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Angry at myself for ending an 8 year relationship

Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading. Over the past few days, I've realised that the relationship I have with a wonderful boyfriend for the past 8 years has come to an end, because I want to get married while he doesn't.

The thing is, I've known that he doesn't believe in marriage for almost the entire relationship. The reason I have stayed with him, apart from the fact that he is such a kind, caring and loving person, is that I wasn't sure how I felt about marriage - I wanted it, but couldn't explain why. I've spent the past year looking into marriage: what it means, what I am willing to do to make a marriage work, as well as trying to understand his point of view. I've discussed it with him several times, and have even suggested other options such as civil partnerships as a compromise. And while I understand where he is coming from much better than before, I've come to realise that marriage is still something I want from a relationship - for the rights as a husband and for the symbol of commitment to each other.

Now that I've come to that decision, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I feel like I've led my boyfriend on, by making him believe that I was okay with not getting married by staying with him for the past 8 years. And now, I'm going to break his heart by ending things over a decision that I should have made 7ish years ago.

I feel like the worst person in the world for doing this. Am I right to feel this way?

I'm not looking for sympathy by writing this, just genuine responses.

Thank you.
are you planning to adopt children?
I've always felt marriage is important to provide a stable environment for kids; You can't really split up when you have children together, at least not without seriously hurting them for their whole lives, so it makes sense to get married and confirm for all to see that you're both in it forever if you're planning to have children.
Surely you're boyfriend knew your position on marriage to some degree though?
Did you give him an ultimatum about it, or just decide to break up with him? And did he try to get you back?
Why does he not want to get married/ have a civil partnership?
Original post by Anonymous
Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading. Over the past few days, I've realised that the relationship I have with a wonderful boyfriend for the past 8 years has come to an end, because I want to get married while he doesn't.

The thing is, I've known that he doesn't believe in marriage for almost the entire relationship. The reason I have stayed with him, apart from the fact that he is such a kind, caring and loving person, is that I wasn't sure how I felt about marriage - I wanted it, but couldn't explain why. I've spent the past year looking into marriage: what it means, what I am willing to do to make a marriage work, as well as trying to understand his point of view. I've discussed it with him several times, and have even suggested other options such as civil partnerships as a compromise. And while I understand where he is coming from much better than before, I've come to realise that marriage is still something I want from a relationship - for the rights as a husband and for the symbol of commitment to each other.

Now that I've come to that decision, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I feel like I've led my boyfriend on, by making him believe that I was okay with not getting married by staying with him for the past 8 years. And now, I'm going to break his heart by ending things over a decision that I should have made 7ish years ago.

I feel like the worst person in the world for doing this. Am I right to feel this way?

I'm not looking for sympathy by writing this, just genuine responses.

Thank you.


…8 years did you say :eek:. No I don’t think you have a right to feel that way to be honest however though usually this would have been something you would have had to do and ask 5/6 years ago back because then you would’ve have had a insight into his thoughts and perspective into marriage, and if you guys relate in terms of you both wanting it or not.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading. Over the past few days, I've realised that the relationship I have with a wonderful boyfriend for the past 8 years has come to an end, because I want to get married while he doesn't.

The thing is, I've known that he doesn't believe in marriage for almost the entire relationship. The reason I have stayed with him, apart from the fact that he is such a kind, caring and loving person, is that I wasn't sure how I felt about marriage - I wanted it, but couldn't explain why. I've spent the past year looking into marriage: what it means, what I am willing to do to make a marriage work, as well as trying to understand his point of view. I've discussed it with him several times, and have even suggested other options such as civil partnerships as a compromise. And while I understand where he is coming from much better than before, I've come to realise that marriage is still something I want from a relationship - for the rights as a husband and for the symbol of commitment to each other.

Now that I've come to that decision, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I feel like I've led my boyfriend on, by making him believe that I was okay with not getting married by staying with him for the past 8 years. And now, I'm going to break his heart by ending things over a decision that I should have made 7ish years ago.

I feel like the worst person in the world for doing this. Am I right to feel this way?

I'm not looking for sympathy by writing this, just genuine responses.

Thank you.


I don’t think you should be angry with yourself about that specifically. We all feel a bit similar when we call off a relationship. Feel what you feel and need to feel, but don’t let it get you down too much to for too long.

Could you have told him earlier and save both yourselves all that time, energy and effort. yes. But if you genuinely felt you were ok with not getting married or could be, or weren’t sure but were open and honest with him about your thoughts and feelings then not much either of you can do or complain about.

Sounds like you genuinely tried which is the most you could do. enjoy the time you had together and all the good memories but accept that’s gone now too. Put a period and move on

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a commitment or being in a committed relationship, or wanting to get married. Now that you’ve been in this situation, you’re that much wiser and you’ll know better for your next relationship what you’re after and looking for.
I don’t think you should be angry with yourself for wanting marriage. You’re allowed to change your mind. Maybe the person you were 8 years ago didn’t feel like that was something they needed, but it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work and research and, come to a decision that’s perfectly valid.

No one has to be ‘wrong’ when things don’t work out in a relationship- it doesn’t mean someone is to blame, it can simply mean you want different things, both of which are, again, perfectly valid.
You were right. :smile:
Marriage is your dealbreaker and your ex was incompatible with this.
There are plenty of attractive single guys in the dating sea who will be compatible with all your dealbreakers.
Good luck!
Honestly if I was in either of your positions right now I'd be in trauma. A relationship of eight years to me sounds like something you shouldn't just walk away from. If it happened to me I'd have an overwhelming feeling a huge chunk of my life had been wasted. If you haven't done it yet I'd seriously think about - Don't just walk away from something like this without being absolutely certain and trying every possible solution.

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