I’m trying to move on from my ex but I’m his only close friend and he’s struggling

We broke up maybe 6 months ago from a 7 year relationship (mutual decision although he was still in love with me) these few months have felt somewhat healing and I’ve managed to get to a place where I don’t feel emotionally effected by the relationship anymore however I’m trying to find myself again outside of who I was in the relationship. For him gradually it’s become more of a struggle not bc of breaking up necessarily but bc he doesn’t have a support system or anyone he’s emotionally connected to who isn’t me. I needed to go no contact for my own peace but we still have each others contacts to be open to messaging and planned to stay friends although I’ve needed distance and actually think I want no contact completely now but he’s really needed a friend but I just don’t think I can show up for him. I did recently end up seeing him and staying over because his pet died and had no one to support him in his grief and bury the body, I didn’t want to leave him to do it alone but it feels like that visit has set me back with the progress I’ve made all these months and him seeing me might make him more needy for me. The thing is he did support me when I struggled in the breakup and would always be there for me but I’ve struggled to do the same for him. What do I do?

Reply 1

Crazy Jamie

Careers Forum Helper

Original post by Anonymous

What do I do?

You know the answer to this question. You know you need to go no contact. You knew that before, but just to reinforce it you acknowledge that being there for him more recently has set you back.
The reason why you're torn over this is because you still care for him, and you want to help. That is really commendable. But helping him is not your responsibility. I'm going to write that again, because it is really important. Helping him is not your responsibility. I was in a similar situation when I went to university. I broke up with my girlfriend before I went, but she had some mental health issues and I really didn't want to leave her without support. What that meant is speaking to her on the phone nearly every day for about three months. Sometimes it would be fine. Sometimes we would argue. Sometimes the conversation would just get too much. But I eventually realised that not only was it not helping, but I was struggling to cope with it. In reality I could not help her, but even if I could, I couldn't cope with it. So I cut contact, and haven't actually spoken to her since.
There are people out there who naturally want to help others and solve their problems. I'm one of them, and you're one of them too. But you can't fix everything, and it is not your responsibility to solve other people's problems. You also have to ensure that your own needs are being met, and in fact that should be your priority. In this situation the way forward is clear, because even if you are helping (and I'm sure you are), that is at the cost of your own wellbeing, and that's not acceptable. You can certainly decide you both want to be friends in future, but you can't force that, and after such a long relationship you both need to learn to stand on your own two feet before you can rebuild a friendship. At the moment, the right thing to do is to prioritise your own wellbeing, and you know that means cutting contact. As I say, I'm sure he will have his own struggles, but that is not your responsibility and you must focus on yourself.