The Student Room Group

Weight and relationships? Help....

Am I wrong for feeling it's unfair for the guy I'm dating to not love me or find me s#-xually attractive with the body I have?
I'm a UK size 12 female so I'm not fat but I'm ethnic and have fairly large hips etc.
When I met the guy I'm now currently dating I was a size 14-16, we were in a FWB situationship and also best mates at uni however he's really into his fitness (being a sports degree student) and would constantly comment on my weight. I happily lost some of it because I was unhappy with my size too but I haven't been as fussed since I got to size 12 although I still exercise for over 150 mins a week. However I feel that whenever I'm not losing weight and prioritise my studies and simply exercising for enjoyment, the guy I'm dating seems to stray mentally to watch p0rn with fitter girls or he seems to struggle to keep it up saying the p0rn addiction makes s_x with me a bit less exciting even though I've tried my best to spice things up. What do I do in this situation?
Original post by Anonymous
Am I wrong for feeling it's unfair for the guy I'm dating to not love me or find me s#-xually attractive with the body I have?
I'm a UK size 12 female so I'm not fat but I'm ethnic and have fairly large hips etc.
When I met the guy I'm now currently dating I was a size 14-16, we were in a FWB situationship and also best mates at uni however he's really into his fitness (being a sports degree student) and would constantly comment on my weight. I happily lost some of it because I was unhappy with my size too but I haven't been as fussed since I got to size 12 although I still exercise for over 150 mins a week. However I feel that whenever I'm not losing weight and prioritise my studies and simply exercising for enjoyment, the guy I'm dating seems to stray mentally to watch p0rn with fitter girls or he seems to struggle to keep it up saying the p0rn addiction makes s_x with me a bit less exciting even though I've tried my best to spice things up. What do I do in this situation?


Live for yourself, not other people.
You do not need to lose weight. People who comment on it ignore them it's your body, not theirs.
Exercise for enjoyment, and keep it that way.
That guy sounds a bit of an idiot. Do you really want to be in a relationship with him?
Size 12 isn't even remotely big
Original post by bl0bf1sh
Live for yourself, not other people.
You do not need to lose weight. People who comment on it ignore them it's your body, not theirs.
Exercise for enjoyment, and keep it that way.
That guy sounds a bit of an idiot. Do you really want to be in a relationship with him?

Thank you!
Tbh we've been best friends for ages and the added FWB situation made it a bit weird but we both enjoyed it for its undefined mess at the time although we've both expressed we want to go out with eachother now. I just worry that my gut feeling around him and his constant need for improvement isn't going to be a good thing in the long run. Like I'm all for self improvement but he seems to constantly want the next best thing. Like even with s-x it seems like if we're not doing something really different or exciting he starts to get a bit bored and dependent on p0rn. And like we've only known eachother for a year and a bit and we aren't even going out properly yet so it worries me that he already says how he needs to spice things up. Like I even tried being more girly and getting a realy short haircut to see if he liked it but he's still not happy seemingly. Like it's short lived.
He is not the guy you want to settle down with and have children with, because he's too negative, too much of a jerk and too much of a jerk-off.
By all means keep him in your social cirlce and have sex with him if it suits you. But you really ought to be working on getting your next boyfriend.

The exercise side of your life is fine. Although you could probably reduce it to 30 to 50 minutes of intensive activity per week and still keep yourself totally fit.
How about the nutrition side?

Your meat head "boyfriend" would be happier with a mega gym bunny girl. You'll be doing him a favour by setting him free to find such a woman.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
He is not the guy you want to settle down with and have children with, because he's too negative, too much of a jerk and too much of a jerk-off.
By all means keep him in your social cirlce and have sex with him if it suits you. But you really ought to be working on getting your next boyfriend.

The exercise side of your life is fine. Although you could probably reduce it to 30 to 50 minutes of intensive activity per week and still keep yourself totally fit.
How about the nutrition side?

Your meat head "boyfriend" would be happier with a mega gym bunny girl. You'll be doing him a favour by setting him free to find such a woman.

He does seem a bit too negative for the start of a relationship tbf. Like he seems in love with me but there are quite a lot of demands and I worry that any guy I get with will be like this.

As for nutrition, I do occasionally eat a lot of crap but we both do a vague calorie count and I don't exactly binge on bad foods. In fact that tends to happen more when I come to visit him than when I'm not. Worse thing is he also seems to get both turned on and annoyed when I get fitter. Like I mentioned how I was basically exercising every day whilst we were apart and he got annoyed and said he'd have to start going more regularly because me going makes him feel like sh1t and then he also found out I'd been taking Creatine and didn't like that it 'gave me an edge' so he started taking it and we got into an argument so he stopped promptly and so have I. He clearly doesn't want a gym bunny coz he said how he thinks they're shallow but then it feels like he's also trying to turn me into one.... it's weird.
Like saying he likes that I'm a bit of a tomboy because there's less time wasted on make up and preening but then saying he'd find me more sexually attractive if I did more. So i painted my nails and cut my hair short and cute etc but he gets bored so quickly.
He sounds like one of those guys that's not happy unless he's got something to moan about. And his mind will fixate on the negatives to pave the way to him doing that.

Are you aware of the athletic performance enhancing effects of anti-oxidant foods and drinks? Such as tart cherries?

