The Student Room Group

Family restrictions

Hi. I’m a 19 year old girl and of an Islamic South Asian background. I just finished my first year at uni and i stayed at accommodation. For the summer i’ve had to move out, so i’m staying with my grandparents. It’s been a week since i moved back. I enjoyed my accommodation but it’s expensive and i don’t want to get too much debt.

Now that i moved out, my independence is pretty much gone. I want to be able to go out until late with my friends without being told i’m being disrespectful and not a good girl that i should be of my background. I just feel like if i live my teenage life, of going out late and just having my own life and being able to go where i like too, i’d get told off and forced to do what feels like im restricted.

I have friends of the same background and their parents are more open and willing to allow their kids. why are mines being weird.

If i was a boy of the same background , the restrictions would be so much less to none.

what do i do? i don’t want to have the debt of renting out student accommodation but i also want to be able to enjoy my teenage years whilst at uni and young and stay out late and enjoy going out places with friends without being criticised and manipulated into thinking that i’m being disrespectful and a bad person of my background.

Also , i’m from the uk.. if there is any way u can find a place to live on my own at this age. please let me know.

I think my background shouldn’t restrict me from doing what i want to do
Always trust your gut instinct and put your own ambitions first. :smile:
Listen to your common sense.
Don't risk your personal safety and be very cautious if there is any history of violence or criminality within your extended family.

I understand some of how you feel.
I escaped from a controlling toxic household 10 years ago and will never go back.
I am now 28, happily single, live alone and will not be going down the marriage route.
I am not asian nor a follower of islam, my best friend is.

You know your relatives, their mindset, family dynamic and their favourite family & religious traditions.
All of which they will impose upon you for as long as they have any control over you or know where to find you.
They are not going to suddenly change either their habits or their ideology to end the restrictions that you wish you no longer had to endure.

There will only be change for the better when you make it by moving out and going far away from them, knowing that you will never live in their premises again.
It will cost money and take time but it is the only way that you will be able to enjoy your freedom, have independence & privacy, make your own choices and work towards building the happy future life that you want.

The only things that you can do to retain your freedom as an independent adult woman living in the UK is to arrange alternative accomodation for holidays that are outside of your relatives control and far from their rules.

Either by:
1) booking your holidays overseas that will cover all your vacations and not telling your relatives in advance or during the trips where you will be spending the holidays,
2) renting alternative accomodation within the UK and do not let any relatives know the address or anything about the regional area,
3) arrange holiday employment that comes with free or very low cost accomodation,
4) stay with a friend from uni that your relatives do not know, someone who lives very far away from your parents and all the people that they know well,
5) quietly start dating without letting your relatives know and arrange in advance to spend all holidays & uni breaks with the individual that you date.
Good luck!
Your parents are doing the right thing to protect you from the filth of the western world. What you perceive as other having “fun” and enjoying life is but an illusion created by shaytan who decorates sins and makes them desirable. Obey your parents for that is better for you in your deen and your current life.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi. I’m a 19 year old girl and of an Islamic South Asian background. I just finished my first year at uni and i stayed at accommodation. For the summer i’ve had to move out, so i’m staying with my grandparents. It’s been a week since i moved back. I enjoyed my accommodation but it’s expensive and i don’t want to get too much debt.

Now that i moved out, my independence is pretty much gone. I want to be able to go out until late with my friends without being told i’m being disrespectful and not a good girl that i should be of my background. I just feel like if i live my teenage life, of going out late and just having my own life and being able to go where i like too, i’d get told off and forced to do what feels like im restricted.

I have friends of the same background and their parents are more open and willing to allow their kids. why are mines being weird.

If i was a boy of the same background , the restrictions would be so much less to none.

what do i do? i don’t want to have the debt of renting out student accommodation but i also want to be able to enjoy my teenage years whilst at uni and young and stay out late and enjoy going out places with friends without being criticised and manipulated into thinking that i’m being disrespectful and a bad person of my background.

Also , i’m from the uk.. if there is any way u can find a place to live on my own at this age. please let me know.

I think my background shouldn’t restrict me from doing what i want to do

Someone in here said you should be on your deen and listen which is true but if you really want to be independent and have fun then you have to work for it.

Find a job you can work this summer and stay at an accommodation for a short term stay that’s what I’m doing but you’ll probably spend most of your time working while trying to have fun but I wouldn’t overthink it. Worst case scenario you can just wait till your back in September and have fun then or even visit your flat mates and stay over with them if you can.
It’s just about having my independence more so.. and being able to do what i want without being told i’m being rude or disobedient, when i’m just having my young teen life
Original post by Anonymous
It’s just about having my independence more so.. and being able to do what i want without being told i’m being rude or disobedient, when i’m just having my young teen life

