The Student Room Group

20 M, Still a virgin after 1st year Uni, looking for advice

So I'm 20 at the end of first year at uni. Pretty much had no sexual/ relationship with girls. I'm somewhat introverted, but still confident and fairly sociable. In school, I was pretty popular and played rugby but was always shy with girls and had self-esteem issues, (which looking back was most likely depression), so never made much effort with girls. For some reason any time a girl was into me never believed it. This basically meant I turned down any chances, even was too shy to lose my V when I was 14 as a result.

I'm now a lot more confident in myself after having done a gap year last year and working through my problems. Started going to the gym (although not consistently) and doing a bit more sport.

I have been told my multiple girls that I'm "cool" and have received compliments on my music taste a lot by girls. I've had multiple girls tell me I have the best music taste of anyone they know for example. I take care of my appearance in terms of hygiene, wearing after shave, clothes etc. and have received a decent amount of compliments. I'm a very chill person, quite relaxed and comforable doing my own thing. I've always been good at making people laugh, including girls. Without meaning to sound cocky, I would say I'm fairly cool and it isn't as if I'm just boring with no personality. I don't think I am ugly, I have decent facial structure and a beard. However, I guess my biggest hang up is my height though. I'm 5'6, which automatically puts a lot of girls off me, (Which I understand is preference - is what it is), and I see loads of guys who have little personality or friends who barely have to try because of their height.

I've found it hard at uni in terms of initiating stuff with girls. It's not that I lack confidence and social skills and not like I sit in my room all day alone with no social interaction. I've been on multiple trips abroad at uni without knowing a single person and making friends, for example. I'm perfectly fine at making conversation with girls as if they're normal people. It's just that I don't know how to move past that stage to physical intimacy. As dumb as it sounds I have no idea what to say, so if anyone has any tips that would help massively.

Not that I try to be different or anything but I don't enjoy clubbing at all when I go out, I find the pop or indie sing along music really cringey and have never been able to get past it, even when I was a kid in primary school lol, so I basically never go clubbing unless there's nothing else to do. This is obviously the best place to meet girls to hook up etc. at uni, but whenever I go it's basically impossible for me to move to girls as I end up hating the music and cannot vibe. Just to add, I'm 5'6 - so quite a short guy. This definitely makes me feel a little less confident at times when I go to a club, it just seems impossible to meet a girl. It's difficult to talk with the music, and I feel pretty much invisible since most girls are into taller dudes. I realise that confidence is obviously most important, but when I hate the music it's basically impossible for me to use my confidence without just feeling completely fake to myself. This basically kills my desire to go up to girls in a club.

I'm into drum and bass and love going to raves, where I am able to vibe easily, but it's not really somewhere you can pick up girls. Also, they aren't super common at my uni. Just from going to raves I know 2 girls who have a crush on me (confirmed by mutual friend). But I'm not really into either and if I was wouldn't know what to do. My flatmate also has a massive crush on me and I know 100% likes me.

Like I've previously mentioned, I know that I'm capable of attracting girls, but whenever they're into me it feels like I just don't know what to do. I don't want to come across creepy so I'm kind of hesitant to compliment their looks etc. and I'm also really oblivious to signs from girls.

I think in general I may just rarely find girls I'm attracted to or have chemistry with maybe. I've only ever been seriously attracted to one girl and kind of just in the friendzone with her, too scared to ask her out since I've never met anyone where I've been anywhere near as attracted to. In fact, before her I'd never met a girl I had genuine attraction or desire towards. I've met one girl at uni I kind of like, although don't know super well. She's friends with the two who have a crush on me, but again I kind of don't know how to go about it, so would appreciate advice. Also I don't try to be picky, if I had the choice to be attracted to these girls I probably would, it's just rare that I meet a girl I feel a chemistry with and if I have no chemistry I basically have no urge. I'm not asexual or anything, but it feels like I kind of don't care about girls at all usually, except for the very rare occasion I meet someone I find interesting.

I feel as though I have most of my life figured out and am fairly mature when compared to most people in first year, but it feels that this one area of my life is holding me back. I constantly think about it and it is stressing me out, since almost everyone I know has lost their V or is in a relationship, and it feels embarassing and often makes me feel depressed. I'm a bad sleeper anyway, but I'm sure this has contributed to my poor sleep and reduces my energy. In particular this is annoying, since I feel like I don't have energy to talk to girls a lot of the time even if I want to. If I had the energy or urge then I would be able to, as I am confident enough to just go up and talk to people. It's like a reciprocal process, where I know it will help solve my stress/ sleep issues but have no urge because of it. Been trying to stop watching porn, because it probably contributes.

I know it's not the be all and end of, but I know it would take a huge weight off my shoulders to get it done. As cringe as it sounds it makes me not feel like a man. It also sucks whenever people talk about relationships as it makes me feel awkward and self-conscious, and this is the only area of my life where I experience anxiety.

Sorry if this a bit of a disorganised ramble, but just wondering if there's anyone else that has/is in my position and if anyone can offer any advice? For example, what to say to girls to move past just conversation to kissing etc. at a party, bar, club etc?

Would really appreciate any and all advice?
Reply 1
First off - Good on you for coming forward about this. There's no need to apologise for seeking advice.

