For anyone who's never been kissed / had a bf/gf / had sex, READ THIS!!

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Anonymous #1
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** Keep anon or delete - personal stuff! **

Hi guys,

I feel compelled to write some advice based on my own experience after seeing endless threads here from people 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 worried that they've never had a boy/girlfriend.

By my 18th birthday I'd never kissed a girl or had a girlfriend, and had suffered about a dozen rejections. It was only til university that I actually kissed a girl, in my 20s that I had my first girlfriend, and quite well into my 20s that I lost my virginity. And had that constant frustration - thinking I'm not bad-looking, a really nice guy, would be a great boyfriend, so why am I always turned down whilst not so great people get lucky.

Whereas now, I've had a non-stop string of girls for the last couple of years and often too many options where I'm dating more than one girl at once (although avoid this as prefer exclusive relationships to flings). I slept with two pretty girls on the first date during November, I frequently have girls approaching me / asking me out / messenging me that they think I'm hot / sexy / cute etc.

Here's some thoughts and advice on what to do. A lot of this may be stating the obvious but its very true.

1. If you are under 20 (especially under 18) and have never been kissed / had a bf/gf / had sex, you are completely normal! Sure you're in a minority, but believe me there's so many people your age across the country in exactly the same shoes, as is proven every time someone starts one of those threads and there's endless responses from people saying they're older and still haven't etc. I would guess that easily 15% of 18 year olds in the UK have never been kissed, 40% are still virgins (note the average age to lose it is 17). So yes you're in a minority but its still so frequent / common not to worry about. I'd say only when you're ~23+ and its not through lack of trying should you begin to worry.

2. If you are ~23+ still never been kissed / had a bf/gf / had sex, then there is an enormous wealth of cheap books and online material that genuinely can help you. I've read a lot and it really turned things around. The main piece of advice everyone gives is about confidence - you do well if you're confident and badly if you're lacking it. The problem here is its difficult to become genuinely confident unless you have some good experiences to justify it, otherwise you're being delusional / arrogant. Hence its important to avoid having your confidence crushed (eg repeatedly getting rejected without anyone saying yes) through bad experiences, which can lead to a negative vicious circle (getting less and less confident, more and more desperate, girls can smell desperation a mile off, its so true!), whereas if you have a couple of good bits of luck, your confidence & thus attractiveness rockets. Being (or at least portraying the impression that you're) in-demand, popular, fun-loving, busy, mysterious, fascinating all works wonders. This is the hardest part to get fixed for someone with zero experience, but once it happens it becomes so much more plain-sailing.

3. If luck's not going your way at school, really don't worry, just get your heard down, work hard to get good grades and wait until university. University can potentially give you a huge range of opportunities - meeting new people, clubnights, similar-interest societies, freedom / independence, basically thousands of single people your age in the same environment. I know there's a lot of threads here people hating university not making friends, in which case again don't worry and think about when you're a graduate in the workplace and the environment there, especially if you're in a new city and again can meet new people etc. That said, (a) I do regret not experiencing relationships age 16-18 at 6th form, but this isn't that big a deal, (b) if you still live with your parents through university or working life that can be a big hinderance:

4. How relaxed you are, confident and subsequently successful can massively change if you move out rather than living with parents when at university and thereafter. No awkward 'meet the parents', making sure you're not keeping them awake etc. Its great having no worries of embarrassment / awkwardness bringing girls back to my flat. Renting is cheap (£40-80/wk in most of the country), quite easily affordable with a part-time job, so would recommend most people do this rather than live at home with the parents.

5. For anyone moaning that they're a nice / sweet person but can't get any, yet guys who are *******s can, nice does not equal sexy. Being nice without being sexy means you'll most likely be seen as just a friend and walked all over. In most cases its not true that girls search for *******s, just *******s often know how to be sexy which works to their favour. Being nice AND sexy however is the best combination if you're after meaningful, long-term relationships.

I don't think I've said anything that's not been said before, but still hope it helps!
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ProgressDesired
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Thanks, some good advice - especially the one about pretending you're confident I find that "thinking" that you are confident and top-notch helps in many situations, including interviews and public speaking.

Are there any books that you would recommend, OP?

Michael
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ProgressDesired)
Thanks, some good advice - especially the one about pretending you're confident I find that "thinking" that you are confident and top-notch helps in many situations, including interviews and public speaking.

Are there any books that you would recommend, OP?

Michael
Although I said about "pretending you're confident" that is arrogance / delusion if you have nothing to base it on. It can work pretty well in a job interview / public speaking, but I'd be careful over-exhibiting it in a social situation if you have nothing to base it on, if that makes sense.