This is exactly why your parents don’t want to give you that independence, because you “be able to do what I want”, you are a 19 year old girl and are very vulnerable to falling into all sorts of sins and bad influence at this age, your parents and family are Barrier to that, they are protecting you but you don’t realise it. Obey your parents and your reward will be with Allah.
Original post by Anonymous
It’s just about having my independence more so.. and being able to do what i want without being told i’m being rude or disobedient, when i’m just having my young teen life

What sort of restrictions do you want taken away, what would they need to do to make you happy
If i want to go outside with my girls to a birthday party and i tell them beforehand it’ll be late, that they wont change their mind when they already agreed that it’ll be okay..
If i was to have friends in a mix group, that i hang out with.. don’t be telling me that i’m just gonna end up bad, when i know they are good people.
If i was to date someone, and if i liked someone with the intent of marriage, but they don’t believe in a religion but respect mines, that i wouldn’t be bashed when other people in the family, have married out of religion
Original post by Anonymous
If i want to go outside with my girls to a birthday party and i tell them beforehand it’ll be late, that they wont change their mind when they already agreed that it’ll be okay..
If i was to have friends in a mix group, that i hang out with.. don’t be telling me that i’m just gonna end up bad, when i know they are good people.
If i was to date someone, and if i liked someone with the intent of marriage, but they don’t believe in a religion but respect mines, that i wouldn’t be bashed when other people in the family, have married out of religion

Same thing happened with my boy who’s Bengali you’re definitely right about it being less strict for guys but eventually they’ll trust you more and be less strict.

Just make sure to set boundaries without coming off as rude and ignorant as they’re just trying to protect you. It’s seems hard but you’ll eventually get to an age where they have have to let you be. Just remember to speak up for yourself, let them know how you feel and work with the situation you’ve got.

I know so many girls in east London with your same story, you just have to work around it and ease them little by little truss me. Everyone has been in that stage of their life where parents try to stop you from having fun uno. You might end up doing the same to your kids at some point, so if anything don’t hold it against them.
It's a clash of culture more than religion. The faith you practice needs to be your own choice and should be because you want to fully embrace it. After all, Islam is about submission to the will of God. You need to decide whether the rules being set down by your grandparents are their will (i.e. what they had to do culturally when they were your age) or God's and inline with the teachings of the Qur'an. If you're having issues with some of the holy teachings then you might find that there's a multi-faith chaplaincy service attached to the Uni who you can talk to in confidence; you wouldn't be the first or last student who has had to wrestle with this and their role is to help you find a path through it all.
thank you.. i just wish that they wouldn’t impose so much.. i understand their concern but it don’t mean i just sit at home
Original post by Anonymous
thank you.. i just wish that they wouldn’t impose so much.. i understand their concern but it don’t mean i just sit at home

I feel you honestly icl for now I’ll give you a couple ways to be able to go out more often.

1. Get a job: they’ll more often enough get used to your routine of leaving the house.

2. Get them to meet your friends: they might end up liking and trusting them maybe if any of them our from the same culture especially.

3. White lies: I wanted to avoid saying this one as it may just end up proving to them that you should stay inside but by giving a easier version of the truth to them may get them to ease up, for example… “I’m going to the library” but instead you get boba tea with a friend.

Obviously this kinda contradicts what I said about the respect thing but honestly your parents will love you regardless, so it might end up giving them a message if you do it correctly because if they see that you’re going out of your way to lie then they’ll just want the truth of where your at and who with and what you’re doing instead of lying.

Or that may just end up hindering you I can’t lie but it’s worth it only 2 months left of summer till you’re back in uni tbh😭
Original post by Anonymous
Hi. I’m a 19 year old girl and of an Islamic South Asian background. I just finished my first year at uni and i stayed at accommodation. For the summer i’ve had to move out, so i’m staying with my grandparents. It’s been a week since i moved back. I enjoyed my accommodation but it’s expensive and i don’t want to get too much debt.

Now that i moved out, my independence is pretty much gone. I want to be able to go out until late with my friends without being told i’m being disrespectful and not a good girl that i should be of my background. I just feel like if i live my teenage life, of going out late and just having my own life and being able to go where i like too, i’d get told off and forced to do what feels like im restricted.

I have friends of the same background and their parents are more open and willing to allow their kids. why are mines being weird.

If i was a boy of the same background , the restrictions would be so much less to none.

what do i do? i don’t want to have the debt of renting out student accommodation but i also want to be able to enjoy my teenage years whilst at uni and young and stay out late and enjoy going out places with friends without being criticised and manipulated into thinking that i’m being disrespectful and a bad person of my background.

Also , i’m from the uk.. if there is any way u can find a place to live on my own at this age. please let me know.

I think my background shouldn’t restrict me from doing what i want to do


Traditional Asian society that’s what it is to be honest.
Reply 13
Original post by Anonymous
Hi. I’m a 19 year old girl and of an Islamic South Asian background. I just finished my first year at uni and i stayed at accommodation. For the summer i’ve had to move out, so i’m staying with my grandparents. It’s been a week since i moved back. I enjoyed my accommodation but it’s expensive and i don’t want to get too much debt.

