The Student Room Group

Should I continue things with my bf

Okay so I wanted to post this on reddit but it won't let me sign up lol, but the premise of my problem is that I don't know if I'm asking too much from my bf. At the start of the summer we spoke about things we can improve upon, but slowly he has come up with reasons not to work on some of the things I had asked for. They're small things like going on nice dates, flowers, goodnight messages etc and overall he's great as a partner it's just frustrating that he refuses to do things that he knows I like and expects me to be fine with it. Not sure whether it's a big deal
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
Okay so I wanted to post this on reddit but it won't let me sign up lol, but the premise of my problem is that I don't know if I'm asking too much from my bf. At the start of the summer we spoke about things we can improve upon, but slowly he has come up with reasons not to work on some of the things I had asked for. They're small things like going on nice dates, flowers, goodnight messages etc and overall he's great as a partner it's just frustrating that he refuses to do things that he knows I like and expects me to be fine with it. Not sure whether it's a big deal

How long have you two been together and do you really like him for him? And do those things really need those things or is it because he does not do them?
Reply 2
Well he is as he is - It's that simple and you have to take him as he is or leave it.

Some guys just don't do flowers or the mushy stuff, they are as they are and you won't change them. But maybe he shows his love for you in other small ways?

I know you say 'the things we can improve upon' but that does sounds very much like the things 'you' want him to improve on?

It's always good to have a yearly relationship MOT and heart to heart about how you feel about everything. But the deciding factor here is whether you can take this man just as he is and don't expect him to change (because that is asking too much) He might bail out of your relationship because of the constant pressure of being expected to do things he is just plain uncomfortable doing, and that might cause him too much pressure going forward.
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you. :smile:

Ask yourself:
Does your bf still meet all your dealbreakers?
Do you feel that he listens to you and genuinely considers the suggestions & comments that you make?
Has he given sensible reasons that let you know why he doesn't want to work on some of the things that you have asked for?
Has he ever broken promises, bluffed you or tried to fob you off?
Do the two of you still share a mutual attraction and some ambitions?
Good luck!
Original post by bobi23
How long have you two been together and do you really like him for him? And do those things really need those things or is it because he does not do them?


we've been together for a year and eight months! hmm that's a good take but I do think they're things I would like, generally I feel like I don't ask for much
hmm this is true! when we're together its usually great but for the most part we do long distance so I feel effort in showing love in other ways is necessary, he does also have his own list of things he had asked from me!

I think the underlying fear is perhaps he doesn't like me enough to do these things for me?

thank you for the reply though, very good perspective!
these are good questions! tbh his reasonings usually consists of "its not normal to him, or he doesn't see its importance so he won't do it"
its annoying bc at the start of summer he put a lot of effort in to improve and now its almost back to square one
Original post by Anonymous
Okay so I wanted to post this on reddit but it won't let me sign up lol, but the premise of my problem is that I don't know if I'm asking too much from my bf. At the start of the summer we spoke about things we can improve upon, but slowly he has come up with reasons not to work on some of the things I had asked for. They're small things like going on nice dates, flowers, goodnight messages etc and overall he's great as a partner it's just frustrating that he refuses to do things that he knows I like and expects me to be fine with it. Not sure whether it's a big deal


He's a lazy git break up with him
Original post by Anonymous
Okay so I wanted to post this on reddit but it won't let me sign up lol, but the premise of my problem is that I don't know if I'm asking too much from my bf. At the start of the summer we spoke about things we can improve upon, but slowly he has come up with reasons not to work on some of the things I had asked for. They're small things like going on nice dates, flowers, goodnight messages etc and overall he's great as a partner it's just frustrating that he refuses to do things that he knows I like and expects me to be fine with it. Not sure whether it's a big deal


Nobody's perfect.
Disney romances are a fantasy. Nobody in the real world has a romance that's just like a Disney movie.

Going on nice dates. Yes it's important, the longer the relationship goes on to go on nice dates or mini adventures. You can take the iniative in arranging these. Aim for days or evenings or week-ends out or away that will be enjoyable for him as well as you. EG going shopping together may be torture for him and great for you, so don't go on that type of date if that's the case.
If he's too much of a stick in the mud and too excessively boring and stuck in his routine with you, then that would be a valid reason to break up with him. If he resists your sense of adventure too much, then it makes sense to dump him and find a more imaginative and adventurous man.

Flowers. The issue with you asking him to give you flowers is that if he then does it he may feel that he's supplicating too much. And that you will lose respect for him if he bows down to your wishes in this area.

Goodnight messages. He may feel that it's more sensible to have a great time when he's with you and to leave you to get on with your life when you're apart. Messaging you goodnight is too clingy. No goodnight messages combined with him being boring company when he's with you would be a bad combination. No goodnight messages combined with him being good company when you're together is a great combination.

