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Am I a jerk for not spending NYE with my boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years. A lot of that has been long distance, but he moved to my city over the summer due to some really toxic stuff that went down in his family. A few weeks ago, my sister invited me to visit her for New Year's weekend, and I said yes, since we've always been really close, and I haven't been able to see her as often since she moved a few hours away. I told my bf tonight I made these plans with her, but he was upset. He said that even though we never officially made plans, he was really looking forward to spending NYE together, especially since this would be the first time that we would be able to in person. He's in a new city without other friends in person and his family is cut off. This also isn't the first time that he's been hurt by me prioritizing my family plans over him. I've been trying to do better with that, but I know that this still hurts him, especially around the holidays when my family has a lot of expectations. But on the other hand, I haven't been good at keeping consistent contact with my sister. Between work, school and my bf, I haven't done a good job at making her feel valued or prioritized. She's expressed this to me in the past, and I've tried to do better, but I can tell that there's still room for improvement. My family in general has expressed hurt over feeling like I break plans with them and prioritize my bf. I think that I'm just a jerk no matter what happens. I should have talked to my bf about it before committing to a plan. I'm such a people pleaser, and I feel so bad for not being better to my sister lately that I just jumped at the chance to say yes. We're still three weeks out from NYE, so idk if it's too late to cancel. I don't know if there's a graceful way to do this. No matter what I choose, someone gets hurt. I don't get to see my sister as often, but she has other people to spend NYE with (her husband, and my other sisters that can go) and my bf doesn't have anyone else. I guess I just want to know what to do. I feel backed into a corner and I hate that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings no matter what happens.
Original post by negative.zero
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years. A lot of that has been long distance, but he moved to my city over the summer due to some really toxic stuff that went down in his family. A few weeks ago, my sister invited me to visit her for New Year's weekend, and I said yes, since we've always been really close, and I haven't been able to see her as often since she moved a few hours away. I told my bf tonight I made these plans with her, but he was upset. He said that even though we never officially made plans, he was really looking forward to spending NYE together, especially since this would be the first time that we would be able to in person. He's in a new city without other friends in person and his family is cut off. This also isn't the first time that he's been hurt by me prioritizing my family plans over him. I've been trying to do better with that, but I know that this still hurts him, especially around the holidays when my family has a lot of expectations. But on the other hand, I haven't been good at keeping consistent contact with my sister. Between work, school and my bf, I haven't done a good job at making her feel valued or prioritized. She's expressed this to me in the past, and I've tried to do better, but I can tell that there's still room for improvement. My family in general has expressed hurt over feeling like I break plans with them and prioritize my bf. I think that I'm just a jerk no matter what happens. I should have talked to my bf about it before committing to a plan. I'm such a people pleaser, and I feel so bad for not being better to my sister lately that I just jumped at the chance to say yes. We're still three weeks out from NYE, so idk if it's too late to cancel. I don't know if there's a graceful way to do this. No matter what I choose, someone gets hurt. I don't get to see my sister as often, but she has other people to spend NYE with (her husband, and my other sisters that can go) and my bf doesn't have anyone else. I guess I just want to know what to do. I feel backed into a corner and I hate that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings no matter what happens.

Is there some reason you couldn't simply take your boyfriend with you to your sister's on New Years Eve?
Original post by negative.zero
I'm such a people pleaser,

That is the big, important issue here. The excessive people pleasing.
NYE is just a day or two or three. Your people pleasing is your whole life.

Change!
Always please yourself. Always live for your own approval.

A big part of pleasing yourself, due to you being an empath, will be that you take pleasure from pleasing the people around you. Which is fine. But please try to avoid the trap of your self esteem depending on what other people think of you.

Do not cancel the trip to your sisters. You said you would go, so be a person of your word. For your own self esteem and self approval.
First come first served. Your sister was the first to come to you with a good plan for New Years, so she gets served first.

What's the true and full story behind him falling out with his family? Is his family a set of complete nutters? Or is there something about your boyfriend that contributed to the falling out?

I think you should listen to what your family are telling you about your boyfriend. If I were in his shoes, I'd be delighted every time you wanted to visit your family. I'd support you in visiting them. Sometimes I wonder why there are so many men that lack basic relationship skills.

Original post by DataVenia
Is there some reason you couldn't simply take your boyfriend with you to your sister's on New Years Eve?


(expletive) that! The boyfriend can go swivel. What with his needy, "I want to be with you on NYE" nonsense.

