Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Call me selfish or stupid for thinking this but i am not overreacting, I just can't go on with my life at the minute. Day after day i feel so bad, so alone, so out of place. It isn't me following a trend, i mentally and literally feel pain.
    Every day is a struggle, it takes so much energy to make myself continue, and no one is there to support me.

    I spent the whole summer in hospital, it was the worst experience in my life, i thought i was going to be a tough guy and get through it. I did get through it. But its just tipped me over the edge. I nearly died with a huge respiratory problem (my lung collapsed again and again). This is on top of everything else which has happened to me. Except now, i still have to battle all the pain and breathing problems. At least if i am not alive i would be able to sleep instead of waiting for a long time before i can do so. At least i would not have to be snidely mocked, on top of this pain, for my skin colour. And yes, i also get mocked for my health, behind my back.

    Being a foreigner isn't easy here in a area with just white people (and the odd few foreigner). It is terrible, i get weird looks as well as being totally ignored. And no, it is not my social skills which are wrong. This just makes me feel really **** every day. I wake up and I have nothing to look forward to apart from long stays in the library in college and wandering about.

    The family, well it started all of this off. To summarise a long story.
    I was abused from an early age.
    The earliest i can remember, being beaten in the morning at home by my ******* father and then having to go to school with bruises that were covered up. Yes, i got laughed at by my father for my bruises. I told my teachers about what happened at home where i was beaten with clocks, belts, a table (once), pieces of metal. My father denied it every time and acted all civil, nothing was ever done. I suffered until i was old enough to fight back. He hated my 'good looks', and for that it was justified.

    Amongst all this i was sent to my cousins house where the same thing happened but it was also a lot more emotional attacks based, no one stood up for me. I was brushed aside apart from a few friends who have now ignored me for several years.

    On top of all that, I was bullied so much in school.

    Fast forward to today and my father reminds me all of time when he would 'outmuscle' me. Emotional taunts now, towards my mother too.
    And my dear Grandma, who wanted to see her fatherland for the last time, she even paid for it herself, but was not allowed to go. She died, the most precious lady in my life, and she wanted to die the night before she went to hospital, i never saw her again. I wasn't allowed to. I want to continue for her, but i just feel like stopping my life would mean not worrying. I have been accepted into the best universities for the best course out there but for what? I just don't know.


    I don't know why i am writing all of this down to be honest, it doesn't change anything. I have a choice, i know. But i don't think i will find what i am looking for...the only thing i am living for which takes away this pain is pulling women, and even then society will hate me. I can ignore them and look down on them though and return to my fatherland, and **** a lot of girls here and in Europe before i go back forever.

    However, I just know pain and it isn't going to stop.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I'd go to a doctor to seek help... seems like you're suffering from a little bit of depression, as for your low energy problem, I suggest you buy a mars bar or a piece of kendal mint cake for when you're feeling low - both are full of sugar and an invaluable source of energy
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Talk to someone. And I know why you're writing it down, you want to get it off your chest.
    Phone the Samaritans and talk until you can't talk anyone. There's always a way out; things ALWAYS get better. Please keep telling yourself that.
    It sounds like you've had an awful, awful time, but you sound like a nice, good natured person, and you've got plenty to live for.

    Do something to take your mind off it: read a good book, listen to happy music, cook, do anything you can think of.

    You may not believe it, but I do understand to a certain extent. Obviously everyone is different, but I do know how it feels to think you have nothing.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I don't want a doctor, i don't need any more pills which is all he'll do to help.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    That it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, things change.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I think I know who you are. You posted a couple of days back I think another thread with different details. You are obviously having a tough time of it, and you don't have your friends around any more to help get your through it, and you family, well, obviously aren't helping.

    You need to get some sort of someone to talk to. Whether you ask the Doctor for referral to a counsellor or try and make some new friends. Do you have a job? That might be a good way to make some new friends. Or do some volunteer work. And then you might also meet some more of the ladies you so desire to pull.

