The Student Room Group

Ask me Anything?

Hi

I'm a Dad to two:

Daughter 18 at University and Son 21 at University
So, they have been through entire process School, College, University with them, pains etc and fully supportive as a parent.

Ask ANYTHING you would like an alternative parental view on

Good Luck

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my mum doesn't like any of my friends, but they aren't bad people..why do you think she feels that way?
How important was a well known university when your kids came to you for the first time?

At what point should parental financial support stop?
Reply 3
Original post by mushroomy014
my mum doesn't like any of my friends, but they aren't bad people..why do you think she feels that way?


HI @mushroomy014

Parents can sometimes make unfair assumptions based on what or how your friends act and look and may worry they could be a bad influence on you.

I am not sure of your age, but that situation remains for a good time until as a parent we think our offspring can make more informed and better judgements about who they may befriend and hang around with.

Your mum feels the way she does because she deeply cares about you and worries you could be influenced by the wrong crowd. It’s a parental thing, we don’t ever stop worrying about you no matter what age.

My Daughter is nearly 19 and drives a car at home and currently at University, I still worry sick about her, I try not to think about clubs, boys and who she might be meeting its frightening I can tell you as a parent but you hope by the time they are a bit older they are more wise to situations.

The best advice I can give you is to see if your mum would have say one of your friends that you specifically like over, perhaps just a quick hello and chat and help her understand a bit more about them and why they are a good friend, it might help paint a more positive picture about them and in turn you mum may gain that bit more confidence regarding your friend choices and that you can make good decisions.

Its tough now but will get better, Good Luck
Original post by LsDad
HI @mushroomy014

Parents can sometimes make unfair assumptions based on what or how your friends act and look and may worry they could be a bad influence on you.

I am not sure of your age, but that situation remains for a good time until as a parent we think our offspring can make more informed and better judgements about who they may befriend and hang around with.

Your mum feels the way she does because she deeply cares about you and worries you could be influenced by the wrong crowd. It’s a parental thing, we don’t ever stop worrying about you no matter what age.

My Daughter is nearly 19 and drives a car at home and currently at University, I still worry sick about her, I try not to think about clubs, boys and who she might be meeting its frightening I can tell you as a parent but you hope by the time they are a bit older they are more wise to situations.

The best advice I can give you is to see if your mum would have say one of your friends that you specifically like over, perhaps just a quick hello and chat and help her understand a bit more about them and why they are a good friend, it might help paint a more positive picture about them and in turn you mum may gain that bit more confidence regarding your friend choices and that you can make good decisions.

Its tough now but will get better, Good Luck


okay thank you so much!
@Son of the Sea I recall you had a question about badges earlier you wanted to ask...?
What are your thoughts about baby on board badges??
my mum uses the fact that she is very overprotective as an excuse for a lot of things eg. going thru my phone all the time (reading texts, not letting me clear them until she has read them), not letting me have any form of social media until i get a smartphone (currently have a nokia till im 16 - i am 16 i will hopefully be getting one for xmas), always needing to know where i am and who im with every hour as well as what im doing she also tends to ask for my friends numbers and saves them in her phone for safety. whats your opinion on this?
Reply 8
Original post by mnot
How important was a well known university when your kids came to you for the first time?

At what point should parental financial support stop?


@ mnot - Great Questions
Q1 University Choice
Initially, I did the usual of looking at league tables for the subject with the complete university guide. Obviously, it doesn’t tell you everything, but I got a feel for what was RG and what was outside of that and a rough idea of where they all ranked.

What I really didn’t appreciate was how comfortable my son initially might find the University and course. I was pushing him (unfairly) to apply for the top ranked choices without considering much else which I deeply regret (bad advice). In reality his employability post degree the ranking excepting the likes of Oxford and Cambridge actually made little difference in reality.

Initially for my son I was foolishly pro the top Universities he got offered a place at St Andrews and I was hell yea go for that son. He wanted to accept University of Birmingham and Insurance of Keele; in truth I was disappointed. He went to UOB but hated it, he wanted to leave. He completed the first year and then switched University to Keele to continue the same course from year 2. He loved it and was incredibly happy with the move choice to the lower ranked University.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if I was advising a parent now, I would say, forget the ranking, look at student satisfaction, go and visit and if your son daughter likes that University and positive feel for it then let them make that decision. Rankings are NOT the most important factor; they really are not.

When it came to my daughters turn, I took her to the open days she made her selections on where she wanted to be, feel for the university and course and I specifically did not even try to influence her on rankings. She made a good choice and is really enjoying it.

