The Student Room Group

Hello, can anyone help me/ does anyone have advice (gender identity related)

Hello, I’ve been struggling with gender identity a lot and I’m really not sure what I am. I’m AFAB and have always mainly had friends who are girls and like girls’ names more than boys’ names, but I have a lot of insecurities about the fact that I’m female and would rather be male. For a while I thought I was non-binary, and then for a while I thought I was a boy. Most people just assume I’m a boy because I have short hair and almost never wear dresses or skirts. I like it when people think I’m a boy, though. Am I just overthinking things? Am I just a girl really? Is it too late to be trans (I’m thirteen)? Can anyone share the story of how they realised their gender identity (cis or trans)?
(edited 1 year ago)
It's never too late to come out as NB or trans. A lot of people right now are coming out as NB/trans as an adult simply because the knowledge and language for how we felt was not common knowledge when we were growing up. When I was first questioning my gender 20 years ago, the terminology we use now and the resources we have now were not available.

The information you've provided above isn't really indicative of gender. Being NB or trans isn't about the gender of your friends or the gender typically associated with the names you like - there is a lot more to it than that. What do you mean by "insecurities about the fact that I’m female and would rather be male"? What insecurities? Why would you rather be male? I ask these questions in hope of providing further advice based on your answers, rather than trying to be interrogatory.
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 2
Original post by 1582
It's never too late to come out as NB or trans. A lot of people right now are coming out as NB/trans as an adult simply because the knowledge and language for how we felt was not common knowledge when we were growing up. When I was first questioning my gender 20 years ago, the terminology we use now and the resources we have now were not available.

The information you've provided above isn't really indicative of gender. Being NB or trans isn't about the gender of your friends or the gender typically associated with the names you like - there is a lot more to it than that. What do you mean by "insecurities about the fact that I’m female and would rather be male"? What insecurities? Why would you rather be male? I ask these questions in hope of providing further advice based on your answers, rather than trying to be interrogatory.