There's no particular books I'd recommend to be honest - they are all pretty similar in giving decent advice. Neil Strauss' "The Game" is seen as the ultimate bible for seduction techniques, but I think a lot of the methods there are now so overused that plenty of girls know exactly what you're playing at. Search Amazon for how to seduce, how to pull women, how to get laid etc, and you get similarly tacky-titled books but the advice there is solid. Better still though there is tons of stuff free off charge online - http://www.succeedsocially.com has some great articles that would be of huge benefit to so many people who write on H&R, and www.theattractionforums.com is the main global message board for learning all you need to know.
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cascadingstylez
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Although I said about "pretending you're confident" that is arrogance / delusion if you have nothing to base it on. It can work pretty well in a job interview / public speaking, but I'd be careful over-exhibiting it in a social situation if you have nothing to base it on, if that makes sense.

There's no particular books I'd recommend to be honest - they are all pretty similar in giving decent advice. Neil Strauss' "The Game" is seen as the ultimate bible for seduction techniques, but I think a lot of the methods there are now so overused that plenty of girls know exactly what you're playing at. Search Amazon for how to seduce, how to pull women, how to get laid etc, and you get similarly tacky-titled books but the advice there is solid. Better still though there is tons of stuff free off charge online - http://www.succeedsocially.com has some great articles that would be of huge benefit to so many people who write on H&R, and www.theattractionforums.com is the main global message board for learning all you need to know.
Are you sure you are not trying to plug your own websites.

The whole thing sounds a bit suspect to me. Even the way you worded it and bigged yourself up about going from 0 girls to dating more than one. If that really is you then you are a jerk! You should know from your previous rejection what it feels like to be messed about.
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Blátönn
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Prostitutes help.
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cascadingstylez
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(Original post by Blátönn)
Prostitutes help.
Masturbation is even better. And it's free. And you don't have to carry the burden and commitment a relationship brings whilst focusing your life on more important things ... such as university.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cascadingstylez)
Are you sure you are not trying to plug your own websites.

The whole thing sounds a bit suspect to me. Even the way you worded it and bigged yourself up about going from 0 girls to dating more than one. If that really is you then you are a jerk! You should know from your previous rejection what it feels like to be messed about.
I didn't plug any websites until asked, they're just 2 examples of the wealth of free material around. And no what I meant was I may have 2 or 3 "first dates" in a week but if something looks serious then I'll make it exclusive - this is pretty normal in dating culture, if you've just started taking someone out and she's not your girlfriend and you don't know if its going to be serious then there's nothing wrong with meeting other girls too. Ultimately as said I much prefer meaningful relationships to casual flings.
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Blátönn
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(Original post by Blátönn)
Prostitutes help.
(Original post by cascadingstylez)
Masturbation is even better.
I can vouch for the fact that it isn't.
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fisherman
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(Original post by Anonymous)
3. If luck's not going your way at school, really don't worry, just get your heard down, work hard to get good grades and wait until university. University can potentially give you a huge range of opportunities - meeting new people, clubnights, similar-interest societies, freedom / independence, basically thousands of single people your age in the same environment. I know there's a lot of threads here people hating university not making friends, in which case again don't worry and think about when you're a graduate in the workplace and the environment there, especially if you're in a new city and again can meet new people etc.
Just one point. If you don't make friends at school, then not at uni, maybe you should be looking at seeing if there's anything you're doing wrong, like being unfriendly etc. Because what if you don't make friends at work? Just move job/city again, in a perpetual cycle of friendlessness?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by fisherman)
Just one point. If you don't make friends at school, then not at uni, maybe you should be looking at seeing if there's anything you're doing wrong, like being unfriendly etc. Because what if you don't make friends at work? Just move job/city again, in a perpetual cycle of friendlessness?
Yeah good point! My main point was university can act as a fresh start if you've had any problems with people at school eg had a bad reputation from early on which sticks for 5+ years. At university the atmosphere may not work for everyone, but if you're heading into your 20s and always had problems making friends, then obviously time to look at where you're going wrong.
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joeyXCORE
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if you're 18 and you've never kissed a girl you either don't go out enough or you're just not trying hard enough even fugos can pull other fugos....
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by ßlαcksωαn)
Who gave you the right to say when people are classified as 'un-normal' after a specific age just because they havent done one of those things?

What a load of ****. Books? people need to stress and think there is something wrong with them and go and read books? You are an idiot.
I thought this was going to be a rational thread but obviously it is not. Threads like this and people with this kind of attitude is what makes people feel bad. There is no age limit on any of these things. People are not freaks for not completing any of these by any age limit.
Abnormal by its own definition means unusual, untypical. Whilst at age 18 or 20 a large chunk of people still haven't experienced something, hence it's not 'abnormal' to be in that situation, I'd guesstimate by 23 they'd be in less than 1% of the population their age, which is surely 'abnormal' by definition. I get your point, but if you're 23, have been trying for years and not succeeding, then you most likely than not are doing something wrong and thus getting advice (whether from books, friends, forums etc) is surely not a bad idea...
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fisherman
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(Original post by cascadingstylez)
Masturbation is even better. And it's free. And you don't have to carry the burden and commitment a relationship brings whilst focusing your life on more important things ... such as university.
You honestly think that masturbation is better than a relationship?