Parents all around the UK I suspect will be making the initial same mistake I made. Greater awareness required.

Q2 Parental Finance
I think the parents own financial standing has to be a factor. For me I consider it my duty to make up the short fall between the maintenance loan and the cost of living and accommodation whilst at university and after continuing to save for them until self sufficient.

I don’t like the fact that maintenance loans are means tested on the parent and some parents either via choice or due to own financial position don’t make up the short fall.

In my specific case I actually intend to keep saving money for them in ISAs, LISAS and savings until age 30. I know other parents wont share that view but I feel due to the cost of property I want to do all I can to help them ultimately get on the property ladder.
I also treat both equal. If I save a sum of money for my son, I do the exact same for my daughter. My daughter wanted a car, and I gifted her the money and the insurance cost. I saved the exact same amount for my son.

In some cases you can blame life laundry, the parents own parents did little and they feel the child should stand on own feet financially early on. I cant do that, I would hate for mine to make the wrong career and life choices just on financial reasons alone.
As I say, these are exceptional circumstances as I know numerous parents who do little to help or just not in a position to help their son or daughter but this is my call.

So, in answer to your question, financial support will never stop for my two as long as they need it, and I can afford it. I am the parent after all, and they are my world.
Reply 9
Original post by Son of the Sea
What are your thoughts about baby on board badges??


Baby on board Badges that’s an Interesting one

Personally I think they are a total waste of time, majority of motorists just totally ignore them.
I kind of feel like they are just an advert to say “look at me I have a child, didn’t I do well”
Nobody gives a sh1t IMO

But hey, if you like them go for it. Not for me really to comment on personal choice, so ignore if my reply offends.
Original post by LsDad
Baby on board Badges that’s an Interesting one

Personally I think they are a total waste of time, majority of motorists just totally ignore them.
I kind of feel like they are just an advert to say “look at me I have a child, didn’t I do well”
Nobody gives a sh1t IMO

But hey, if you like them go for it. Not for me really to comment on personal choice, so ignore if my reply offends.

No, I have the same opinion as you! @Serene Dreams
I read somewhere that Baby on Board badges were initially supposed to be used so that in case of a crash, emergency responders would know to look for a baby among the wreckage.

Of course it totally negates the whole point when parents fail to remove the sign from the car when the baby isn't actually travelling with them.

That wasn't a question though. As you were!
Original post by Son of the Sea
No, I have the same opinion as you! @Serene Dreams

I won't lie, seeing a parent repeat what you said earlier is so surprising lmao I didn't think it was a thing! Hmm. Also, it would be such a bizarre thing to want to 'show off' that you are a parent so it just never crossed my mind that that may be why some women wear them.
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 13
Original post by viktorismyplant
my mum uses the fact that she is very overprotective as an excuse for a lot of things eg. going thru my phone all the time (reading texts, not letting me clear them until she has read them), not letting me have any form of social media until i get a smartphone (currently have a nokia till im 16 - i am 16 i will hopefully be getting one for xmas), always needing to know where i am and who im with every hour as well as what im doing she also tends to ask for my friends numbers and saves them in her phone for safety. whats your opinion on this?

Hi Ok.
That’s sounds a little bit controlling and probably going that extra mile.

I have never personally gone through my son or daughters phone messages, I have given them that space, although saddened when I learned that a friend of my daughters was sending nudes and you know as a parent you already know that’s stupid and likely to end in misery but you cant police your children 24/7 they have to grow and have own space to learn.

As you get older your mum will be less invasive into your life. I can fully understand her wanting to know where you are and who you are with, that’s good parenting. I would be shocked if she didn’t care. Having a number is also a good thing, I totally get you wont like that but its good safety. She is a good parent doing that.

The social media thing is a worry for all parents because we know there are predators about that can do your children harm and that scares us, it really does. That will be her concern.

I would say to you to have a chat with your mum, explain that you are more mature for your age and not stupid, you are over 16 would like the smart phone for Christmas and can be trusted. You are growing older now you are not going to go off or communicate with ANYONE you don’t know and she doesn’t need to worry.

She will still worry of course, that’s just how it is but she may just increase your space

Good luck, its tough for parents as well as students you know!
Original post by LsDad
@ mnot - Great Questions
Q1 University Choice
Initially, I did the usual of looking at league tables for the subject with the complete university guide. Obviously, it doesn’t tell you everything, but I got a feel for what was RG and what was outside of that and a rough idea of where they all ranked.

