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    I need some advice on if, and how, to try and rebuild my relationship, please.

    Let me take you from the beggining;

    We'd been together for 6 months at uni, something which suprised everybody - let alone both of us. We are both friendly and flirty, so had to trust each other 100%. It was very firey and we had numerous small arguments but always made up with about 2 hours and we were a strong relationship.

    2 months in two of her best mates said "chose him or us." She chose me and lost both mates.

    She started a new job in september and one of the managers (a year above her on her course) was being very very friendly, too friendly for my liking. He knew about me and knew that we were a couple but was pushing her to meet him all the time and being wayy to flirty for my liking. Other people noticed it and there have been numous jokes about him sleeping with her.

    Her friends dont see the good side of our relationship at all, they only see the bad side on the whole, when she wants to chat. Hence they dont have the best oppinion of me, but they DO know that we both love each other and were generally a strong relationship.

    The last few days have been rocky, but things were good by thursday evening. We spent the whole day in bed and I thought things were back to normal "post argument" us.

    When her mates asked if we (Ie me and her) were still together she said that we were "trying to sort it out." Easier for her to say that than just come out and say yes because they wouldn't take kindly to that. They have been trying to make her split up for ages.

    She went out to a club and got hammered that evening. She was going to go into work to see him afterwards (they are about 2 mins appart) so he was SOBER as he had been working all evening.

    He said he couldnt do that but would she like to come round afterwards to his. She agreed, but at this point there was NO hint of anything sexual between them.

    Her best mate then text him off her phone with "Have you got condoms." My girl didnt know about this til next morning.

    At the end of the night, all of her mates were like "Yeah go back to XXX's" and she felt like they were saying go to his or we wont be your friend.

    She went back almost unable to walk, he gave her more alcohol and basically pushed her into sex. Not rape, but as close as you can get. I know she didnt go there with intention because she sent me a text saying she loved me while she was on his sofa.

    Next morning one of her mates text her with "I heard you slept with XXX, well done" and her best mate came into her room while she was in tears and asked what was wrong.

    The whole situation is majorly ****** up and has been ******* with my head.


    Sorry for the really long post, but I need all the advice I can get. You see, I can make sure he wont touch the girl again. I can forgive her over time, but there is nothing I can do about her friends if they are going to be like that. I do feel like im trying to go out with 6 people, and its just not working. The more I think the less I can see a way to make it work, or the less I want to make it work again.

    Advice.... pretty please. Major reppage on offer. Thankyou.
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    if she honestly doesnt want it to happen again, then she just has to keep away from her 'friends'

    all there is really
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    agreed. unfortunately it really does seem like a case of you over them, but i think its you thats going to be making the decision. If her friends persist, and no matter how much you love her, it's still getting in the way, then it might be an idea to go on a break. this will give you time to think, and her time to assess whether she should be letting her mates come between you two.

    sorry mate
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    her mates are the jealousy type im guessing? which is why they gave her the ultimatum him or us? so does that mean she ditched them a lot for you?
    if she didn't and she was equally seeing you both then they are not good friends and she should realise that ALTHOUGH thats not for you to say really because it will seem you are trying to break them up and make them dislike you more..
    with the manager thing why doesn't she just talk to him and explain to him she is with you and she loves you? will she lose her job or something i don't understand why she hasnt done that already?
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    My advice; walk away before it gets worse. It sounds as if you've got a team of people working against you so just end it. I've been in situations where a girls friends have decided that I'm not good enough, you just can't win.
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    (Original post by ChemistBoy)
    My advice; walk away before it gets worse. It sounds as if you've got a team of people working against you so just end it. I've been in situations where a girls friends have decided that I'm not good enough, you just can't win.
    yeah but why dont they like him?! i dont get it.. unless theyre jealous
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    (Original post by Lisa.22)
    yeah but why dont they like him?! i dont get it.. unless theyre jealous
    Could be lots of reasons other than jealousy, clash of personalities, interests, politics, socio-economic group, drining habits, etc.
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    (Original post by ChemistBoy)
    My advice; walk away before it gets worse. It sounds as if you've got a team of people working against you so just end it. I've been in situations where a girls friends have decided that I'm not good enough, you just can't win.
    Yea, but friends generally only see the bad side of things. girls are much more likely to say 'he said this which was really selfish' as opposed to 'oh he did this for me which was really sweet'. Its not that she thinks less of you, but he mates are going to have a skewed pecreption of the person.

