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Boyfriend upset - don't understand... watch

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    Me and my boyfriend have both (luckily) started at the same uni this year (collegiate - so we're in different colleges) and it's been tricky figuring everything out but we've sort of settled in now and it's going well. but the last week we've been having a few issues, largely jealousy ones on his part, but I don't really understand it.. He basically gets really 'uncomfortable' when I get very drunk at parties with people in my college and if I dance with other guys in a friendly way or whatever.

    I've explained that I really really don't fancy any of these people and he says regardless that he feels uncomfortable. Also I'm trying to see him a bit less at the moment as I have a tendancy to just want to stay in, curl up and watch a movie with him when I'm tired and stressed, but think I should make an effort to make lots of friends.. but he doesn't really get it and says that he feels like he's getting in the way of my new life and that he's being pushed to the sideline.

    This probably makes him sound really paranoid and annoying, but I also feel like he's got a point. I don't want to go into loads of examples cos it's boring but sometimes I don't want him there as he DOES get in the way - he's not good with new people so it's kinda hard introducing him to my new mates, especially the guys who I think he judges. Sometimes I just don't want him there cos I have more fun without him and he's not there watching me when I'm chatting to guys - I know this sounds awful but I've been accused of being a bit of a flirt before (really unintentional) and so I just get paranoid and worried about my own behaviour.

    Has anyone got any advice? I don't know who's right, or how to go about it solving this? I love him a LOT and really want to stay with him so please don't tell me to break up with him and unless you really feel that's the right way to go... thanks in advance for any help at all!!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my boyfriend have both (luckily) started at the same uni this year (collegiate - so we're in different colleges) and it's been tricky figuring everything out but we've sort of settled in now and it's going well. but the last week we've been having a few issues, largely jealousy ones on his part, but I don't really understand it.. He basically gets really 'uncomfortable' when I get very drunk at parties with people in my college and if I dance with other guys in a friendly way or whatever.

    I've explained that I really really don't fancy any of these people and he says regardless that he feels uncomfortable. Also I'm trying to see him a bit less at the moment as I have a tendancy to just want to stay in, curl up and watch a movie with him when I'm tired and stressed, but think I should make an effort to make lots of friends.. but he doesn't really get it and says that he feels like he's getting in the way of my new life and that he's being pushed to the sideline.

    This probably makes him sound really paranoid and annoying, but I also feel like he's got a point. I don't want to go into loads of examples cos it's boring but sometimes I don't want him there as he DOES get in the way - he's not good with new people so it's kinda hard introducing him to my new mates, especially the guys who I think he judges. Sometimes I just don't want him there cos I have more fun without him and he's not there watching me when I'm chatting to guys - I know this sounds awful but I've been accused of being a bit of a flirt before (really unintentional) and so I just get paranoid and worried about my own behaviour.

    Has anyone got any advice? I don't know who's right, or how to go about it solving this? I love him a LOT and really want to stay with him so please don't tell me to break up with him and unless you really feel that's the right way to go... thanks in advance for any help at all!!

    Story of my life......

    Its not about whether you fancy them or not, you should also respect how he feels. He maybe also worries about what could happen with these other dudes if you got really drunk.If he's uncomfortable with you doing all that you could then at least not do it so much. My boyfriend is the exact same way, and I kinda flirt too.
    But going out and doing all that behind his back is actually worse, imagine what would happen and how he would feel if he found out. I say you should compromise, maybe you should party a little less and give him and your relationship extra attention, sometimes its about attention, could be why he might be a little insecure. Then in return he'll be more willing to let you hang out the way you like to.
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    Meh i'd usually try avoiding dating girls like you two. Sure you can have friends and go out but...getting drunk at parties, dancing and flirting with other guys AND you DONT want him to be there? firstly it sounds like theres a bit more to the story and secondly i really wouldn't be okay with my girlfriend doing that.

    Also you said " dont tell me i should break up with him ". HES NOT THE PROBLEM
    Hes not going out getting drunk and flirting with girls while telling you, sorry you cant come cuz ur socially awkward. Its not you that should break up with him. Its him that should break up with you. And lets say you were doing all that cuz you wanted friends? firstly you should always try to introduce your bf/gf to your friends eventually...in any relationship especially if you hang out with ur friends a lot.. so you dont have to chose who to hang out with. Secondly you seem kind of ashamed to show him to people, seriously i totally get where hes coming from. I feel bad for the poor bloke dating you
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    The problem is however nice and friendly you think it all is, he knows how other guys think. The unintentional flirting makes it worse. He cant tell you what to do, but you should understand where he's coming from, and frankly some guys are too insecure to deal with this as even the best of us can get jealous at times.