I don’t like having boobs and I feel really insecure if it’s obvious I have them, for example if I’m wearing tight clothing. As for wanting to be male, I don’t really know how to describe it I just do.
It's never too late to question your gender identity. I began questioning my own gender just over a year ago when I was 18 and I still haven't figured it out. Like 1582 said, what gender your friends are and what names you like don't have anything to do with your gender. Think about the reasons behind your questioning and reflect on whether they may be gender related, or whether they have to do with insecurities or other issues such as body dysmorphia. For me, I get dysphoria over my boobs (even though they are small) whenever I notice they are there or if someone draws attention to my chest (e.g. if they read what's on my tshirt or something) for example. It took me a while to figure out if this was gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia. Experiment with pronouns (using they/she pronouns has definitely helped me) and see how you feel when people call you he/him and view you as a boy. Finally, make sure to take your time to learn more about yourself and become more confident with your identity before coming out.
oh damn ok mood. i also started questioning my identity at 13 (im 15 now btw and i think ive more or less figured it out)! id recommend experimenting with pronouns (most AFAB people ive seen start by using she/they (i immediately went to they/them but maybe that was a little abrupt? a lot of thought went into it though)), and if you're not comfortable doing that irl for whatever reason, going by different pronouns online can help! this might sound weird, but you can also kind of... narrate your actions/life (to yourself, like mentally lmao) using different pronouns that you see yourself connecting to/using. but that's just pronouns. maybe look at the genders wiki (that is a thing), it was a massive help to me and some people i know, opened up new doors i didnt know existed!
ofc body dysphoria is also a big indicator (do you find yourself wearing big hoodies a lot... baggy jeans...?) and what helped me a lot was shopping in the mens' section! it sounds like you pass well, so no one should look at you twice there, and on bad days, just remembering that you got the shirt you're wearing from the mens section is euphoric. because that doesnt get talked about as much as gender dysphoria! gender euphoria is the best thing ive ever experienced ok. "young man" "the... person over there" like just thinking of it i get so happy and if you feel like that then,,, you're probably some flavour of not cis.
as for it being too late (sorry im just writing a novel on the trans experience now lmao), 13 is pretty young to start actively questioning in my experience, and certainly youre too young to expect to know exactly where youre at! also, i used to think i wouldve realised sooner if i wasnt a girl but looking back,,, 6yo me would talk all the time abt how "everyone wants to be a boy" and 10yo me was getting very uncomfortable with whatever the hell was starting to go on w their body. there were signs ahaha, and if there werent for you well, it doesnt eliminate the possibility of being trans or enby (if there were signs though... i mean, most girls dont wish they were boys/hate being referred to as girls, is all im saying).
personally i realised bc i was very uncomfortable with she/her pronouns/being perceived as female most of the time and i really hated my body for how feminine it was LMAO, i already had enby people around me so i began to look into different identities. either way, feel free to dm me if you have questions or want a chat or anything!
Reply 5
Original post by chance vibesn't
oh damn ok mood. i also started questioning my identity at 13 (im 15 now btw and i think ive more or less figured it out)! id recommend experimenting with pronouns (most AFAB people ive seen start by using she/they (i immediately went to they/them but maybe that was a little abrupt? a lot of thought went into it though)), and if you're not comfortable doing that irl for whatever reason, going by different pronouns online can help! this might sound weird, but you can also kind of... narrate your actions/life (to yourself, like mentally lmao) using different pronouns that you see yourself connecting to/using. but that's just pronouns. maybe look at the genders wiki (that is a thing), it was a massive help to me and some people i know, opened up new doors i didnt know existed!
ofc body dysphoria is also a big indicator (do you find yourself wearing big hoodies a lot... baggy jeans...?) and what helped me a lot was shopping in the mens' section! it sounds like you pass well, so no one should look at you twice there, and on bad days, just remembering that you got the shirt you're wearing from the mens section is euphoric. because that doesnt get talked about as much as gender dysphoria! gender euphoria is the best thing ive ever experienced ok. "young man" "the... person over there" like just thinking of it i get so happy and if you feel like that then,,, you're probably some flavour of not cis.
as for it being too late (sorry im just writing a novel on the trans experience now lmao), 13 is pretty young to start actively questioning in my experience, and certainly youre too young to expect to know exactly where youre at! also, i used to think i wouldve realised sooner if i wasnt a girl but looking back,,, 6yo me would talk all the time abt how "everyone wants to be a boy" and 10yo me was getting very uncomfortable with whatever the hell was starting to go on w their body. there were signs ahaha, and if there werent for you well, it doesnt eliminate the possibility of being trans or enby (if there were signs though... i mean, most girls dont wish they were boys/hate being referred to as girls, is all im saying).
personally i realised bc i was very uncomfortable with she/her pronouns/being perceived as female most of the time and i really hated my body for how feminine it was LMAO, i already had enby people around me so i began to look into different identities. either way, feel free to dm me if you have questions or want a chat or anything!

Hi! Thanks for your help :smile: I would like to talk but it won’t let me send messages bc I haven’t been a member for long enough or something.
Are you sure you want to come out as NB or trans or do you just like boy-related things? I’d heavily recommend against transitioning at 13 and waiting a bit longer/getting therapy to find your footing before making such a drastic decision. 13 is not too late- it is in fact very early to be making such decisions
Original post by Serisu
Hi! Thanks for your help :smile: I would like to talk but it won’t let me send messages bc I haven’t been a member for long enough or something.


yw! my account is really recent too, i guess we can chat in a couple of days when it lets us! until then :smile:
Original post by Serisu
I don’t like having boobs and I feel really insecure if it’s obvious I have them, for example if I’m wearing tight clothing. As for wanting to be male, I don’t really know how to describe it I just do.