    At least thats the way i think it works :p:
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    (Original post by SmallTownAlex)
    Yea, but friends generally only see the bad side of things. girls are much more likely to say 'he said this which was really selfish' as opposed to 'oh he did this for me which was really sweet'. Its not that she thinks less of you, but he mates are going to have a skewed pecreption of the person.
    Depends on the people in question. If your gf only mentions you to her friends in order to whinge about you then they might think that, but then again if she talks about you more generally then they won't. Also if you have 'your' friends and 'her' friends and don't have much crossover then you are more like an intruder, for example. My example was that I started seeing a girl I randomly met in a club and so I suddenly appear as 'the boyfriend' from nowhere, her friends were instantly suspicious and didn't really like the fact that I went to a certain school, etc. They were really quite horrible to me most of the time, making snide remarks and trying to get her to see other guys who were in their friend group. It was a long time ago but I still reserve a special place in the palace hatred for those *****es, even though the relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway.
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    (Original post by ChemistBoy)
    Could be lots of reasons other than jealousy, clash of personalities, interests, politics, socio-economic group, drining habits, etc.
    well thats what i mean he hasnt told us why they dont like him :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by Lisa.22)
    yeah but why dont they like him?! i dont get it.. unless theyre jealous
    I think they are a bit jelous. But they are also very very protective of her, and dont want her to be hurt. Becuase they only see the bad sides of our relationship at times they think im some **** who's just messing arround with her and doesnt really care. Its a shame they dont see us happy, because for the 90% of the time its the best realtionship in the world.

    I wouldnt say she ditched them alot for me, we tried to make sure that everybody had time with their own friends, between Uni, both of us having bar jobs for 2 eveings a week, and trying to see each other when we could. They came out with phrases like "Your more fun when your single" which hurt her a hell of a lot. They have been trying for a while to make her break up with me, and I really dont see why they cant accept that if im good enough for her then they should just be happy? Its not as if she needs looking after that much anyway, very confident, outgoing and independent.


    (Original post by Lisa.22)
    with the manager thing why doesn't she just talk to him and explain to him she is with you and she loves you? will she lose her job or something i don't understand why she hasnt done that already?

    As for the manager, she's told him on about 4 occasions with the words "We are just friends it will never go further" but he didnt seem to get the message at all. On monday I wanted to give him a good talking to to reinforce that message, but because she pleeded otherwise, against my better judgement I let it ride. Hes useful to her though, in that he can help with Uni work and give her nice easy shifts at the bar. Doesnt help that she is a very flirty girl by nature, so didnt think what she was doing was out of order.

    (Original post by SmallTownAlex)
    then it might be an idea to go on a break
    We are on a break in that I've said its over.

    (Original post by ChemistBoy)
    My advice; walk away before it gets worse. It sounds as if you've got a team of people working against you so just end it. I've been in situations where a girls friends have decided that I'm not good enough, you just can't win.
    Looks that way. Easier said than done though.
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    (Original post by ChemistBoy)
    My example was that I started seeing a girl I randomly met in a club and so I suddenly appear as 'the boyfriend' from nowhere, her friends were instantly suspicious and didn't really like the fact that I went to a certain school, etc. They were really quite horrible to me most of the time, making snide remarks and trying to get her to see other guys who were in their friend group. It was a long time ago but I still reserve a special place in the palace hatred for those *****es, even though the relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway.
    Ohh... mine was a "random" pull in a club in that I had never spoken to her, or even knew of her existance before hand. It just seemed to work from there. I always get the feeling that I dont know them well enough to see the nice side, and they wont let me be friends in order for them to see it. If that makes sence.

