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Am I (23F) in the wrong for my decision to do with my (25M) boyfriend and his family?

I don’t know where to start with this…

I am happily with my boyfriend now for just over 6 months, which is the longest I’ve ever been with someone physically ever and been happy and so comfortable and content.

There was a situation in regards to his sister, a bad bad one. Since day one of meeting her, I’ve got on well with her but always had some sort of gut feeling about her which I couldn’t pin point what.
Me and her at one point, 4 months into me and my boyfriend being together, got really close. She came over to my house a couple of times, I’ve always been nice to her, just like I am to everyone I meet, including his family. Well in just over 5 months of me and my boyfriend being together, there was a situation which happened.

Now, I haven’t always liked things she’s done and I can list some. First being first, the way she talks to people, including her boyfriend and own parents. (Weirdly enough, me and her boyfriend both have autism), but that’ll come in a different part of the story. She talks to her family so poorly, since she was 12, which my boyfriend told me she used to be so horrible during school around that age. She is 21 now, apparently not as bad as she was back then with her attitude and ways, but still isn’t great. She uses a lot of physical handling when communicating with others, being she will poke me at times which I don’t like, and apparently it is normal for her to hit people on the arm she likes, loves and cares about? The situation I am about to talk about was… I came over my boyfriends house to stay with him, as he had a bad foot injury the week or so before (from playing football one evening). I wasn’t working during the time and he wasn’t at work for a few weeks. Anyways I stopped over for the night, and not long of me being there, my boyfriend and his dad had to pop to the doctors, I was left at his house with his mum and the sister. I noticed that she recently must have changed her hair colour, as last time I saw her she was blonde, however her hair is now brown. I said to her that her hair looked really nice, because she was contemplating whether to recolour it or not. She then said “I’m not sure if I like it, but don’t tell my mum as she will say I told you so.”. I didn’t see her as being serious as she’s a very jokey person, or at least tries to be but I doesn’t go well. Me being autistic and all, not to blame everything on my autism but if someone tells me once not to say something, my mind fixates on it and I end up saying what was said. However, if I’ve been told a few times in a serious manner not to say a word, I won’t as I know it must be secretive. I jokingly said to the mum as she came into the room “Ahhh she doesn’t like her hair haha”, the mum laughed and walked back out of the room. The sister then slaps me around the face and not in a gentle manner either. I’m personally just shaken up from the situation. I don’t say anything and again, I always build things up before telling anyone how things really affect me, so I didn’t say anything to my boyfriend or anyone until the next day. I told my boyfriend about the situation the next day, at first he didn’t seem shocked until I said it was my face and it hurt. He said she tends to hit people on the arm, out of love - I’m sorry, what!?! Anyway, at this very point, I’m feeling yet again very anxious, my mental health wasn’t very good at that point, I was shaking. She was asleep during the day that day, as she was working nights the night before. I finally confront her in a calmly manner, not being rude at all.
I say to her “Look I didn’t appreciate you hitting me yesterday, it wasn’t nice and I feel like I am owed an apology.” All she said, in the rudest manner was “Well you shouldn’t have told my mum about my hair.”. I then said “But I was saying it in a joking manner, not to be horrible at all.” All she said was “Whatever” and stormed off. I felt so uncomfortable and wanted to go home, but my boyfriend insisted that I stayed a bit longer to calm down. So we went upstairs, as she was downstairs. The parents were out shopping at this time. Me and my boyfriend were chatting and just cuddling at this point. He said to me “You did the right thing, she is in the wrong here.”. Blah blah. Anyways, a bit later on the mum and dad come home, and his sister is going OFF on them, like crazy. She is screaming, shouting at this point, and blowing the situation way out of proportion. I told my boyfriend that I really appreciate his mum offering for me to have dinner, but I won’t be staying as I feel so uncomfortable. He understood and he went downstairs to tell his mum, leaving me upstairs. I hear his sister ****ging me off, saying things which aren’t even true about me. Saying “She is ungrateful, rude and horrible” yep, all about me. When all I’ve done is try to be nice to everyone, as I always do. I then go downstairs and say to her “I appreciate you saying them things about me” she says “Good” I say “I don’t know what your problem is with me, all I’ve done is be nice to you and your family, I can’t do this and I need to go home.”. She then says “Good, go.” In the most nastiest way. I literally run up the stairs crying, my boyfriend insists I don’t go just yet to calm down and not drive in a state. I stop crying after a while and I go home. I end up not going to his house for a while, like a WHILE. Which he understood.

