The Student Room Group

Am I being selfish/unfair about things

So I met this guy... im 27 he is 35.

He's told me during our first date that he isn't looking for anything serious. Well I am.

We agreed to stay friends and he said he will not fall for me as he has been hurt so many times. Plus he has 2 children.

Fine.

We were planning on going to the movies tomorrow and he asked me to pay. (No guy has ever made me pay for dates before, respectfully).

But we are not even really dating. He doesn't want anything serious.

He asked me to book our tickets. I said no.

I will pay for myself. He can pay for himself.

He got ****ed and ranted "I spent £200 on you altogether for our dates and you can't even get me a cinema ticket" and told me to enjoy the movie alone.

😬

Am I wrong, should I offer to pay for him too?
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
So I met this guy... im 27 he is 35.

He's told me during our first date that he isn't looking for anything serious. Well I am.

We agreed to stay friends and he said he will not fall for me as he has been hurt so many times. Plus he has 2 children.

Fine.

We were planning on going to the movies tomorrow and he asked me to pay. (No guy has ever made me pay for dates before, respectfully).

But we are not even really dating. He doesn't want anything serious.

He asked me to book our tickets. I said no.

I will pay for myself. He can pay for himself.

He got ****ed and ranted "I spent £200 on you altogether for our dates and you can't even get me a cinema ticket" and told me to enjoy the movie alone.

😬

Am I wrong, should I offer to pay for him too?


i dont know im a kid, i'm not sure if your still in school. but its (i'm presuming) a single father with two kids. if i were in his position i would be trying to pay for my kids clubs and activities to try and further their future. it costs at most 25 quid to go to the cinema for one person *not to mention that probably pays for two people on the cheap anyways, you are a grown woman and you don't have a tenner to pay for a movie ticket? grow up.


*edit

sorry OP i dident realise you were paying for your own ticket, im not actually sure to be fair, i think you should compromise, but is an explosion like that really that fair on you? allthough like i said before he does have children and has payed before, i think you shpuld probably avoid this and look for younger considering he could have asked alot nice, and been a grown up[ about it, appologies for my behaviour too
(edited 8 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
So I met this guy... im 27 he is 35.

He's told me during our first date that he isn't looking for anything serious. Well I am.

We agreed to stay friends and he said he will not fall for me as he has been hurt so many times. Plus he has 2 children.

Fine.

We were planning on going to the movies tomorrow and he asked me to pay. (No guy has ever made me pay for dates before, respectfully).

But we are not even really dating. He doesn't want anything serious.

He asked me to book our tickets. I said no.

I will pay for myself. He can pay for himself.

He got ****ed and ranted "I spent £200 on you altogether for our dates and you can't even get me a cinema ticket" and told me to enjoy the movie alone.

😬

Am I wrong, should I offer to pay for him too?


This is where we can end up in a heated debate.

I'm pro-feminism, so I believe in equal rights between genders (however you define them). Naturally, I would expect you to pay for some dates irrespective of how much I spent.

In some other circles, it's expected that the guy pays for everything. I don't agree with the mindset, but if it does happen you often are expected to compromise somewhere i.e. you listen to the guy and follow his lead for example.

If on the other hand, you are actually friends, I cannot see why you couldn't pay unless you're really broke and down on your luck.

What's not cool irrespective of your values and culture is if it's something more serious and you expect him to pay, but you refuse to do anything he says.

If it was me, then yeah I would argue that you should pay, especially if it wasn't relatively expensive like a couple of movie tickets and you don't have a valid reason for not affording to do so.

For other cultures, then no. However, what follows is up for interpretation.

Naturally, if you're just dating this person just to get free stuff and offer nothing back, you're taking advantage of him and you're being entitled. Genuine friends or relationships won't mandate other people to do things. This sort of behaviour is regarded as pretty disgusting as well as rude.

If he's from a culture where men are expected to provide for everything, but the women follow, then it's up for debate i.e. clash of values. However, the fact you then said you would only pay for you own and he needs to pay for his kind of imply that "what is other people's is ours, and what's mine is mine" - again entitled, and pretty disgusting - unless I have misinterpreted the situation.

To me, your behaviour is wrong as well as rude - that applies if you're friends or dating. For the dating element though, it will also partly depend on the culture that he is from.

Another question though: if it was a serious relationship and it was heading somewhere, would you have said anything different?
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
This is where we can end up in a heated debate.

I'm pro-feminism, so I believe in equal rights between genders (however you define them). Naturally, I would expect you to pay for some dates irrespective of how much I spent.

In some other circles, it's expected that the guy pays for everything. I don't agree with the mindset, but if it does happen you often are expected to compromise somewhere i.e. you listen to the guy and follow his lead for example.

If on the other hand, you are actually friends, I cannot see why you couldn't pay unless you're really broke and down on your luck.

What's not cool irrespective of your values and culture is if it's something more serious and you expect him to pay, but you refuse to do anything he says.

If it was me, then yeah I would argue that you should pay, especially if it wasn't relatively expensive like a couple of movie tickets and you don't have a valid reason for not affording to do so.

For other cultures, then no. However, what follows is up for interpretation.

Naturally, if you're just dating this person just to get free stuff and offer nothing back, you're taking advantage of him and you're being entitled. Genuine friends or relationships won't mandate other people to do things. This sort of behaviour is regarded as pretty disgusting as well as rude.

If he's from a culture where men are expected to provide for everything, but the women follow, then it's up for debate i.e. clash of values. However, the fact you then said you would only pay for you own and he needs to pay for his kind of imply that "what is other people's is ours, and what's mine is mine" - again entitled, and pretty disgusting - unless I have misinterpreted the situation.

To me, your behaviour is wrong as well as rude - that applies if you're friends or dating. For the dating element though, it will also partly depend on the culture that he is from.

Another question though: if it was a serious relationship and it was heading somewhere, would you have said anything different?

Yes,

If I knew it was going to turn into a serious relationship. Then yes, down the line I would pay for dates etc.,

But he has expressed that he is not looking for anything serious. I am open to a friendship nonetheless, I suppose.
Reply 4
If it’s this angsty already, just forget it. Look for someone who doesn’t have 2 kids and is looking for a relationship
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
Yes,

If I knew it was going to turn into a serious relationship. Then yes, down the line I would pay for dates etc.,

But he has expressed that he is not looking for anything serious. I am open to a friendship nonetheless, I suppose.

If you have let him pay for you in the past why shouldn't you pay for some tickets?He may have been broke this week but he could have explained that instead of getting angry.Listen you want different things so move on.
Reply 6
****inell I pay for my mates to do stuff with me all the time, why wouldn't you do it?

This all seems depressingly transactional, I don't understand the mindset.
Reply 7
Anyways,

He wished me good luck in finding a Sugar Daddy... all because I said I will pay for myself. It is what it is.

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