Hello, Anon. I hope you’re doing well <3.
Please keep holding on to your life. Enjoy simple, human, mundane pleasures. Birds. Food. Music. Don’t let go. We love you.
Regarding religion, be wise. Be careful until you’re financially independent, and then weigh up your options. Outside of religion, I don’t know how good your relationship is with your family, so I don’t know if cutting them off is an option or not. If you think that would be best for you, perhaps do that when you’re safe enough to. If you don’t want to do that — understandably — that’s fine, too. Even if your mother tells you to be religious in uni, you don’t necessarily have to be. My girlfriend has been faking her morning prayers for over five years.
I’m an atheist. I don’t think I ever really believed in a god, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I have been given some bull for thinking that way. Relationships with religion are tricky to figure out. I think it’s possible for you to maintain a relationship with as much religion as you want — on your own terms, to an extent you are comfortable with —, or to reject it completely. It’s entirely your choice, and it is *only* your choice to make. Not your family’s; not other Muslims’. Your choice.
I’ve learned that religion does work for some people in a productive, constructive way. It is also the source of lots of conflict and destruction. Ultimately, though, it is a personal choice made by an individual. It sucks being bombarded with it constantly if you don’t want to engage with it. I really, really, really empathise. You’re allowed to try to tune it out.
In university, you can find people who’ve gone through similar things to you. Even if you still believe in some aspects of your religion, it could be worth finding an agnostic/atheist support group online/in person. Many of them will share similar experiences to you and may have some more helpful, actionable advice.
I really hope you’re doing okay. It’s okay not to want to be completely religious. It’s okay not to pray. It’s okay not to wear hijab. Regardless of scripture, we have this one life for certain. That is what all religions and non-religions agree upon.
If you ever want to go back to religion, it’ll be there waiting for you. Religion should be helpful, and it’s okay to let it go if it’s no longer helpful. If you turn your back on religion, it cannot be offended. Gods are surely very busy, with so many people on earth, anyway.
Life is what we do. Afterlife is what we believe we deserve. You are a courageous person. Remind yourself that. It’s alright to pursue happiness.