    If its just a month at the start of the academic year and then you plan on settling down a bit after making new friends though you can probably ride out his displeasure and placate him temporarily.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He basically gets really 'uncomfortable' when I get very drunk at parties with people in my college and if I dance with other guys in a friendly way or whatever.
    What do you expect, OMD I don't understand how he could tolerate you or how you could act like this and claim to love him. My boyfriend wouldn't take such ********.
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    (Original post by skyler8)
    What do you expect, OMD I don't understand how he could tolerate you or how you could act like this and claim to love him. My boyfriend wouldn't take such ********.
    But... you just said... " My boyfriend is the exact same way, and I kinda flirt too. "... im just really confused right now.
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    yea but, i dont get very drunk at parties and start dancing with random guys. My boyfriend is a jealous guy so even a little flirting drives him up the wall, and I don't get carried away. What anonymous does is plain disrespectful.
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    (Original post by Zamolxes)
    Meh i'd usually try avoiding dating girls like you two. Sure you can have friends and go out but...getting drunk at parties, dancing and flirting with other guys AND you DONT want him to be there? firstly it sounds like theres a bit more to the story and secondly i really wouldn't be okay with my girlfriend doing that.

    Also you said " dont tell me i should break up with him ". HES NOT THE PROBLEM
    Hes not going out getting drunk and flirting with girls while telling you, sorry you cant come cuz ur socially awkward. Its not you that should break up with him. Its him that should break up with you. And lets say you were doing all that cuz you wanted friends? firstly you should always try to introduce your bf/gf to your friends eventually...in any relationship especially if you hang out with ur friends a lot.. so you dont have to chose who to hang out with. Secondly you seem kind of ashamed to show him to people, seriously i totally get where hes coming from. I feel bad for the poor bloke dating you

    :ditto: i kinda have to agree with this one. when i was with my ex i tried as best as possible not to talk to other girls in front of her. I know how it feels when you see your other half with the opposite gender and what's more worst together alone...jealousy!!
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    (Original post by newman24x)
    :ditto: i kinda have to agree with this one. when i was with my ex i tried as best as possible not to talk to other girls in front of her. I know how it feels when you see your other half with the opposite gender and what's more worst together alone...jealousy!!
    If you agree give me REP DAMIT GIVE ME REP!! Lol kidding :P, give me rep!
    And also i know we should try being more understanding, but I dont really see the purpose of your bf/gf flirting with other people, getting drunk and possibly doing even more with them, while explicitly not being welcomed/invited at the party. And in terms of jelousy i'd say im about average. A lot of people have way more problems dealing with small things. I think this is a bit too much, but then again this applies if you're actually looking/wanting a serious relationship. If both parties understand its casual/open then this is cool. Just my two cents.
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    (Original post by Zamolxes)
    If you agree give me REP DAMIT GIVE ME REP!! Lol kidding :P, give me rep!
    And also i know we should try being more understanding, but I dont really see the purpose of your bf/gf flirting with other people, getting drunk and possibly doing even more with them, while explicitly not being welcomed/invited at the party. And in terms of jelousy i'd say im about average. A lot of people have way more problems dealing with small things. I think this is a bit too much, but then again this applies if you're actually looking/wanting a serious relationship. If both parties understand its casual/open then this is cool. Just my two cents.

    lol i was going to +rep you but i'd already give it to someone else. Why don't you give me one instead lol
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    I used mine up :P
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    I'm one of those annoyingly faithful girls. Don't even look twice at brad pitt me
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    Well, assign regular times to go on 'dates' together, but also make friends?

    I worry why you're supposed to get jealous of your partner talking to other people - surely you trust them? And if it's irrational - deal with it! Not up to you to take it out on them!

    That said, gotta respect him too, it's a balance. Make sure you have regular snuggletime, and Iloveyouyou'reawesometime.
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    Sounds like you are a bit embarrased by him. Not good really.
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    (Original post by skyler8)
    yea but, i dont get very drunk at parties and start dancing with random guys. My boyfriend is a jealous guy so even a little flirting drives him up the wall, and I don't get carried away. What anonymous does is plain disrespectful.
    they're not random guys, they're my best friends.. and it's not like I'm grinding with them, I just mean silly dancing around a room or something, just generally having fun, chatting, and spending time with anyone that isn't him bothers him. How is this disrespectful? If he's there, I'll always spend most of the time by his side, sometimes I just want to see other people too.

