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    As some know from yesterdays post I met up with the ex who cheated on my 2 months ago. We spoke as friends and got on fine. I had to meet her to give her the laptop charger but we ended up spending an hour with each other just talking. This is a change because this time last month I was giving her abuse.

    Today I text her and asked if she wanted my Only Fools and Horses DVD collection. I did it because a) she is going through a hard time coping with what she did (she is drinking and stuff) and b) because she doesn't go back to work until January and said she is finding life boring.

    Now here is the stupid part. I have put a letter in one of the DVD's explaining how I feel. I am pretty certain she wants to get back with me at some point, she said she really misses me and regrets doing what she did. She threw alot of hints towards me last night.

    I am still not clear on what I want. My family are shocked at what she did but they all say we was made for each other and a stupid mistake shouldn't break what we had.

    I can't speak directly to her about this.

    I don't know if I am letting myself down here by doing this. From your point of view should I just move on and remain friends with her? I am happy now with university, I am involved in a research project that requires alot of dedication and time on the computer and in books. I am not sure if getting back with her would mess all this up.

    From the readers opinion, an honest one, what would you do?

    Right now I can live without her. But then I could possibly also live with her.
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    It's also worth noting I am a bit stupid around girls. I will spend lots of money and rearrange my life to make them happy ... which is probably a bad thing at the moment.
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    Yeah don't be such a pushover
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    Yeah don't be such a pushover
    I am a pushover, I have to admit. So you think I should just forget it and leave her to regret what she did?
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    Try and forge a friendship before you even think about anything romantic. She needs to know you were very hurt by what she did, but more importantly, you need to have forgiven her for what she did, to the point where you never throw it back in her face days/weeks/months/years later if you do get back together. Forgiveness is the hardest part.
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    (Original post by lemily)
    Try and forge a friendship before you even think about anything romantic. She needs to know you were very hurt by what she did, but more importantly, you need to have forgiven her for what she did, to the point where you never throw it back in her face days/weeks/months/years later if you do get back together. Forgiveness is the hardest part.
    Yeah I know what you are saying. I have totally forgiven her. I know mistakes happen, I have done so many in my life.

    But its deciding if it's worth it not. A relationship requires large amounts of time and right now I don't have that time to put into one.
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    You shouldn't even be talking to her... You need time and space to get over her, and then perhaps you can be friends... Don't get back with her.
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    (Original post by cascadingstylez)
    Yeah I know what you are saying. I have totally forgiven her. I know mistakes happen, I have done so many in my life.

    But its deciding if it's worth it not. A relationship requires large amounts of time and right now I don't have that time to put into one.
    So you need to tell her that she hurt you badly, but that you have forgiven her, and that you still love her very dearly as a friend, but that even as friends she has to earn your trust and respect. So like I said, build up the friendship again. See eachother no more than once a week, maybe have a movie night at home, or go have lunch...this should fit in with your lack of time at the moment which she has to understand is your life at the moment. She also cannot expect you, no matter how bad things are going for her at the minute, that you will drop back into your super supportive role that you once were as her boyfriend/friend because a) it isn't the same as it was before, and b) you don't have time (nor the obligation) to be her everything and to make things better when they go wrong. She needs to find other people to support her in her life, and this will make her grow as a person too. Like you have mentioned, 5 years is a long time and in that time she would always (I expect) turn to you to help make things better, for her own validation and self esteem, and to help her through her problems. And maybe in you always being there for her, she missed out on some important self growth of her own, and figuring things out for herself. She needs to do this, so next time when things get tough, she has someone else to turn to as a friend, rather than cheating on you. She will know how to manage herself better.

    So yeah, keep in touch, see eachother sometimes, but be aware you cannot, nor is it your job to fix her, and she shouldn't ask you to. She will come out of this a better person (not that she isn't a good person, don't get me wrong. I don't know her or anything) and then maybe eventually, in 6 months or so, you can evaluate whether you like the person she has become. How she handles her life, and you, over the next 6 months will tell you a lot about her.
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    (Original post by lemily)
    So you need to tell her that she hurt you badly, but that you have forgiven her, and that you still love her very dearly as a friend, but that even as friends she has to earn your trust and respect. So like I said, build up the friendship again. See eachother no more than once a week, maybe have a movie night at home, or go have lunch...this should fit in with your lack of time at the moment which she has to understand is your life at the moment. She also cannot expect you, no matter how bad things are going for her at the minute, that you will drop back into your super supportive role that you once were as her boyfriend/friend because a) it isn't the same as it was before, and b) you don't have time (nor the obligation) to be her everything and to make things better when they go wrong. She needs to find other people to support her in her life, and this will make her grow as a person too. Like you have mentioned, 5 years is a long time and in that time she would always (I expect) turn to you to help make things better, for her own validation and self esteem, and to help her through her problems. And maybe in you always being there for her, she missed out on some important self growth of her own, and figuring things out for herself. She needs to do this, so next time when things get tough, she has someone else to turn to as a friend, rather than cheating on you. She will know how to manage herself better.

    So yeah, keep in touch, see eachother sometimes, but be aware you cannot, nor is it your job to fix her, and she shouldn't ask you to. She will come out of this a better person (not that she isn't a good person, don't get me wrong. I don't know her or anything) and then maybe eventually, in 6 months or so, you can evaluate whether you like the person she has become. How she handles her life, and you, over the next 6 months will tell you a lot about her.
    Oh everything changes now. A friend knows this kid and spoke to him. She slept with him 3 times whilst we together and she only told me once.

    This changes everything. I don't want to meet her now.
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    (Original post by cascadingstylez)
    Oh everything changes now. A friend knows this kid and spoke to him. She slept with him 3 times whilst we together and she only told me once.

    This changes everything. I don't want to meet her now.
    Do you know who's telling the truth though? Think carefully about that. I'm not saying your friend is lying, or your ex is lying or that this fella she left with is lying, but think very carefully about who to believe, and information that comes via more than one person. Confront her with it perhaps.
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    can't be arsed to read all of the above, so my, possibly already said, 2 pence.

    If you don't trust her become friends with her, if you then feel you do trust her as you once did, then she may be more suitable as a partner. If you don't feel you can trust her, it's probably best to not be with her unless you think you'll start to trust her more soon. Make sure you get what you need out of any relationship, it's half about you,half about them. That means don't make your life revolve around them, but be prepared to make them a huge part of your life, and hope they do the same.
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    just read the sleeping thing, ask her about it, in person, and if she says once and you don't believe her, don't get back with her, if she says once and you do, maybe, if she says three times, well, I have no idea what to advise.
 
 
 
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