However, he kept wanting me and her to move past and make peace, which I wasn’t having. I got pressured on the weekend of that week it happened, to apologise, even if I haven’t done “things wrong”, yeah apparently I shout in their house, I shout at everyone, I am ungrateful, rude and I look at her like she’s a piece of **** on my shoe apparently. No none of this is true and the fact she said in one message at a point “I am insecure and always think people have bad intentions”, “I don’t hit hard, but I hit my boyfriend all of the time and have hit my exes” then proceeds to talk about herself, being the “victim” which she has done the whole ******* time!!! I said sorry like 10+ times, but didn’t need to. I did it for my boyfriend, because I love and care for him more than anything and anyone and even though it’s not beneficial for me, if he’s happy that’s all I care about. However she wanted me to LIST everything I supposedly done wrong, which I didn’t to apologise. But instead because I said “I’m sorry for what I done”, that wasn’t good enough. Apparently I said she was a mental case when I explained to her that she wasn’t and that I wasn’t saying that, but said that when we feel low, we think and overthink of situations which aren’t true, as she isn’t doing the best mentally either. She called my boyfriend several times on his phone that weekend he stayed, telling him I need to apologise. He beforehand read the message I sent before even sending it and he said my apology was fine. She gets so angry again and then the mum and dad are on the phone to him after saying they left the house because she drove them crazy!? In their OWN HOUSE. Honestlyyyy, then the mum says “She (me) needs to apologise to make peace”. At the time I said to my boyfriend afterwards “**** off I’m sorry but no, I’ve apologised way too many times when I didn’t need TO!” Which he agreed but also he said he’s not taking sides. However he did say he’s more on my side, but me and her haven’t helped the situation apparently.

Anyway maybe a week or two later, me and the sister have a little chat and just try to resolve things in a civil manner (No, I won’t be anywhere near how I was with her before, as I’ll ALWAYS have my wits around me, always) even if we did apologise to each other. The main thing I’m not sure about, is… months ago, my boyfriends parents offered for him to go on holiday with them, as like w family holiday which he wasn’t too bothered about. They then said that they were thinking of doing a couples holiday, including me and the sisters boyfriend to come, as well as one of the dads friend who has a fiancé. At first, this was months prior to all of this big situation happening, I was all for it. The sisters boyfriend said quite soon after being offered that he won’t be going, as his routine will be messed up, which I do understand from another view with autism. However, my boyfriend and his family all see him as a ****, as well as other things apparently the boyfriend was done or “said”. I personally feel him on a level and feel bad for him.

However, all of what has happened, my gut feeling still isn’t sure. I was adamant I didn’t want to go, after this situation that happened because what if it happens again!?! Or something similar where none of my family is around, yes I still like to have my family around not miles and miles away in the sky thank you. Relationships are new to me. However, it is also really expensive for 10 days, and I won’t get much annual leave from my work if I was to have 10 days off, which is a long year. I was telling my boyfriend today that I’m not a hundred percent sure, I don’t want to mess him about as there’s a deposit put on it. When I was adamant about not going a while back when the situation happened, not even a couple of weeks later, my boyfriend asked one of his friends if they’d like to go instead. Which I told my boyfriend I didn’t like that at all, and felt like I was being replaced in a short space of time. He then defended himself and said that wasn’t it at all, and he wants it with me and only me, he wants to make the most memories he can with me, blah blah. However I said to him, I don’t feel all comfortable going on holiday with his family and none of mine and even if it’s a year of being together, it’s not that long. Also he doesn’t have to pay for the holiday, which is (£1,500 per person by the way!), instead his mum and dad are paying for him and his sister. He did say he would offer to pay £500 for me, meaning I’d still have a £1,000 to pay which I thought was nice but I don’t really want to spend that much if I’m not sure.