    Everytime you post you seem to feel bad about your skin colour, that you are different because of it. You also say you feel out of place, or like you have lost your place in your group. You also say you have been accepted at uni for a course you want to do. Uni will be your new beginning. You can be whoever you want to be. Everyone is of different races and they all hang out together. I don't know of any racism at my uni really. You can be the alpha male if that is what you want. And if you have been accepted it can't be more than 10 months til you will be at uni. 10 months. That's it.

    For now, cheer yourself up by going to visit your friends at uni. See them, cos this will cheer your up, but also experience a bit of uni life to inspire you to hang on for a little bit longer, before you can be free of this oppressive home life, and can start again and be whoever you want to be. Get someone to talk to, get some help with your health, and think of your grandma. You obviously loved her very dearly and feel devastated at her loss. Imagine she was still here. What would she say? I can only speculate but I guess she would want to see you happy and to make the most of your opportunities and to graduate.

    If you want to talk, PM me. I won't reveal your identity.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by lemily)
    I think I know who you are. You posted a couple of days back I think another thread with different details. You are obviously having a tough time of it, and you don't have your friends around any more to help get your through it, and you family, well, obviously aren't helping.

    You need to get some sort of someone to talk to. Whether you ask the Doctor for referral to a counsellor or try and make some new friends. Do you have a job? That might be a good way to make some new friends. Or do some volunteer work. And then you might also meet some more of the ladies you so desire to pull.

    Everytime you post you seem to feel bad about your skin colour, that you are different because of it. You also say you feel out of place, or like you have lost your place in your group. You also say you have been accepted at uni for a course you want to do. Uni will be your new beginning. You can be whoever you want to be. Everyone is of different races and they all hang out together. I don't know of any racism at my uni really. You can be the alpha male if that is what you want. And if you have been accepted it can't be more than 10 months til you will be at uni. 10 months. That's it.

    For now, cheer yourself up by going to visit your friends at uni. See them, cos this will cheer your up, but also experience a bit of uni life to inspire you to hang on for a little bit longer, before you can be free of this oppressive home life, and can start again and be whoever you want to be. Get someone to talk to, get some help with your health, and think of your grandma. You obviously loved her very dearly and feel devastated at her loss. Imagine she was still here. What would she say? I can only speculate but I guess she would want to see you happy and to make the most of your opportunities and to graduate.

    If you want to talk, PM me. I won't reveal your identity.

    Cool, it is just hard to motivate myself. Because the physical pain is continuous which ***** my head up even more. I just don't know how to deal with it, i don't have a girlfriend like before who i could confide in. It's just solid struggling; and yes my colour is not a problem i accept that. However, at my college it seems to be. I'm a social guy outside of college, everyone wants to have drinks for me when i visit the local pub, but its just a break from the hurt.

    What has kept me going is sex, music and my academic interests. And a blind hope that tomorrow might just be better, I suppose this site is a break from thinking about things, i can take the piss out of people (my friends) like i use to. I'm going on holiday next week, hopefully my friend there and the girls i meet will make me realise something, i just don't know what that is yet. Hope dictates my feeling that it will be something ******* brilliant but i just want to know how i can stay on top of this...there are days where i want to just take a lot of pills and go to sleep.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't want a doctor, i don't need any more pills which is all he'll do to help.
    Not necessarily.
    Besides, you need help and you want it, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. Depression is an awful thing and very serious, which is evident from the title of your thread- you MUST go and see the doctor. They can't force you to do anything, and when depression gets very serious people often need extra help to get themselves out of it.

    Please, just go and see the doctor, I've seen what can happen when things are not dealt with properly in situations like this, and it's just horrible. :console:
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    [...] there are days where i want to just take a lot of pills and go to sleep.
    Can there ever be justification for carrying out such permanent 'solutions'? I'd advise you strongly against any form of suicidal attempts, and although life may seem pretty ****** now, just think of the future and don't reflect on your past - that's how great minds are formed.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    You sound like you're suffering from depression. So although the way you feel is completely real to you, its being exacerbated by depression which is actually an illness in itself. I know you're reluctant to take more medication to sort it out, but it will probably help, and its not like you'd have to take them forever- they'll just give you some help to tide you over and help you sort out the issues making you feel so bad. It sounds like it would also be worth you talking to a professional about your past because you don't seem to be able to put it behind you. Thats not something any of us can help you do, there aren't answers or excuses for why it happened and I you're just torturing yourself by going over it.
    I don't know what your lung condition is but it sounds like the sort of thing that can be sorted out and isn't life threatening.
    If people at college are horrible, confront them or consider leaving/changing classes if its making you feel this bad.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Call me selfish or stupid for thinking this but i am not overreacting, I just can't go on with my life at the minute. Day after day i feel so bad, so alone, so out of place. It isn't me following a trend, i mentally and literally feel pain.
    Every day is a struggle, it takes so much energy to make myself continue, and no one is there to support me.