What I really didn’t appreciate was how comfortable my son initially might find the University and course. I was pushing him (unfairly) to apply for the top ranked choices without considering much else which I deeply regret (bad advice). In reality his employability post degree the ranking excepting the likes of Oxford and Cambridge actually made little difference in reality.

Initially for my son I was foolishly pro the top Universities he got offered a place at St Andrews and I was hell yea go for that son. He wanted to accept University of Birmingham and Insurance of Keele; in truth I was disappointed. He went to UOB but hated it, he wanted to leave. He completed the first year and then switched University to Keele to continue the same course from year 2. He loved it and was incredibly happy with the move choice to the lower ranked University.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if I was advising a parent now, I would say, forget the ranking, look at student satisfaction, go and visit and if your son daughter likes that University and positive feel for it then let them make that decision. Rankings are NOT the most important factor; they really are not.

When it came to my daughters turn, I took her to the open days she made her selections on where she wanted to be, feel for the university and course and I specifically did not even try to influence her on rankings. She made a good choice and is really enjoying it.

Parents all around the UK I suspect will be making the initial same mistake I made. Greater awareness required.

Q2 Parental Finance
I think the parents own financial standing has to be a factor. For me I consider it my duty to make up the short fall between the maintenance loan and the cost of living and accommodation whilst at university and after continuing to save for them until self sufficient.

I don’t like the fact that maintenance loans are means tested on the parent and some parents either via choice or due to own financial position don’t make up the short fall.

In my specific case I actually intend to keep saving money for them in ISAs, LISAS and savings until age 30. I know other parents wont share that view but I feel due to the cost of property I want to do all I can to help them ultimately get on the property ladder.
I also treat both equal. If I save a sum of money for my son, I do the exact same for my daughter. My daughter wanted a car, and I gifted her the money and the insurance cost. I saved the exact same amount for my son.

In some cases you can blame life laundry, the parents own parents did little and they feel the child should stand on own feet financially early on. I cant do that, I would hate for mine to make the wrong career and life choices just on financial reasons alone.
As I say, these are exceptional circumstances as I know numerous parents who do little to help or just not in a position to help their son or daughter but this is my call.

So, in answer to your question, financial support will never stop for my two as long as they need it, and I can afford it. I am the parent after all, and they are my world.


Thanks, incredibly detailed and interesting perspective.
1) I very much agree with, and i do think this takes experience to realise (unfortunately lots of schools don’t help out here with better advice).
2) I don’t think their is a right answer, it’s ultimately about means & picking what you believe to be best for you and your family.. people have different solutions but it’s always interesting to learn other perspectives. I think it’s about brokering the balance between support and maximising your child’s life & giving them the capability to be independent & stand up for themselves. Im still a fair way from having to make these decisions myself.
Hello would anyone recommend going to halls or to a private landlord
Reply 16
Original post by Jackieflo
Hello would anyone recommend going to halls or to a private landlord


In the first year i would recommend Halls every time, get to know people quickly in the halls, branch out via clubs etc etc
Year two move out to private
If it's not possible to secure halls in year one, fair enough make it work but if you have a choice i would go Halls every time
Good Luck
Reply 17
Original post by mnot
Thanks, incredibly detailed and interesting perspective.
1) I very much agree with, and i do think this takes experience to realise (unfortunately lots of schools don’t help out here with better advice).
2) I don’t think their is a right answer, it’s ultimately about means & picking what you believe to be best for you and your family.. people have different solutions but it’s always interesting to learn other perspectives. I think it’s about brokering the balance between support and maximising your child’s life & giving them the capability to be independent & stand up for themselves. Im still a fair way from having to make these decisions myself.


@mnot
When you do make those decisions, your viewpoint changes,
Being a parent is no longer about you, your priority switches over and in most cases becomes all about next gen, doing the best you can by your children.
Good Luck
My parents forced me to break up with a girl I genuinely loved, and I was devasted for months after, all because she was oriental, and they didn't like her race. I still continue to hold resentment for parents, despite me having sorta got over it. Should I forgive my parents, and what should I do, knowing that this will likely occur again in the future?
Do you think that the British and USA dating & hookup environments for 18-35 year olds have become very complicated or downright weird places over the last two decades?
Online and irl.

Faceapp, heavily edited selfies using photoshop or filters, sending random strangers unsolicited nude photos, clusters of online daters with minimum height dealbreakers above 6'3 or maximum dress sizes, sneaky jerks bringing their mother along on the date without any warning beforehand or organising half a dozen back to back dates with unsuspecting women in one night like Justin Schweiger in Washington DC bar. :laugh:

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