I'll be honest, being rejected from Cambridge isn't even my only problem, and if anything it's helped me to uncover and face a different problem I've sort of been denying this whole time.
Ever since I submitted my UCAS application I've had sort of a bad feeling about my subject choice, that it isn't really what I'm interested in, etc. but I've been denying it with 'oh well I wouldn't want to do this because that' and so on because of the possibility of a successful application to Cambridge.
Now that I've been rejected I feel that I can give myself permission to realise that this isn't really what I want to do, and to start thinking about what I *actually* want to do.
The truth is that I wasn't planning on being alive for this long. I was meant to kill myself before I even took my GCSEs. I was never meant to be here. As a result I've never thought about any of this very much at all, because why would I when I wouldn't be alive to experience it? Basically I'm completely winging all of this, and obviously that leads to mistakes. And here we are again in the midst of another one of my many mistakes.
It's just that now I might know what I don't massively want to do, but I also don't know what I do want to do, because again, I've never given this any thought. Because I wasn't meant to be here alive right now. I feel like I've ruined everything but I don't know how to fix it, because I have no idea how to find out what I really want to do (I know vague directions, but not what jobs can come from it or anything) and I'm scared to even tell anyone at school I've been rejected. I don't know what I'd do in a gap year (aside from finally privately doing FM), I don't know what jobs I'd get from my other options, I don't know what to do.
So although I've been empowered to entertain my existential crisis, I don't know how to fix it. Once again, I have ruined everything and don't know how to fix it.