    I spent the whole summer in hospital, it was the worst experience in my life, i thought i was going to be a tough guy and get through it. I did get through it. But its just tipped me over the edge. I nearly died with a huge respiratory problem (my lung collapsed again and again). This is on top of everything else which has happened to me. Except now, i still have to battle all the pain and breathing problems. At least if i am not alive i would be able to sleep instead of waiting for a long time before i can do so. At least i would not have to be snidely mocked, on top of this pain, for my skin colour. And yes, i also get mocked for my health, behind my back.

    Being a foreigner isn't easy here in a area with just white people (and the odd few foreigner). It is terrible, i get weird looks as well as being totally ignored. And no, it is not my social skills which are wrong. This just makes me feel really **** every day. I wake up and I have nothing to look forward to apart from long stays in the library in college and wandering about.

    The family, well it started all of this off. To summarise a long story.
    I was abused from an early age.
    The earliest i can remember, being beaten in the morning at home by my ******* father and then having to go to school with bruises that were covered up. Yes, i got laughed at by my father for my bruises. I told my teachers about what happened at home where i was beaten with clocks, belts, a table (once), pieces of metal. My father denied it every time and acted all civil, nothing was ever done. I suffered until i was old enough to fight back. He hated my 'good looks', and for that it was justified.

    Amongst all this i was sent to my cousins house where the same thing happened but it was also a lot more emotional attacks based, no one stood up for me. I was brushed aside apart from a few friends who have now ignored me for several years.

    On top of all that, I was bullied so much in school.

    Fast forward to today and my father reminds me all of time when he would 'outmuscle' me. Emotional taunts now, towards my mother too.
    And my dear Grandma, who wanted to see her fatherland for the last time, she even paid for it herself, but was not allowed to go. She died, the most precious lady in my life, and she wanted to die the night before she went to hospital, i never saw her again. I wasn't allowed to. I want to continue for her, but i just feel like stopping my life would mean not worrying. I have been accepted into the best universities for the best course out there but for what? I just don't know.


    I don't know why i am writing all of this down to be honest, it doesn't change anything. I have a choice, i know. But i don't think i will find what i am looking for...the only thing i am living for which takes away this pain is pulling women, and even then society will hate me. I can ignore them and look down on them though and return to my fatherland, and **** a lot of girls here and in Europe before i go back forever.

    However, I just know pain and it isn't going to stop.
    Life is about pain. But it's also about joy and happiness. You just happen to have had a lot of bad luck at once, surely the fact that you survived shows something, you're meant to be here.Somewhere in the future there will be things you'll enjoy, you will be happy eventually, you just have to put it all down to experience and carry on as hard as that may be.

    Don't give up :console:
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TheMeister)
    Can there ever be justification for carrying out such permanent 'solutions'? I'd advise you strongly against any form of suicidal attempts, and although life may seem pretty ****** now, just think of the future and don't reflect on your past - that's how great minds are formed.
    I agree. To exercise your liberty to take your own life is to cut off all future potential for happiness and fulfillment.

    I felt like you did for years, I thought it was normal. One day I mentioned to a friend that whenever I stood on a station platform, I had such strong urges to jump under a train, and sometimes I scared myself a bit when I really felt like I was going to do it. She assured me that these are not normal thought patterns. Now I take Citalopram. It changed my life! Go and see a GP and be honest.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: November 13, 2008
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What's your favourite Christmas sweets?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.