The Student Room Group

parents aren't letting me go on a uni residential - what do i do?

i've got a place on the uni of exeter scholars residential which i think will be an amazing experience for me and something to talk about on my personal statement. it's a guaranteed contextual offer too but my parents aren't letting me go because its so far away (5 hours by train). im 17 for reference

i just don't know how to convince them - we're muslim and they can be quite controlling regarding where im going and for how long etc etc. the fact that i even got a place was surprising to say the least. its just so difficult to get them to let me go because they don't like letting me go far at all (london is about an hour from me and they're still giving very hard nos for that)

this is just really important for me and i get my parents are worried because its far away but its getting quite restrictive at this point - im not allowed to apply to any unis that are not within an hour and a half from our house and i have to live at home. its so frustrating and i need some advice
Original post by Anonymous
i've got a place on the uni of exeter scholars residential which i think will be an amazing experience for me and something to talk about on my personal statement. it's a guaranteed contextual offer too but my parents aren't letting me go because its so far away (5 hours by train). im 17 for reference

i just don't know how to convince them - we're muslim and they can be quite controlling regarding where im going and for how long etc etc. the fact that i even got a place was surprising to say the least. its just so difficult to get them to let me go because they don't like letting me go far at all (london is about an hour from me and they're still giving very hard nos for that)

this is just really important for me and i get my parents are worried because its far away but its getting quite restrictive at this point - im not allowed to apply to any unis that are not within an hour and a half from our house and i have to live at home. its so frustrating and i need some advice

i get what you mean i am a musilm as well its always wear your scarf probably dont get attracted to boys.
do good cause you represent your family and our honor. well i was going to go anyways if i was in position but tell them hat its your future, it affects you as well. Your parents may be more likely to allow you to stay at uni accommodation if you explain how it will help you become more mature and responsible. Explain that it will enable you to become more independent so you're better able to take care of yourself and help out around the house. This might be obvious to people who already pay their own bills and rent, but there are things that you obviously can't learn from your parents or in the classroom. Dealing with people in general is one of them. While it takes place in the security of the campus bubble, dorm life prepares you or at least gives you a taste of what's to come. I've been fortunate to have friendly, considerate, caring roommates for as long as I've been in college, but that't not always so. Dorm life is not quite independent living yet, but a step towards it. You'll eventually have to face the day when you move out and live on your own. Dorm life is one of the few ways that can prepare you in a controlled setting. Besides, high school is nothing like college. Romantic rejection, dealing with noisy people, navigating awkward relationships; high school certainly doesn't provide an authoritative experience on that.

It's also very important to note that if you want to make friends in college, proximity is key. Do many people commute to your school? My friends who commute to college often bring up how difficult it is to make friends because its so inconvenient to hang out. Even if the school you want to go to isn't a commuter school, the sheer fact that you're suddenly placed with people you don't know gives birth to so much possibility for creating friendships. College isn't only a time to study and prepare for getting a job; it's one of the most convenient times to make friends because everyone is just advantageously placed there. Extracurricular activities are also another main way to meet new people and living at home will be a great hindrance to participating in them.

I thought I would have a similar experience. To be clear, my parents are very quintessentially muslims. As a child and even until high school, I was not allowed to visit friends' houses. If I wanted to go out with friends, they all had to be female. When it came time to choose colleges however it was a given that staying at home, I would give up on so many opportunities. If this school has academic strengths relevant to your interets than that's another reason to go there.

College is college; yes there will parties and sex and drugs, but it's not Vice City and its not as if you'll instantaneously turn neglectful. As part of growing up it doesn't harm to experience them, as long as you're responsible. Up to this point, making you responsible has been their job anyways.
It was the same for me I got a summer school offer that was contextual and my dad was fiercely opposed to it but I resisted and said it was important for my future and I was risking not getting to uni if I didn't do it and it was very important etc. At the end he wasn't even mad when he went to dropped me off and said I should enjoy the experience and not only care about grades or smth.
(I did work on convincing him for 4-6 months tho) the day before I prepared my stuff and looked up the train and told him to go with me or I would go alone lol (u can even get a bursary for transport sometimes)
My dad said a similar thing about applying to unis that are close and living at home but guess what? My grades didn't allow me to, (I live in a london-y area) and I applied to unis that aligned with my grades and got a place. My dad slowly came to accept it and now he thinks about moving there/or me reapplying to get into a london uni (I wanna go to a london uni as well so it's okay) If I don't get higher grades on results day (as opposed to my predicted) I will go to the uni where I got a place.
An important thing if they try to say it is your fault that you have applied to unis far away/ or even that you applied for this residential is to say that it is them that have strict rules and it is their problem not yours. That means they need to find solutions for you to comply to their rules and not the other way round. Also, if they bring out the religious aspect you ned to have arguments to back up your position for wanting to travel.
Original post by Anonymous
i've got a place on the uni of exeter scholars residential which i think will be an amazing experience for me and something to talk about on my personal statement. it's a guaranteed contextual offer too but my parents aren't letting me go because its so far away (5 hours by train). im 17 for reference
i just don't know how to convince them - we're muslim and they can be quite controlling regarding where im going and for how long etc etc. the fact that i even got a place was surprising to say the least. its just so difficult to get them to let me go because they don't like letting me go far at all (london is about an hour from me and they're still giving very hard nos for that)
this is just really important for me and i get my parents are worried because its far away but its getting quite restrictive at this point - im not allowed to apply to any unis that are not within an hour and a half from our house and i have to live at home. its so frustrating and i need some advice

Would your teachers convince them?
Original post by Muttley79
Would your teachers convince them?