If he's exercising a lot and eating a lot of junk food, that's a recipe for him being in a bad mood due to the internal inflammation.

There are plenty of men that aren't like your boyfriend. The sort of guys that are more chilled, positive, tolerant of others. And more self disciplined when it comes to addictions, such as porn.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
He sounds like one of those guys that's not happy unless he's got something to moan about. And his mind will fixate on the negatives to pave the way to him doing that.

Are you aware of the athletic performance enhancing effects of anti-oxidant foods and drinks? Such as tart cherries?


No I don't know anything about tart cherries. Do tell!
Sounds pretty interesting!

And yes you're probably right, there will probably always be something I'm not doing to his liking. His previous ex seems perfect from the way he described her but they split because he told her he found her less sexually attractive since she got a bit fat. I doubt she was even that fat tbf given she did rowing and ju-jitsu regularly enough. I don't even do these!
Reply 8
I was trying to be fair but he sounds like a proper AH. Firstly, he got with you while you were bigger. If he didn't find that attractive, the door was open. Nobody forced him to be with you. He pestered and tore your confidence down till you lost weight. And he is STILL nagging! I don't know where you get your angelic patience. I would have cut him off from day one. Why approach you for intimacy if he doesn't like your body?
Reply 9
I just read the part about his ex and I'm heated. People like him have nothing to offer so they subconsciously tear down their partners till you feel like you can't do better if you dump them. That explains why he was calling his fit ex who he CHOSE to get with unattractive.

I've met folks like him. I'm quite slim but curvy and my fat is stored on my lower half. When a guy approached me and started trying to make me feel bad about my figure and weight, telling me slimmer thighs were more attractive, I told him I would find a man who can handle my curves and I blocked him. No further discussion needed. You deserve better than these silly mind games. A good friend isn't always a good partner.
Original post by DarylO
I just read the part about his ex and I'm heated. People like him have nothing to offer so they subconsciously tear down their partners till you feel like you can't do better if you dump them. That explains why he was calling his fit ex who he CHOSE to get with unattractive.

I've met folks like him. I'm quite slim but curvy and my fat is stored on my lower half. When a guy approached me and started trying to make me feel bad about my figure and weight, telling me slimmer thighs were more attractive, I told him I would find a man who can handle my curves and I blocked him. No further discussion needed. You deserve better than these silly mind games. A good friend isn't always a good partner.


It's actually really nice to hear someone say all this so I know I'm not crazy. I've tried to be very fair with him as well but I do also find myself with my guard up around certain things I would have let slide earlier in us meeting. Like I just don't like how he gets on with me and constantly asking what exercise I've been doing in the week or if I'm doing much when sometimes I simply don't because I'm studying for hours on end or my back hurts to much from my injury etc.

I also just hate how he doesn't know how to prioritise. Like we went to a concert for the band we both loved and got to know through our relationship developing and when we were at the bar he started chatting to the bartender girl asking about her job because he said he does event work and wanted to know what its like working there (there are like 6 guys there but he goes for the girl) and then he keeps saying how important it is that we leave asap for the train after the concert but then stops to chat to another girl working in security at the front too who's fairly attractive. And then he complains at the fact that I film some of the concert coz he says you need to live in the moment which I agree with but then when a certain song came on that him and his female bestie bonded over and used to listen to together, he starts filming it. It just seems a bit hypocritical. And I saw over his shoulder how nostalgic they were and singing back lyrics to eachother and stuff. I just felt put out coz I was there with him but he always has these girls he seems to prioritise it's maddening not knowing if I need to be less insecure or if he just winds me up, and I'm being reasonable.
Original post by PinkMobilePhone
Size 12 isn't even remotely big


Thinking the same thing unless we're talking a US size 12 or you're really short.
Original post by Anonymous
No I don't know anything about tart cherries. Do tell!
Sounds pretty interesting!


More info on performance and recovery enhancement for athletes via nutrition here:
https://nutritionfacts.org/topics/athletes/
Don't waste your valuable time dating or having sex with anyone who makes it crystal clear that they don't find your body structure attractive. :smile:
Life is too short to waste your time and energy on those that don't deserve any of either.
Nor add much that is positive to your life.

Mutual attraction and compatible dealbreakers are crucial to a happy & healthy relationship.
Of course people have the right to choose their own beauty standards and relationship preferences.
Just as they have the right to decide who they want to date and have sex with.
Good luck!
You're certainly not crazy. I would be at my wits end too. This constant back-and-forth is what he likes. Some people do it subconsciously because they don't know how to have healthy relationships. Some people do it intentionally. I don't know which category he falls into but that's irrelevant. What's important here is that his actions are having a negative effect on you. He seems to thrive on having people on their toes around him, doing as he states. That's not somebody you should be with.

However, if you want to continue the relationship, you can sit him down and let him know how you feel about all this or you can leave him. The choice is yours. Whichever option you choose, please, do not let yourself be gaslit. Listen to your instincts. You are not crazy. He does things that make you feel insecure, and he shouldn't be doing such things. And always remember that it is not your job to fix him or make him change, and your happiness comes first. Your partner should be your safe space all the time not someone that makes you feel like you're walking on egg shells or never enough.
He just sounds like a disrespectful berk with a fitness fetish tbh.

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