    (Original post by newman24x)
    i kinda have to agree with this one. when i was with my ex i tried as best as possible not to talk to other girls in front of her. I know how it feels when you see your other half with the opposite gender and what's more worst together alone...jealousy!!
    You didn't talk to other girls? Does nobody else think that sounds so controlling?? I thought relationships were about respecting each other but also about having your own lives and friends too.

    I feel like I phrased my op badly. The reason I wrote "please don't tell me to dump him" is I've written a previous thread about this issue a month or 2 ago and everybody told me to break up with him, so I wanted to pre-empt that and really highlight my own faults. I can give examples where he told me I don't need to wear such short skirts and lots of makeup (I wear hardly ANY) and he gets angry if anybody hits on me at all. Like whether or not I've encouraged it, if anyone comes over and makes a pass at me he gets so so stressed out and the night is then ruined.

    I don't go and flirt with everyone actively, I'm just friendly to my mates and he just doesn't like it. His best girl friend sends him very very flirty texts and clearly likes him yet I don't care cos I trust him, we just find it funny.

    It really is a problem, I appreciate everyone telling me to respect him more and so I will really attempt to make sure my behaviour to friends can't be viewed as flirty by him, but it is my natural behaviour. I'm apparently "flirty" to gay guys, girls, teachers (embarrassing!) - I'm just smiley, bubbly and quite a touchy-feely person with people I know well I guess - I don't go round feeling people up, wearing slutty clothes and winking at guys or anything lol.

    I don't want to become a recluse for him that's all. he says he isn't worried anything is going to happen AT ALL (as in he totally trusts me), he's just "uncomfortable." Argh oh well.
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    (Original post by emmarainbow)
    Well, assign regular times to go on 'dates' together, but also make friends?

    I worry why you're supposed to get jealous of your partner talking to other people - surely you trust them? And if it's irrational - deal with it! Not up to you to take it out on them!
    That said, gotta respect him too, it's a balance. Make sure you have regular snuggletime, and Iloveyouyou'reawesometime.
    I'm really glad someone else thinks this too!!

    Also thanks for your advice, I think I will try and make more time to see him properly so that he feels loved. I try to do this already but maybe he feels neglected thank you!
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    My girlfriend is a bit of a flirt and it drives me crazy. He is not in the wrong, if you love him you need to take his insecurities into account.

    I would feel horrible if my girlfriend didnt want me to come to these things, as if she wanted to appear single?

    Sort your priorities right, your boyfriend is worth more than getting drunk and making him jealous with flirting and dancing.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My girlfriend is a bit of a flirt and it drives me crazy. He is not in the wrong, if you love him you need to take his insecurities into account.

    I would feel horrible if my girlfriend didnt want me to come to these things, as if she wanted to appear single?

    Sort your priorities right, your boyfriend is worth more than getting drunk and making him jealous with flirting and dancing.
    Like I said, I think I phrased my op wrong. I have had several months of us going out together, say to a party or something, and him getting jealous when I talk to anybody else, literally just talk, so it's got to the point now where I'd rather separate the two - as in spending time with my boyfriend and spending time with my mates as I can't really combine the two. I don't want to appear single, these people are my very good friends so they obviously know I have a boyfriend and have met him loads of times...

    I try really hard to understand his insecurities and be more considerate, but I really just don't know how. That's why I'd really like some advice rather than lots of criticism about how I'm a terrible person for drinking alcohol and chatting to my friends..
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Like I said, I think I phrased my op wrong. I have had several months of us going out together, say to a party or something, and him getting jealous when I talk to anybody else, literally just talk, so it's got to the point now where I'd rather separate the two - as in spending time with my boyfriend and spending time with my mates as I can't really combine the two. I don't want to appear single, these people are my very good friends so they obviously know I have a boyfriend and have met him loads of times...

    I try really hard to understand his insecurities and be more considerate, but I really just don't know how. That's why I'd really like some advice rather than lots of criticism about how I'm a terrible person for drinking alcohol and chatting to my friends..
    You say you're a "very flirty person," if so maybe your bf is misinterpreting these "talks." If so, maybe you need to tone it down a bit, you've got to compromise here.
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    Op, you sound like one of my friends, she is naturally flirty and will flirt with anyone, even unintentionally.

    Maybe the next time you go to a party, take your boyfriend with you and introduce him to your mates. Then he might not be so worried/jealous.
 
 
 
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