Also it just seems since I’ve been with him, he sister has been jealous at times, of our relationship maybe? Yes, her and her boyfriend argue a LOT, and the way she talks to him is shocking so so I blame him? Heck no. But apparently from the beginning when me and my boyfriend were in the dating phase, she didn’t like me, apparently she wanted to protect her big brother, yes her BIG brother. He’s 25 for crying out loud. My boyfriend has never been in a relationship before, he’s dated but he’s never wanted to get into a relationship with someone until he knows it’s right and who he wants to marry and spend his whole life with. Which I really am grateful for and still bless him for this day, that he chose me. He always says how happy I make him, as he makes me. However there was a time me and him played Mario kart and not with her, she said to him “Are you cheating on me?” Like I’m sorry? Who says that!?! Even if it’s a sister??? At the moment my boyfriend is a bit upset because I said I’m still not sure and he says it’s a bit annoying that I said yes, then no then yes and now a maybe no. But I said to him, my gut feeling is always right (which it is tbh, no joke) and I still am not sure and I have my needs which need to be considered. He said he wants to just spend time with me on that holiday and no one else, which sounds nice and all, but like I just can see it now, his sister trying to tag along to the younger couple (us) and just trying to come between us. Yes we may be civil, but I don’t like her anymore. And no, I haven’t seen her since the day that situation happened and tbh I don’t want to, not for a while. Again though, my boyfriend says “You can’t avoid her forever”. However, I still feel uncomfortable to stay at his house, as the parents didn’t do anything and don’t do anything to stop her being the way she is. Even if she is an adult, but if she’s been like this since she was 12!?! She needs help, and people know that but won’t say and she will never think to herself she needs help. I know I do at times, at least I own to it. I just can see now also, if I don’t go, the family will also see me as a bad person, like they see her boyfriend as. I am in a sticky situation, where I feel my boyfriend understands my needs but then yet tries to continue to guilt trip me and make me feel bad.

I still don’t feel comfortable going to his house, I feel again that I am made to go, as he doesn’t want me uncomfortable forever, however I’m not being able to have that time to heal. I went there last weekend, and even though she wasn’t there, I still felt I was in the way and the parents didn’t want me there in some way. I have to go there this weekend coming and I really don’t want to, especially as I will have to see her for a few hours on the Sunday. Also there was a time last week which won’t leave my mind - I was on a video call with my boyfriend one night, excited for our 6 month anniversary the next day. I was telling him about a new bra I bought and how it is supposed to help push my boobs up more. Now don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not one with big boobs, however when I tried to show him me wearing the bra, he said “It’s not like you have much for it to hold”, even if he WAS joking, he knows how insecure I am as a person and how an ex of mine said my boobs was small, so even If he’s sorry I’m just upset still.


TDLR: There was a situation with my boyfriends sister that has shook me for life and I’m not too comfortable around his family even if we are all civil. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to go on the holiday? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Any advice would be amazing, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Have a good day/evening/night to who reads this.
You are right. :smile:

Best to stay away from your bf's thuggish and vicious sister.
She's a future felon who will likely end up living off prison food for several years.
Don't let her ruin your relationship with your bf or ever get close enough to physically harm you again.
Good luck!
What do you think I should do?
Original post by londonmyst
You are right. :smile:

Best to stay away from your bf's thuggish and vicious sister.
She's a future felon who will likely end up living off prison food for several years.
Don't let her ruin your relationship with your bf or ever get close enough to physically harm you again.
Good luck!
You were 💯% right! I wouldn’t have gone either, it wouldn’t be a good idea especially if it could happen whilst you’re on holiday with them.
I think you need to talk to him but don’t let him guilt trap you ever. The whole boob thing is something that needs to be addressed, I think it’s sad.
Overall, She will be present no matter what( she could be at family functions) so you and him need to talk about your future.
Hope it all works out for the best. You can do this.
Original post by Anonymous
You were 💯% right! I wouldn’t have gone either, it wouldn’t be a good idea especially if it could happen whilst you’re on holiday with them.
I think you need to talk to him but don’t let him guilt trap you ever. The whole boob thing is something that needs to be addressed, I think it’s sad.
Overall, She will be present no matter what( she could be at family functions) so you and him need to talk about your future.
Hope it all works out for the best. You can do this.


Thank you so much, I just don't know what t do and I'm stuck.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you so much, I just don't know what t do and I'm stuck.


Tell him how you feel and take it from there.
Original post by Anonymous
What do you think I should do?

Have no contact with the sister and don't apologise to her for anything ever again.
Life is too short to waste your valuable time and energy on nasty negative individuals like her.

Always listen to what your common sense is telling you.
If you don't want to spend the money on the holiday or don't feel that now is the right time to be absent from work, that's fine.
Be honest with your bf.
Don't feel upset or replaced if he then chooses to go on the holiday with a friend or relative.
Good luck!

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