The Student Room Group

How to stop being the nice guy

I'm a university student (19M) and have never had a girlfriend. I'm not trying to boast but I would say that I am pretty good looking (tall, good build and a good fashion sense). However, we all know that it's not just about looks and in fact personality matters more, and this is where I feel like I lack. I'm quite introverted and have a little social anxiety.

I've found that in all the interactions I've had with girls I find attracitve, I always get placed in the friendzone. I feel like this could be because I come across a nice guy. It's not like I'm actually being overly nice (e.g buying expensive stuff for the girl or agreeing to everything she says), but it's more about the way I talk.

I have never flirted or teased a girl before, just because I am introverted. So there's no emotion in the conversation, making it quite dry. I don't want to be mean, but I would like to be a little bit of an *******. Not insulting the girl, but making a little fun of her will go a long way. But I don't know how to do that
I would advise you to steer clear from relationships while you are at University. If something goes wrong and it ends up affected you emotionally and/or mentally, then it can impact your quality of study. Ride these barely 3 years out and then look for relationships after, trust me.
Original post by Funtimes01_
I would advise you to steer clear from relationships while you are at University. If something goes wrong and it ends up affected you emotionally and/or mentally, then it can impact your quality of study. Ride these barely 3 years out and then look for relationships after, trust me.



Right, that is good advice tbh. I just feel like everyone of my age is doing that, but this the classic "If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?".
When you talk about being friendzoned, are you actually asking people out, or just falling into non-romantic friendships?
Original post by Admit-One
When you talk about being friendzoned, are you actually asking people out, or just falling into non-romantic friendships?


I've never asked a girl out. To reach that stage there has to be at least a little bit of a spark between us, some chemistry you know? Not just talking about how her course is going. Honestly, if I could figure out how I could reach that flirty/teasing type of relationship then I would ask the girl out.
University is the best time and place in the world for you to meet people, to get a girlfriend, to break up to get another girlfriend, to break up, to get another gilrfriend, to break up, to get another girlfriend. It's also the best place in the world to practise your social skills. To do what you can to transition from childhood to adulthood.

Post #3 of this thread may help you in terms of the mentality to have and the sort of tangential things to talk about:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7325935

The good news is that you are getting into conversations with women that you find attractive. That's a great start. Look to ramp up the number of women you do that with. Like 2, 3, 4, 5 per day. Which at a uni may involve re-talking with women that have friendzoned you.

More good news is that there's people (incels) that would label you as a chad, due to your height and good looks.

Dan Bacon youtube channel may help you. He has a certain kidding style of talking with women. It's fine if your style is different but still has the same fundamentals as him.

Reading a book on comedy screenwriting may help you too. To ramp up your comedy thinking and the number of jokes you make. You don't need to come out with comedy classics, it's more about keeping the vibe light and not taking stuff seriously. Or making serious points whilst using humour.

Aim to be - at times - breath-takingly direct in terms of you being a man that is sexually attracted to the woman. Aim to make your mentality one where you as a man make no apologies for being sexually attracted to beautiful women AND where you are willing to walk away (eg if it becomes apparent you aren't right for each other) AND where you're totally fine if any particular woman doesn't want to get sexually involved with you.
One way of doing that is to use the sort of lines on women that they use on us. EG I'm not going to sleep with you tonight. EG Are you going to buy me a drink... but don't think you're going to get into my knickers just cos you've bought me a drink.

Turn your introversion into technical extroversion. So that you're the sort of guy that's more interested in other people than in yourself (or in the little voice going on in your head). So that you are generous with conversational space, you listen to others, you respond to what they say (sometimes with completely off the wall tangential stuff), but because you are so interested in other people, you will break the ice with them, or you will come up with something to say at any lulls in the conversation.

The social anxiety you will just have to push through. Many guys use booze or drugs to give them the confidence to do that. If you do fall into this habit I'd recommend that you work on going out, relaxing, being sociable, talking to everyone without the substances, or with 1 pint at most.

At uni you don't have to ask girls out in the traditional sense. You can just ask them along to social things or events, or just naturally meet them again at these. EG if you like playing pool have a game of pool with them. Or just meet them at gigs (or whatever) at the Student Union. Or host little dinner parties in your kitchen, you plus 4 friends plus her; tasting your cooking and having fun conversations - they need to bring their own plates.

There are training courses and mentorship that will help you in this area. Some of them free. Some of them you will have to pay for. The advantages of free is that it's free! The advantages of paid for is that we as humans tend to value most that which we pay for.

One big tip is to sit down and look at your life from a perspective of the universe. How huge it is and how many billions of years old it is. And reflect that your life is one spec of sand on the beach. And how all the things that you stress over are unimportant in the grand scheme of things. And how you should lighten up and take your life a lot less seriously than you have been doing up till now. With that including how seriously you take meeting women - which means that you should ramp up the number of women you meet and treat it all as an enjoyable game. You could think of it as you unlocking the uninhibited 2 year old toddler you. The person you were before you became stiffled and uptight and beaten down by authority figures in your life.
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a university student (19M) and have never had a girlfriend. I'm not trying to boast but I would say that I am pretty good looking (tall, good build and a good fashion sense). However, we all know that it's not just about looks and in fact personality matters more, and this is where I feel like I lack. I'm quite introverted and have a little social anxiety.

I've found that in all the interactions I've had with girls I find attracitve, I always get placed in the friendzone. I feel like this could be because I come across a nice guy. It's not like I'm actually being overly nice (e.g buying expensive stuff for the girl or agreeing to everything she says), but it's more about the way I talk.