The other small things you'd like him to change - are they all in a similar vein to the above 3?

The keys to a great long term relationship are to ensure you're with someone that's compatible in the major things. The important things where there are no work-arounds. EG how many children you will have together.
And to use work-arounds for all the other incompatabilities. EG buy yourself flowers if you want flowers. And work on your self esteem and self confidence. That may sound harsh when put like that. But yes a lot of these work-arounds do involve the deployment of cold hard logic.
The work around for the goodnight messages is to look at worthy things to fill your life with when you're not with him and to focus on them when you're alone. And to work on your self confidence and self esteem. And also to work on doing things that he finds fun / interesting / pleasurable when he's with you, so that you know the love bond from him to you will still be there when you're apart. And that he will be thinking of you in a nice way when he's away from you.
Original post by Anonymous
Okay so I wanted to post this on reddit but it won't let me sign up lol, but the premise of my problem is that I don't know if I'm asking too much from my bf. At the start of the summer we spoke about things we can improve upon, but slowly he has come up with reasons not to work on some of the things I had asked for. They're small things like going on nice dates, flowers, goodnight messages etc and overall he's great as a partner it's just frustrating that he refuses to do things that he knows I like and expects me to be fine with it. Not sure whether it's a big deal

Nice dates and flowers can be expensive - are you both working in decent jobs?
I am rubbish with gifts - my OH puts loads of thought into them, finds things that echo great trips we have taken. He gets flowers delivered - they are lovely but my practical brain is saying that I could have used the 50 quid on nice flowers from the supermarket several times over!
I am the ideas person for trips/holidays/activities. I do all the planning that he would hate (and mess up).
We work very well together - he doesn't expect romantic gestures from me and I don't expect him to devise a weekend away.

Do these missing things really matter to you or are they just evidence of a dissatisfaction with your relationship generally.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Nobody's perfect.
Disney romances are a fantasy. Nobody in the real world has a romance that's just like a Disney movie.

Going on nice dates. Yes it's important, the longer the relationship goes on to go on nice dates or mini adventures. You can take the iniative in arranging these. Aim for days or evenings or week-ends out or away that will be enjoyable for him as well as you. EG going shopping together may be torture for him and great for you, so don't go on that type of date if that's the case.
If he's too much of a stick in the mud and too excessively boring and stuck in his routine with you, then that would be a valid reason to break up with him. If he resists your sense of adventure too much, then it makes sense to dump him and find a more imaginative and adventurous man.

Flowers. The issue with you asking him to give you flowers is that if he then does it he may feel that he's supplicating too much. And that you will lose respect for him if he bows down to your wishes in this area.

Goodnight messages. He may feel that it's more sensible to have a great time when he's with you and to leave you to get on with your life when you're apart. Messaging you goodnight is too clingy. No goodnight messages combined with him being boring company when he's with you would be a bad combination. No goodnight messages combined with him being good company when you're together is a great combination.

The other small things you'd like him to change - are they all in a similar vein to the above 3?

The keys to a great long term relationship are to ensure you're with someone that's compatible in the major things. The important things where there are no work-arounds. EG how many children you will have together.
And to use work-arounds for all the other incompatabilities. EG buy yourself flowers if you want flowers. And work on your self esteem and self confidence. That may sound harsh when put like that. But yes a lot of these work-arounds do involve the deployment of cold hard logic.
The work around for the goodnight messages is to look at worthy things to fill your life with when you're not with him and to focus on them when you're alone. And to work on your self confidence and self esteem. And also to work on doing things that he finds fun / interesting / pleasurable when he's with you, so that you know the love bond from him to you will still be there when you're apart. And that he will be thinking of you in a nice way when he's away from you.

Thanks for your reply!

tbh I do most of the date planning and even with goodnight messages I've become accustomed to not getting them and it doesn't bother me so much. I think my issue is with the principle, we both came up with things we wanted and instead of continuing to progress he's gone back to not trying so much, but you are right I enjoy when we're together and when we used to live together it was easier for him to show love the way he knows how
Original post by ReadingMum
Nice dates and flowers can be expensive - are you both working in decent jobs?
I am rubbish with gifts - my OH puts loads of thought into them, finds things that echo great trips we have taken. He gets flowers delivered - they are lovely but my practical brain is saying that I could have used the 50 quid on nice flowers from the supermarket several times over!
I am the ideas person for trips/holidays/activities. I do all the planning that he would hate (and mess up).
We work very well together - he doesn't expect romantic gestures from me and I don't expect him to devise a weekend away.

Do these missing things really matter to you or are they just evidence of a dissatisfaction with your relationship generally.


We're both students! He has argued this before but I don't necessarily want expensive dates or flowers just gestures to show he's thought something out

and I'm actually not sure, I think perhaps they've been enforced as a standard around me so I've adopted them as expectations too but my general concern is that he doesn't want to do much

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