The Student Room Group

Confusion about my feelings as a queer asexual person

Context: I am queer. I'm not sexually attracted to people unless I have an emotional connection with them, and even then it is passing and weak. I don't know if I experience romantic attraction or not, but I do experience platonic, aesthetic and intellectual attraction. I like using the split attraction model to define my experience. I fit under the aro-ace umbrella as a pan-demisexual, but I don't like this label to describe myself. I'm AMAB, technically cis, no gender dysphoria, but I'm not completely comfortable identifying as a man. Overall, I prefer calling myself queer.

To the point, I'm figuring out my feelings and what I might want in a relationship. I wanted to talk about the fact that I have two friends, one a man and one a woman. I first experienced a small amount of sexual attraction and lots of intellectual-platonic attraction to the woman, let's call her 'L', about two months ago after we bonded over a shared experience. Feeling the sexual attraction took 2-3 weeks after the bonding. More recently, and still feeling attracted to L, in the past 1-2 weeks I have experienced strong aesthetic and platonic attraction to the man, let's call him 'H', and I wonder if sexual attraction will come soon? I am 20 years old and this is the first time I have experienced any kind of attraction to people, and it is really confusing. Like, I don't know if I want to 'go out' with either of them (not at the same time though), or have sex with them or even kiss them. If I did, I wouldn't know how to express my interest in this so that they would understand, considering they are both allosexual, and/or know if they were interested back, as due to a mixture of being autistic and technically 'aro-ace', I am immune to normative flirting. I have been told in the past that someone was flirting with me (usually a man) and I had no idea, I just thought they were being friendly! One step at a time, knowing what I want is more important and I think this will take me more time, by hanging out with them and reflecting afterwards. It'd be amazing to be friends with both of them if they weren't interested in *whatever it is I might be interested in*: I would really respect what both of them wanted. However, the problem is I don't know if I would be able to figure it out if they did want *whatever it is I might want* too, or even in a modified form.

I think what I should do is wait until I know exactly what I want with either L or H (whoever I end up being more attracted to and more desirous to enter a relationship with, if at all). Then I guess I should be explicit about what I want?

Does anybody have any thoughts or personal experiences of being asexual that might be relevant? Because it feels like I have been thrown in the deep end after realising my identity and I have no idea what to do. Nobody teaches you about this!
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
Context: I am queer. I'm not sexually attracted to people unless I have an emotional connection with them, and even then it is passing and weak. I don't know if I experience romantic attraction or not, but I do experience platonic, aesthetic and intellectual attraction. I like using the split attraction model to define my experience. I fit under the aro-ace umbrella as a pan-demisexual, but I don't like this label to describe myself. I'm AMAB, technically cis, no gender dysphoria, but I'm not completely comfortable identifying as a man. Overall, I prefer calling myself queer.

To the point, I'm figuring out my feelings and what I might want in a relationship. I wanted to talk about the fact that I have two friends, one a man and one a woman. I first experienced a small amount of sexual attraction and lots of intellectual-platonic attraction to the woman, let's call her 'L', about two months ago after we bonded over a shared experience. Feeling the sexual attraction took 2-3 weeks after the bonding. More recently, and still feeling attracted to L, in the past 1-2 weeks I have experienced strong aesthetic and platonic attraction to the man, let's call him 'H', and I wonder if sexual attraction will come soon? I am 20 years old and this is the first time I have experienced any kind of attraction to people, and it is really confusing. Like, I don't know if I want to 'go out' with either of them (not at the same time though), or have sex with them or even kiss them. If I did, I wouldn't know how to express my interest in this so that they would understand, considering they are both allosexual, and/or know if they were interested back, as due to a mixture of being autistic and technically 'aro-ace', I am immune to normative flirting. I have been told in the past that someone was flirting with me (usually a man) and I had no idea, I just thought they were being friendly! One step at a time, knowing what I want is more important and I think this will take me more time, by hanging out with them and reflecting afterwards. It'd be amazing to be friends with both of them if they weren't interested in *whatever it is I might be interested in*: I would really respect what both of them wanted. However, the problem is I don't know if I would be able to figure it out if they did want *whatever it is I might want* too, or even in a modified form.

I think what I should do is wait until I know exactly what I want with either L or H (whoever I end up being more attracted to and more desirous to enter a relationship with, if at all). Then I guess I should be explicit about what I want?

Does anybody have any thoughts or personal experiences of being asexual that might be relevant? Because it feels like I have been thrown in the deep end after realising my identity and I have no idea what to do. Nobody teaches you about this!

I do feel you may be too caught up with labels. When i read your piece i struggled to get to know you as a person. Your language is quite impersonal and detached, i wonder what it would be like if you accepted yourself without these labels. Maybe then you might feel connected to yourself and feel more certain in what you want and who you want to be.

I wish you good luck,

Greg
Reply 2
Sorry, but that's just how I write and who I am. :smile:
Original post by greg tony
I do feel you may be too caught up with labels. When i read your piece i struggled to get to know you as a person. Your language is quite impersonal and detached, i wonder what it would be like if you accepted yourself without these labels. Maybe then you might feel connected to yourself and feel more certain in what you want and who you want to be.

I wish you good luck,

Greg
Hi! Thanks for sharing all of this. I think hanging out with them and figuring out what you want with them sounds like a great idea. If I were you I'd be fairly open with them every step of the way, even when you're not totally clear yet on what you want, as sometimes talking that kind of thing through can help clarify. And I would let them know that they will have to be pretty open and clear with you, if hints and flirting aren't very effective.

Good luck!

Quick Reply