drunk. I remember how we drove in the middle of the road, and I would be scared and pray to get home safely. When we would get home, he would start some argument or nag my mother. One argument stuck up with me, and it was when he was telling her how she can't tell him when to go home, it's his car and how he paid for it and when she buys it then she can say we are going home. I remember that I was upset when that argument happened. I went to my bedroom and fell in seconds literally. I remember my mum saying how she came to check up on me shortly after I left and I was asleep. It's not that he just drank too much, but he was also emotionally available. When I was really young, I was ''daddy's girl'', I always wanted to go everywhere and so on. As I grow older I remember him being emotionally unavailable. He still is. He never says I love you, hugs or kisses me. I never felt any warmth from him. The only time when he hugs me is on birthdays or holidays when you have to congratulate someone, so that's when. I know that he loves me even if he doesn't say that. He worked really hard to afford me an education and provide for my family, but sometimes I wish he was more open with his feelings instead of ''having things''. I always get sad when my friends talk about their dads and how they have a friendly relationship because I wished it was some with me and my dad.

Long story short, when I became 11 or 12 everything went downhill. Father who drank too much, and lost my childhood friend (we fell apart). I became depressed and suicidal with time. It was really bad. I went from a happy and outgoing child to someone who lost all hope, became reserved and feared talking to people. Things that made me happy once, didn't anymore. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was so deep down. I had no one to talk to about it. An emotionally unavailable and alcoholic father and narcissistic mother with ''victim syndrome''. I was close to ending things so many times, but somehow I would always stop myself from doing it. Things are better now. I'm much happier. I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm still healing from some things and try to understand things that I've been through and find myself. Sometimes I have these phases where I get sad, but I get out of them quickly since I'm working on feeling better when they come or I simply stay out of them because I know what triggers them and can feel when they are coming. About my dad and his alcohol problem, he still drinks to this day and from time to time he overdoes it. When he comes home drunk, I can't stand him or even look at him. I always get flashbacks. I feel sad but also angry when I see him drunk and slurring words. I often have to leave the room because of this. I don't drink alcohol, I don't have a need to but also I think it's because of him. Because I'm disgusted by everything I've seen with his alcohol problems. The other thing that I don't know if is caused by all these events is the fact that I bottle my feelings. I never share my problems or say how I feel. Also, I don't know if this is an anxiety thing or if I'm just shy, but I have a problem when it comes to talking with people, especially around someone I don't know. I get nervous and overthink things while talking. I had to postpone a few meetings with friends and not attended the graduation ceremony because I would get this feeling. I'd suddenly feel like not going, not wanting to deal with people or would feel nervous.

I'm sorry for the long text, but this is something that I had on my mind for years. I never shared it with anyone. I would be really thankful for any answer.
You seem really sweet.

This represents childhood trauma in my opinion - it can take many forms, and there is no "valid" or "invalid" trauma. If it traumatised you and has affected you to this day then it is even more valid. Have you accessed any psychotherapy? If you cannot afford to fund it privately I thoroughly recommend finding someone who specialises in this type of work for a few sessions.

Have you had the difficult conversation about your father, about how his actions affect you? Its something to consider when you feel strong enough to do so. I'm sad to read about your mother and the victim syndrome. I know how it looks.

As a man it is hard to know when to say I love you without getting funny looks from people etc. I understand though that its something that would mean the world to you and I hope you can find that connection with your family soon.

Are you heading to uni soon, or college....? These are opportunities to slightly reinvent yourself.

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