Tories Plan to Make History Compulsory for 16 yr olds (Spoof) Watch

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kingslaw
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History is blue. Discuss

John O'Farrell
Friday January 28, 2005
The Guardian

Yesterday the Conservatives announced that they would make the teaching of history compulsory up to the age of 16. Below is an exclusive preview of the proposed Tory history exam paper.
History (British Empire and 1966 World Cup final) compulsory GCSE

Please write on only one side of the paper as this uses up more trees. Give all your surnames - those at private school may use a separate piece of paper if necessary.

On completing the exam you will be notified by post of your failure because, frankly, too many children are doing well in exams, and what's the point in spending all that money if our kids don't come out top?

Part One

1. Who beat the French loads of times?

a) we did; b) we really whopped them big time; c) Agincourt, Blenheim, Waterloo, Eurovision song contest 1976; they never stood a chance! (You may tick more than one box - it's called multiple freedom of choice.)

2. Who beat the Germans in two world wars and one World Cup?

a) that would be us plucky Brits again; b) all on our own it was, with perhaps a little help from our good friends the Americans, but that's all, the Russian commies didn't do anything to help; c) Winston Churchill was a Tory, you know. And "Nazi" is short for National Socialist.

3. The abolition of the slave trade was:

a) "political correctness gone mad"; b) the only way to set quotas for immigrants coming into the empire; c) forced through parliament by the Islington liberal elite, who had no understanding of rural life in the colonies.


4. The olden days were much better because:

a) we began the industrial revolution without woolly environmentalists moaning about pollution and pandas and stuff; b) there weren't bureaucratic regulations preventing young people from seeking employment in the chimney sweeping industry; c) we used to win elections.

Part Two

Now look at the map of the British empire. Doesn't it make you feel good? See how big Canada looks. OK, move on. Write an essay on one of the questions below (those at state schools just paint some yogurt pots). Remember to use up your allocated time before you realise there is another whole section overleaf.

1. Imagine the everyday problems confronting an ordinary family from the olden days. For example, father is sacked by the factory boss for going on strike. Mother takes the sick children to the hospital, but is turned away. The family are evicted as they cannot pay the rent. Marks will be deducted for confusing this period with 1980s Britain.

2. Why was the Hundred Years War 116 years long? What does this say about the liberal teaching methods used for maths at the time? Describe how Conservative education reforms had improved numeracy by the time of the excellently titled Seven Years War.

3. Write a profile of any one of Britain's greatest modern leaders. You may praise any politician you wish, irrespective of when she was prime minister.

4. Write an essay explaining how Anne Boleyn should have made more effort to make the marriage work.

5. Describe the influx of Normans from France in 1066 with reference to what it tells us about security at the Sangatte detention centre.

Part three

You should now be one hour into your exam. It is likely that government education policy has changed during the past 60 minutes and another directive/press release has been dashed off, saying that something else is compulsory. Please check with your invigilator. It may be necessary for you to complete the rest of the paper while jogging on the spot because we've realised we had to cut PE to make room for history.

a) Explain how you have benefited from the compulsory teaching of history if it was a subject you would have chosen to drop. Is history more important than science, computer skills or foreign languages? Describe how a distorted, jingoistic view of history has held Britain back in Europe and has provided bogus moral authority to racists, football hooligans and the creators of 'Allo 'Allo.

b) Write an essay analysing the behaviour of British opposition parties who know they are heading for defeat. Why do you think they make headline-grabbing policy announcements that are not thought through? Why do they imagine the electorate will not perceive that they are clearly unready for government? Do you think Michael Howard knows anything about ordinary schools, and sent his kids to Eton (which did a fine job teaching history to Harry?) Was it good judgment to launch a campaign celebrating British conquests on Holocaust Memorial Day? And whose bloody idea was the slogan: "The Conservatives: They are history".
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kellywood_5
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I'm going to use my 1000th post to say this:

Blatant left-wing anti-Conservative propaganda! The Guardian is so biased, they don't even attempt to hide it!
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shootingstar
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oh my god!!!! that's the funniest thing I've read all day!
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Profesh
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Hilarious, notwithstanding the hyperbolic exaggeration
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Johnny 5
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(Original post by kellywood_5)
I'm going to use my 1000th post to say this:

Blatant left-wing anti-Conservative propaganda! The Guardian is so biased, they don't even attempt to hide it!
Propaganda? Lock up your houses, the Communists are coming- and their weapon is political satire!

Thank you poster, for directing me to the appropriate place in my Guardian today.
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PublicSchoolAnn
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Good lord. Whatever next? Labour to make 'in da hood' education compulsary.
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Refused
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(Original post by kingslaw)

2. Who beat the Germans in two world wars and one World Cup?

a) that would be us plucky Brits again; b) all on our own it was, with perhaps a little help from our good friends the Americans, but that's all, the Russian commies didn't do anything to help; c) Winston Churchill was a Tory, you know. And "Nazi" is short for National Socialist.
That's not true, it was thanks to a dodgy Russian linesman that England won the world cup :rolleyes:
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kingslaw
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(Original post by PublicSchoolAnn)
Good lord. Whatever next? Labour to make 'in da hood' education compulsary.
Hmmm...preferable to making 'up your own arse' rah public schoolboy education
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PublicSchoolAnn
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(Original post by kingslaw)
Hmmm...preferable to making 'up your own arse' rah public schoolboy education
Bite me.
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kingslaw
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(Original post by PublicSchoolAnn)
Bite me.
Consider yourself bitten.

Your turn.
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RachelBabyfrog
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Hehe...

Damn, we haven't painted a yoghurt pot for years!
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PublicSchoolAnn
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(Original post by kingslaw)
Consider yourself bitten.

Your turn.
Slap me slut.
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kingslaw
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(Original post by PublicSchoolAnn)
Slap me slut.
With what, ho?
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kidney thief
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Good stuff kingslaw- damn shop was out of Guardians again (whilst Daily Mail lies in sad, unsold piles)

rep for you! (is what i would be saying if i could give it :P)
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PublicSchoolAnn
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(Original post by kingslaw)
With what, ho?
With your communism inducing newspaper!
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kingslaw
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(Original post by kellywood_5)
I'm going to use my 1000th post to say this:

Blatant left-wing anti-Conservative propaganda! The Guardian is so biased, they don't even attempt to hide it!
You make anti-Conservative propaganda sound like such a bad thing.
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kingslaw
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(Original post by PublicSchoolAnn)
With your communism inducing newspaper!
Hehe. The Guardian - hardly a bastion of radical political thought!

Tell you what, lets kill all the Jews. Communism was there idea in the first place. Then we'd be rid of Communism for sure!!!
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PublicSchoolAnn
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(Original post by kingslaw)
Hehe. The Guardian - hardly a bastion of radical political thought!

Tell you what, lets kill all the Jews. Communism was there idea in the first place. Then we'd be rid of Communism for sure!!!
I knew you were a slut but I didnt know you were that twisted.
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Sarky
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Thanks for making me laugh
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kingslaw
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(Original post by PublicSchoolAnn)
I knew you were a slut but I didnt know you were that twisted.
Joke dear.

And yes, I am a slut. Stop it with the truisms.
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