    I also think they dont understand it. Its so charged and firery, barely a week goes by without some form of domestic. But it works. We both enjoy it that way becuase its not boring. It just works......
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    (Original post by SmallTownAlex)
    Yea, but friends generally only see the bad side of things. girls are much more likely to say 'he said this which was really selfish' as opposed to 'oh he did this for me which was really sweet'. Its not that she thinks less of you, but he mates are going to have a skewed pecreption of the person.

    At least thats the way i think it works :p:
    Indeed, they always twist everything to make me sound ****. Yet non of them have ever said that I dont make her happy, they all agree I do make her happy.

    Its weird because her guy mates, her ex's, etc, are all like me (jock-ish) and understand me completly. We get along really really well, its just the girls.
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    cant you arrange to see her friends to talk to them.. have you tried talking to them... say how much you like her and you really want it to work with her. ask them to give you a chance and try to get to know you?
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    (Original post by SmallTownAlex)
    Yea, but friends generally only see the bad side of things. girls are much more likely to say 'he said this which was really selfish' as opposed to 'oh he did this for me which was really sweet'. Its not that she thinks less of you, but he mates are going to have a skewed pecreption of the person.

    At least thats the way i think it works :p:
    True...
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    (Original post by SmallTownAlex)
    Yea, but friends generally only see the bad side of things. girls are much more likely to say 'he said this which was really selfish' as opposed to 'oh he did this for me which was really sweet'. Its not that she thinks less of you, but he mates are going to have a skewed pecreption of the person.

    At least thats the way i think it works :p:
    This is very true! It's never intentional, but girls do tend to highlight the bad side. I think it's perhaps because the time you really need to talk to someone about your relationship is when you're frustrated, angry, upset, or needing advice - if you're super loved-up and happy, you don't really need your friends as a sounding board.

    OP, you've said you think you can forgive her over time - if you think that's possible, then I think that's what you need to work on. Your (ex) girlfriend was already given an ultimatum by these friends (I assume they're the same friends), and she chose you - I agree that it makes it tricky if your friends dislike your partner, but by no means does that mean it's worth giving up on. All that needs to be done is to assign separate 'friends' and 'partner' time, which it sounds like you two did (as opposed to some relationships where the two groups mingle if everyone gets along with everyone else!).

    I don't think staying on at her job is the best plan of action. As she's slept with him once, I would imagine he'll be pestering her again. She did walk into it - her being naturally flirty, her friends taking the joke further (which suggests she'd said something to them?), arranging to meet him when she knew she'd be completely wasted - are you absolutely sure there's nothing between them? I ask as I think it's definitely worth checking, I don't mean to imply anything.

    I think you need to have a very in-depth chat with her, and ask exactly what it is she wants, what you want, and perhaps bring her friends into it too. Why do they dislike you so much? You've said they're jealous and over-protective, so make more of an effort with them. Perhaps arrange a night where you can spend time with them all as well as your girlfriend, so they can get to know you. A lot of guys in your situation would completely back off and avoid any contact with them whatsoever, I'm not sure what you did but it sounds like it may be this. If that's the case, then they made their initial perception of you and had no reason from thereonin to change it - only add to it, if your girlfriend used to bad-mouth you to them. I'd also DEFINITELY ask your girlfriend not to do that anymore, as it can cause huge problems.

    I don't know what to suggest OP apart from what I've written - I feel for you, I hope it goes well. All the best x

    Edit: I re-read it and I realise it reads as if I've contradicted myself, so I'll add a note here. I think you should attempt to get along better with her friends, but if over time they appear to be just as hostile and unaccepting, then the separate meetings would be the best way forward in my opinion. Sorry!
 
 
 
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