I don't think it would icl since the problem is to do with parents being strict muslims
Original post by Anonymous
I don't think it would icl since the problem is to do with parents being strict muslims

Have they looked at Exeter - they there is an Islamic studies centre on campus.

https://www.exeter.ac.uk/students/chaplaincy/events/muslim/
Just go.

If you don’t put your foot down now, they will continue to control all your choices going forward as they already have indicated their intention.

You need to show them you can make your own decisions and take your own actions.

It's better to have them onboard and supportive but if they are going to be inflexible, adopt their strategy and be equally demanding.

You should be able to study where you like and live away from home as an adult.

An 18 year old can vote, marry, join the Armed Forces, drive a car etc.
Reply 7
update guys: i went anyways and even though my mum was barely talking to me on the day i left, she came round to it and it was the BEST experience of my life oh my goddd it was so much fun and i learnt a lot - thanks for all your advice by the way 😀 it was kind of a case of putting my foot down and it means that theyve given me some more flexibility in other areas of my life too hehe
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
update guys: i went anyways and even though my mum was barely talking to me on the day i left, she came round to it and it was the BEST experience of my life oh my goddd it was so much fun and i learnt a lot - thanks for all your advice by the way 😀 it was kind of a case of putting my foot down and it means that theyve given me some more flexibility in other areas of my life too hehe

lucky u
thats actually great
hope this happens to me l8er
Original post by Anonymous
update guys: i went anyways and even though my mum was barely talking to me on the day i left, she came round to it and it was the BEST experience of my life oh my goddd it was so much fun and i learnt a lot - thanks for all your advice by the way 😀 it was kind of a case of putting my foot down and it means that theyve given me some more flexibility in other areas of my life too hehe

Well done - Exeter is amazing :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
I don't think it would icl since the problem is to do with parents being strict muslims


i don’t think it’s them being strict muslims it’s abt your culture tbh for me my parents are very practicing muslims but still allow me to even go on holiday abroad by myself, please don’t confuse culture w religion as to a non muslim this is literally the reason why they say we’re oppressed. it’s not our religion, it’s your parents views and cultural traditions.
Reply 11
Original post by ncsokjkjdcjk
i don’t think it’s them being strict muslims it’s abt your culture tbh for me my parents are very practicing muslims but still allow me to even go on holiday abroad by myself, please don’t confuse culture w religion as to a non muslim this is literally the reason why they say we’re oppressed. it’s not our religion, it’s your parents views and cultural traditions.

that is so true
for me its the same situation
do to the culture of our home country
Original post by ncsokjkjdcjk
i don’t think it’s them being strict muslims it’s abt your culture tbh for me my parents are very practicing muslims but still allow me to even go on holiday abroad by myself, please don’t confuse culture w religion as to a non muslim this is literally the reason why they say we’re oppressed. it’s not our religion, it’s your parents views and cultural traditions.

they are several places in hadith that show that Muslim women are not allowed to travel alone more than a certain distance. Some things are tradition ( obsession with virginity etc) but somethings are Islam.

Muslim (1339) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to travel the distance of one day, except with a mahram.”

More than one of the scholars have narrated that there is consensus among the fuqaha that women are not allowed to travel without a mahram, except in exceptional cases.

Al-Hafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Al-Baghawi said: They did not differ concerning the fact that women are not allowed to travel for purposes other than the obligation (the obligatory Hajj) except with a husband or mahram, apart from a kafir woman who becomes Muslim in dar al-harb (non-Muslim territory) or a female prisoner who is released. Others added: or a woman who becomes separated from her travelling companions and is found by a trustworthy man; in that case it is permissible for him to accompany her until he brings her back to the group.” (Fath al-Bari, 4/76)
Reply 13
Original post by Anonymous
they are several places in hadith that show that Muslim women are not allowed to travel alone more than a certain distance. Some things are tradition ( obsession with virginity etc) but somethings are Islam.
Muslim (1339) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to travel the distance of one day, except with a mahram.”
More than one of the scholars have narrated that there is consensus among the fuqaha that women are not allowed to travel without a mahram, except in exceptional cases.
Al-Hafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Al-Baghawi said: They did not differ concerning the fact that women are not allowed to travel for purposes other than the obligation (the obligatory Hajj) except with a husband or mahram, apart from a kafir woman who becomes Muslim in dar al-harb (non-Muslim territory) or a female prisoner who is released. Others added: or a woman who becomes separated from her travelling companions and is found by a trustworthy man; in that case it is permissible for him to accompany her until he brings her back to the group.” (Fath al-Bari, 4/76)

thats true
my dad said he would move with me
Original post by Anonymous
they are several places in hadith that show that Muslim women are not allowed to travel alone more than a certain distance. Some things are tradition ( obsession with virginity etc) but somethings are Islam.
Muslim (1339) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to travel the distance of one day, except with a mahram.”
More than one of the scholars have narrated that there is consensus among the fuqaha that women are not allowed to travel without a mahram, except in exceptional cases.
Al-Hafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Al-Baghawi said: They did not differ concerning the fact that women are not allowed to travel for purposes other than the obligation (the obligatory Hajj) except with a husband or mahram, apart from a kafir woman who becomes Muslim in dar al-harb (non-Muslim territory) or a female prisoner who is released. Others added: or a woman who becomes separated from her travelling companions and is found by a trustworthy man; in that case it is permissible for him to accompany her until he brings her back to the group.” (Fath al-Bari, 4/76)


yes ofc by “myself” i meant only me from my
family, i travel with other girls but the point of my post was to say that more simple things such as going to a uni event is a more cultural issue not a religious one !

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