Secondly, I know this isn't the answer you're hoping for and you might feel shut down by it, but the best thing you can do is not obsess over it like this. The concept of losing your virginity asap is overrated. In actuality, it doesn't matter. I'm someone who believes the Universe makes everything work out eventually, and whatever is happening now is meant to happen so that you can live a better life later on. In this case, the Universe isn't ready for you to lose your virginity. This is the type of thing that will need to come naturally; forcing it will likely make it less enjoyable when it happens.

Instead, try your best to enjoy the connections you grow with people, not because of the physical intimacy, but the emotional intimacy.

As for building these connections, the best advice anyone can give is risking and giving it a go. Don't be afraid to playfully nudge someone or pat their shoulder (at the appropriate moments, of course). You'll notice that once you find someone who is equally as interested in you as you are of them, you'll grow closer without even realising.

And if nothing comes out of this, it's best to place your focus onto something else for a while. Let life happen naturally.
Original post by Elzyy
First off - Good on you for coming forward about this. There's no need to apologise for seeking advice.

Secondly, I know this isn't the answer you're hoping for and you might feel shut down by it, but the best thing you can do is not obsess over it like this. The concept of losing your virginity asap is overrated. In actuality, it doesn't matter. I'm someone who believes the Universe makes everything work out eventually, and whatever is happening now is meant to happen so that you can live a better life later on. In this case, the Universe isn't ready for you to lose your virginity. This is the type of thing that will need to come naturally; forcing it will likely make it less enjoyable when it happens.

Instead, try your best to enjoy the connections you grow with people, not because of the physical intimacy, but the emotional intimacy.

As for building these connections, the best advice anyone can give is risking and giving it a go. Don't be afraid to playfully nudge someone or pat their shoulder (at the appropriate moments, of course). You'll notice that once you find someone who is equally as interested in you as you are of them, you'll grow closer without even realising.

And if nothing comes out of this, it's best to place your focus onto something else for a while. Let life happen naturally.


Thanks for the response. I understand where you're coming from, but would be nice to get it out of my head, as I know how dumb it is to care about. I intend to carry on wokring/ focusing on my own personal growth rather than chasing it.

Would love to hear if anyone has any advice in terms of moving conversations past normal to more intimate as I am not a super display your emotions kind of person. I tend to think more practically, so it doesn't come naturally to me and I usually don't notice cues until playing events back in my head afterwards.
In a similar position just can't get a girl at all
Reply 4
Sounds like you have a lot going for you. Hang around with more successful mates, learn from their repartee and take advantage of the circle of interest they generate. Flippant light hearted humour is good at moving things in the right direction and I find that just the right dose of alcohol helps my social anxiety. Some sport could help energy level and the right hobby help to find some like minded girls. I did find uni a rather unnatural and claustrophobic dating environment and got on far better when I started work. Finally, if you only go after people you find very attractive the competition will be greatest. It could be worth giving someone that’s keen a chance and see how things go
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
almost everyone I know has lost their V or is in a relationship, and it feels embarassing and often makes me feel depressed.

I know it's not the be all and end of, but I know it would take a huge weight off my shoulders to get it done.

For all your words about being mature and chill, these phrases show the exact opposite. First, you are comparing yourself to other people, some of whom could be lying and actually in the same position as you. Second,you sound desperate enough to have sex that you see it as something to get done, rather than in the context of a loving relationship.

Why do you take such an interest in other people's sex lives? There's far more andbetter things to be involved with. And will it really make you feel better just having random sex where it's messy, uncomfortable and maybe fulfilling?
Original post by Surnia
For all your words about being mature and chill, these phrases show the exact opposite. First, you are comparing yourself to other people, some of whom could be lying and actually in the same position as you. Second,you sound desperate enough to have sex that you see it as something to get done, rather than in the context of a loving relationship.

Why do you take such an interest in other people's sex lives? There's far more andbetter things to be involved with. And will it really make you feel better just having random sex where it's messy, uncomfortable and maybe fulfilling?

I think this is pretty unfair tbh, there's huge social pressure at uni to pull and have sex and unfortunately it does affect how I sizeable portion of people think of you and treat you.

Society is at least making progress towards stopping victim blaming when certain groups feel mistreated, e.g. racism, slut-shaming, ableism... I really think we should try to do the same for virgins.
I aint reading allat 🔥


Spoiler

Original post by Anonymous
I think this is pretty unfair tbh, there's huge social pressure at uni to pull and have sex and unfortunately it does affect how I sizeable portion of people think of you and treat you.


Really? A few people might have that experience but I seriously doubt it's a huge social pressure that determines your place in the entire social pecking order. It's a bit out there.
Original post by Doomotron
Really? A few people might have that experience but I seriously doubt it's a huge social pressure that determines your place in the entire social pecking order. It's a bit out there.

Different people will have different experiences but I think it definitely has a bigger affect than most people appreciate (particularly those who have never had this problem) and the fact that it is not widely accepted that it is wrong to shame virgins makes the feeling so much more isolating and humiliating.
Original post by Anonymous
Different people will have different experiences but I think it definitely has a bigger affect than most people appreciate (particularly those who have never had this problem) and the fact that it is not widely accepted that it is wrong to shame virgins makes the feeling so much more isolating and humiliating.

Have you been shamed for being a virgin? (Assuming you are one, if not were you shamed for it when you were?)
This isn't a trick question, I genuinely want to know.
Reply 11
being sober will help!
got to nightclubs and get drunk
Original post by Doomotron
Have you been shamed for being a virgin? (Assuming you are one, if not were you shamed for it when you were?)
This isn't a trick question, I genuinely want to know.


I've had it happen to me, and I've seen it happening to others too.

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