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randdom
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#1
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I have a really go friend at uni and she has been with her boyfriend for a year. I just found out today that at the weekend when she went home he pushed her against a wall she cut her head has a bruise and he threatend to hit her. He also generally treats her badly makes her cry and lowers her left confidence. I am not exactly sure how to act. She asked me my oppinion and I said to dump him and she says that she wants to. But she has already tried to dump him twice and he says he will change and hse takes him back. I was in a similar situation years ago and I know that is can get worse once it starts. I really want to help her I just don't know how.
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Sarky
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(Original post by randdom)
I have a really go friend at uni and she has been with her boyfriend for a year. I just found out today that at the weekend when she went home he pushed her against a wall she cut her head has a bruise and he threatend to hit her. He also generally treats her badly makes her cry and lowers her left confidence. I am not exactly sure how to act. She asked me my oppinion and I said to dump him and she says that she wants to. But she has already tried to dump him twice and he says he will change and hse takes him back. I was in a similar situation years ago and I know that is can get worse once it starts. I really want to help her I just don't know how.

The best thing you can do is be there for her. She's told you which is good, she knows she can trust you. Keep her talking, people having no-one to talk to can make things so much harder. Try to make her see that she is worth more than that, and that if you were in the same situation she would be telling you to do the same thing.
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Makavelli_07
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#3
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Violence is always the key. Get someone to do him over.
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randdom
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#4
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(Original post by Makavelli_07)
Violence is always the key. Get someone to do him over.
Would do but he is in wales and I'm not. I guess all I can do is tell her my experiences and hope that she bares that is mind.
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technik
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#5
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best form of defence is attack.
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amo1
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#6
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show her one of the many stes/ panflets on beating women and the pics and how it started with a few knoks and the man said hed change... then shed dump him
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naelse
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#7
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try and get her to see a counciller. to get her to this point he will have had to play with her mind and she'll need to sort out her issues in her mind before she'll be anywhere near leaving him. but the most important thing is to stay by her even if she tries to push you away. abusive men usually try to isolate their victims so that they have noone else to turn to.
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Mister Cairo
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#8
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have you spoken to anyone in the sussex university women`s group? they might be able to help with leaflets/advice and have been running anti-gender violence campaigns last term.

also the welfare officer for sussex/brighton could help
(as elections are coming up, don`t know who theyll be though)

also perhaps try talking to one of his friends who isnt a complete :mad: like he is, he may be able to help.

hope everything gets better soon :knuddel:
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ladyshort4u
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#9
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hi,

I was in a situation like this a couple of years ago and I know how it feels. My ex used to beat me up all the time and swore me to secrecy. He told me if I told anyone then he would get me killed etc and then he used to have antoher side of him which used to make me love him so much - he was charming and seemed sincere and that part of him I just loved - only if I didn't agree with him on something or if I had a slightly different opinion, he would get damn pissed off and resort to violence. We went out for 2 years, but only after a year did he show me his violent streak and that's when I wanted to break up so much but he said if I broke up with him he would tell everyone I was a ***** and that he would kill me. And this, at the time, seemed like a big thing and I was only 15, so obviously my "reputation" so to call it, was important for me. At the end my best friend (a guy) intervened and beat the crap out of my ex and it got sorted but then when I started going out with my boyfriend (my fiance now) in the beginning my confidence was so low, I had been hurt a lot of times physically and mentally by my ex, and everytime my boyfriend even touch me I would flinch as I was so scared to be hit again. I know you were looking for advice and me like an idiot just given you my life story! lol! but basically all you can do, is be there for her and intervene if and when you think it is necessery. No girl, no person, deserves to have their confidence shattered by another human being. we are all human and one person should not have a right to hit another person and lower their confidence in this way. It is not right and this guy could get in a lot of trouble for this. Don't let her go down on weekends to see him, and tell her to just slowly detach herself from him. and slowly, slowly he will realise that she isnt a walkover. be there for her...and tell her not to give up...no guy is worth your self respect, dignity and no guy has the right to harm you.

Good Luck!

Love Ladyshort
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Makavelli_07
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#10
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(Original post by ladyshort4u)
hi,

I was in a situation like this a couple of years ago and I know how it feels. My ex used to beat me up all the time and swore me to secrecy. He told me if I told anyone then he would get me killed etc and then he used to have antoher side of him which used to make me love him so much - he was charming and seemed sincere and that part of him I just loved - only if I didn't agree with him on something or if I had a slightly different opinion, he would get damn pissed off and resort to violence. We went out for 2 years, but only after a year did he show me his violent streak and that's when I wanted to break up so much but he said if I broke up with him he would tell everyone I was a ***** and that he would kill me. And this, at the time, seemed like a big thing and I was only 15, so obviously my "reputation" so to call it, was important for me. At the end my best friend (a guy) intervened and beat the crap out of my ex and it got sorted but then when I started going out with my boyfriend (my fiance now) in the beginning my confidence was so low, I had been hurt a lot of times physically and mentally by my ex, and everytime my boyfriend even touch me I would flinch as I was so scared to be hit again. I know you were looking for advice and me like an idiot just given you my life story! lol! but basically all you can do, is be there for her and intervene if and when you think it is necessery. No girl, no person, deserves to have their confidence shattered by another human being. we are all human and one person should not have a right to hit another person and lower their confidence in this way. It is not right and this guy could get in a lot of trouble for this. Don't let her go down on weekends to see him, and tell her to just slowly detach herself from him. and slowly, slowly he will realise that she isnt a walkover. be there for her...and tell her not to give up...no guy is worth your self respect, dignity and no guy has the right to harm you.