Now that i moved out, my independence is pretty much gone. I want to be able to go out until late with my friends without being told i’m being disrespectful and not a good girl that i should be of my background. I just feel like if i live my teenage life, of going out late and just having my own life and being able to go where i like too, i’d get told off and forced to do what feels like im restricted.

I have friends of the same background and their parents are more open and willing to allow their kids. why are mines being weird.

If i was a boy of the same background , the restrictions would be so much less to none.

what do i do? i don’t want to have the debt of renting out student accommodation but i also want to be able to enjoy my teenage years whilst at uni and young and stay out late and enjoy going out places with friends without being criticised and manipulated into thinking that i’m being disrespectful and a bad person of my background.

Also , i’m from the uk.. if there is any way u can find a place to live on my own at this age. please let me know.

I think my background shouldn’t restrict me from doing what i want to do

Your parents are rightfully protecting you, may Allaah bless you. I'm from a similar background as you and I was given more freedom than I should have been, which lead to many problems. You are fortunate to have parents who are trying to preserve you and your religion in this world of distractions and amusement. The 'young teen life' is filled with evil and disobedience to Allaah and it is a obligatory upon your parents that they protect you from this as Allaah said (meaning): "O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allāh in what He commands them but do what they are commanded." [at-Tahreem 66:6]. They are responsible over you so they must protect you and it is not a matter of 'I have my life and they have theirs, I can do whatever I want'.

As for you saying 'I have friends of the same background and their parents are more open and willing to allow their kids'. Then know that Allaah said (meaning): "And if you obey most of those upon the earth, they will mislead you from the way of Allah." [al-An'aam 6:116]. Don't use the people as a reference for right and wrong, rather you should refer to the Qur'aan and Sunnah. Furthermore, you should not disobey your parents as the Prophet said regarding the major sins, They are associating idols with Allah, disobedience to parents, killing a person, and false testimony. [Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5632, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 88] and he said: "The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of the parents, and the displeasure of the Lord is in the displeasure of the parents." [Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1899]. Therefore, you must obey them (unless they order you to do something haraam) as they are ordering you to stay away from haraam.

You also mentioned dating - this is clearly prohibited as Allaah said (meaning): '...You [believers] are of one another. So marry them with the permission of their people and give them their due compensation [i.e., mahr] according to what is acceptable. [They should be] chaste, neither [of] those who commit unlawful intercourse nor those who take boyfriends' [an-Nisaa' 4:25] as well as the prohibition of touching and being alone with a male stranger. The Messenger of Allaah said: For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” [Narrated by al-Tabaraani in al-Kabeer, 486. Authenticated by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5045]. And he said ﷺ: No man is alone with a woman but the Shaytaan is the third one present. [al-Tirmidhi (1171), Saheeh (authentic)]

Also, the marriage of a Muslim to a disbeliever is invalid, and you would be considered to be committing fornication with them. Allaah says (meaning): "And do not marry polytheistic women until they believe. And a believing slave woman is better than a polytheist, even though she might please you. And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe. And a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he might please you." [al-Baqarah 2:221]. An exception to this is a Muslim man marrying a chaste Jewish woman or a chaste Christian woman as Allaah says (meaning): "...(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends..." [al-Maa'idah 5:5]. So your parents must prevent you from doing that. Again, stay away from the argument 'other people do it so that means I can as well'.

It seems that the cure to your problems is to re-connect yourself with Allaah by learning more about Islaam. There are many righteous Muslim women who are pleased with their attachment to their homes due to them seeking knowledge of Islaam and understanding it. You will never find peace in your heart without the attachment to Allaah, and that can be established by seeking knowledge of His Religion. I hope you can read this with an open heart as I wish the best for you.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi. I’m a 19 year old girl and of an Islamic South Asian background. I just finished my first year at uni and i stayed at accommodation. For the summer i’ve had to move out, so i’m staying with my grandparents. It’s been a week since i moved back. I enjoyed my accommodation but it’s expensive and i don’t want to get too much debt.

Now that i moved out, my independence is pretty much gone. I want to be able to go out until late with my friends without being told i’m being disrespectful and not a good girl that i should be of my background. I just feel like if i live my teenage life, of going out late and just having my own life and being able to go where i like too, i’d get told off and forced to do what feels like im restricted.

I have friends of the same background and their parents are more open and willing to allow their kids. why are mines being weird.

If i was a boy of the same background , the restrictions would be so much less to none.

what do i do? i don’t want to have the debt of renting out student accommodation but i also want to be able to enjoy my teenage years whilst at uni and young and stay out late and enjoy going out places with friends without being criticised and manipulated into thinking that i’m being disrespectful and a bad person of my background.

Also , i’m from the uk.. if there is any way u can find a place to live on my own at this age. please let me know.

I think my background shouldn’t restrict me from doing what i want to do

Hey I think I can help you, can you like this message so I can dm you in private if thats ok?

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