Oh well, I disagree completely. I like being committed and connected with someone, not just with my hand.
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Anonymous #1
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I knew I shouldn't have bothered with this, simply trying to be helpful and give some advice leading to a torrent of criticism. I can't be bothered to spend the next day defending every nitpicking comment, but the bottom line is just I've seen endless threads on this forum people worried that age 16, 18 or 20 they can't get a girlfriend, never kissed, still a virgin, and they just really need to know there's nothing unusual about that and so many people across the country in exactly the same boat!
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ßlαcksωαn
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Abnormal by its own definition means unusual, untypical. Whilst at age 18 or 20 a large chunk of people still haven't experienced something, hence it's not 'abnormal' to be in that situation, I'd guesstimate by 23 they'd be in less than 1% of the population their age, which is surely 'abnormal' by definition. I get your point, but if you're 23, have been trying for years and not succeeding, then you most likely than not are doing something wrong and thus getting advice (whether from books, friends, forums etc) is surely not a bad idea...
Abnormal was the word I was looking for, thanks for that :p: . Well I guess you have your desperados and other people who don't give a damn, when it comes to these things.
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JT87
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To me it just seems like the OP is kidding himself. What the OP is doing is what 15 year olds do. There is nothing meaningful about sleeping around a bit and then deciding to have a long term relationship.

What are you going to say to your partner years down the line? "I shagged someone else the week I met you because I just wanted to keep the window open."

Seriously, this isn't advice, it's trash. OP, it seems like you've never been as great of a guy as you think you are. You've been sitting around until your 20 thinking "OH WHY ME!?! POOR ME!?! I'M A GOOD GUY! REALLY, I AM!!"

The fact is, you never were a good guy, as soon as you've had the chance to, you've become a slut. "A non-stop string of girls"? "Dating more than one girl at once"?

Please, why don't you pack up, take your "advice" and stop poisoning the minds of vulnerable people that may start to think talking about females like they're meat is the norm.
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fisherman
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(Original post by JT87)
To me it just seems like the OP is kidding himself. What the OP is doing is what 15 year olds do. There is nothing meaningful about sleeping around a bit and then deciding to have a long term relationship.

What are you going to say to your partner years down the line? "I shagged someone else the week I met you because I just wanted to keep the window open."

Seriously, this isn't advice, it's trash. OP, it seems like you've never been as great of a guy as you think you are. You've been sitting around until your 20 thinking "OH WHY ME!?! POOR ME!?! I'M A GOOD GUY! REALLY, I AM!!"

The fact is, you never were a good guy, as soon as you've had the chance to, you've become a slut. "A non-stop string of girls"? "Dating more than one girl at once"?

Please, why don't you pack up, take your "advice" and stop poisoning the minds of vulnerable people that may start to think talking about females like they're meat is the norm.
So, if you sleep with a few people, because sex can just be for fun, then end up in a long term relationship with one of them, it's worthless/meaningless?

Do you expect all your parteners to be virgins?

Some of his advice is ok. Confidence is by far the biggest problem in nearly all the H+R posts.
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JT87
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(Original post by fisherman)
So, if you sleep with a few people, because sex can just be for fun, then end up in a long term relationship with one of them, it's worthless/meaningless?
I think you should focus on one girl at a time if you're even thinking of being serious with them. If you read his post, he clearly says he has "a non-stop string of women", this kind of lowly bragging is sad, therefore I think with his current state of mind, he doesn't know the meaning of what a meaningful relationship could possibly be.

(Original post by fisherman)
Do you expect all your parteners to be virgins?
Nope, i'd love to know how you derived that from what I was saying though.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by JT87)
I think you should focus on one girl at a time if you're even thinking of being serious with them. If you read his post, he clearly says he has "a non-stop string of women", this kind of lowly bragging is sad, therefore I think with his current state of mind, he doesn't know the meaning of what a meaningful relationship could possibly be.
Well done completely twisting round what I said. Since when does a "non-stop string of women" imply that you're cheating on any? In fact it has pretty much been a bunch of exclusive relationships (albeit some short-term) lasting anywhere from 1 to 9 months, with small gaps in between. November was an anomaly, with both girls it was clear from the offset they didn't want a relationship just fun, I have no regret sleeping with them but it made me realise how much more meaningful a proper relationship is to it. Similarly, where did I ever say I'm sleeping with more than one person at once? I never did, and am sure I said pretty much the opposite - as soon as one is going somewhere (ie slept with them, or just pulled them but its clear a relationship could develop) then I stop dating anyone else. Jeez, in a world where SO many guys have two-timed its incredible I'm getting any stick, especially in big cities its a normal part of dating culture to only go 'exclusive' after you know it could be serious - and I go exclusive a lot earlier than the norm!
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*Passion*Fruit*
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Nice, very sweet
And I bow for all your effort in writing that!
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