Good Luck!

Love Ladyshort
See, Violence is always the key. I still say get someone to do him over.

I could arrange it, for a fee.
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naelse
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#11
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#11
if she loves him that'll hurt her too. and she's likely to try to protect him. i know it sounds wierd but the reason why domestic violence works so well is that the abuser knows that the victim loves him and would probably never leave. if you beat him up she'll probably feel sorry for him and hate you for hurting him.
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Makavelli_07
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#12
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(Original post by naelse)
if she loves him that'll hurt her too. and she's likely to try to protect him. i know it sounds wierd but the reason why domestic violence works so well is that the abuser knows that the victim loves him and would probably never leave. if you beat him up she'll probably feel sorry for him and hate you for hurting him.
You could always beat both of them up?

I know that she'd think like that, but if alot of her friends managed to talk her round, then maybe she'd think different.

Also, maybe she'll feel sorry. But if the guy realised that he's going to get a beating every time he attacked her then he's going to get beat up, maybe he'd think differently.
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naelse
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#13
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i know someone that was in a similar situation, her friends beat up and threatened the guy, so he persuaded her that her friends were violent and didn't want her to be happy and they moved to a different city, where she was all alone with no support and no way to get away from him even if she wanted to. trust me, beating him up is playing right into his hands.
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Makavelli_07
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#14
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(Original post by naelse)
i know someone that was in a similar situation, her friends beat up and threatened the guy, so he persuaded her that her friends were violent and didn't want her to be happy and they moved to a different city, where she was all alone with no support and no way to get away from him even if she wanted to. trust me, beating him up is playing right into his hands.
Maybe in that case it was, but it's not always like that.

One of my friends went out with a guy and he used to push her around. At first he would just kind of boss her about, and then he went on to actibe agressive. In the end we found out that one day he had beat her up, and she hadn't done anything about it.

We stopped him one night when he was driving home and beat the sh*t out of him. I know that it's probably not what she wanted, and she was mad at us for a long time, but it did the job. He knew not to touch her again, and he never did.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes it worse.
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baza1976
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#15
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#15
(Original post by ladyshort4u)
hi,

I was in a situation like this a couple of years ago and I know how it feels. My ex used to beat me up all the time and swore me to secrecy. He told me if I told anyone then he would get me killed etc and then he used to have antoher side of him which used to make me love him so much - he was charming and seemed sincere and that part of him I just loved - only if I didn't agree with him on something or if I had a slightly different opinion, he would get damn pissed off and resort to violence. We went out for 2 years, but only after a year did he show me his violent streak and that's when I wanted to break up so much but he said if I broke up with him he would tell everyone I was a ***** and that he would kill me. And this, at the time, seemed like a big thing and I was only 15, so obviously my "reputation" so to call it, was important for me. At the end my best friend (a guy) intervened and beat the crap out of my ex and it got sorted but then when I started going out with my boyfriend (my fiance now) in the beginning my confidence was so low, I had been hurt a lot of times physically and mentally by my ex, and everytime my boyfriend even touch me I would flinch as I was so scared to be hit again. I know you were looking for advice and me like an idiot just given you my life story! lol! but basically all you can do, is be there for her and intervene if and when you think it is necessery. No girl, no person, deserves to have their confidence shattered by another human being. we are all human and one person should not have a right to hit another person and lower their confidence in this way. It is not right and this guy could get in a lot of trouble for this. Don't let her go down on weekends to see him, and tell her to just slowly detach herself from him. and slowly, slowly he will realise that she isnt a walkover. be there for her...and tell her not to give up...no guy is worth your self respect, dignity and no guy has the right to harm you.

Good Luck!

Love Ladyshort

Lost interest after the 4th line........ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............. .............dump him
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F. Poste
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#16
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Randdom you say you were in a similar situation.. does she know about your experiences? Perhaps if you told her your story it'd make her see that this kind of thing only escalates, and that it DOES happen to people.. as you're her friend, hearing your story might make things closer to home for her.
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ladyshort4u
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#17
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#17
(Original post by baza1976)
Lost interest after the 4th line........ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............. .............dump him

If you had read on, you would have found out that me and him are already over - long time ago - and I am now with another guy and am engaged to him. Sometimes helps to read on...especially when you're in a forum like this one where you become friends with the people you talk 2...anyone on another note, I agree a very long response on my part! But am not going to say sorry, had to be said!
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