I have never flirted or teased a girl before, just because I am introverted. So there's no emotion in the conversation, making it quite dry. I don't want to be mean, but I would like to be a little bit of an *******. Not insulting the girl, but making a little fun of her will go a long way. But I don't know how to do that

This is nothing to do with you being a nice guy and everything to do with you not being able to hold a decent conversation and also coming over as desperate.

If you follow the advice of having a constant stream of girlfriends that you keep breaking up with, it teaches you nothing about being in a relationship and you will get a reputation as being a bit of a ******* for all the wrong reasons. Also, why go just for 'beautiful' women? Doesn't mean they are worth your time.

Be friends with girls first, to learn how to not be shy talking to them. If you don't already, go to relevant clubs and societies where you can meet people with some common ground. You need to be interested and interesting, but not make it an interrogation. If you can't flirt, don't; nothing worse than it being forced and unnatural. There's hundreds of topics of conversation available; rather than "how's the course going?" why did they choose that course, that uni, what are their ambitions. If she wasn't doing this, what would she be?

Not every girl you are attracted to will find you attractive. Relax and just see what happens.
Wait you're tall, have a good build and a good fashion sense and you're still single????

Jesus, there really is no hope for the rest of us is there :frown:
It may also be the case that op is aesthetically challenged above the neck. Very much a dealbraker.
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I'm a university student (19M) and have never had a girlfriend. I'm not trying to boast but I would say that I am pretty good looking (tall, good build and a good fashion sense). However, we all know that it's not just about looks and in fact personality matters more, and this is where I feel like I lack. I'm quite introverted and have a little social anxiety.

I've found that in all the interactions I've had with girls I find attracitve, I always get placed in the friendzone. I feel like this could be because I come across a nice guy. It's not like I'm actually being overly nice (e.g buying expensive stuff for the girl or agreeing to everything she says), but it's more about the way I talk.

I have never flirted or teased a girl before, just because I am introverted. So there's no emotion in the conversation, making it quite dry. I don't want to be mean, but I would like to be a little bit of an *******. Not insulting the girl, but making a little fun of her will go a long way. But I don't know how to do that

I am an introvert and a nice guy like you. I am almost nervous while talking to girls. But this week I asked a girl for her Instagram confidently. I did this because over the last months, I slowly started talking to new people just stuff like asking them where they are from and their names. I started with guys and slowly spoke to a few girls and somehow managed to get the courage to tell this girl that I liked her but she hasn't accepted my follow request yet. She isn't interested in me. It did hurt but I can't be sad about it. All I'm trying to say is start talking to people I would recommend reading this book "How to talk to anyone by Leil Lowndes". Read a few pages daily and of course take notes. Here's a few for example, keep your eyes glued onto your conversation partner (do less of this to other males) and smile when you see them. I will also recommend Hamza's youtube channel give it a go. Understand what he is trying to say. You don't have to follow his advice exactly but think about it. I took his advice and asked a girl for her insta even though she rejected me.
Original post by Anonymous
I am an introvert and a nice guy like you. I am almost nervous while talking to girls. But this week I asked a girl for her Instagram confidently. I did this because over the last months, I slowly started talking to new people just stuff like asking them where they are from and their names. I started with guys and slowly spoke to a few girls and somehow managed to get the courage to tell this girl that I liked her but she hasn't accepted my follow request yet. She isn't interested in me. It did hurt but I can't be sad about it. All I'm trying to say is start talking to people I would recommend reading this book "How to talk to anyone by Leil Lowndes". Read a few pages daily and of course take notes. Here's a few for example, keep your eyes glued onto your conversation partner (do less of this to other males) and smile when you see them. I will also recommend Hamza's youtube channel give it a go. Understand what he is trying to say. You don't have to follow his advice exactly but think about it. I took his advice and asked a girl for her insta even though she rejected me.


By the way, I'm tall but not good looking, yet I tried. You should have no problem with girls. I guess you should get girls if your good looking and you try. But don't rush the process. And never be needy If a girl says shes not interested, swallow the bitter pill and move on slowly.
Original post by Surnia
If you follow the advice of having a constant stream of girlfriends that you keep breaking up with, it teaches you nothing about being in a relationship and you will get a reputation as being a bit of a ******* for all the wrong reasons. Also, why go just for 'beautiful' women? Doesn't mean they are worth your time.

A quick bit of back of an envelope mathematics.

3 years at uni. 4 girlfriends in that time. Equals one every 9 months. Let's call it 3 months to get each girlfriend, 6 months with each - on average - that's not a constant stream.

If the original poster is half way through the 2nd year, cut those timescales in half. And we're still not looking at a constant stream of girlfriends.

Plus, a contributing factor to the situation the original poster now finds himself in is that he has been too concerned by the thoughts, opinions and approval of others. As displayed in his social anxiety and lack of flirtation. Getting him out of this mindset will help him. So that he starts living for his own approval and not the approval of others. If someone else doesn't approve him getting through 1 girlfriend every 4 to 9 months then that's their issue, not his.

3 to 6 months (on average) with a woman is plenty of time to learn about relationships - especially for someone that's never been in one.
There are strong parallels in this to learning about a particular field of work. You get more experience more quickly if you flip jobs every 2 to 9 months than if you stay in the same job with the same employer for 3 years.

The beauty in beautiful women comes in many different forms. Beautiful face / body / temperament / social skills / bedroom gymnastics / practical skills / amounts of money in the bank / future earning potential / general good all-rounder etc etc. I'd turn your question around: why go with a woman that you don't find beautiful in any way when there are so many at any university campus that are beautiful?
I doubt you're attractive. How goodloking is your face? Height matters but face is essential. There are tall guys with ugly faces who are not attractive to girls. If you were attractive girls would flirt with you even if you're shy and introvert

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