The boyfriend should be a man and not a pathetic little, whiney, spoilt, clingy child.
If the boyfriend doesn't have anyone else to socialise with, then it's way past time he started building up his own social circle or got used to spending time on his own.

If I were negative.zero's sister, there's a pretty high chance I wouldn't want the boyfriend in my home over New Years.
Original post by DataVenia
Is there some reason you couldn't simply take your boyfriend with you to your sister's on New Years Eve?

She has limited space in her house, so there wouldn’t be any place for him to sleep.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
That is the big, important issue here. The excessive people pleasing.
NYE is just a day or two or three. Your people pleasing is your whole life.

Change!
Always please yourself. Always live for your own approval.

A big part of pleasing yourself, due to you being an empath, will be that you take pleasure from pleasing the people around you. Which is fine. But please try to avoid the trap of your self esteem depending on what other people think of you.

Do not cancel the trip to your sisters. You said you would go, so be a person of your word. For your own self esteem and self approval.
First come first served. Your sister was the first to come to you with a good plan for New Years, so she gets served first.

What's the true and full story behind him falling out with his family? Is his family a set of complete nutters? Or is there something about your boyfriend that contributed to the falling out?

I think you should listen to what your family are telling you about your boyfriend. If I were in his shoes, I'd be delighted every time you wanted to visit your family. I'd support you in visiting them. Sometimes I wonder why there are so many men that lack basic relationship skills.



(expletive) that! The boyfriend can go swivel. What with his needy, "I want to be with you on NYE" nonsense.

The boyfriend should be a man and not a pathetic little, whiney, spoilt, clingy child.
If the boyfriend doesn't have anyone else to socialise with, then it's way past time he started building up his own social circle or got used to spending time on his own.

If I were negative.zero's sister, there's a pretty high chance I wouldn't want the boyfriend in my home over New Years.

He has friends, but they all live in different cities, so they can’t be there in person. He’s had to work a ton since he moved here, so there hasn’t been opportunity to make a new group of people.

Yeah, I definitely need to do better with not people pleasing. I guess I just feel stuck. My bf thinks I neglect him for my family, my family thinks that I reject them for him. I guess I just feel sad that I’m disappointing everybody in my life at once when I’m trying so hard to do the right thing for everyone.

I know I should be a person of my word. I shouldn’t have concocted this situation in the first place. I should have talked things out before I agreed to something. Now I just feel stuck because he’s really hurt, but I’m scared to talk to my sister about all this. :frown:
I don't understand why you feel stuck at all. You've told your BF you're spending New Years with your sister. That's it. End of conversation.
If he wants to be a sulky, miserable person about it, that's down to him. Let him wallow in his stupid self pity. It's not your job to cheer him up when he's being unreasonable.

I think you're probably striking the right balance when both your family and BF think that you are prioritising the other party.
It doesn't matter if you are favouring one side over the other. It's your choice. It's your life. It's your time. You can love both a lot. With it being a different form of love for each.

That's feeble excuses about him working a lot. What about the social scene at his work? Either colleagues or clients?
He should see you going away as a great opportunity for him to meet and spend some time with some new people. If he's always been the shy type, it's time he came out of his shell.

There is no reason at all why you should talk your social plans through with your boyfriend. He's not your jailer. He's not your probation officer. If you want to do something, go ahead and plan it. And then tell the BF.
Be assertive. Your freedom is valuable. Don't relinquish your freedom, just because needy, clingy BF wants to have you all to himself, all the time.

When you next talk to your sister, confirm that you will come stay with her for New Years. And tell her how much you're looking forward to it.
Do not give in to your boyfriend and cancel this trip.
Do not even think about cancelling. Be strong. Be firm.
And do not feel guilty at all about your boyfriend being upset by this. He's relying on your good nature to manipulate you into getting what he wants - with him showing no concern for your welfare over this matter.
Reply 6
Go together, find some accommodation. For some reason NYE is enormously hyped, I can understand your bf being a bit disappointed, also as there was no discussion
No, you are not a jerk. :smile:
Don't not allow your bf to bully, nag or emotionally blackmail you into cancelling and appeasing his demands to stay home with him.

You can consider asking your sister whether she is prepared to consider extending an invite to your bf as a guest for NYE if you book nearby accomodation for you both to share.
But even if her answer is yes, don't expect your bf to be willing to consider agreeing to compromise.
The two of you seem to have very different lifestyle preferences, ambitions and relationship expectations.
Good luck!

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