I'm in the third week of my second term at university, and so far I've been loving it. But now the honeymoon period is over and the sudden realisation that I actually have to be able to help myself and learn all by myself has set in.
I had a lot of reading to do last term, but only did about a tenth of it. So, as you can imagine, my exams didn't go too well in the first week of this term, which sucks because they count for a quater of the first year, which itself counts for a third of my total degree. I've also been getting D's and E's in my assignments (non-assessed, thank God). I feel like a complete failure.
I always thought that I'd be really studious at university and be able to juggle a social life and academic responsibilities, but it's gone completely wrong for me. I've never been as depressed as I was at the end of last term. I was missing seminars, lectures, homeworks, just generally in a huge mess. I went to see my supervisor, and I swore I'd change this term. But so far, that hasn't happened either.
When I pick up a book and start reading, I immediately convince myself that I'm not going to be able to understand anything, and so I never carry on. I'm completely down and negative about everything at the moment, even about the way I think.
It's not even as though I miss my family and taking care of myself away from home, I've always been a negative person, it was the way I was brought up. I got AAA at A-level, so it's not as though I'm not capable of sitting down and revising hard. I'm feeling tense all the time, and it's affecting the way I feel about myself and my friends.
I'm always playing catch-up with myself, and I know that if I don't start knuckling down soon, I'm gonna fail my summer exams and get thrown out of this place. I never want that to happen, yet still, I never do anything to stop it. It's an inbuilt negativity that stops me from achieving anything right now.
I spend hours and hours every day just doing small, insignificant things (e.g., chatting on MSN, watching films, sleeping, thinking). I haven't achieved anything worthwhile this way and it makes me feel crap inside, because I know I should be working. And pretty soon I start slipping down a spiral of shame and self-hate and negitivity.
I see the other people on the corridor working and getting good grades, I just wish I could be a good, well-rounded student. But I have too many hang-ups at the moment to make myself become the person I want to be.
I just don't know where to go from now, or whether it's too late to start anew and catch up with the reading. I just don't have the skill or the discipline to get myself into a proper routine and be forceful with myself.
I feel like crap .....