Another one of my long threads...

Ok, just started thinking last night, and kinda wrote everything out... Just wondering what you guys think on this...

Go away. The two words that I’ve always feared the most. And somehow I’ve been hearing them all my life. Maybe it’s time I act on them? Act. Its all my life has been for god knows how long. Acting in the limelight of life. And suddenly that limelight has turned me into a shrinking violet. I was in the limelight the last time those two words were uttered. With one other person. As they say, two’s company. A conversation, so civil, between someone who hates seeing anyone hurt, and someone that’s been hurt so much it’s unbelievable. I still don’t know who was playing which role. But when there’s only two roles, things get thrown completely when a third person joins in. Like the saying goes. Two’s company, threes a crowd.

Crowd: A gathering of people. Often to the extent of too many people, thus causing an unpleasant situation. For some people, this could better be defined as a nightmare. Too many people in a confined space. But then for some people, the crowd is in their head. Sometimes it’s a peaceful crowd. A crowd where there are very few conflicting views, and any conflicts are solved logically. But then occasionally, an outside piece of information sets off a riot.

For me, two words do it every time. “Go Away”. “Go away” translates in some people’s head as “we don’t want you here”. “We don’t want you here” then translates into the more sinister “We don’t care”. “We don’t care” then translates into the frightening “if you disappear, it wouldn’t make a difference to us”. Which then translates into the terrifying question “why don’t you disappear”. Which leads me back to a very sinister phrase that was used against me not so long ago. “Why don’t you go home and die. No one would miss you”.

This is the one phrase that plays over and over in my head to an extent I can’t explain. When you reach certain levels, you look back at the negativity you’ve received with a sort of two fingers up at the world approach. And that phrase is the one I try to scream “screw you” at as much as possible. But then there’s the fall. When you fall, you reach the bottom. And that’s where the most sinister thoughts and words lie.

Falling. Such a strange experience. When you’re actually falling, you want the experience to be over. But then on impact, and for a while after, you wish you were still falling. It’s the physical pain against emotional pain… Almost the self-harmer emotional and physical pain debate. The whole “is it easier to deal with physical pain?” question. But when the only falling you’re experiencing is emotional, you start wondering if you have hit the bottom yet and just keep running back up the stairs for more, or if you’re attached by some emotional bungee cord. And then emotions bring such a physical experience with them.

The physical side of emotions is such a strange one. Ask anyone how they feel before a stage performance, or a first date, and so many people will answer about a feeling in their stomach. Often the phrase used is butterflies. Ask someone who is worried how they feel, there’s the whole sick to the stomach phrase. A suicidal person may often explain (if you can get them to open up verbally) that they feel as if the can’t breathe. Or that they too have that sick feeling. Or sometimes it’s the whole feeling of being crushed. Or worse still, they say they feel numb.

Numbness. It’s a feeling that could never in a million years be explained to the point that everyone agrees. But I’ll try anyway. Is it a feeling? Yes. It’s a feeling of a lack of something. A feeling that maybe you’re lacking a feeling. I’ve never been completely numb myself. But if you can’t feel anything physically, surely you feel emotionally scared? Is it possible to be both physically and emotionally numb at the same time and still be a perfectly functioning human being?

A perfectly functioning human being. Is there such thing? /and if so, how would we know it? Maybe our judgement of what’s perfect has been so distorted through the years that we no longer know. Maybe it’s the whole “different strokes” idea. What may appear to be a perfectly functioning human being to one person, may appear to be a complete freak of nature to the next, and just an average person to the third. Maybe we’re all perfect in our flawed little ways, and we need that one person to see it.

One person. To the world you may be just one person, but to one person, you may mean the world. Such a romantic idea, but is it possible? Does any one person have any idea how much the world means? And surely it doesn’t measure up to what one person means? Once again, it’s a case of perception.

Perception. The angle at which we see things. Maybe it’s the ability to think outside the box. The way in which we see someone, and the ability to see how someone else sees someone. Some people might even go as far to say “the ability to see how what we say might affect others”. The tread carefully theory.

Tread carefully? But why? Why spend your life worrying that what you say may cause offence or distress to another person? Maybe we’ve been getting it wrong all this time. Maybe we perceive things the wrong way. Maybe we need to stop thinking outside the box when it comes to what should be said. Who cares if it’s politically correct? Soon, all jokes will be ruled out because of the possibility of offending the person you’re sharing it with. What a tragedy to the world this would be. But the world has lost it’s sense of humour. We think too much about what we’re planning on saying before we say it. Or sometimes we don’t think at all, which takes everyone by surprise. Maybe we need to plan our reactions emotionally to what is said.

So my reaction to being told to go away? Sure, you might have got it right. I buggered off to a spot where I could think. Maybe this guy was wrong to tell me to go away, in what seemed like an unprovoked situation. But I’ll stand up now and admit I was wrong to shrink away. I just hadn’t had an opportunity to think how to react. So next time? I’ll stay there in an “I have as much a right as you, if not more, to be here… I’m working” manner. Stand my ground. I might seem to overreact at times. And people who know the real me may wonder why I put on such an act just to later let my guard down. Maybe actors are all we really are. We’re given a scenario and told to improvise. And sometimes we balls up. But this actress is still learning her lines. And when the curtain falls, I’ll have finally gotten it right.

Another one of my long threads...

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