I am in my early twenties now, I hated my boobs as a young teenager and many of my friends felt the same way about their bodies too. I am peace with my body now. AFAB puberty is sucks.
I don't think that questioning gender is indicative of either being cis or trans. Trans people have a lot of media representation, which is a really good thing. However I do think you need to see your thoughts and feelings in the context of gender identity being spoken about a lot especially amongst young people.
Original post by Serisu
I don’t like having boobs and I feel really insecure if it’s obvious I have them, for example if I’m wearing tight clothing. As for wanting to be male, I don’t really know how to describe it I just do.


If this is as much detail as you could provide then I would think it's something you are confused about as present and need to think more about. Most AFAB people dislike their chest and body during puberty and many also feel it would be easier if they were male. It's normal and doesn't indicate gender. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings in any way (I'm not cis either) but right now nothing you're saying concretely points towards being NB/trans. Definitely take more time to think things through and do your research about what these terms (and other terms used to describe gender) mean.
(edited 1 year ago)
Personal opinion here. As a girl when I was younger at your age I hate periods, boobs, makeup and any girly thing. When I was little I don't play dolls. I still don't, and I still hate those 3 things aforementioned, but that doesn't make you a boy.
Do you know what being a boy is like? What struggles and expectations they go through too? How would someone who has never known what it's like to live as a boy in a male body says they feel like a boy? Put it the other way: if a boy says it's a tough life as a boy for him and he doesn't want to be a boy, he feels like a girl. But he's never experienced life as a girl, the hormones changes, the mood swings and periods and boobs and how weird it feels, how could he say he feel like a girl?

Take it or leave it, my advice is decide when you're older. 13 is too young yet, and a lot can happen and change in your teenage years. When you're better informed and well decided then live your life.
Reply 11
Original post by 1582
If this is as much detail as you could provide then I would think it's something you are confused about as present and need to think more about. Most AFAB people dislike their chest and body during puberty and many also feel it would be easier if they were male. It's normal and doesn't indicate gender. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings in any way (I'm not cis either) but right now nothing you're saying concretely points towards being NB/trans. Definitely take more time to think things through and do your research about what these terms (and other terms used to describe gender) mean.

Thanks :smile: it’s not a new thing I went through puberty when I was 7/8 and I always felt this way
One reason that many people struggle with gender identity is that it is a poorly defined concept which cannot be objectively observed or tested. That might make it seem difficult, but it also means that however you may choose to identify, you can't be wrong. And if you change your mind, that's fine too: you can change your gender identity as often as you like.

On the other hand, you may wish to consider whether you need a gender identity at all. You can be friends with whom you like, dress how you like, have your hair how you like, enjoy whatever interests and hobbies you like, and so on. None of these things define or are limited by your gender identity. Gender identity really need have no impact on any aspect of your life, so why bother with it at all? Let people refer to you with whatever pronouns they like - why should you care? Gender identity is just a way of putting people in boxes. Think outside the box! Gender identity is regressive, restrictive and oppressive - reject it outright!
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 13
Original post by chance vibesn't
yw! my account is really recent too, i guess we can chat in a couple of days when it lets us! until then :smile:

It still won’t let me, sorry! I’ve checked and it should let me tomorrow!
there is still time for you to experience or know your gender identity :smile: i wouldn't rush
It's never too late to realise something about yourself, especially with your gender identity.
Have you tried experimenting with different pronouns? although pronouns don't necessarily equal gender, if you like the idea of people thinking that you're a boy you could try asking people to refer to you as "he/him" for a while? do this with those you trust, and see how it goes!
A great thing about pronouns are that they can be fluid! if one doesn't work for you, experiment with another! like they/them, he/they, etc...
This seems to be the most common advice people are suggesting here, and I think it's a great place to start.

Another suggestion, if you've thought about possibly being non-binary and male at some point, have you tried looking into the identity of "Demiboy"? or Demigender as a whole. Hope this helps!

Quick Reply

Latest